Famous First Words: Who wants to buy this diamond ring. --This Diamond Ring by Gary Lewis and the Playboys
But for the Coronavirus it would be the weekend of the World Lumberjack Championships! A lumberjack went into a magic forest. But when he took up his ax to cut down a tree, it shouted, “Wait, I'm a talking tree!” The lumberjack smiled and said, “And you'll dialogue.” / Lenny the lumberjack clown used to perform at the tree ring circus.
..........Can't you see the sunshine..........James Taylor …..Carolina In My Mind
It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong. --Leo Tolstoy
It is a gray Friday morning. The sky is smeared with clouds that almost, but not quite contain shapes and lumps and shades. A light wind tosses the willow's branches but barely moves the branches on the maple next to it. When the gust passes all the trees are still. No birdsong brightens the backyard. Are the birds sleeping in or have they gone to serenade another neighborhood? Another gust wafts by and tickles the tree leaves and kisses my cheek on its way south. I return to the inside, to the sweetened tartness of my coffee and the comfortable cushion of my chair. The aroma clears my nose and the taste pleases my palate so I am ready to sit down and write to you.
Hope your weekend is hiyu, ePistliers. ~~Hiyu is Chinook for plenty, enough.
First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: So I purchased a music notation face mask to augment my collection thinking that it would look sharp, but my expectations fell flat. After wearing it for an interval, I developed a staff infection and a clef chin. I should have known buying it would lead to treble. It wound up not being a major problem but a minor inconvenience. I do have a diminished opinion of the product though. Not sure if I should throw it out because I don't know how long it will take to decompose. --Submitted by bm of ga
In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees. I know, because I kept a log.. / A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial. The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him: "Is it true you were working at night? How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?" The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."
IFY of the Week: In lumberjack slang Macaroni is sawdust.
..........I fix broken hearts, I know that I truly can..........James Taylor …..Handy Man
Trivia Questions: It's the Gilroy Garlic Festival Weekend. What do you really know about it?
^ Which country grows, uses, and exports the most garlic?
^^ Care to guess how much garlic the average person consumes each year?
^^^ Know what the active ingredient for medicinal garlic is?
^^^^ What's the origin of the name, garlic?
^^^^^ About how much garlic does the US grow?
Big Hello: is salām 'alaykum – Arabic https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm
Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Due to personal reasons, I will not be reincarnating on earth again. --Submitted by inrith
Fake Library Statistic of the Week: Did you know that the same person who designed library systems to make all of a patrons holds come in at once also designed smoke detectors to alarm about their low batteries at 4 am https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts
One summer while I was in college, I tried my hand at lumberjacking. I couldn't hack it; they gave me the axe. / Did you know that Aaron Burr had a brother who was a lumberjack. His name was Tim.
..........I'm waiting for a daydream to take me through the morning..........James Taylor …..Millworker
Moonbeam: Now here’s somebody who wants to smoke a marijuana cigarette. If he’s caught, he goes to jail. Now is that moral? Is that proper? I think it’s absolutely disgraceful.. --Milton Friedman
Naturally Occurring Mandala of the Week: Garlic
Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Do not let them take the temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese and came home with two cases of beer. -Submitted by sb of ar
Week of the Week: International Clown Week (1-7) – I'm thinking of opening a Clown Shoe Store; but it's no small feat. / If a clown farts does it smell funny?
I've always been a nosy workaholic. I once got fired from a lumberjack job for cutting down too many trees. I saw too much. / Kim got a job as a lumberjack but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws 'guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day'. So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day. So he took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong with it. "Let me look at it", said the man in the shop and he switched it on. "What's that noise?" asked Kim?
..........You can't hide the truth with a happy song..........James Taylor …..Rainy Day Man
^ China grows a staggering two-thirds of the world's garlic, around 46 billion pounds per year.
Almanac: It is Friday, July 31, 2020. The moon will be full (Sturgeon) on Monday and is in Capricorn. It is System Administrator Appreciation Day, Uncommon Instruments Awareness Day, and World Ranger Day. In Mexico it is Day of National Mourning (1811-Miguel Hidalgo y Costilla).
Among those born on this day were Elmo Roper (1900), Milton Friedman (1912), Gary Lewis (1946), and Harry Potter (1980).
On July thirty-first Columbus landed on Trinidad (1498), the US government prohibited movies and photos of prize fights (1912), Idlewild Field (now Kennedy)
Airport was dedicated (1948), the Department of Health, Education & Welfare was created (1953), and Chet Huntley retired (1970).
Night Sky,7/31: The waxing gibbous Moon shines just over the Sagittarius Teapot this evening. Covering the Moon with your finger will make the Teapot stars easier to see, unless your evening sky is too bright with summer haze. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/
Max Picture of the Week: Max the babysitter and Ollie the babysitted
This Week: Saturday, August 1 – National Clown Day & Sandcastle Day & National Mahjong Day
Night Sky, 8/1: Today is Lammas Day or Lughnasadh, one of the four traditional "cross-quarter" days midway between the solstices and the equinoxes. Sort of. Over the centuries since this tradition took root in Europe, the calendar drifted with respect to Earth's position in its orbit. So in 2020, the midpoint between the June solstice and the September equinox actually falls on August 5th, at 1:08 pm EDT.
Sunday, August 2 – National Doll Day & National Kids' Day
Monday, August 3 – Watermelon Day & Friendship Day
Tuesday, August 4 – Coast Guard Day & Raisin Bran Day & Social Security Day
Wednesday, August 5 – National Oyster Day & National Underwear Day
Night Sky, 8/5: Mars rises due east around 11 (or midnight daylight saving time), it's a bright yellow-orange firespark between Pisces and Cetus. Watch for it to rise below the Great Square of Pegasus.
Thursday, August 6 – Hiroshima Day & India Pale Ale Beer Day
A lumberjack chopped up my teeth. But later she apologized and said it was axedental. / Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion? Now he's branch manager.
..........Everything is all right..........James Taylor …..Up On The Roof
^^ The average consumption of garlic is believed to weigh in at around 2 pounds per person. That means eating roughly 102 clovers per person per year.
'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Kinda messed up that we still have to wake up even though we're not allowed to go anywhere, but okay. --Submitted by inrith
Moonbeam: I think that the Internet is going to be one of the major forces for reducing the role of government.--Milton Friedman
Late Night Snacks of the Week: Without the virus under control schools will turn into an Amazon fulfillment center for coronavirus – it starts in a centralized location, and within a couple of days it’s personally delivered to everyone’s house. So until these issues are resolved, most parents in America are stuck between a rock and a hard place. --Trevor Noah / Trump has been so busy shanking the response to the coronavirus that he forgot about his real passion project: demonizing immigrants. But on Tuesday, Trump went “back to the basics” and issued an executive order barring the US census from counting undocumented immigrants. --Stephen Colbert / Finally, the White House announced this week that Trump will resume his daily coronavirus briefings. Oh man, I hate it when a show comes back after a long break and I can’t remember any of the plot lines though it was easy to remember the main characters: Trump is “the villain”, Mike Pence is “the butler …?” and Dr Anthony Fauci is “the guy who should’ve had a spin-off by now but he’s stuck here and only has like three lines an episode”. --Seth Meyers
Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: The six-foot doughnut...is the perfect combination of edible food item and once-in-a-century pandemic safety protocol. How does the six-foot doughnut work? Well, if you've ever been inside of an inner tube, then you know what it's like not to just order but also wear a six-foot doughnut. Upon entering the store, you are given your choice of glazed, chocolate, vanilla or pink icing with sprinkles. Customers simply slip the six-foot doughnut over their head until they're comfortably encased in the six-foot in diameter, 45,000-calorie, 25-pound doughnut outfitted with suspenders to help keep it at waist level. --Peter Grosz Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me 7/25/20
By judging others we blind ourselves to our own evil and to the grace which others are just as entitled to as we are. --Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Lumberjacks often make great singers – incredible timber. / On the other hand they often have trouble logging on to the computer.
..........Just guaranteed to blow your mind..........James Taylor …..Steamroller
^^^ The best way to release the health-happy power of garlic is to cut it, which then turns garlic’s thio-sulfinite compounds into allicin, an antibiotic and anti-fungal that is believed to reduce “bad” cholesterol, as it inhibits enzymes from growing in liver cells.
Worthless Fact of the Week: It takes a sloth 2 weeks to digest its food. It's the slowest digestion period of any mammal.
Wicked Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: How low can we set the bar? Is “I have toilet paper” an actual pick up line these days?
Weird Word of the Week: Fustilugs – a grossly fat or slovenly woman. --Yorkshire, England. The Anatomy of Melancholy by Robert Burton: “Every lover admires his mistress, though she be ... a vast virago, or an ugly tit, a slug, a fat fustilugs”. http://www.worldwidewords.org/weirdwords/ww-fus2.htm
Wacky Uses for Common Products: Store camping items. Carry utensils, food, clothes, maps, medications, and first aid supplies in Ziploc Storage Bags, http://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/ziploc.html
And yet, all lumberjacks end work with a log off. / Lucy the Lumberjack spoke with a thick axe-cent.
...........A hypothetical destination..........James Taylor …..Walking Man
^^^^ Despite its Asian origins, garlic's name is derived from Anglo-Saxon speech. A combination of two Anglo-Saxon words—“gar” (spear) and “lac” (plant)—is believed to be the source of the plant’s name, specifically in reference to the shape of its leaves.
Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: At this point, Jesus doesn't need to take the wheel...He needs to pull over and spank some of y'all with his flip flop. --Submitted by #RHOZ
Science Fiction Joke of the Week: "You know," I said, "that Sherlock Holmes was remarkable for his great dignity." "He was?" said my victim, undoubtedly searching his memory of the stories. "Oh, yes," I said gravely, "I'm sure you have often heard of the stately Holmes of England." --Isaac Asimov
Actual Science Joke of the Week: Physics Teacher: “Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn’t that wonderful?” Student: “Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn’t have discovered anything.”
Mild Mannered Curse of the Week: May the pin of the bathroom stall never reach the lock to close the door.
The Lumberjack's Film Festival featured all of TIMBURRRTON's movies. / My friend told this great lumberjack joke the other day. But no one was around to hear it.
..........Stories my poor head has told me..........James Taylor …..Long Ago and Far Away
^^^^^ The USA produces about 400 million pounds of garlic a year.
Month of the Week: August is National Catfish Month --A catfish was having trouble sleeping. The bass next door was too loud. / I went fishing and caught a bass, a catfish, and a hammerfer. What's a hammerfer? Fer driving nails.
Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I just ordered a life alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately. --Submitted by ds of mo
Today's Peace of History, July 31, 1991: The United States and the Soviet Union, represented by President George H.W. Bush and General Secretary Mikhail Gorbachev, signed the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty, known as START I. It was the first agreement to actually reduce (by 25-35%) and verify both countries’ stockpiles of nuclear weapons at equal aggregate levels in strategic offensive arms.
A drummer, a lumberjack, and a mathematician formed a band. They called it AlogRhythm. / Louie the Lumberjack says the pit saw is very dangerous. If you don't believe him, go ask his half brother!
..........Take to the highway..........James Taylor …..Country Road
Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle July 31, 2020, Macaroni ePistle. Serenity, Schtick, & Sawdust. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047
Moonbeam: Nothing is as permanent as a temporary government program. --Milton Friedman
Cost of War:
As of 7/30/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,048,625,583,847.
As of 7/23/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,046,668,755,203.
As of 7/30/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $981,192,220,849.
As of 7/23/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $979,862,323,658.
As of 7/30/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $783,156,030,129.
As of 7/23/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $781,483,882,863.
As of 7/30/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $333,626,388,985.
As of 7/23/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $333,246,322,720.
As of 7/30/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,146,600,047,103.
As of 7/23/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,141,261,913,336.
https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/
Well, they can't all be perfect like us. --Edgar Hendrix
Famous Last Words: Good night, Dave. --Chet Huntley nightly sign off
..........So, goodnight you moon light ladies..........James Taylor …..Sweet Baby James –Today's play list is from Taylor's Central Park Concert 1979
Homeland Security arrested Lucy the Lumberjack for treeson. / That's Larry the Lumberjack; he has a Ph.D. He sure is a smart feller.
May Peace warm your cockles
And Joy cool your jets
prairie mama
christine
Last Laugh:
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