the Steinway ePistle

Famous First Words: Professor Tigwiggel becoming alarmed at the frequency and audacity of burglaries...Prof. Tigwiggel's Burglar Alarm --Livingston Hopkins The first comic strip ever published in a newspaper

September is National Piano Month: Do you remember Dracula Borge? He used to torture his victims with his piano until they begged for death. His Bach was worse than his bite. / Pianist Patty texted her husband: Gone :Chopin, Have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet

..........and the waitress is practicing politics.........Billy Joel …..Piano Man

In a gentle way, you can shake the world. --Mahatma Gandhi

It is a cool (57°F), damp Friday morning. Bruno is huddling under his deck and Puck remains indoors. There is no sun penetrating the thick layer of gray clouds. No breeze moves the willow branches or the bushes and foliage shiny with drops of last night's rain. A stillness reigns. Even the birds are silent and hidden. Sigh

It's already started so... I intend to spend this day forgiving. I forgive the men who stole the planes and used them to kill people. I forgive the bosses who told them to do it. I forgive Bush & Rice who refused to prevent it. I forgive the American greed and hate that drove them to it. I forgive those who use that tragedy to normalize hate and fear, to lock children in cages, and shoot innocent men in the back seven times. I forgive myself for being unable to not feel the hate and fear and insecurity around me. Peace, epistliers

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I keep thinking I wouldn't mind the cooler weather to kick in but I don't want to get too enthusiastic about it because I am 100% sure this is the year we will get flammable snow. --Matthew Phillion # Submitted by INRITH

Pianist Peter's fingers were like lightning, they rarely struck the same place twice. / What happens when you play Beethoven backwards? He decomposes.

..........We're sittin' at an upright, my sweetie and me.........The Andrew Sisters …..The Old Piano Roll Blues

Trivia Questions: Happy Banana Day !

^ About how many bananas does it take to add up to one pound?

^^ How many bananas made a “hand”?

^^^ Banana plants are the planet's largest plant without what biological support?

^^^^ Where are bananas grown commercially?

^^^^^ What three nutrition no-nos do bananas lack?

Big Hello: Barev – Armenian (eastern) https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is not an appropriate response. Who knew? --Submitted by #RHOZ

Fake Library Statistic of the Week: Library service desks average 3 drawers of nothing but “Out of Order” signs. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

Exactly how is an 11-foot concert Steinway grand better than a well tuned studio upright? It makes a much bigger boom when pushed off a cliff. / Old pianists never die, they just adagio away.

..........Now my Mama don't allow no piano playin' in here.........Smiley Burnette …..Mama Don't Allow

Moonbeam: A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. --O Henry

Naturally Occurring Mandala of the Week: Sapphire – September birthstone

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I've never played the bagpipes, but I have carried a screaming, three year old over my shoulder. --Submitted by INRITH

Week of the Week: National Waffle Week (6-12) --Waffle House...because the poor decisions you made the night before weren't enough. / A waffle with a split personality has an alter eggo.

The piano has been drinking, not me. --Tom Waits / To climb to the top of a tall piano, you must scale it. / I love piano players; they can do magic things with their fingers.

..........An' who tickles ivories like nobody livin'.........Manhattan Transfer …..King Porter

^ 3 medium size bananas weigh approximately 1 pound.

Almanac: It is Friday, September 11, 2020. The moon was last quarter yesterday and is in Cancer. It is Libraries Remember Day, National Day of Service and Remembrance, Patriot Day, Remember Freedom Day and Stand Up to Cancer Day. In Ethiopia it is New Year's Day and in Pakistan it is Jinnah Day (1948). Because it is the second Friday, it is also Banana Day.

Among those born on this day were O Henry (1862), James Jeans (1877), D H Lawrence (1885), Mohandas Gandhi (1906), Bear Bryant (1913), Ferdinand Marcos (1917), Tom Landry (1924), Earl Holliman (1928), Lola Falana (1939), Brian DePalma (1940), Leo Kottke (1945), and Virginia Madsen (1961).

On September eleventh Alexander Hamilton was appointed Secretary of the Treasurer (1789), Jenny Lind gave her first US concert (1850), the first newspaper cartoon strip was published (1875), the Bronx Gas & Electric Company opened (1893), the US invaded Honduras (1919), Britain took over rule of Palestine (1922), and Boulder Dam (now known as Hoover Dam) was dedicated (1936).

Night Sky, 9/11: Vega now passes the zenith an hour after sunset during late twilight, for those of us at mid-northern latitudes. Vega is bigger, hotter, and 50 times brighter than our Sun. But at a distance of 25 light-years, it's 1.6 million times farther away. The Sun is only 8.3 light-minutes from us. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Max Picture of the Week: Max Chill, Joe Cool's cousin

This Week: Saturday, September 12 – Prairie Day & Video Games Day & Wicket World of Croquet Day

Sunday, September 13 -Grandparent's Day & National Peanut Day & Scooby-Doo Day

Night Sky, 9/13: By 9 or 10 pm two of the best-known deep-sky objects, the Double Cluster in Perseus and the Great Andromeda Galaxy M31, are in high view in the east. Did you know they're only 22° apart? They're both cataloged as 4th magnitude but to the naked eye they look rather different, the more so the darker your sky.

Monday, September 14 – National Sober Day & National Kreme Filled Donut Day

Tuesday, September 15 – Greenpeace Day & International Dot Day & National On-Line Learning Day

Wednesday, September 16 – Mayflower Day & Ozone Layer Day & National Guacamole Day

Night Sky, 9/16: The wide W pattern of Cassiopeia is tilting up in the northeast these nights. Look below the W's last segment, the one on the lower left, by a little farther than the segment's length. Can you see an enhanced little spot of the Milky Way's glow here? Binoculars will show it to be the Perseus Double Cluster — even through a fair amount of light pollution.

Thursday, September 17 – Citizenship Day & National PawPaw Day & Time's Up Day

There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. --Bach / Piano is not my forte.

..........We learn to live when we learn to give.........McCartney & Wonder …..Ebony and Ivory

^^ A cluster of bananas is called a hand and consists of 10 to 20 bananas, which are known as fingers.

'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: The devil whispered to all the 2020 teachers, “Your not strong enough to withstand this storm.” And the teachers simply whispered back, “You're”. --Submitted by bu of ks

Moonbeam: God is only a great imaginative experience. --D H Lawrence

Late Night Snacks of the Week: I’m not sure what’s more upsetting: the comments Trump reportedly made or what he’ll do to change the subject: "and that’s why we’re nuking the moon”. --Jimmy Fallon / Everyone’s talking about the 'right' way to protest… If I had a magic wand, I wouldn’t be trying to fix protests. I’d use it to get the police to stop brutalizing Black people. That’s why the protests are happening. --Trevor Noah

Ollie's Very Own Picture of the Week: Ollie, with furrowed brow, and that Rabbit – again...

Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: Finally, a reason to stay alive until next year. The Girl Scouts announced a brand-new French toast-flavored cookie called Toast-Yay! We assume the Girl Scouts said, to make sure our product is unique, let's name it after the one phrase that no one ever has said once. I guess Toast-Boo was too on-the-nose. By the way, for those who don't remember, yay is a word that was used to express joy back in the early 2010s. For those who don't remember what joy is, well, hey, the Girl Scouts have a new cookie. --Peter Sagal Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me 9/5/20

Preantepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week:Cow farts come from the dairy air. --Submitted by #RHOZ

Action expresses priorities. --Mahatma Gandhi

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano. --Bob Hope talking about Phyllis Diller / What does a Steinway? about 800 pounds.

..........No line switch..........EPND …..Funky Piano

^^^ Banana plants are the largest plants on earth without a woody stem. They are actually giant herbs of the same family as lilies, orchids and palms.

Worthless Fact of the Week: The medical name for a butt crack is Intergluteal Cleft.

Wicked Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Treat yourself like I-70 and never stop working on yourself no matter how inconvenient it is for everyone else. --Submitted by ae of mo

Weird Word of the Week: Halfpace - It is a landing, certainly, but not just any landing. It refers to that small landing at the top of a flight of stairs where you have to turn and take another flight of stairs whether going up or down.

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Dogs prepare you for babies. Cats prepare you for teenagers. --Submitted by #RHOZ

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Carry snacks. When traveling, pack snacks in Ziploc Storage bags. http://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/ziploc.html

Piano: A cumbersome piece of furniture found in many homes, where playing it ensures the early departure of unwanted guests. -David W Barber / Gimme' a fifth of Beethoven on the Rachs.

...........But ten all dancing straight in line.........Mary Healy …..Then Happy Fingers

^^^^ Bananas are not grown commercially in the continental United States. They are grown in Latin and South America from countries like Costa Rica, Ecuador, Colombia, Honduras, Panama, and Guatemala.

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: There are two kinds of people in this world...avoid both of them. --Submitted by sb of ar

Science Fiction Joke of the Week: One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. --Robert Heinlein

Actual Science Joke of the Week: Physics is to math what sex is to masturbation. --Richard Feynman

Mild Mannered Curse of the Week: May you see your typo only after yuo hit send.

Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it. --Tom Lehrer / Don't date piano technicians, they just string you along.

..........The never-ending swaying haze..........Panic! At The Disco …..The Piano Knows Something I Don't Know

^^^^^ Bananas have no fat, cholesterol, or sodium.

Month of the Week: September is Library Card Sign Up Month Dear Santa, I want books, computers... and the ability to travel through time and space. - Johnny Dear Johnny, Here's a library card. Santa

Recreating Famous Painting With Anything You Can Find of the Week:

https://www.boredpanda.com/art-recreation-at-home-museum-challenge/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Goodnight moon. Goodnight Zoom. Goodnight sense of impending doom. --Submitted by st of ar

Today's Peace of History, September 11, 2002: Women In Black (WIB) Baltimore started the first Peace Path as a response to 9/11 World Trade Center attacks. The nonviolent action presented images of peace rather than war and militarism as a response to problems.

The piano ain't got no wrong notes. --Thelonious Monk / You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

..........where the gin is cold, but the piano's hot..........Catherine Zeta-Jones …..All That Jazz

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle September 11, 2020, Steinway ePistle. Peace, Pleasantries, and Pianos Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047

Moonbeam: Sadly, I really want to be Batman … and I just never will be. --Virginia Madsen

Cost of War:

As of 9/10/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,060,529,746,704.

As of 9/3/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,058,486,225,047.

As of 9/10/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $989,282,271,371.

As of 9/3/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $987,893,650,623.

As of 9/10/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $793,326,151,778.

As of 9/3/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $791,580,589,783.

As of 9/10/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $335,937,737,580.

As of 9/3/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $335,541,087,917.

As of 9/10/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,179,076,781,668.

As of 9/3/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,173,502,633,519.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

An ounce of practice is worth a thousand words. --Mahatma Gandhi

Famous Last Words: ...I won it in a crap game. --Call of the Wild (the movie, released 9/11/19)

..........Or a high toned baby grand.........Tony DeSare …..I Love a Piano

The piano keys are black and white but they sound like a million colors in your mind. --Maria Cristina Mena / Kyle had been practicing all week when he heard a knock at the door. He opened the door and saw a little man, with a little mustache, standing on his front porch. “Hello!” said the man, “I’m the piano tuner!” “I didn’t send for a piano tuner,” said Kyle. “I know,” said the man, “Your next door neighbors did!”

May Peace play your melody

And Joy cover the harmony

prairie mama

christine

Last Laugh: 

ePistle's Choice

 Famous First Words: I'm glad to welcome you... President Harry S Truman First transcontinental television transmission, 9/4/51

Favorite jokes of funny people: A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. “There are no fish under the ice!” He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!” He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?” “No, this is the rink manager!” —Allison Janney

..........ooh, ooh, ooh, what's left of his world.........Gladys Knight …..Midnight Train to Georgia

Holy, and sacred, Black Rage. Be ever present in our struggle for liberation, in our work to be, to love, to exist. --Byron Tyler Coles

It is a cool (57°F) Friday morning. Azure skies are cloudless and clear. There is no hint of a breeze against the cheek or among the willow branches. The new sun is illuminating the green, green foliage of home. Birds seem happy with the transition to fall and are singing and producing nature's own Angulus prayers. Puck will not go out this morning; I do not know what evil lurks in the yard to cast fear in the heart of a small dog. The entire neighborhood smells of freshly mown grass. We return indoors to a different aroma – brewing coffee...also pleasant. And I get to drink fresh, hot decaf, sweetened and creamed and write to you. Could there be a better way to start a long weekend?

Hope your weekend is as terrific as it is long, ePistliers

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: The last time this country experienced this level of civil unrest, the music was a whole lot better. --Submitted by ks of ks

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.” “And yer hand?” asks Marty. “When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.” “OK, but what’s with the eye patch?” “I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.” “But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.” “True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.” —Jason Alexander

..........Everybody shake a hand, shake a hand.........Gladys Knight …..Friendship Train

Trivia Questions: Happy Birthday, Edsel !

^ What manufacturer introduced the Edsel?

^^ About how much was the starting price of the low end 1958 Edsel?

^^^ How many plants assembled the Edsel?

^^^^More or less how much horsepower did the E-475 engine command?

^^^^^ Care to guess how many colors was the '58 Edsel available?

Big Hello: Héébee - Arapaho https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Sign on the front door: Distance Learning in Progress. Please don't ring the doorbell unless you've brought wine or teach math. --Submitted by bu of ks

Fake Library Statistic of the Week: 18% of librarians have zoomed wearing nothing but a cardigan. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer. —Comedian Richard Lewis / Rene Descartes was at a party when the waiter asked if he would care for a hors d’oeuvre. Descartes said, “I think not” … and disappeared. —Aasif Mandvi

..........But fate's been kind, the downs have been few.........Gladys Knight …..You're The Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me

Third Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Forget about storming Area 51. Let's find out where this extended car warranty call center is and storm that place. --Submitted by INRITH

Moonbeam: To come up with the ending to a story and then work backwards is like tying your shoe with one hand only. --Donald McKay

Naturally Occurring Mandala of the Week: Aster – the birth flower of September

Last week's mandala – knothole: Woodworker Jo has said she thinks the wood is Maple...

