Twelve Pack ePistle

 Famous First Words: We don't need no education --Roger (Syd) Barrett of Pink Floyd Another Brick In The Wall

It's Twelfth Night and here are at least a dozen jokes and puns. / I went to a beekeeper to get a dozen bees. When he gave me the bag, there were 13. So I said, “Oops, you gave me an extra.” He said, “, that's a free bee”. / I bought a used end table from a mathematician. The next morning there were a dozen of them. Turns out it was a multiplication table.

..........Is it worth the waiting for.........Chorus …..Food Glorious Food

No work or love will flourish out of guilt, fear, or hollowness of heart, just as no valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now. --Alan Watts

It is a cold (22°F) Friday morning. There is no wind at all and even the willow branches hang still and shine a golden green in the rising sun. No motion draws the eye – neither bird nor squirrel grace the tree limbs. A few puffy clouds float in short streams across the pale blue sky. Only the ragged sound of a buzz saw or, more likely, a leaf blower breaks the silence and explains why no birds are about. The house smells of brewing coffee and I sip creamy, sweet chocolate hazelnut. Puck is taking his early morning nap on his pillow facing the open bedroom door – in case of a cat invasion – which he enjoys but pretends is annoying. Veronica is in the kitchen practicing “cabinet captivity”. It's a game in which she lets herself into one of the lower kitchen cabinets – the one with pans in it – and then nudges the door so that it flaps and makes smacking noises as if she is trapped, which she is not. I think she must be getting in shape for the local tournament, as the number of hours of door flapping has gone up in recent days. Once we all figured out that she can get out if she wants to, we've learned to ignore it. All in all...a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

Hope your weekend takes the cake, ePistliers.

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: You don't grow out of legos, you just graduate to Ikea. --Henpecked Hal --Submitted by INRITH

The baker threw a dozen lemons into the bread because she wanted to make sourdough. / What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters, and occasionally has twelve letters? The mailbox

..........Pounce him, trounce him, pick him up and bounce him.........Widow Corney …..Oliver

Trivia Questions: Happy National Bacon Day!

• ^ From what part of the pig is bacon taken?
• ^^ In the US what percentage of bacon is consumed at breakfast?
• ^^^ How many pounds of bacon are produced each year in the US?
• ^^^^ How much bacon does each American consume each year?
• ^^^^^ Where does the expression “bring home the bacon” come from?

Big Hello: Apa kabar – Indonesian https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm ~~Also acceptable Hi

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: 2022 is over and I think I speak for most of us when I say, “WHAT the hell was THAT?” --M W Facets --Submitted by jm or ks

Image of the Week: 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 time loser = Kevin McCarthy

Fake Library Statistics of the Week: 1 in 10 book club ladies uses a cane hiding a sword. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

I just had a dozen crows land in my backyard. I'm getting really tired of the Corvid Pandemic. / I drink a lot of alcohol. A LOT. So I'm doing twelve steps. I moved to an apartment within walking distance of my local pub.

..........If I ask you can I kiss you.........Mr Bumble …..I Shall Scream

Moonbeam: I have gazed on the face of Agamemnon. --Heinrich Schliemann

Meditation of the Week: What is art for? --Aristotle

Puzzle of the Week: Name a prominent geographical location in the United States. Change the fifth letter to an S. The resulting string of letters from left to right will name a game, a mountaintop, and a popular website. What place is it?

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: The 5 second rule for food dropped on the flower doesn't work if you have a 2 second dog. --Submitted by PsyDe

I submitted nearly a dozen entries into the Dad Joke Contest. I was hoping for a win, unfortunately, no pun in ten did. / A nose can't be twelve inches long because then it would be a foot.

..........Is it underneath the willow tree.........Oliver …..Where Is Love

^ American bacon is made from the pork belly, which accounts for its trademark streaks of fat. European and Canadian bacon are still made from the back meat of a pig, which is considerably leaner.

Almanac: It is Friday, January 6, 2023. The moon is full (Wolf) today and is in Cancer. It is National Bean Day, National Cuddle Up Day, National Shortbread Day, National Technology Day, and Three Kings Day aka Epiphany aka Twelfth Night.

Among those born on this day were Richard II (1367), Joan of Arc (1412), Francois de la Croix (1683), Jacques-Etienne Montgolfier (1745), Kaspar Masek (1794), Ludwig Erk (1807), Heinrich Schliemann (1822), Sherlock Holmes (1854), Georges Witkowski (1867), Carl Sandburg (1878), Tom Mix (1880), Sam Rayburn (1882), Khalil Gibran (1883), Loretta Young (1913), Alan Watts (1915), Earl Scruggs (1924), EL Doctorow (1931), Doris Troy (1937), Bonnie Franklin (1944), Pepe LePew (1945), Roger Barrett (Pink Floyd, 1946), Kim Wilson (1951), and Rowan Atkinson (1955).

On December sixth Harald was crowned king of England (1066), Pizarro founded Lima, Peru (1535), Henry VIII married Anne of Cleves (his 4th, 1540), Washington married Martha (1759), Congress began investigating Credit Mobilier (1873), New Mexico was admitted to the union (1912), Merrill Lynch was founded (1914), US marines invaded Nicaragua (1927), FDR gave his 4 freedoms speech (Speech, Worship, from want and from fear, 1941), Britain recognized the Chinese government (1950), Gibson patented the Flying V Guitar (1958), and the last Milton Berle Show aired (1967).

Night Sky, 1/6: Full Moon (6:08 pm EST) The Moon rises in the east-northeast just before sunset. After nightfall you can see that it shines between the hearts of the Gemini stick figures, if you use binoculars to help piece out the constellation through the moonlight. The Moon forms a nice, almost isosceles triangle with brighter Castor and Pollux, Gemini's head stars, to its left. Watch this triangle change shape through the night as the Moon moves eastward along its orbit. The Moon moves against the stars by about its own diameter every hour. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Fraternal Picture of the Week: The boys and their Snow-friend

Extra Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: They say with age comes wisdom, therefore, I don't have wrinkles, I have wise cracks. --Submitted by PsyDe

This Week: Saturday, January 7 – National Play Outside Day & Old Rock Day & Harlem Globetrotters' Day

Sunday, January 8 – Midwife's Day aka Women's Day & War On Poverty Day & Bubble Bath Day

Night Sky, 1/8: After dinnertime, the enormous Andromeda-Pegasus complex runs from near the zenith down toward the western horizon. Near the zenith, spot Andromeda's high foot: 2nd-magnitude Gamma Andromedae (Almach), slightly orange. Andromeda is standing on her head. Almost halfway down from the zenith to the west horizon is the Great Square of Pegasus, balancing on one corner. Andromeda's head is its top corner. From the bottom corner run the stars outlining Pegasus's neck and head, ending at his nose: 2nd-magnitude Enif, due west. It too is slightly orange.

Monday, January 9 – National Clean Off Your Desk Day & Plough Monday

Tuesday, January 10 – Houseplant Appreciation Day & National Poetry at Work Day

Wednesday, January 11 – Learn You Name in Morse Code Day & National Human Trafficking Awareness Day

Night Sky, 1/11: Neptune at the Aquarius-Pisces border about 8° west of Jupiter, gets lower through the evening ahead of Jupiter. It's just 2.3 arcseconds wide, again non-stellar in a telescope but requiring more effort than Uranus. It's slightly bluish gray, if you have enough aperture to show color at all in something this faint.

Thursday, January 12 – Kiss A Ginger Day & National Hot Tea Day

The programmer's partner is sent to the store with the instructions: Get a gallon of milk and If they have eggs, get a dozen. The lady came home with 12 gallons of milk and said. “They had eggs.”/ The police department described the scene of the man who was shot twelve times by the police as the most horrific suicide scenario they'd ever seen.

..........He's going cheap. Only seven guineas.........Mr Bumble …..Boy For Sale

^^ 70% of all bacon in the US is eaten at breakfast time.

Preantepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I hope my neighbor's New Year's resolution is to throw out the pumpkin on their porch. --Simon Holland --Submitted by INRITH

Moonbeam: Nothing happens unless first we dream --Carl Sandburg

Video of the Week: Give Me One Dozen Roses (Harry James Orchestra with Jimmy Saunders 1:59) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPTH4TmBh2Y

Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: The man was earning about 250 grand a year for writing software, and was reportedly the best developer at the firm, when in fact he was paying a guy in China to do his work, while - and this is true - he watched cat videos and shopped online all day. The firm condemned the man's actions in an official statement signed by the CEO and written by an intern. --Peter Sagal Wait Wait Don't Tell Me 1/26/2013

But I'll tell you what hermits realize. If you go off into a far, far forest and get very quiet, you'll come to understand that you're connected with everything. --Alan Watts

A scientist walks into a lab to pick up a dozen beakers. The lab clerk hands him 13. The scientist says, “I only need a dozen.” The lab clerk answers, “Sorry, I thought you wanted a beaker's dozen.” / Jesus and the twelve disciples walk into a bar. “Thirteen large glasses of water, please, says Jesus to the bartender, dropping Peter a wink.

..........Who can tell where danger's lurking.........Fagin …..Be Back Soon

^^^ More than 2 billion pounds of bacon is produced each year in the US.

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: My neighbors with the fireworks would like to wish everyone a happy 8:42 pm. --Simon Holland --Submitted by INRITH

Weird Word of the Week: Urtication – flogging with nettles ?Erotic stimulation or folk remedy for several ailments?? http://www.worldwidewords.org/weirdwords/ww-urt1.htm

Dragon of the Week: From the Donate Life float in the Rose Parade 2023.

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Remove jellyfish tentacles from skin. If you have difficulty removing jellyfish tentacles from your skin, apply a dab of barbasol shaving cream, then scrape out the tentacles. https://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/barbasol.html

As Weird Will said while walking out of Dunkin Donuts with a dozen glazed, “Good Buy!” / After twelve years of psychoanalysis, my psychiatrists said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo Ingles”.

...........I'll go anywhere for your smile.........Dodger …..I'll Do Anything

^^^^ The average American consumes 18 pounds of bacon per year.

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Just finished reading “100 Things to do Before You Die” … I was quite surprised to see that “shout for help” wasn't there. --Submitted by INRITH

Science Fiction Convention of the Week: FanExpo New Orleans (1/6-8, New Orleans) Experience the ultimate playground for Comics, Sci-Fi, Horror, Anime, and Gaming. https://fanexpohq.com/fanexponeworleans/

Actual Science Conference of the Week: Spark Engagement with Adobe Creative Cloud (1/6, University of Michigan) ...provides participants with student engagement strategies alongside an introduction to an easy-to-use graphics tool called Adobe Creative Cloud Express. https://events.umich.edu/event/101750

Answer to Puzzle of the Week: Chesapeake Bay (chess + peak + eBay)

I was going to tell the story about the farmer selling 24 dozen eggs, but it's two gross. / After hearing me sing, my music teacher said I should be tenor twelve feet away from all musical instruments.

..........Tho' it ain't all jolly old pleasure outings.........Nancy …..It's A Fine Life

^^^^^ The phrase “bringing home the bacon” originated back in the 12th century when a church in England offered a side of bacon to any man who could swear before the church that he had not fought or quarreled with his wife for a year and a day. Any man who could “bring home the bacon” was highly respected in his community.

My Own Writing of the Week: My favorite maison a trois was the time I had three lovers during the same time period. One of them, an Apollo, lived way out of town and only showed up for a week or so at times spread far apart. Easy peasy. The Pooh lived in the next town or so over and we saw each other on weekends. The Welder lived in KC where I lived at the time and we saw each other a couple of nights a week. During this period I got a couple of promotions at work and eventually moved over to tech writing which became my all time favorite job. I also wrote more stories and poems than at any other time of my life. It was a good life, indeed.

The Welder - a wild redhead - moved to California where he welded floats for the Rose Parade. He was the friendliest of my lovers and I feel that if we ran into each other today, after 30+ years, it would be as if no time had passed. Pooh got his PhD and moved to the midwest which is way east of here. The Apollo is currently living in Thailand.

From Always Surrender by Christine Smith

Quote of the Week: Competition is the law of the jungle, cooperation is the law of civilization. --Peter Kropotkin

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I was up at midnight on New Year's Eve; I had to pee. --Submitted by INRITH

Today's Peace of History, January 6, 1832: The New England Anti-Slavery Society was founded at the African Meeting House in Boston.

I needed a dozen copies for my presentation so I set 12 as the number of copies in Word and on the printer itself. I now have 144 copies. / If you don't know the difference between twelve year old scotch and baby formula, you're not babysitting my children.

..........tee-ruppa-tuppa-ruppa-tum-tum.........Fagin …..You've Got To Pick A Pocket Or Two

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle January 6, 2023, 12-Pack ePistle. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. Lawrence, KS.

Moonbeam: Writing in a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. – E L Doctorow

Cost of War:

• As of 01/05/23 State Department War Costs since 2001: $196.673.120.864.
• As of 12/29/29 State Department War Costs since 2001: $195,580,972,168.
• As of 01/05/23 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,108,431,946,226.
• As of 12/29/29 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,105,381,439,265.
• As of 01/05/23 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,125,334,491,876.
• As of 12/29/29 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,124,754,566,619.
• As of 01/05/23 Veterans Care since 2001: $2,827,460,422,610.
• As of 12/29/29 Veterans Care since 2001: $2,816,153,444,512.
• As of 01/05/23 Military Costs since 2001: $3,001,272,821,227.
• As of 12/29/29 Military Costs since 2001: $3,000,140,196,870.
• As of 01/05/23 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $8,259,178,899,397.
• As of 12/29/29 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $8,244,135,713,548.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

Reality is only a Rorschach ink-blot, you know. --Alan Watts

Famous Last Words: To that high concept there can be no end save victory. --FDR 4 Freedoms Speech

..........Consider yourself well in..........Dodger …..Consider Yourself ~~Today's songs are from Oliver which premiered at the Imperial Theater 1/6/63

I do have a dozen egg jokes that'll crack you up. / I was offered #3.50 for a dozen chickens; but I couldn't see buying them for such a poultry sum.

May Peace keep your rhythm

And Joy carry your melody

prairie mama

christine

Last Laugh: