Famous
First Words: Keep on truckin' --R Crumb
August
is Happiness Happens Month. Here are some jokes from various Prairie
Home Companion Joke Shows to make you happy: Why do we call it
politics? Because poly means many and ticks means blood-sucking
parasites. / Philip Morris said today that the tobacco settlement is
costing so much money that they may have to lay off two Republican
senators.
..........It's
a shame that all the blame is on us women.........Kitty Wells …..It
Wasn't God Who Made Honky Tonk Angels
With
her courage and determination, Malala has shown what terrorists fear
most; a girl with a book. --Ban
Ki-Moon
It
is a damp Friday morning. The sky is totally eclipsed by thick white
and gray clouds. Grass and leaves are sparkling with drops left from
last night's rain and the temperature (69°F) is cool and moist.
There is little breeze that moves the limbs to drop water on our
heads but the sidewalk is riddled with tiny pools and ponds. The
birds are still abed or at least silent. But Puck barks at the
squirrel in the tree across the street and at each student leaving
their home to walk to school. “Have a grouchy good day!” We hurry
along investigating each puddle to get home and run our errands. The
house is cool and dark and quiet and I leave it that way until I
return with groceries and stuff. But now, errands run, breakfast
consumed, fresh hot coffee caressing my mouth and nose, I get write
to you.
Hope
your weekend is the happiest in ages, ePistliers
What
do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Duh, they
have the same middle name. / My grandfather is hard of
hearing. He needs to read lips. I don't mind him reading lips, but
he uses a yellow highlighter.
Happy
50th anniversary of the firing of the Smothers Brothers:
If you’re old enough to get
arrested, you’re old enough to carry a gun. Guns are a necessity;
what if you’re walking down the street and spot a moose?
--Pat Paulsen
..........Manana
morning my darling.........Kitty Wells …..Amigo's Guitar
Trivia
Questions: Happy Toasted Marshmallows Day !
^
Any idea where the name marshmallow comes from?
^^
During any given summer, what percentage of marshmallows sold are
toasted?
^^^
Care to guess when marshmallows were first used in candy?
^^^^
About when did s'mores enter marshmallow history?
^^^^^
And, finally, where, exactly is the marshmallow capital of the world?
Funniest
Thing I Read of the Week: Don't think
Bernie Sanders is effective? He released his climate plan yesterday
and ALREADY David Koch is dead. --pj of ks
Fake
Library Statistic of the Week:
19% of library staff have been banned from using the library
microwave. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts
President
Bush's State of the Union speech got higher ratings than American
Idol. Millions of people turned in thinking they could vote him off.
/ In his State of the Union address, President Bush said the economy
is on the move. It's moving to India
Dick:
Well, look, it's a very, very, very, very difficult situation. You
know, people keep spending money abroad, and it's hurting our
economy. People keep wanting to travel to other countries instead of
staying here in the United States. Tom: Yeah, well, I think President
Johnson should come up with something positive as an inducement to
keep the people, something very positive as an inducement. Dick:
Yeah, that's right. That's good thinking. Tom: But lookit, what can
the president do to make people want to stay in this country? Dick:
Well, he could quit.
Greenland
to the US, Alaska to Russia, and Crimea to Denmark in a blockbuster
three-team trade. --Matt Pearce
..........Dreaming,
in all my dreams.........Kitty Wells …..Searching
Moonbeam:
Invention, it must be humbly admitted, does not consist of creating
out of void, but out of chaos. --Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley
Naturally
Occurring Mandala of the Week: Hair
Big
Hello: Tashi delek
- Tibetan https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm
Next
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: At my
funeral take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to
see who's next.
Week
of the Week: World Water Week (25-30)
–Sharks only swim in salt water because pepper water makes them
sneeze. / The ocean and the sea had a baby. It was a buoy.
Did
you hear about the paranoid dyslexic? He always thought he was
following someone. / The minister raises his hands and says: “we
are but dust...” The little girl turns to her mother and says,
“what is butt dust?”
There
was the phrase in it - I feel my heart beating in my breast - and
the censors wouldn't let them say breast. So they ended up saying I
feel my heart beating in my wrist.
MAGA
is an anagram of Make Greenland American Already –Jonah Goldberg
..........Man
made laws to set you free.........Kitty Wells …..Will Your Lawyer
Talk To God
^
Marshmallow was made from the mallow plant (Athaea officinalis) that
grows wild in marshes. Mallow is native to Asia and Europe and has
been naturalized in America.
Almanac:
It is Friday, August 30, 2019. The
moon is new today and is in Virgo. It is International
Day of the Victims of Enforced Disappearance, National
Toasted Marshmallows Day, and National Holistic Pet Day. In
Afghanistan it is Children's Day and in
Turkey it is Victory Day (1922) .
Among
those born on this day were Jacques-Louis
David (1748), Mary Wollstonecraft Shelly (1797), Ellen Arthur (1837),
Ernest Rutherford (1871), Huey P. Long (1893), Raymond Massey (1896),
Roy Wilkins (1901), Joan Blondell (1909), Ted Williams (1918), Kitty
Wells (1919), Johnny Mann (1928), John Swigert (1931), and R. Crumb
(1943).
On
August thirtieth the Liberty Party convention
became the first to have black participation (1843), Honolulu was
incorporated (1850), 13,000 meteors were seen during one hour (1885),
Ty Cobb had his first major league at bat (1905), the first negro
judge was confirmed for the US District Court (1961), The Democratic
National Convention refused to seat any delegates from the
Mississippi Freedom Democratic Party (MFDP), Fannie Lou Hamer led
that delegation which was eventually seated but given no vote.
(1964), Tom Brokaw became the anchor of the Today
Show
(1976), and President Carter was attacked by a rabbit (1979).
Night
Sky,8/30:
August is prime Milky Way time now that the Moon is out of the
evening sky. Once twilight fully ends, the Milky Way runs from
Sagittarius in the south, up and left across Aquila and through the
big Summer Triangle overhead, and on down through Cassiopeia to
Perseus in the northeast.
http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/
Max
Picture of the Week:
Max auditioning for Strictly
Ballroom
This
Week: Saturday, August 31 - Bacon
Day & Love Litigating Lawyers Day & National Cowgirl Day
Sunday,
September 1 – Random Acts of Kindness Day aka Be Kind Day &
World Letter Writing Day
Night
Sky, 9/1: Altair is the brightest star on the
southern side of the sky after dark. (We're not counting the planets
Jupiter and Saturn, far to its lower right.) Spot Altair's little
orange companion Tarazed to its upper right by just a finger width at
arm's length. Look to Altair's upper left, by a bit more than a
fist, for little Delphinus, the Dolphin. Closer above Altair is even
smaller, fainter Sagitta, the Arrow
Monday,
September 2 – Labor Day
Tuesday,
September 3 – Skyscraper Day &
Another Look Unlimited Day
Night
Sky, 9/3: Two of the most famous deep-sky objects, the Double
Cluster in Perseus and the Great Andromeda Galaxy M31, are in high
view in the east. Did you know they're only 22° apart? They're both
cataloged as 4th magnitude but they look rather different, the more
so the darker your sky
Wednesday,
September 4 – Newspaper Carrier Day
Thursday,
September 5 – Be Late For Something Day & Jury Rights
Day & International Day of Charity
An
angel is talking to God. The angel says, “Look, God, I know that
you're all-seeing and all-knowing, but for the knock-knock joke to
work, you have to say “Who's there”. / Bill Gates died and went
to heaven and was given a little cottage in the woods and next door
was a mansion with a golf course and tennis courts, and there lived
the captain of the Titanic. “Why does he deserve better?” Bill
said to God. “Because the Titanic only crashed once.”
They
ought to put an amendment to the First Amendment that says there
shall also be freedom of hearing. --Tom Smothers
Trump
is going to buy Greenland and Mexico is going to pay for it. --Jesse
Ferguson
..........Sometimes
I'm lonely and time stands still.........Kitty Wells …..Heartbreak
USA
^^
Each summer more than 50% of all marshmallows sold are toasted over a
fire.
'Nother
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: When a billionaire dies,
who inherits their senators?
Moonbeam:
Beware; for I am fearless, and therefore powerful. --Mary
Wollstonecraft Shelly
Classic
Late Night Snacks of the Week: Donald Drumpf
is leading among Christian evangelical voters. They love him.
Apparently, they like him because a Drumpf presidency would mean the
world really is coming to an end. --Conan O'Brien / Kellogg’s
announced today that it will be spending 450 million dollars in an
effort to expand its food distribution to Africa. Though sadly, it
was reported today that Tony the Tiger was gunned down by a Minnesota
dentist. --Seth Meyers / Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker says that
he thinks only 12 states will decide the presidential election. And
if Drumpf wins, those 12 states will include shock, confusion,
outrage, despair, denial, anger, bargaining and finally acceptance.
--Jimmy Fallon / Congress was back in session after a five-week
summer break. They have until September 30 to pass a budget to ensure
that the government stays up and running, or else they will be forced
to, well, I guess go back on vacation. --Jimmy Kimmel / The Miss
America Pageant crowned its 94th winner last night. There was lots of
excitement, plenty of surprises. The biggest surprise for me was
finding out that you guys still do this. I understand that Miss
America is an old American tradition, but so was dying of polio, and
you've managed to stop that. Technically the winner last night was
anyone who didn't watch, but the official winner was Miss Georgia.
--James Corden –from September 2015
Classic
Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: Oh, it happens so often.
Amazon came to New York with just a dream and $100 billion in its
pocket. New York said, yeah, a bunch of you clowns get off of Port
Authority every day. This is a city that will tolerate 3 billion rats
and regularly sitting in pee in the subway, but Amazon - hell, no.
--Peter Sagal Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me 2/16/19
The
world is over-armed and peace is underfunded. --Ban Ki-Moon
If
you can't be kind, at least be vague. / My only sin is vanity. I
look in the mirror each morning and think how beautiful I am. That's
not a sin..that's a mistake.
I
found out that I couldn't have a nervous breakdown. I tried a couple
of times, but it just didn't work out. My mind, my body wouldn't let
me. --Tom Smothers
Honored
sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with an exciting
opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount
of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I
will give you “Greenland”. --Yoni Appelbaum
..........A
soft song fell within his hearing.........Kitty Wells …..We Buried
Her Beneath the Willows
^^^
Ancient Egyptians were the first to enjoy a gooey treat from
marshmallow as early as 2000
BC. The treat was considered very special and it was reserved for
gods and royalty.
Worthless
Fact of the Week: Tyrus Raymond Cobb (December
18, 1886 – July 17, 1961), nicknamed The Georgia Peach, .... On
August 30, 1905, in his first major league at bat, he doubled off of
Jack Chesbro of the New York Highlanders.
Wicked
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: It is
just a matter of time before they add the word “syndrome” after
my last name. --Kenneth Wright
Weird
Word of the Week:
Fimbriated – heraldry..a narrow border around the main design OR
Science..an animal or plant that has a fringe of hairs or the like.
http://www.worldwidewords.org/weirdwords/ww-fim1.htm
Wacky
Uses for Common Products:
Remove glue from furniture. Apply a dab of Wesson Vegetable Oil and
rub. http://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/wesson.html
Do
you have any pornographic literature? I don't even have a pornograph.
/ Before they invented golf balls, how did they measure hail?
If
the soup boils, call it consummé. --Goldie Keif (the tokin woman)
Denmark
offered to buy the senate from the NRA.
...........The
light shines bright from you window.........Kitty Wells …..Mansion
On The Hill
^^^^
No one knows for sure who invented the s'more. However, the first
published recipe for “some mores" was in a 1927
publication called Tramping and Trailing with the Girl Scouts.
Loretta Scott Crew, who made them for Girl Scouts by the campfire, is
given credit for the recipe.
Capitalist
Meme of the Week: Socialism doesn't mean taking wealth from
those who work hard and giving it to those who don't. You're
thinking of capitalism.
Antepenultimate
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: How
do you make a banjo sound beautiful? Trade it in for a violin.
--Submitted by ra of ks
Penultimate
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Of
course I believe in the here after. Every time I walk into the
kitchen I think, “what am I here after?”.
Science
Fiction Convention of the Week:
CoKoCon 2019 (20-2, Phoenix) –Featuring Apocalypse
Later,
a mini-film festival. http://cokocon.org/2019/index.html
Actual
Science Convention of the Week:
ACL 2019: Association for Computational Linguistics. (28-2, Florence,
Italy) Out of millions of jobs, see the newest ones and be an early
applicant. http://www.guide2research.com/conference/acl-2019
Puck
the Brave Episode of the Week:
Here's our nearly fearless, Justice, braving the thunder with Jeff
while Puck sleeps under my desk in the case of the Large Lazy
Lapdog.
If
it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for? / I longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so
I got a dog. It's cheaper, and you get more feet.
Here's
your hippy dippy weatherman with all your hippy dippy weather, man.
--George Carlin as Al Sheet
If
we sell California to China to pay off our debt and annex Greenland,
we don't even need a new flag. Everyone wins. --Greg Pollowitz
..........Though
I knew I must atone.........Kitty Wells …..Back Street Affair
^^^^^
The
marshmallow capital of the world is in Ligonier, Indiana. Ligonier is
also the home of the Annual
Marshmallow Festival.
Month
of the Week: August is National
Breastfeeding Month --Today I kicked a breastfeed mom out of my
restaurant...not because other customers thought she was indecent,
but because we have a no outside food or drinks policy.
Final
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week:
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables
have turned. --50
Nerds of Grey
Grammar
Joke of the Week: General: Sir, we are mining too many useless
minerals. Drumpf: Mine less then. General: Mine fewer. Drumpf:
Yes? What do you need now.
Today's
Peace of History. August 30, 1967: The Senate
confirmed the appointment of Thurgood Marshall as the first Supreme
Court Justice of African-American descent. Marshall had been counsel
to the NAACP Legal Defense Fund, and had been the lead attorney in
the Brown v. Board of Education case. He was appointed to the Court
by President Lyndon Johnson after having served as Solicitor General
of the US for two years, and on the U.S. Court of Appeals for four.
How
many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? How many
therapists do you think it takes to change a light bulb? / How many
choir directors does it take to change a light bulb? No one know
because no one watches the director.
Assuming
either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country,
it would probably fly around in circles. --Pat Paulsen
..........All
heads were bowed mighty low.........Kitty Wells …..Sweeter Than
The Flowers
Masthead
of the Week:
Friday ePistle August 30, 2019, Happy Luck ePistle. Peace, Love, and
Stale Jokes. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/
Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS
66047
Moonbeam:
No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for
happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley
Cost
of War:
As
of 8/29/19 Military Costs of War since 2001: $2,953,806,010,934.
As
of 8/22/19 Military Costs of War since 2001: $2,951,418,701,759.
As
of 8/29/19 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $916,752,432,084.
As
of 8/22/19 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $915,419,018,071.
As
of 8/29/19 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $702,146,014,466.
As
of 8/22/19 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $700,469,523,491.
As
of 8/29/19 Veterans Care since 2001: $315,215,051,599.
As
of 8/22/19 Veterans Care since 2001: $314,833,967,136.
As
of 8/29/19 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $4,887,921,896,147.
As
of 8/22/19 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $4,882,036,168,121.
Parting
Words of the Week: Boob owners listen. Small boob owners were
often teased, compared to boys, and feel too flat to be feminine.
Big boob owners were often over sexualized, don't fit popular fashion
and feel too big to be feminine. But we must united to fight the
real enemy: Climate Change. --Submitted by rmar of ks
By
empowering today’s youth, we will lay the groundwork for a more
sustainable future for generations to come. --Ban Ki-Moon
..........I
paid for each mistake with millions of bitter tears.........Kitty
Wells …..I Don't Claim To Be An Angel
Is
it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?
Depends on how fast you carry the flashlight. / So three skunks went
to church. The priest made them sit in their own pew.
Famous
Last Words: 30.
Draw five circles that one common inter-locking part. --Voting
Literary Test
May
Peace give you joy
And
Joy give you peace
prairie
mama
christine
Last
Laugh:
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