ePistle's Choice

 Famous First Words: I'm glad to welcome you... President Harry S Truman First transcontinental television transmission, 9/4/51

Favorite jokes of funny people: A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. “There are no fish under the ice!” He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!” He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?” “No, this is the rink manager!” —Allison Janney

..........ooh, ooh, ooh, what's left of his world.........Gladys Knight …..Midnight Train to Georgia

Holy, and sacred, Black Rage. Be ever present in our struggle for liberation, in our work to be, to love, to exist. --Byron Tyler Coles

It is a cool (57°F) Friday morning. Azure skies are cloudless and clear. There is no hint of a breeze against the cheek or among the willow branches. The new sun is illuminating the green, green foliage of home. Birds seem happy with the transition to fall and are singing and producing nature's own Angulus prayers. Puck will not go out this morning; I do not know what evil lurks in the yard to cast fear in the heart of a small dog. The entire neighborhood smells of freshly mown grass. We return indoors to a different aroma – brewing coffee...also pleasant. And I get to drink fresh, hot decaf, sweetened and creamed and write to you. Could there be a better way to start a long weekend?

Hope your weekend is as terrific as it is long, ePistliers

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: The last time this country experienced this level of civil unrest, the music was a whole lot better. --Submitted by ks of ks

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.” “And yer hand?” asks Marty. “When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.” “OK, but what’s with the eye patch?” “I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.” “But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.” “True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.” —Jason Alexander

..........Everybody shake a hand, shake a hand.........Gladys Knight …..Friendship Train

Trivia Questions: Happy Birthday, Edsel !

^ What manufacturer introduced the Edsel?

^^ About how much was the starting price of the low end 1958 Edsel?

^^^ How many plants assembled the Edsel?

^^^^More or less how much horsepower did the E-475 engine command?

^^^^^ Care to guess how many colors was the '58 Edsel available?

Big Hello: Héébee - Arapaho https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Sign on the front door: Distance Learning in Progress. Please don't ring the doorbell unless you've brought wine or teach math. --Submitted by bu of ks

Fake Library Statistic of the Week: 18% of librarians have zoomed wearing nothing but a cardigan. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer. —Comedian Richard Lewis / Rene Descartes was at a party when the waiter asked if he would care for a hors d’oeuvre. Descartes said, “I think not” … and disappeared. —Aasif Mandvi

..........But fate's been kind, the downs have been few.........Gladys Knight …..You're The Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me

Third Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Forget about storming Area 51. Let's find out where this extended car warranty call center is and storm that place. --Submitted by INRITH

Moonbeam: To come up with the ending to a story and then work backwards is like tying your shoe with one hand only. --Donald McKay

Naturally Occurring Mandala of the Week: Aster – the birth flower of September

Last week's mandala – knothole: Woodworker Jo has said she thinks the wood is Maple...

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Just when you're about to make ends meet someone comes along and moves the ends. -Submitted by INRITH

Week of the Week: Sweet Corn Week (3-7) --I ear you laugh at corny jokes. / Corn puns both shuck and amaize me.

Red Headed Step Child of Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

“I’m sick of following my dreams—I’m just going to ask them where they are going and hook up with them later.” —Natasha Leggero, quoting Mitch Hedberg / “Don’t ask me about my pan pizza, it’s personal.” —Doug Benson, quoting Megan Neuringer

..........Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance.........Gladys Knight …..I Hope You Dance

^ Ford Motor Co. While it was being developed and before it had a name it was called the "E-car", which meant it was an experimental car. It was named after Henry Ford's son, Edsel, who died in 1943 at age 49.

Almanac: It is Friday, September 4, 2020. The moon was full (Corn) last Wednesday and is in Aries. It is National College Colors Day, Hug Your Boss Day, National Lazy Mom's Day, National Wildlife Day, and Newspaper Carrier Day. Because it is the first Friday it is also Bring Your Manners to Work Day; and because it is the first Full Weekend it is Cow Chip Throwing Days.

Among those born on this day were Francois Rene de Chateaubriand (1768), Donald McKay (1810), Daniel Burnham (1846), Richard Wright (1908), Henry Ford II (1917), Paul Harvey (1918), Dick York (1928), Tom Watson (1949), Merald Knight (Gladys, 1972), and Nyota Uhura (2179).

On September fourth Los Angeles was founded (1781), there were bread riots in Mobile, AL (1864), Hawaii got its first daily newspaper (1866), the first cafeteria opened (NYC, 1885), Eastman patented film and "Kodak" (1888), Doris Kopsky became the first NABA woman cycling champion (1937), Queen Wilhelmina of Netherlands abdicated (1948), the first transcontinental TV broadcast aired (Harry Truman, 1951), the Edsel was introduced (1957), and NASA launched the 1st Orbital Geophysical Observatory (OGO-1, 1964).

Night Sky, 9/4: The waning gibbous Moon rises around the end of twilight this evening. Once it's up, watch for fiery Mars, now unusually bright at magnitude -2.0, to rise about a fist-width or a little more to the Moon's lower left. They climb high as evening grows late. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Max Picture of the Week: Max and Mom

This Week: Saturday, September 5 – Be Late For Something Day & International Day of Charity

Night Sky, 9/5: Jupiter's Great Red Spot should transit Jupiter's central meridian around 10:18 pm EDT.

Sunday, September 6 – Bowling League Day

Monday, September 7 – Grandma Moses Day & Neither Rain Nor Snow Day

Tuesday, September 8 - International Literacy Day & Pardon Day

Wednesday, September 9 – National Teddy Bear Day & Opposite Day & Wonderful Weirdos Day

Night Sky, 9/9: Mercury is hidden in the sunset. Venus rises about 2 hours before dawn. Jupiter and Saturn shine in th4e south in the early evening. Neptune is up in the east by midnight and Neptune is a little higher in the southeast.

Thursday, September 10 – Swap Ideas Day & World Suicide Prevention Day

“Understand that a man wants a woman who encourages him without nagging him. He wants a woman who believes in his dream, even though she knows he can’t do it. Your man comes home talking about he’s going to quit his good job at the post office because he wants to be an astronaut? Don’t say anything. Just pull out your sewing machine and make him an astronaut outfit. Mix him up some Tang, slice him up some cheese and tell him—’GET UP! You're gonna be late for the moon!’ Push him out the door and say, ‘call me when you get a break on the moon!'” —Aisha Tyler

..........You're just smiling this morning.........Gladys Knight …..Make Yours A Happy Home

^^ The starting price was $2,500. The top price was $3,766. The major problem with Edsel prices was that they were in the same range as three out of four Mercury's models which, as I've mentioned, was their own product. So, Ford wound up competing with itself.

'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: No Sports! But if you dump a bag of Skittles in the toilet, squint your eyes and flush, it's almost like watching a NASCAR race. --Submitted by INRITH

Moonbeam: Every man carries within himself a world made up of all that he has seen and loved; and it is to this world that he returns, incessantly, though he may pass through and seem to inhabit a world quite foreign to it. --Francois Rene de Chateaubriand

Late Night Snacks of the Week: They're all on vacation – screw 'em.

Ollie's Very Own Picture of the Week: Ollie and Dad and a constant rabbit

Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: So KFC - that's, of course, the fast-food fried chicken franchise - they say, in the light of the pandemic, they're no longer going to use what famous slogan? Finger-licking good If you think about it - and they did - finger licking is just not a good idea to do in the middle of the COVID pandemic. It's the same reason why Tic Tac breath mints dropped their slogan, eat one, then French kiss a complete stranger. --Peter Sagal Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me 8/29/20

No matter what tactics and methods racial justice activists use, the general response of society will be a collective head-shaking and tsk-tsk-ing — because what people are actually complaining about are not the specific tactics that are being used in the struggle for racial justice, but that the struggle for racial justice exists at all. --Aisha Ansano

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “Really? In that case, give me a Kyle!” —Emo Philips / “My father was a night watchman, but he was a victim of technology. He was replaced by a lock.” —Colin Quinn

..........For once I can touch what my heart used to dream of.........Gladys Knight …..For Once In My Life

^^^ There were six plants altogether producing the 1958 Edsel. The Los Angeles plant got a late start and only produced 223 of them in 1958. Prior to the introduction of the 1958 Edsel (September 4, 1957) there were months of pre-release advertising during which Ford promised that the design of the Edsel will be far more radical than any of its other products. When it did come out for public viewing the only thing that was noticed was the strange grille and this turned people off.

Preantepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Is it OK to pull the bag of wine out of the box & stab a straw in it like it's a giant adult Capri Sun? Asking for a friend. --Submitted by ss of mo

Worthless Fact of the Week: Surprisingly, the plagues that wreaked havoc in Europe during the Middle Ages and killed millions of people made 10 % of Europeans immune to the HIV virus. The individuals in question carry a genetic mutation known as CCR5-A32, which prevents the virus from affecting the immune system. Thanks, big scary plague!

Wicked Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I'm not buying a 2021 Planner until I see the trailer... --Submitted by #RHOZ

Weird Word of the Week: Barnecide – illusory or imaginary and therefore disappointing All virtuality is a Barmecide feast and Internet is virtuality par excellence. https://www.lexico.com/explore/weird-and-wonderful-words

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Carry dirty diapers in a baby bag without any offending odors. Keep extra Ziploc Storage Bags in you baby bag so you can seal dirty diapers inside a plastic bag until you can dispose of them properly. This is especially considerate when visiting friends' houses. http://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/ziploc.html

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Being twenty in the seventies a was much more fun than being seventy in the twenties. —Submitted by sd of ks

I met a beautiful girl last night, but she was rather thin. I mean, this was a skinny girl. She turned sideways, you didn’t see her. I took her to a restaurant and the maitre d’ said to me, “Check your umbrella?” --Mel Brooks. / A string and his friends walk into a bar, and the string goes up to get a drink and the bartender says, “We don’t serve strings here.” So the string ties himself in a loop and does up the top of his head and then goes up to the bar, and the bartender goes, “Uh . . . are you a string?” And the string goes, “No, I’m a frayed knot.” —Kumail Nanjian

...........But I'll pick you up darling.........Gladys Knight …..If I Were Your Woman

^^^^ The E475 commanded 345 horsepower. That would be a lot of horsepower today but these were big heavy cars. They could still go 0-60 in about 10 seconds. Gas mileage was only about 8.5 mpg in city traffic but gas only cost 33 cents a gallon.

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: At least once a day, I walk outside and say, “Computer, end program”, just in case. -Wil Wheaton --Submitted by gr of oh

Science Fiction Joke of the Week: Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago. --Robert A Heinlein

Actual Science Joke of the Week: Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it. --Richard Feynman

Mild Mannered Curse of the Week: May you have your laptop charge all night without noticing the chord isn't plugged into the wall.

Two racehorses are in the stable. One says to the other, “You know, before that last race—” “The one that you won?” asks the other horse. “Yeah; before that last race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.” The other horse says, “Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.” A dog walking by says, “You idiots; you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you run faster!” One horse turns to the other and says, “Hey, a talking dog!” —Penn Jillette

..........But nothing takes the place of you.........Gladys Knight …..Save The Overtime

^^^^^ 19 colors: Can you imagine having to choose from this many? One color was Chalk Pink. The others were Jet Black, Silver Gray Metallic, Ember Red, Turquoise, Snow White (without dwarfs), Frost White, Powder Blue, Horizon Blue, Royal Blue Metallic, Ice Green, Spring Green, Spruce Green Metallic, Charcoal Brown Metallic, Driftwood, Jonquil Yellow, Sunset Coral, Copper Metallic and Gold Metallic. This information was reported on an Edsel fan site.

Month of the Week: September is International Square Dancing Month. --Square dancing is like bronco-busting only you're not in the air as much. / You'll never catch me square dancing. But dodecahedron dancing, I'm all over that.

Recreating Famous Painting With Anything You Can Find of the Week:

https://www.demilked.com/people-recreate-art-at-home/

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I don't always go the extra mile but when I do it's because I missed my exit. --Submitted by the #RHOZ

Today's Peace of History, September 4, 1949: Paul Robeson, scholar, athlete, musician and leader, defying a racist and red-baiting mob, sang to 15,000 at a Labor Day gathering in Peekskill, New York.

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.” —John Goodman / “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?” —George Carlin

..........But I can't help but care.........Gladys Knight …..Superwoman

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle September, 4, 2020, ePistle's Choice. Felicity, Funny & Favorites Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047

Political Quote of the Week: Now Trump's saying Democrats will be “violent” if they win big in November? What are we going to do? Throw our

PBS tote bags at the;m? --Bette Midler

Moonbeam: Golf is a game in which you yell ”fore”, shoot six, and write down five. --Paul Harvey

Cost of War:

As of 9/3/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,058,486,225,047.

As of 8/27/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,056,532,763,876.

As of 9/3/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $987,893,650,623.

As of 8/27/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $986,565,886,613.

As of 9/3/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $791,580,589,783.

As of 8/27/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $789,911,297,340.

As of 9/3/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $335,541,087,917.

As of 8/27/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $335,161,636,952.

As of 9/3/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,173,502,633,519.

As of 8/27/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,168,172,230,860.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

Don’t speak to me of “healing” racism, or “wounded souls” or the “painful hurt” until you are willing to feel the scars on my great-great-grandmother Laury’s back. --Adam Lawrence Dyer

Famous Last Words: Beyond Antares. --Song sung by Lt Uhura on Star Trek The song is named Beyond Antares

..........Or your heart will never come of age.........Gladys Knight …..Double or Nothing

“Every place is within walking distance if you have enough time.” —Bob Mankoff quoting Steven Wright / A guy approached a priest to request a funeral for his dog. The priest explained he couldn’t do that, but the man insisted. “Sorry, why don’t you ask the Protestant minister across the street?” says the priest. "That’s too bad, Father,” said the disconsolate man as he was leaving. “There was going to be a thousand dollar stipend.” The priest stopped him: “Why didn’t you tell me your dog was Catholic?” —Cindy Williams

May Peace give you strength

And Joy give you endurance

prairie mama

christine

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