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Just when you're about to make ends meet someone comes along and moves the ends. -Submitted by INRITH

Week of the Week: Sweet Corn Week (3-7) --I ear you laugh at corny jokes. / Corn puns both shuck and amaize me.

Red Headed Step Child of Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

“I’m sick of following my dreams—I’m just going to ask them where they are going and hook up with them later.” —Natasha Leggero, quoting Mitch Hedberg / “Don’t ask me about my pan pizza, it’s personal.” —Doug Benson, quoting Megan Neuringer

..........Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance.........Gladys Knight …..I Hope You Dance

^ Ford Motor Co. While it was being developed and before it had a name it was called the "E-car", which meant it was an experimental car. It was named after Henry Ford's son, Edsel, who died in 1943 at age 49.

Almanac: It is Friday, September 4, 2020. The moon was full (Corn) last Wednesday and is in Aries. It is National College Colors Day, Hug Your Boss Day, National Lazy Mom's Day, National Wildlife Day, and Newspaper Carrier Day. Because it is the first Friday it is also Bring Your Manners to Work Day; and because it is the first Full Weekend it is Cow Chip Throwing Days.

Among those born on this day were Francois Rene de Chateaubriand (1768), Donald McKay (1810), Daniel Burnham (1846), Richard Wright (1908), Henry Ford II (1917), Paul Harvey (1918), Dick York (1928), Tom Watson (1949), Merald Knight (Gladys, 1972), and Nyota Uhura (2179).

On September fourth Los Angeles was founded (1781), there were bread riots in Mobile, AL (1864), Hawaii got its first daily newspaper (1866), the first cafeteria opened (NYC, 1885), Eastman patented film and "Kodak" (1888), Doris Kopsky became the first NABA woman cycling champion (1937), Queen Wilhelmina of Netherlands abdicated (1948), the first transcontinental TV broadcast aired (Harry Truman, 1951), the Edsel was introduced (1957), and NASA launched the 1st Orbital Geophysical Observatory (OGO-1, 1964).

Night Sky, 9/4: The waning gibbous Moon rises around the end of twilight this evening. Once it's up, watch for fiery Mars, now unusually bright at magnitude -2.0, to rise about a fist-width or a little more to the Moon's lower left. They climb high as evening grows late. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Max Picture of the Week: Max and Mom

This Week: Saturday, September 5 – Be Late For Something Day & International Day of Charity

Night Sky, 9/5: Jupiter's Great Red Spot should transit Jupiter's central meridian around 10:18 pm EDT.

Sunday, September 6 – Bowling League Day

Monday, September 7 – Grandma Moses Day & Neither Rain Nor Snow Day

Tuesday, September 8 - International Literacy Day & Pardon Day

Wednesday, September 9 – National Teddy Bear Day & Opposite Day & Wonderful Weirdos Day

Night Sky, 9/9: Mercury is hidden in the sunset. Venus rises about 2 hours before dawn. Jupiter and Saturn shine in th4e south in the early evening. Neptune is up in the east by midnight and Neptune is a little higher in the southeast.

Thursday, September 10 – Swap Ideas Day & World Suicide Prevention Day

“Understand that a man wants a woman who encourages him without nagging him. He wants a woman who believes in his dream, even though she knows he can’t do it. Your man comes home talking about he’s going to quit his good job at the post office because he wants to be an astronaut? Don’t say anything. Just pull out your sewing machine and make him an astronaut outfit. Mix him up some Tang, slice him up some cheese and tell him—’GET UP! You're gonna be late for the moon!’ Push him out the door and say, ‘call me when you get a break on the moon!'” —Aisha Tyler

..........You're just smiling this morning.........Gladys Knight …..Make Yours A Happy Home

^^ The starting price was $2,500. The top price was $3,766. The major problem with Edsel prices was that they were in the same range as three out of four Mercury's models which, as I've mentioned, was their own product. So, Ford wound up competing with itself.

'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: No Sports! But if you dump a bag of Skittles in the toilet, squint your eyes and flush, it's almost like watching a NASCAR race. --Submitted by INRITH

Moonbeam: Every man carries within himself a world made up of all that he has seen and loved; and it is to this world that he returns, incessantly, though he may pass through and seem to inhabit a world quite foreign to it. --Francois Rene de Chateaubriand

Late Night Snacks of the Week: They're all on vacation – screw 'em.

Ollie's Very Own Picture of the Week: Ollie and Dad and a constant rabbit

Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: So KFC - that's, of course, the fast-food fried chicken franchise - they say, in the light of the pandemic, they're no longer going to use what famous slogan? Finger-licking good If you think about it - and they did - finger licking is just not a good idea to do in the middle of the COVID pandemic. It's the same reason why Tic Tac breath mints dropped their slogan, eat one, then French kiss a complete stranger. --Peter Sagal Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me 8/29/20

No matter what tactics and methods racial justice activists use, the general response of society will be a collective head-shaking and tsk-tsk-ing — because what people are actually complaining about are not the specific tactics that are being used in the struggle for racial justice, but that the struggle for racial justice exists at all. --Aisha Ansano

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “Really? In that case, give me a Kyle!” —Emo Philips / “My father was a night watchman, but he was a victim of technology. He was replaced by a lock.” —Colin Quinn

..........For once I can touch what my heart used to dream of.........Gladys Knight …..For Once In My Life

^^^ There were six plants altogether producing the 1958 Edsel. The Los Angeles plant got a late start and only produced 223 of them in 1958. Prior to the introduction of the 1958 Edsel (September 4, 1957) there were months of pre-release advertising during which Ford promised that the design of the Edsel will be far more radical than any of its other products. When it did come out for public viewing the only thing that was noticed was the strange grille and this turned people off.

Preantepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Is it OK to pull the bag of wine out of the box & stab a straw in it like it's a giant adult Capri Sun? Asking for a friend. --Submitted by ss of mo

Worthless Fact of the Week: Surprisingly, the plagues that wreaked havoc in Europe during the Middle Ages and killed millions of people made 10 % of Europeans immune to the HIV virus. The individuals in question carry a genetic mutation known as CCR5-A32, which prevents the virus from affecting the immune system. Thanks, big scary plague!

Wicked Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I'm not buying a 2021 Planner until I see the trailer... --Submitted by #RHOZ

Weird Word of the Week: Barnecide – illusory or imaginary and therefore disappointing All virtuality is a Barmecide feast and Internet is virtuality par excellence. https://www.lexico.com/explore/weird-and-wonderful-words

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Carry dirty diapers in a baby bag without any offending odors. Keep extra Ziploc Storage Bags in you baby bag so you can seal dirty diapers inside a plastic bag until you can dispose of them properly. This is especially considerate when visiting friends' houses. http://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/ziploc.html

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Being twenty in the seventies a was much more fun than being seventy in the twenties. —Submitted by sd of ks

I met a beautiful girl last night, but she was rather thin. I mean, this was a skinny girl. She turned sideways, you didn’t see her. I took her to a restaurant and the maitre d’ said to me, “Check your umbrella?” --Mel Brooks. / A string and his friends walk into a bar, and the string goes up to get a drink and the bartender says, “We don’t serve strings here.” So the string ties himself in a loop and does up the top of his head and then goes up to the bar, and the bartender goes, “Uh . . . are you a string?” And the string goes, “No, I’m a frayed knot.” —Kumail Nanjian

...........But I'll pick you up darling.........Gladys Knight …..If I Were Your Woman

^^^^ The E475 commanded 345 horsepower. That would be a lot of horsepower today but these were big heavy cars. They could still go 0-60 in about 10 seconds. Gas mileage was only about 8.5 mpg in city traffic but gas only cost 33 cents a gallon.

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: At least once a day, I walk outside and say, “Computer, end program”, just in case. -Wil Wheaton --Submitted by gr of oh

Science Fiction Joke of the Week: Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago. --Robert A Heinlein

Actual Science Joke of the Week: Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it. --Richard Feynman

Mild Mannered Curse of the Week: May you have your laptop charge all night without noticing the chord isn't plugged into the wall.

Two racehorses are in the stable. One says to the other, “You know, before that last race—” “The one that you won?” asks the other horse. “Yeah; before that last race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.” The other horse says, “Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.” A dog walking by says, “You idiots; you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you run faster!” One horse turns to the other and says, “Hey, a talking dog!” —Penn Jillette

..........But nothing takes the place of you.........Gladys Knight …..Save The Overtime

^^^^^ 19 colors: Can you imagine having to choose from this many? One color was Chalk Pink. The others were Jet Black, Silver Gray Metallic, Ember Red, Turquoise, Snow White (without dwarfs), Frost White, Powder Blue, Horizon Blue, Royal Blue Metallic, Ice Green, Spring Green, Spruce Green Metallic, Charcoal Brown Metallic, Driftwood, Jonquil Yellow, Sunset Coral, Copper Metallic and Gold Metallic. This information was reported on an Edsel fan site.

Month of the Week: September is International Square Dancing Month. --Square dancing is like bronco-busting only you're not in the air as much. / You'll never catch me square dancing. But dodecahedron dancing, I'm all over that.

Recreating Famous Painting With Anything You Can Find of the Week:

https://www.demilked.com/people-recreate-art-at-home/

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I don't always go the extra mile but when I do it's because I missed my exit. --Submitted by the #RHOZ

Today's Peace of History, September 4, 1949: Paul Robeson, scholar, athlete, musician and leader, defying a racist and red-baiting mob, sang to 15,000 at a Labor Day gathering in Peekskill, New York.

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.” —John Goodman / “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?” —George Carlin

..........But I can't help but care.........Gladys Knight …..Superwoman

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle September, 4, 2020, ePistle's Choice. Felicity, Funny & Favorites Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047

Political Quote of the Week: Now Trump's saying Democrats will be “violent” if they win big in November? What are we going to do? Throw our

PBS tote bags at the;m? --Bette Midler

Moonbeam: Golf is a game in which you yell ”fore”, shoot six, and write down five. --Paul Harvey

Cost of War:

As of 9/3/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,058,486,225,047.

As of 8/27/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,056,532,763,876.

As of 9/3/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $987,893,650,623.

As of 8/27/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $986,565,886,613.

As of 9/3/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $791,580,589,783.

As of 8/27/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $789,911,297,340.

As of 9/3/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $335,541,087,917.

As of 8/27/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $335,161,636,952.

As of 9/3/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,173,502,633,519.

As of 8/27/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,168,172,230,860.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

Don’t speak to me of “healing” racism, or “wounded souls” or the “painful hurt” until you are willing to feel the scars on my great-great-grandmother Laury’s back. --Adam Lawrence Dyer

Famous Last Words: Beyond Antares. --Song sung by Lt Uhura on Star Trek The song is named Beyond Antares

..........Or your heart will never come of age.........Gladys Knight …..Double or Nothing

“Every place is within walking distance if you have enough time.” —Bob Mankoff quoting Steven Wright / A guy approached a priest to request a funeral for his dog. The priest explained he couldn’t do that, but the man insisted. “Sorry, why don’t you ask the Protestant minister across the street?” says the priest. "That’s too bad, Father,” said the disconsolate man as he was leaving. “There was going to be a thousand dollar stipend.” The priest stopped him: “Why didn’t you tell me your dog was Catholic?” —Cindy Williams

May Peace give you strength

And Joy give you endurance

prairie mama

christine

Last Laugh:

The ePistle Affair

 

Famous First Words: Hear ye, lords, nobles, freemen of Brabant... Richard Wagner Lohengrin

August in National Read A Romance Novel Month ! Edwardo was always kissing my nape. I called him the neck romancer.

..........I've hungered for your touch a long, lonely time.........Righteous Brothers …..Unchained Melody

The American elite does not have any real image of peace — other than as an uneasy interlude existing precariously by virtue of the balance of mutual fright. --C Wright Mills

It is a beautiful Friday morning. The sky is clear and blue, the temperature is 74°F, and Bruno has been barking for the last 20 minutes. It is a marvel that here, even in late August, Kansas is still very green. There are no straw yellow patches or brown clumps of former flower stalks or bare stops on lawns. Birds seem to be enjoying the morning, chirping and singing from behind the leaves of the willow and the really big oak. I do not sing but I do inhale the steam from my cup of coffee before taking a deep sip. Ahhh, what a wonderful world...

Hope your weekend comes up roses and daffodils, ePistliers.

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: If 2020 were a math problem: If you're going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof? ----Submitted by RHOZ

I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. The publisher said no; claimed I was too vein and the plot was to thin.

..........You smiled, you smiled oh and then the spell was cast..........Etta James …..At Last

Trivia Questions: Happy Radio Commercials Day !

^ Any idea when, where, or what the first radio commercial was?

^^ What constitutes the 'Golden Age” of radio?

^^^ Radio invented or discovered soap operas. Who, how, or when did they come to be?

^^^^ The first successful radio quiz show was Dr. IQ. Know anything about it?

^^^^^ Any idea what radio advertising did then or does cost now?

Big Hello: Shl'am lak - Aramaic https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: At the bar I ordered 2 hurricanes and a Corona. The bartender said, “That's $20.20. --Submitted by INRITH

Fake Library Statistic of the Week: 14% of cats don't like librarians but remain silent so they can continue to be fed. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

Romance, Mystery, Eroticism. All these and more in “Dictionary, The Movie”.

..........How wonderful life is with you in the world.........Elton John …..Your Song

Moonbeam: Raising children is a creative endeavor, an art rather than a science. --Bruno Bettelheim

Naturally Occurring Mandala of the Week: Knothole in a unknown kind of wood

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I ate a clock today; it was really time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.

Week of the Week: Be Kind to Humankind Week (25-30) –I am not grumpy; I'm selective with my kindness. / I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic would save so much time. / Kindness is a gift everyone can afford to give.

I needed some help writing my romance novel so I checked out the book 'How to Hug” from the library. Turns out it was volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.

..........I know it ain't easy giving up your heart.........Adele …..One and Only

^ Ninety-eight years ago, back in 1922, America's airwaves changed forever. New York radio station WEAF broadcast the first paid radio commercial for the Hawthorne Court Apartments in Jackson Heights.

Almanac: It is Friday August 28, 2020. The moon was first quarter last Tuesday and is in Capricorn. It is Race Your Mouse Around the Icons Day, Radio Commercials Day, Crackers Over the Keyboard Day, and World Daffodil Day. In Hong Kong it is the Festival of Hungry Ghosts. Jordon celebrates Arab Renaissance Day and in Mauritius it is Ganesh Chatturthi.

Among people born on this day were Johan Wolfgang von Goethe (1749), Elizabeth Ann Bayley Seaton (1774), George Hoyt Whipple (1878), Charles Boyer (1889), Bruno Bettelheim (1903), Roger Tory Peterson (1908), C. Wright Mills (1916), Nancy Kulp (1921), Ben Gazzara (1930), Lou Pinella (1943), Ron "Louisiana Lightning" Guidry (1950), Daniel Stern (1957), and Jason Priestley (1969).

On August twenty-eighth Herschel discovered Saturn's moon Enceladus (1789), "Lohengrin" was first produced (1850), UPS began service (Seattle, 1907), 10 suffragists were arrested at the White House gate (1917), golf's Walker Cup tournament was established (1922), Kalamazoo passed an ordinance forbidding dancers from gazing into each other eyes (1923), Thurmond began a 24 hour filibuster against the civil rights bill (1957), 200,000 demonstrated for equal rights (DC, 1963), police and demonstrators clash at the National Democratic Convention (Chicago, 1968), and John Denver was given a dui after crashing his Porsche into a tree (1994).

Night Sky, 8/28: Jupiter shines just a couple degrees above the gibbous Moon this evening for North America http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Max Picture of the Week: Max and Ollie all stretched out.

~~Last week Ollie looked so small or short and in this picture he looks really looooooonnnnnng.

This Week: Saturday, August 29 – According to Hoyle Day & Individual Rights Day & International Bat Night

Sunday, August 30 – International Whale Shark Day & National Holistic Pet Day

Night Sky, 8/30: Mars rises in the east less than an hour after the end of twilight. It emerges bright (magnitude –1.6) and strongly orange like a far-off bonfire. Where will it come up? Watch the horizon far below the Great Square of Pegasus.

Monday, August 31 – Love Litigating Lawyers Day & National Matchmaker Day

Tuesday, September 1 - Chicken Boy's Day & National No Rhyme (Nor Reason) Day

Wednesday, September 2 – World Coconut Day

Night Sky, 9/2: Uranus (magnitude 5.8, in Aries) is well up in the east by midnight or 1 am daylight-saving time, east of Mars. Neptune (magnitude 7.8, in Aquarius) is higher in the southeast by that time.

Thursday, September 3 – Skyscraper Day

Ollie's Very Own Picture: Ollie Up Close

~~What a cutie, sometimes it's hard to tell until the “new” wears off

I was going to write the great American nursing home romance novel...but the title “50 Shade of Grey” was already taken.

..........Fools give you reasons, wise men never try.........Ezioi Pinza …..Some Enchanted Evening

^^ The Golden Age of American radio, period lasting roughly from 1930 through the 1940s, when the medium of commercial broadcast radio grew into the fabric of daily life in the United States, providing news and entertainment to a country struggling with economic depression and war.

'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: My grandmother lived to be 102. When I asked her what her secret was, she said, “God's punishing me”. --Submitted by llr of ks

Moonbeam: Any investigator is indeed fortunate who can contribute a tiny stone to the great edifice which we call scientific truth. --George Whipple

Niece of Another Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: 2020 you are hopping up and down on my last nerve. --Submitted by dg of oh

Late Night Snacks of the Week: This conspiracy theory is crazy even for conspiracy theories. You’re telling me Trump is doing something heroic, but instead of taking credit for it, he’s keeping it a secret? That is the most unbelievable thing I’ve ever heard. --Trevor Noah / Last week, the Democratic national convention offered an inclusive and determined show of (virtual) unity in the fight to topple Donald Trump and, as candidate Joe Biden put it, to “overcome a season of darkness”. This week, darkness gets their turn at bat. --Stephen Colbert

Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: To dress post-pandemic America, clothing companies are adjusting their sizes. What was once a medium is now really a large. Large is now extra-large, and so on. Also a special size for people who didn't think they'd gain weight during the pandemic. That's XL-LOL. --Peter Sagal Best of Wait Wait Don't Tell Me 8/22/20

 The only seriously accepted plan for peace is the full loaded pistol. In short, war or a high state of war-preparedness is felt to be the normal and seemingly permanent condition of the United States. --C Wright Mills

Romance is dead, especially for necrophiliacs.

..........I'm wild again, beguiled again, a simpering, whimpering child again..........Buddy Bergman & Ella Fitzgerald …..Bewitched, Bothers and Bewildered

^^^ Count soap operas among Procter & Gamble’s many successes. P&G was one of the first companies to sponsor daytime serial dramas on the radio in the 1930s to advertise their products to housewives. The shows were associated with sponsors such as Oxydol, Duz and Ivory soaps and were dubbed “soap operas.”

Worthless Fact of the Week: Sea otters like to hold each other's paws when sleeping so they don't drift apart.

Wicked Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: So I just figured out 2020 and it's pretty obvious what happened: “Baby Shark” is an ancient chant that opens a portal to Hell. --Bill Carey --Submitted by sab of ks

Weird Word of the Week: Agastopia – admiration of a particular part of someone's body. https://thoughtcatalog.com/sylvie-quinn/2018/06/75-weird-words-every-word-nerd-will-appreciate/

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Protest Sign: Deliver De Mail / DePose DeJoy --Submitted by pj of ks

Weird Word of the Week²:Tsundoku – The practice of buying more books than you can read. --Submitted by sm of ks

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Improvise a diaper changing mat. In an emergency, a jumbo Ziploc Storage Bag can be used as an easy-to-tote changing mat. http://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/ziploc.html

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: It is on longer 5 o'clock somewhere. It's 2020 everywhere, so drink whenever you want. --Submitted by dr of oh

The inspiration for the spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp was actually ants in Italy sharing a strand of pasta. Ah, Rome Ants

...........I'm warmed up now, let's go.........Beyoncé …..Crazy in Love

^^^^ Dr. I.Q. (aka the Mental Banker and Doctor I.Q.) is a radio and television quiz program. Remembered as radio's first major quiz show, it popularized the catch phrase "I have a lady in the balcony, Doctor." Over decades, the program's sponsors were Mars Candy, the Vick Chemical Company and Embassy Cigarettes. The radio series did not have a set studio. Instead, it traveled from city to city and broadcast from large concert halls and theaters.

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: If you one up conspiracy theorists they don't know what to do. “The moon landing was fake.” “Oh, you're one of those people that believe in the moon?” --Submitted by INRITH

Science Fiction Joke of the Week: Never attempt to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig. --Robert Heinlein

Actual Science Joke of the Week: 3 whales are sitting in a bar. The first whale says “waaoaoooooooooooaoaoo whiieeeaoooooooo”. The second whale says “ARRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOO”. The third whale says, “Hey, I can't understand a thing you're saying.” --Bill Nye, The Science Guy

Mild Mannered Curse of the Week: May your return calls always go unanswered even though you literally just called me, Kyle.

Rejected Romance Novels: Tender Wings of Desire. A Colonel Sanders Romance

..........I knew our joy would fill the earth.........Roberta Flack …..The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

^^^^^ The first ad was $50 for 10 minutes. Current prices range from $1 for a late night 15 second ad to $40,000 per ad – usually during sports broadcasts.

Month of the Week: August is World Mutt-i-grees Rescue Month –We adopted a Labrador and found out he could do pull rabbits out of hats. We named him Labracador / My dog is like a phone, she has a collar ID.

Recreating Famous Painting With Anything You Can Find:

https://www.boredpanda.com/art-recreation-at-home-museum-challenge/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Anyone know when them black eyed peas we ate for good luck on New Year's supposed to kick in? --Submitted by RHOZ

Stop trying to make everyone happy. You're not Tequila.

..........Sweet wonderful you.........Fleetwood Mac …..You Make Loving Fun

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle August 28, 2020, The ePistle Affair. Courtship, Conciliation, and Comedy. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047

Moonbeam: Faith lifts the soul, Hope supports it, Experience says it must and Love says...Let it be. --Elizabeth Ann Bayley Seaton

Cost of War:

As of 8/27/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,056,532,763,876.

As of 8/20/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,054,580,053,715.

As of 8/27/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $986,565,886,613.

As of 8/20/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $985,238,814,728.

As of 8/27/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $789,911,297,340.

As of 8/20/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $788,243,292,345.

As of 8/27/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $335,161,636,952.

As of 8/20/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $334,782,654,505.

As of 8/27/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,168,172,230,860.

As of 8/20/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,162,845,347,385.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

Peace is no longer serious; only war is serious. Every man and every nation is either friend or foe, and the idea of enmity becomes mechanical, massive, and without genuine passion –C Wright Mills

Famous Last Words: I hope the Senate will see fit to kill it. I expect to vote against the bill. --Strom Thurman Ending his 24 hour filibuster against the Civil Rights Act.

..........I'll think of you every step of the way........Whitney Houston …..I Will Always Love You

I have a crush on your mind and on your heart, but your sexy body is a huge bonus.

May Peace bring you joy

And Joy bring you peace

prairie mama

christine

Last Laugh: