Twelve Pack ePistle

 Famous First Words: We don't need no education --Roger (Syd) Barrett of Pink Floyd Another Brick In The Wall

It's Twelfth Night and here are at least a dozen jokes and puns. / I went to a beekeeper to get a dozen bees. When he gave me the bag, there were 13. So I said, “Oops, you gave me an extra.” He said, “, that's a free bee”. / I bought a used end table from a mathematician. The next morning there were a dozen of them. Turns out it was a multiplication table.

..........Is it worth the waiting for.........Chorus …..Food Glorious Food

No work or love will flourish out of guilt, fear, or hollowness of heart, just as no valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now. --Alan Watts

It is a cold (22°F) Friday morning. There is no wind at all and even the willow branches hang still and shine a golden green in the rising sun. No motion draws the eye – neither bird nor squirrel grace the tree limbs. A few puffy clouds float in short streams across the pale blue sky. Only the ragged sound of a buzz saw or, more likely, a leaf blower breaks the silence and explains why no birds are about. The house smells of brewing coffee and I sip creamy, sweet chocolate hazelnut. Puck is taking his early morning nap on his pillow facing the open bedroom door – in case of a cat invasion – which he enjoys but pretends is annoying. Veronica is in the kitchen practicing “cabinet captivity”. It's a game in which she lets herself into one of the lower kitchen cabinets – the one with pans in it – and then nudges the door so that it flaps and makes smacking noises as if she is trapped, which she is not. I think she must be getting in shape for the local tournament, as the number of hours of door flapping has gone up in recent days. Once we all figured out that she can get out if she wants to, we've learned to ignore it. All in all...a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

Hope your weekend takes the cake, ePistliers.

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: You don't grow out of legos, you just graduate to Ikea. --Henpecked Hal --Submitted by INRITH

The baker threw a dozen lemons into the bread because she wanted to make sourdough. / What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters, and occasionally has twelve letters? The mailbox

..........Pounce him, trounce him, pick him up and bounce him.........Widow Corney …..Oliver

Trivia Questions: Happy National Bacon Day!

• ^ From what part of the pig is bacon taken?
• ^^ In the US what percentage of bacon is consumed at breakfast?
• ^^^ How many pounds of bacon are produced each year in the US?
• ^^^^ How much bacon does each American consume each year?
• ^^^^^ Where does the expression “bring home the bacon” come from?

Big Hello: Apa kabar – Indonesian https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm ~~Also acceptable Hi

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: 2022 is over and I think I speak for most of us when I say, “WHAT the hell was THAT?” --M W Facets --Submitted by jm or ks

Image of the Week: 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 time loser = Kevin McCarthy

Fake Library Statistics of the Week: 1 in 10 book club ladies uses a cane hiding a sword. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

I just had a dozen crows land in my backyard. I'm getting really tired of the Corvid Pandemic. / I drink a lot of alcohol. A LOT. So I'm doing twelve steps. I moved to an apartment within walking distance of my local pub.

..........If I ask you can I kiss you.........Mr Bumble …..I Shall Scream

Moonbeam: I have gazed on the face of Agamemnon. --Heinrich Schliemann

Meditation of the Week: What is art for? --Aristotle

Puzzle of the Week: Name a prominent geographical location in the United States. Change the fifth letter to an S. The resulting string of letters from left to right will name a game, a mountaintop, and a popular website. What place is it?

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: The 5 second rule for food dropped on the flower doesn't work if you have a 2 second dog. --Submitted by PsyDe

I submitted nearly a dozen entries into the Dad Joke Contest. I was hoping for a win, unfortunately, no pun in ten did. / A nose can't be twelve inches long because then it would be a foot.

..........Is it underneath the willow tree.........Oliver …..Where Is Love

^ American bacon is made from the pork belly, which accounts for its trademark streaks of fat. European and Canadian bacon are still made from the back meat of a pig, which is considerably leaner.

Almanac: It is Friday, January 6, 2023. The moon is full (Wolf) today and is in Cancer. It is National Bean Day, National Cuddle Up Day, National Shortbread Day, National Technology Day, and Three Kings Day aka Epiphany aka Twelfth Night.

Among those born on this day were Richard II (1367), Joan of Arc (1412), Francois de la Croix (1683), Jacques-Etienne Montgolfier (1745), Kaspar Masek (1794), Ludwig Erk (1807), Heinrich Schliemann (1822), Sherlock Holmes (1854), Georges Witkowski (1867), Carl Sandburg (1878), Tom Mix (1880), Sam Rayburn (1882), Khalil Gibran (1883), Loretta Young (1913), Alan Watts (1915), Earl Scruggs (1924), EL Doctorow (1931), Doris Troy (1937), Bonnie Franklin (1944), Pepe LePew (1945), Roger Barrett (Pink Floyd, 1946), Kim Wilson (1951), and Rowan Atkinson (1955).

On December sixth Harald was crowned king of England (1066), Pizarro founded Lima, Peru (1535), Henry VIII married Anne of Cleves (his 4th, 1540), Washington married Martha (1759), Congress began investigating Credit Mobilier (1873), New Mexico was admitted to the union (1912), Merrill Lynch was founded (1914), US marines invaded Nicaragua (1927), FDR gave his 4 freedoms speech (Speech, Worship, from want and from fear, 1941), Britain recognized the Chinese government (1950), Gibson patented the Flying V Guitar (1958), and the last Milton Berle Show aired (1967).

Night Sky, 1/6: Full Moon (6:08 pm EST) The Moon rises in the east-northeast just before sunset. After nightfall you can see that it shines between the hearts of the Gemini stick figures, if you use binoculars to help piece out the constellation through the moonlight. The Moon forms a nice, almost isosceles triangle with brighter Castor and Pollux, Gemini's head stars, to its left. Watch this triangle change shape through the night as the Moon moves eastward along its orbit. The Moon moves against the stars by about its own diameter every hour. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Fraternal Picture of the Week: The boys and their Snow-friend

Extra Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: They say with age comes wisdom, therefore, I don't have wrinkles, I have wise cracks. --Submitted by PsyDe

This Week: Saturday, January 7 – National Play Outside Day & Old Rock Day & Harlem Globetrotters' Day

Sunday, January 8 – Midwife's Day aka Women's Day & War On Poverty Day & Bubble Bath Day

Night Sky, 1/8: After dinnertime, the enormous Andromeda-Pegasus complex runs from near the zenith down toward the western horizon. Near the zenith, spot Andromeda's high foot: 2nd-magnitude Gamma Andromedae (Almach), slightly orange. Andromeda is standing on her head. Almost halfway down from the zenith to the west horizon is the Great Square of Pegasus, balancing on one corner. Andromeda's head is its top corner. From the bottom corner run the stars outlining Pegasus's neck and head, ending at his nose: 2nd-magnitude Enif, due west. It too is slightly orange.

Monday, January 9 – National Clean Off Your Desk Day & Plough Monday

Tuesday, January 10 – Houseplant Appreciation Day & National Poetry at Work Day

Wednesday, January 11 – Learn You Name in Morse Code Day & National Human Trafficking Awareness Day

Night Sky, 1/11: Neptune at the Aquarius-Pisces border about 8° west of Jupiter, gets lower through the evening ahead of Jupiter. It's just 2.3 arcseconds wide, again non-stellar in a telescope but requiring more effort than Uranus. It's slightly bluish gray, if you have enough aperture to show color at all in something this faint.

Thursday, January 12 – Kiss A Ginger Day & National Hot Tea Day

The programmer's partner is sent to the store with the instructions: Get a gallon of milk and If they have eggs, get a dozen. The lady came home with 12 gallons of milk and said. “They had eggs.”/ The police department described the scene of the man who was shot twelve times by the police as the most horrific suicide scenario they'd ever seen.

..........He's going cheap. Only seven guineas.........Mr Bumble …..Boy For Sale

^^ 70% of all bacon in the US is eaten at breakfast time.

Preantepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I hope my neighbor's New Year's resolution is to throw out the pumpkin on their porch. --Simon Holland --Submitted by INRITH

Moonbeam: Nothing happens unless first we dream --Carl Sandburg

Video of the Week: Give Me One Dozen Roses (Harry James Orchestra with Jimmy Saunders 1:59) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPTH4TmBh2Y

Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: The man was earning about 250 grand a year for writing software, and was reportedly the best developer at the firm, when in fact he was paying a guy in China to do his work, while - and this is true - he watched cat videos and shopped online all day. The firm condemned the man's actions in an official statement signed by the CEO and written by an intern. --Peter Sagal Wait Wait Don't Tell Me 1/26/2013

But I'll tell you what hermits realize. If you go off into a far, far forest and get very quiet, you'll come to understand that you're connected with everything. --Alan Watts

A scientist walks into a lab to pick up a dozen beakers. The lab clerk hands him 13. The scientist says, “I only need a dozen.” The lab clerk answers, “Sorry, I thought you wanted a beaker's dozen.” / Jesus and the twelve disciples walk into a bar. “Thirteen large glasses of water, please, says Jesus to the bartender, dropping Peter a wink.

..........Who can tell where danger's lurking.........Fagin …..Be Back Soon

^^^ More than 2 billion pounds of bacon is produced each year in the US.

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: My neighbors with the fireworks would like to wish everyone a happy 8:42 pm. --Simon Holland --Submitted by INRITH

Weird Word of the Week: Urtication – flogging with nettles ?Erotic stimulation or folk remedy for several ailments?? http://www.worldwidewords.org/weirdwords/ww-urt1.htm

Dragon of the Week: From the Donate Life float in the Rose Parade 2023.

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Remove jellyfish tentacles from skin. If you have difficulty removing jellyfish tentacles from your skin, apply a dab of barbasol shaving cream, then scrape out the tentacles. https://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/barbasol.html

As Weird Will said while walking out of Dunkin Donuts with a dozen glazed, “Good Buy!” / After twelve years of psychoanalysis, my psychiatrists said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo Ingles”.

...........I'll go anywhere for your smile.........Dodger …..I'll Do Anything

^^^^ The average American consumes 18 pounds of bacon per year.

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Just finished reading “100 Things to do Before You Die” … I was quite surprised to see that “shout for help” wasn't there. --Submitted by INRITH

Science Fiction Convention of the Week: FanExpo New Orleans (1/6-8, New Orleans) Experience the ultimate playground for Comics, Sci-Fi, Horror, Anime, and Gaming. https://fanexpohq.com/fanexponeworleans/

Actual Science Conference of the Week: Spark Engagement with Adobe Creative Cloud (1/6, University of Michigan) ...provides participants with student engagement strategies alongside an introduction to an easy-to-use graphics tool called Adobe Creative Cloud Express. https://events.umich.edu/event/101750

Answer to Puzzle of the Week: Chesapeake Bay (chess + peak + eBay)

I was going to tell the story about the farmer selling 24 dozen eggs, but it's two gross. / After hearing me sing, my music teacher said I should be tenor twelve feet away from all musical instruments.

..........Tho' it ain't all jolly old pleasure outings.........Nancy …..It's A Fine Life

^^^^^ The phrase “bringing home the bacon” originated back in the 12th century when a church in England offered a side of bacon to any man who could swear before the church that he had not fought or quarreled with his wife for a year and a day. Any man who could “bring home the bacon” was highly respected in his community.

My Own Writing of the Week: My favorite maison a trois was the time I had three lovers during the same time period. One of them, an Apollo, lived way out of town and only showed up for a week or so at times spread far apart. Easy peasy. The Pooh lived in the next town or so over and we saw each other on weekends. The Welder lived in KC where I lived at the time and we saw each other a couple of nights a week. During this period I got a couple of promotions at work and eventually moved over to tech writing which became my all time favorite job. I also wrote more stories and poems than at any other time of my life. It was a good life, indeed.

The Welder - a wild redhead - moved to California where he welded floats for the Rose Parade. He was the friendliest of my lovers and I feel that if we ran into each other today, after 30+ years, it would be as if no time had passed. Pooh got his PhD and moved to the midwest which is way east of here. The Apollo is currently living in Thailand.

From Always Surrender by Christine Smith

Quote of the Week: Competition is the law of the jungle, cooperation is the law of civilization. --Peter Kropotkin

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I was up at midnight on New Year's Eve; I had to pee. --Submitted by INRITH

Today's Peace of History, January 6, 1832: The New England Anti-Slavery Society was founded at the African Meeting House in Boston.

I needed a dozen copies for my presentation so I set 12 as the number of copies in Word and on the printer itself. I now have 144 copies. / If you don't know the difference between twelve year old scotch and baby formula, you're not babysitting my children.

..........tee-ruppa-tuppa-ruppa-tum-tum.........Fagin …..You've Got To Pick A Pocket Or Two

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle January 6, 2023, 12-Pack ePistle. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. Lawrence, KS.

Moonbeam: Writing in a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. – E L Doctorow

Cost of War:

• As of 01/05/23 State Department War Costs since 2001: $196.673.120.864.
• As of 12/29/29 State Department War Costs since 2001: $195,580,972,168.
• As of 01/05/23 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,108,431,946,226.
• As of 12/29/29 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,105,381,439,265.
• As of 01/05/23 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,125,334,491,876.
• As of 12/29/29 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,124,754,566,619.
• As of 01/05/23 Veterans Care since 2001: $2,827,460,422,610.
• As of 12/29/29 Veterans Care since 2001: $2,816,153,444,512.
• As of 01/05/23 Military Costs since 2001: $3,001,272,821,227.
• As of 12/29/29 Military Costs since 2001: $3,000,140,196,870.
• As of 01/05/23 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $8,259,178,899,397.
• As of 12/29/29 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $8,244,135,713,548.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

Reality is only a Rorschach ink-blot, you know. --Alan Watts

Famous Last Words: To that high concept there can be no end save victory. --FDR 4 Freedoms Speech

..........Consider yourself well in..........Dodger …..Consider Yourself ~~Today's songs are from Oliver which premiered at the Imperial Theater 1/6/63

I do have a dozen egg jokes that'll crack you up. / I was offered #3.50 for a dozen chickens; but I couldn't see buying them for such a poultry sum.

May Peace keep your rhythm

And Joy carry your melody

prairie mama

christine

Last Laugh:

ePistle of a Feather

 Famous First Words: Pour, oh, pour the pirate sherry... The Pirates of Penzance

The Christmas Bird Count is underway. When bird-watchers find a nest they get so egg-sighted. / A bird-watcher reminisced about her past. “I have many egrets”.

..........take a look at yourself.........Bo Diddley …..Before You Accuse Me

I believe in one thing—that only a life lived for others is a life worth living. --Albert Einstein

It is a cold (31°F), gray Friday morning. The sky is smeared with a cloud layer that prevents the rising sun from making much of an impact on the day. There is no wind to enhance the cold, nor does it seem to threaten rain. It is just a gray December day. Puck is sleeping under my feet and I am sipping Chocolate Hazelnut decaf and typing. Jeff is at work and Dashiell now has the stomach troubles that I have just gotten over. (...over which I have just gotten...Gee, it's fun to be an English major). The local murder of crows is in the backyard discussing their plans and making a great noise with it. It is very quiet in the house; Puck is not even snoring. There is only the furnace humming now and then. I stop and turn my head, the silence is wonderful. But, I digress, I have no place to go this morning, no errands, no appointments. I only have to sit here and write to you. What a small blessing this old year has given me. Hope it does the same for you.

Hope your weekend lasts all year, ePistlers

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: A sinkhole roughly the size of seven washing machines has closed the northbound lanes of State Line Road near 100^th Street in KCMO. --Americans will measure with anything but the metric system. --Submitted by FNOG

You're a bird-watcher, great, what's in the tree over there? Yeah, they're all birds. / An ornithologist I know took a trip to Germany to drive on the Audubon.

..........And I miss them groovy puddles on the floor.........John Hartford …..The Good Old Electric Washing Machine

Trivia Questions: Happy Hundred and Third birthday to the American Meteorological Society.

• ^ Do you have any idea who founded or where they founded the AMS?
• ^^ Who makes up the bulk of the society's members?
• ^^^ How did the MS help advance meteorological science in the early days?
• ^^^^ What certification programs does the AMS offer?
• ^^^^^ How many members do you figure the AMS have, more or less?

Big Hello: Tiervâ – Inari Saami (Finland) https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: It's so cold my teeth were chattering all night...and I wasn't even wearing them. ---Maxine.com

Image of the Week: The always lovely Plaza Lights

Fake Library Statistics of the Week: 67% of librarians are currently wearing every cardigan they own and the weird one at the library that doesn't seem to belong to anyone. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

A bird-watcher I know traded a seagull for a sausage and got sick. She took a tern for the wurst. / I met a girl who took care of owls for rich people who had them as pets. They called her Hootenanny.

..........I'm walkin' in the rain..........Del Shannon …..Runaway

Moonbeam: Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind. --Rudyard Kipling

Meditation of the Week: What can I know? --Immanuel Kant

Puzzle of the Week: This challenge came from listener Neville Fogarty of Newport News, Va. Think of a convenience introduced in the 19th century that is still around today. Its name has two words. Take the first three letters of the first word and the first letter of its second word, in order to get a convenience introduced in the 21st century that serves a similar purpose. Their names are otherwise unrelated. What two conveniences are these? --Sunday Puzzle 12/24/17

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: There's nothing like opening Christmas gifts to remind you that the people you're closest to in the world know absolutely nothing about you. --Submitted by INRITH

bird-watchers, are you tired of the same bird jokes every time someone finds out about your hobby? Well, toucan play that game. / There's a really big bird-watching event this weekend. It's the Superb owl.

..........I could fly 'neath the wings of the bluebird as she sings.........The Monkees (with Michael Nesmith & Davy Jones) …..Daydream Believer

^ The American Meteorological Society was founded in 1919 by Charles Franklin Brooks of the Blue Hill Observatory in Milton, Massachusetts. Its initial membership came primarily from the U.S. Signal Corps and U.S. Weather Bureau and numbered just less than 600.

Almanac: It is Friday, December 30, 2022. The moon went into the first quarter yesterday (12/29) and is in Aries. It is Bacon Day, National Bicarbonate of Soda Day, and Falling Needles Family Fest Day. Because it is the last business day of the year it is also No Interruptions Day.

Among those born on this day were Titus (39), Alessandro Piccinini (1566), William Croft (1678), Heinrich Ebell (1775), Theodor Fontane (1819), Rudyard Kipling (1865), Simon Guggenheim (1867), Alfred Einstein (1880), Dmitri Kabalevsky (1904), Bert Parks (1914), Bo Diddley (Ellas Bates, 1928), Skeeter Davis (Mary Penick, 1931), Russ Tamblyn (1934), Sandy Koufax (1935), John Hartford (1937), Del Shannon (Charles Westover, 1939), James Burrows (1940), Michael Nesmith (1942), Davy Jones (1945), Jeff Lynne (1947), Matt Lauer (1957), Tracy Ullman (1959), and Tiger Woods (1975).

On December thirtieth Dido & Aeneas premiered (1689), the first coffee plant was sown in Hawaii (1817), the Gadsden Purchase was made (1854), the American Meteorological Society formed (1873), the Pirates of Penzance premiered (1879), Sun Yat-sen was elected the first president of the Republic of China (1911), the United Auto Workers staged a sit-down strike at Fisher Body (1936), Wake Up and Dream premiered (1929), California opened its first freeway (Arroyo Seco, 1940), Kiss Me Kate opened (1948), Skylab sent back first space photos of comet Kohoutek (1973), Gretaky set NHL record 60 goals by 39th game of season (1981), and the Vatican recognized Israel (1993).

Night Sky, 12/30: Cassiopeia is usually called a flattened letter W, but now it's a flattened M very high overhead around 7 or 8 pm, just a little west of north. Three hours later it will have turned around to stand on one end high in the northwest. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Fraternal Picture of the Week: Christmas Cookie Ritual

This Week: Saturday, December 31- Mahogany & Make Up You Mind Day & World Peace Meditation Day

Night Sky, 12/31: After the noise and hoopla at the turning of midnight tonight, step outside into the silent, cold dark. Shining high in the south will be Sirius, with the other bright stars of Canis Major to its right and below it. Sirius is the bottom star of the bright, equilateral Winter Triangle. The others are Betelgeuse in Orion's shoulder to Sirius's upper right, and Procyon the same distance to Sirius's upper left. The Triangle now stands upright, just about in balance on the point of Sirius. Happy New Year.

Sunday, January 1 – New Years Day & Copyright Day & Polar Bear Plunge Day & World Day of Peace

Monday, January 2 – National Science Fiction Day & National Buffet Day & Stop Spam Day

Tuesday, January 3 – Festival of Sleep Day & JRR Tolkien Day

Wednesday, January 4 – Earth at Perihelion & Trivia Day & World Braille Day

Night Sky, 1/4: Mercury and Venus pass each other this week very low in the southwest in twilight. Try it with binoculars about 30 minutes after sundown. Venus is by far the brightest at magnitude –3.9. Mercury begins the week 4° upper left of it on Christmas Eve. They pass 1.7° apart on the 29th, with Mercury now to Venus's right. Thereafter Mercury sinks away fast, while Venus continues creeping a little upward. During this time Mercury fades rapidly: from magnitude –0.3 on December 24th to +0.8 by the 31st, a loss of two thirds of its light in seven days.

Thursday, January 5 – National Bird Day & Monopoly Game Day & Twelfth Night

The only reason I took up bird-watching is so I can use the words tits and boobies in normal conversation. / After a decade of research it was determined that hummingbirds hum because they don't know the lyrics.

..........You've got me runnin', goin' out of my mind.........ELO with Jeff Lynne …..Don't Bring Me Down

^^ Many of the initial members were not practicing meteorologists, but after the dues were raised from $1 to $2 in 1922, the weather hobbyists began dropping their membership, and the Society moved toward a membership made up primarily of professionals in the field.

Preantepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: From now until early January we will be in the “I have no idea what day of the week it is” portion of the year. --Thoughts From Aisle 4

Moonbeam: Against a stupidity that is in fashion, now wisdom compensates. --Theodor Fontane

Video of the Week: The Christmas Decorations in the Biden White House (2:18) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=os58X8tevCQ

Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: After an exhaustive search, X AE A-XII, Elon's 2 year old son, will be the new CEO of Twitter. --Roxanne Roberts Wait Wait Don't Tell Me 12/24/22

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. --Albert Einstein

My friend George stood all day at the window watching the construction street next door. He needed a crane for his life list. / The sparrows used to put crow-tons on their salads.

..........Well, it's alright, if you live the life you please.........Traveling Wilburys with Jeff Lynne …..End Of The Line

^^^ The thirties and forties were a period of significant advancement in the atmospheric sciences, and the AMS made a substantial impact through the publication of fundamental contributions to science in the Bulletin, the production of books and monographs, and the organization of specialized meetings.

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I still don't know what I'm wearing to the living room for New Year's Eve. I might not even go. --Submitted by RHOZ

Weird Word of the Week: Limnophilous (lim-NOF-uh-luhs) – fond of or living in inland bodies of water such as lakes, pools, etc. https://mail.yahoo.com/d/folders/1/messages/84455

Dragon of the Week: Dragon on the wall of the Town Hall in Munich, Germany.

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Mousse your hair. A small dab of Barbasol shaving cream combed through your hair will keep it in place. If you use a blow dryer with shaving cream in your hair, you can make your hair stand on end. https://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/barbasol.html

Birds invest their money in the stork market. / Birds never review for tests. They just wing it.

...........'Cause I've made your reservation.........The Monkees (with Michael Nesmith & Davy Jones) …..Last Train To Clarksville

^^^^ The AMS administers two professional certification programs, the Certified Broadcast Meteorologist (CBM) and Certified Consulting Meteorologist (CCM) programs, and also offers an array of undergraduate scholarships and graduate fellowships to support students pursuing careers in the atmospheric and related oceanic and hydrologic sciences.

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: A new study shows that the most expensive vehicle to operate is a grocery cart.

Brief Movie Review of the Week: During the pandemic, my movie crush, Viggo Mortensen, wrote and directed a movie based on his relationship with his dad who had Alsheimer's. Jeff found a wonderful movie streaming service called Kanopy which is free if you have a library card, which, of course, I do. So I finally got to see Falling. I discovered that he also wrote the music too. Well, it's as depressing as all get out. The father in the movie was an asshole before he got old and grandpa Bray wasn't - so there wasn't much I could relate to.

Answer to Puzzle of the Week: Yellow Pages --> Yelp

Birds fly south in the winter because it's too far to walk. / Oliver Owl writes Hoo-dunnits. / That murder of crows stick so close together we call them velcrow.

..........And I'll never forget this night in the rain.........Del Shannon …..Two Silhouettes

^^^^^ The American Meteorological Society has more than 13,000 individual members in nearly 100 countries. Membership is an array of membership categories that accommodate a wide range of people including students, teachers, corporations and weather enthusiasts.

My Own Writing of the Week: Three's a match: I never liked maison a trois with two men. They were either afraid - somewhere deep in their souls - to touch each other lest "gay" somehow break out on them like chicken pox. Then it wasn't a threesome at all. It was just one woman and two demanding jerks. Or they were so glad to have an excuse to touch each other without actually having to “be” gay that I became superfluous.

But I do remember a long, wonderful weekend in the mountains of Arkansas with my dear friend and her dear friend and a can of Reddi-whip®. He'd built the house himself and it had windows pointing every direction that showed deciduous trees wet with the fall rain. Their autumn leaves gave the air a yellow glow. I don't remember much about him, but I remember her -- in Technicolor, long brown hair, and a smile the size of Rhode Island. She was a little bitty woman with two big sons. And the feistiest woman I ever knew.

From: Always Surrender by Christine Smith

Update of the Week: I was sick again this week. This time with intestinal troubles – both directions...all liquid. No one else in the house got it, so it wasn't contagious. The online doctor said that diarrhea usually lasts a day or two. So when it was still a problem on the morning of the third day, I bought el cheapo Imodium and it hasn't been a problem since.

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: If we found out reincarnation was real and had a way to verifiably track who a reincarnated person was in a previous life, how long would it take for companies to make sure you inherited debt from your previous lives. --Zullie --Submitted by MMS

Today's Peace of History:,December 30, 1901: The worst year in the 20th century for lynching in the U.S. ended with a total of 130 victims (105 blacks, 25 whites). Ida Wells-Barnett had been a teacher and newspaper editor in Memphis, Tennessee, where she wrote against the evils of lynching in her columns in The Free Speech and Headlight. Forced from the South by threat of violence, she continued her efforts in Chicago.

What's black and white and black and white and black and white? A penguin falling down the stairs. / Baby birds love to play peckaboo.

..........That keeps you in the back roads by the rivers of my memory.........John Hartford …..Gentle On My Mind

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle December 30, 2022, Feathered ePistle ~~This ePistle doesn't count. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith, Lawrence, KS

Moonbeam: I think serial monogamy says it all. --Tracey Ullman

Cost of War:

As of 12/29/22 State Department War Costs since 2001: $196,138,981,916.

• As of 12/22/22 State Department War Costs since 2001: $195,580,972,168.
• As of 12/29/22 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,106,940,052,104.
• As of 12/22/22 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,105,381,439,265.
• As of 12/29/22 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,124,754,566,619.
• As of 12/22/22 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,124,148,395,092.
• As of 12/29/22 Veterans Care since 2001: $2,816,153,444,512.
• As of 12/22/22 Veterans Care since 2001: $2,804,337,670,422.
• As of 12/29/22 Military Costs since 2001: $3,000,140,196,870.
• As of 12/22/22 Military Costs since 2001: $2,998,956,539,907.
• As of 12/29/22 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $8,244,135,713,548.
• As of 12/22/22 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $8,228,407,179,197.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them. --Albert Einstein

Famous Last Words: All thine. --Chorus Kiss Me Kate

..........Let me hear the choir sing.........Bo Diddley …..Pretty Thing

That bird, the one that's always out of breath, is a puffin. / Why wouldn't the rooster cross the road? Because he was a chicken.

May Peace preen you feathers

And Joy jubilate your voice

prairie mama

christine

Last Laugh:

Scented ePistle

 Famous First Words: Happy Festivus...for the rest of us !

Today, worldwide, there are many, many solstice celebrations that run for 3 to 12 days. Almost all of them involve candles. If you're going to make candle jokes, you need to be wick on your feet. / Puck got a scented candle for Christmas. It smells like a dead squirrel.

..........As the goat sails through the night sea.........PTKBO …..Io, Saturnalia

May you find peace in the promise of the solstice night, that each day forward is blessed with more light.

It is a frigid Friday (-4°F) with a wind chill of minus 23. The sky is devoid of clouds and the new rising sun makes the roof snow shine. The willow trees are relatively calm, but gusts of up to 16 mph make the branches dance and the wind chill drop so low. There are no birds at the feeder or in the air yet this morning. They must be waiting for it to warm up a bit before the venture out of what we hope are warm nests. The main streets are relatively clear and we could make it to the grocery without fear of sliding. I have a doctored cup of Nuttin' But Kisses decaf and a doctored biscuit for breakfast. The chocolatey steam from my cup brings warmth and cheer to my nose and my heart. So I play Jethro Tull singing Another Christmas Song and sit down to write to you; it's another reason to feel warm in a season of cold. Whatever your holiday, may it be merry and bright, ePistliers, and warm.

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Maybe I should've been giving all the naughty kids solar panels instead of coal. --Santa testifying before the Climate Change Committee --Submitted by ff of ks

I want a party candle that will burn for 2 hours smelling like Champaign and then change to a Time For The Guest To Leave scent. / One of the most stressful things about being a baby dragon is trying to blow out the candles on your birthday cake.

..........that showed me time outside my understanding.........Eliza McLamb ….Winter Solstice

Trivia Questions: Happy Birthday to the Metric Conversion Act !

• ^ Which president signed the bill into existence?
• ^^ What was the bill supposed to accomplish?
• ^^^ How were the tenets of the bill to be established?
• ^^^^ Which president abolished the Metrication process?
• ^^^^^ Which president tried to re-establish the spirit of the bill?

Big Hello: Kablaaw – Iloko (Philippines) https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Dear Jesus: For Christmas this year I'd like to try following your teachings without having your followers call me a socialist. --John Fugelsang --Submitted by 98%

Image of the Week: The new “grand boat” i,e. Tom and Kirsten's I don't know its name.

~~I believe the original lyrics were “been for a sail on a boat with no name...”

Fake Library Statistics of the Week: 20% of a librarian's Christmas spirit is gin. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

I searched eBay for something to light my candles. It said “no matches found”. / Neither a red candle nor a green candle burn longer. They both burn shorter.

..........Your tears are as pure as spring water.........Hamed Mahzarnia …..Shab E Yalda

Moonbeam: The low-lying mountains sleep at the edge of the world. The forests cover them like mantles. --Harriet Monroe

Meditation of the Week: Can you imagine a googolplex?

Puzzle of the Week: From listener Warren Bergmann, of Neenah, Wis. Many people carry _____ (4-letter word) in a _____ (5-letter word) to make _____ (9-letter word). You can rearrange the letters of the first two words (the 4- and 5-letter ones) to get the last word (the 9-letter one). What words are these?

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Actual Saturnalia Joke from the 5^th Century: Hereupon Evangelus said, “Servilius Geminus happened to be dining at the home of Lucius Mallius, then considered the best painter in Rome, when he saw Mallius' two ugly sons: “You don't make children,” he said, “the way you make pictures.” “That,” said Maiilus, “is because I make children in the dark, pictures in the light.”

Too many candles these days are quitting their jobs due to burn out. / I hear candles are always delighted to be put out.

..........The fairgrounds buzzing; it's a great show..........Mahanadhi ….......Pongal

^ The Metric Conversion Act of 1975 is an Act of Congress that President Gerald Ford signed into law on December 23, 1975

Almanac: It is Friday, December 23, 2022. Christmas Eve Eve! The moon is new today and is in Capricorn. It is National Pfeffernusse Day, National Roots Day, Festivus, and Human Light Celebration. In Egypt it is Victory Day.

Among those born on this day were Pieter Bockenberg (1548), Richard Arkwright (1732), Aleksandr Romanov (1777), Jean-Francois Champollion (1790), Joseph Smith Jr (1805), Thomas Malthus (1834), Harriet Monroe (1860), Don McNeill (1907), Helmut Schmidt (1918), Jose Greco (1918), Leonard Stern (1923), Robert Bly (1926), Karol Bobko (1937), Tim Hardin (1941), Harry Shearer (1943), Ronald Bushy (1945), Susan Lucci (1949), Eddie Vedder and Slash (1965), and Corey Haim (1971).

On December twenty-third the Peace of Arras was signed (1482), the Continental Congress took out a loan from France for $181,500 to finance the war (1776), Benedict Arnold was court-martialed (1779), Maryland voted to cede land for the District of Columbia (1788), A Visit from St Nicholas was published (1823), Turkey proclaimed its constitution (1876), van Gogh cut off his left ear (1888), L'apres-midi d'un faune premiered (1894), the first Keystone Kops film was released (1912), the Federal Reserve Act was sign into law (1913), BBC Radio began daily newscasts (1922), NBC set up coast-to-coast radio network (1928), Castro offered to trade 1,113 prisoners of the Bay of Pigs Invasion for $62 million worth of food and medical supplies (1961), Borman, Lovell, and Anders orbit the moon (1968), The Young and the Restless debuted (1973), Congress passed the Metric Conversion Act (1975), and Squeaky Fromme escaped from Alderson Prison (1987).

Night Sky, 12/23: Above Orion shines orange Aldebaran with the large, loose Hyades cluster in its background. Binoculars are the ideal instrument for this cluster given its size: its brightest stars (4th and 5th magnitude) span an area about 4° wide. (Fainter ones extend much farther.) Higher above, the Pleiades are only a little more than 1° across counting just the brightest stars. The main Hyades stars famously form a V. It's currently lying on its side, open to the left. Aldebaran forms the lower of the V's two tips. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Fraternal Picture of the Week: Christmas Dreamlike Image with reindeer

This Week: Saturday, December 24 – Eggnog Day & Christmas Eve

Sunday, December 25 – A'Phabet Day or No “L” Day & Christmas & Christmas Pudding Day

Night Sky, 12/25: Starting 20 minutes after sunset, use binoculars to look low above the southwest horizon for Venus. Once you get it, watch for Mercury 4° to its upper right (well less than a binocular field width), and a very thin fingernail clipping of a crescent Moon a similar distance to Mercury's lower right. The Moon is very new when seen from the longitudes of the Americas. Can you see the earthshine on the Moon's dark portion?

Monday, December 26 – Boxing Day & National Candy Cane Day & Thank-you Note Day

Tuesday, December 27 – Howdy Doody Day & Visit the Zoo Day

Wednesday, December 28 – Endangered Species Act Day & Pledge of Allegiance Day

Night Sky, : Jupiter blazes white high in the south in twilight, then sinks toward the southwest. At magnitude –2.5 it vastly outshines the background stars of dim Pisces. Look for the Great Square of Pegasus above it as the stars come out, and upper right of Jupiter as the evening advances.

Thursday, December 29 – Tick Tock Day & YMCA Day (the organization not the song)

A sexy candle is called a scandle. / How many Saturnalia Celebrators does it take to change a light bulb? None, those guys use candles.

..........Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able.........Dar Williams …..The Christians and the Pagans

^^ The act declared the metric system "the preferred system of weights and measures for United States trade and commerce", but permitted the use of US customary units in all activities.

Preantepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I think the new richest person should be required to buy Twitter now and this cycle should continue until none of them are rich anymore. --Elliot Downing --Submitted by 98%

Moonbeam: To be wild is not to be crazy or psychotic. True wildness is a love of nature, a delight in silence, a voice free to say spontaneous things, and an exuberant curiosity in the face of the unknown. --Robert Bly

Audio of the Week: Did Jesus Have A Baby Sister by Dory Previn ~~Did she whisper saviorette?

Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: It's COVID plus Flu plus a disease called RSV. It's the triple demic...tri demic. It sounds scary doesn't it, but it's very convenient, isn't it. We were so close to having to go home and visit our families for Christmas. --Tom Papa Wait Wait Don't Tell Me 12/17/22

With the turning of the wheel of time, let us keep our patience and rejoice in the winter solstice.

The Dad Jokes Candle smells like the groans of children. / If you have that candle, you should burn it. Otherwise it makes no scents.

..........You and I are caught in a fading light.........Howie Day …..Longest Night

^^^ The Act also established the United States Metric Board with representatives from scientific, technical, and educational institutions, as well as state and local governments to plan, coordinate, and educate the US people for the Metrication of the United States.

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Stop making fun of older kids who still believe in Santa Clause, there are grown men who still believe in trickle down economics. --Submitted by ff of ks

Weird Word of the Week: Tergiversate – wriggling and being evasive, trying to avoid giving a straight answer to a straight question http://www.worldwidewords.org/weirdwords/ww-ter1.htm

Dragon of the Week:

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Make pots and pans easy to clean. Before placing pots or pans on the barbecue grill, coat the bottom of the cookware with Barbasol shaving cream. When you finish grilling, the block soot will wash off the bottom of the pan with ease. https://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/barbasol.html

Our friendship is like this candle. If you forget me, I'll burn your house down. / When the last of your scented candle runs out, it's time for high-burn-na-shun.

...........Tonight while the moon is bright.........Louis Armstrong …..Cool Yule

^^^^ The Metric Board was abolished in 1982 by President Ronald Reagan.

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: 1876: Willie Nelson releases “Mamas don't' let your babies (Grow up to be cowboys)”. 1996 (literally 18 years later): Paula Cole releases “Where have all the cowboys gone?” Amazing the patterns you start to recognize when you learn the history they refuse to teach you in school. --Submitted by ks of ks

Science Fiction Convention of the Week: I could not find a science fiction convention this weekend. Why was Megatron not invited to the Republican convention?: Because Megatron was a trans-former.

Actual Science Conference of the Week: I could not find a technology conference this weekend. The JavaScript developer was sad because she did not Node how to Express herself.

Answer to Puzzle of the Week: Cash + Purse → Purchases

Everybody talks about how wonderful scented candles are but I'm pretty sure they're wicked. / When I stumbled on the rug, my purse flew out of my hand and knocked over the Christmas candle display. It was a waxident.

..........The holly wears a blossom as white as any flower.........Loreena McKennitt …..The Holly and the Ivy

^^^^^ Executive Order 12770, signed by President George H W Bush on July 25, 1991, citing the Metric Conversion Act, directed departments and agencies within the executive branch of the US Government to "take all appropriate measures within their authority" to use the metric system "as the preferred system of weights and measures for United States trade and commerce" and authorized the Secretary of Commerce "to charter an Interagency Council on Metric Policy ('ICMP'), which will assist the Secretary in coordinating Federal Government-wide implementation of this order."

Second Extra Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Prosthetic leg for sale. Would make excellent Christmas stocking filler. --Punny Pete --Submitted by sb of ar

My Own Writing of the Week: When I was 60 years old, I appeared in the Lawrence Kansas Anarchists Exposed Calendar (2004) in the nude. I was old and fat and it was so much fun. I wore only an Uncle Sam Hat. Bruce appeared also on a different page in a wizard hat. I bought 10 copies and gave them away as Christmas presents. I sent one to my daughter's family but my grandchildren refused to look at it. I sent copies to a few old boyfriends and even to one who was still in the queue. I was the oldest nude in the calendar. --My only Christmas piece

Quote of the Week: F**k the voting. Get right to the violence. --Roger Stone

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: None of the presents under the tree have neighed yet, so that's kind of disappointing.

Today's Peace of History, December 23, 1943: A 135-day strike by 23 conscientious objectors (COs) ended dining hall segregation at Danbury Federal Penitentiary in Connecticut. The number of conscientious objectors had increased from 15 in early 1941 to 200 by the time of the strike.

The candle factory in the neighborhood only made a few scents and was, therefore, never profitable. / There was a big fire in the Aroma Therapy Clinic, but things are much calmer now.

..........And I find it hard to explain.........Phoenix …..Winter Solstice

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle December 23, 2022, Scented ePistle. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Christine Smith, Exclusive Editor Lawrence, KS

Moonbeam: If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure? --Harry Shearer

Cost of War:

• As of 12/22/22 State Department War Costs since 2001: $195,580,972,168.
• As of 12/16/22 State Department War Costs since 2001: $195,033,808,489.
• As of 12/22/22 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,105,381,439,265.
• As of 12/16/22 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,103,853,171,352.
• As of 12/22/22 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,124,148,395,092.
• As of 12/16/22 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,123,553,932,213.
• As of 12/22/22 Veterans Care since 2001: $2,804,337,670,422.
• As of 12/16/22 Veterans Care since 2001: $2,792,751,051,326.
• As of 12/22/22 Military Costs since 2001: $2,998,956,539,907.
• As of 12/16/22 Military Costs since 2001: $2,997,796,117,289.
• As of 12/22/22 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $8,228,407,179,197.
• As of 12/16/22 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $8,212,991,023,476.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

May the long nights make the light sweeter.

Famous Last Words: ...and to all a good night. --Clements A Visit From St Nicholas.

..........When all your demons die.........Marilyn Manson …..Saturnalia

If you decorate with a lot of small candles, you can make the place look tea-rightful. / Are the people who live in Candleville called Candlites?

May Peace define your season

And Joy define your life

prairie mama

christine

Last Laugh: