Friday, May 15, 2020

Pundamental ePistle

Famous First Words: In the name of the most holy and undivided trinity.... Peace Treaty of Paris
This year the O'Henry Pun Off was Put Off punding the end of the Punoramic Pundemic. So we'll just have to recycle last year's pundamonium...This is dedicated to my wife, who is from Wisconsin. She’s not been feeling dairy well, and she’s rather feta up with the isolation. I told her I didn’t give edam about the cost, I wanted to show her a gouda time. --Jake Morrison 2017
Puns about puns are punishingly bad.
..........I wanna know if love is wild.........Bruce Springsteen & E Street Band …..Born To Run
“No thank-you; you can't overcome hatred with more hatred. Force can kill the liar but not the lie, the hater but not the hate, and the violent but not the violence. Hate begets hate, violence begets violence, and war begets war.” ― Joss Sheldon, 'Involution & Evolution': A rhyming anti-war novel
It is a warm (66°F), gray Friday morning. The sky is a slate gray without variation or texture. Clouds are so thick the light itself is dimmed and shadowy. A breeze gently saves the willow branches in a graceful slow dance. An affliction of starlings is making its way from backyard to backyard looking for breakfast and discussing the morning news. There are other birds about, but they are silent, listening to the chatter of the bigger, blacker birds. I have left the backdoor open slightly ajar for us to appreciate the season, but Puck finds things that annoy him and he barks at what appears to be nothing at all. So I close the door and he drinks his morning bowl of milk and settles into his bed for an early morning nap. It's a dog's life. I fix myself a cup of Moose Munch, warm, creamy, sweet, and strong. I lift the cup to my face and breathe in the fragrant mist to clear the night from my mind and replace it with a picture of your face. How pleasant.
Hey, ePistliers, hope your weekend puns the gambit.
First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: The Illuminati has planted facial recognition cameras everywhere. Only wearing a cloth face covering in public can stop them from tracking you. Tell Everyone. --Submitted by rl of ca
One day I went to MEET a BEEFy guy named CHUCK. “Thanks for coming BISON,” he said. He’d been BACON a pie and offered me a slice. He wanted to TACOver something with me. He asked me, “You want to go to VENICE-SON?” He had an idea to rob a British nobleman named Sir LLOYN at his Italian estate. --Chris McNett 2017
Do you have something against puns? No, I'm not homophonic.
..........I just can't face myself alone again........Bruce Springsteen & E Street Band …..Thunder Road
Trivia Questions: Happy Birthday to the US Agriculture Department!
^ About how many people are employed in the agriculture industry in the US?
^^ About how many breeds of sheep are there in the US?
^^^ About how much milk does a cow produce per day?
^^^^ About how much yarn does a pound of wool make?
^^^^^ About how many crayons can an acre of soybeans make?
Big Hello: БЗИa Зϭωa – Abkhaz (Republic of Georgia) https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm
Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: If this were 1692, some of you would be completely convinced that witches were to blame for this and it shows. --Submitted by nd
Fake Library Statistic of the Week: Names of librarian home networks: 10% Author Names / 18% A cat (living or deceased) / 16% Ice Cream Flavors / 20% Characters from literature / 36% Passive Aggressive swipe at the annoying neighbor next door. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts
Batman challenged me to a battle of the billionaires. Ha! I don’t want to Bruce his ego, but he’s Wayne over his head. He should just mind his Manors. He asked me to help him clean up Gotham, but I’ve Bane there for like three months and no-one is willing Two Face me. --Sean Casey 2017
O'Henry's favorite movie, It's a Punderful Life.
..........You better get it straight, darlin'........Bruce Springsteen & E Street Band …..Badlands
Moonbeam: It's a man's world, and you men can have it. --Katherine Anne Porter
Naturally Occurring Mandala of the Week: Sticktight Flower

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I really don't mind getting old, but my body is taking it badly.
Week of the Week: National Hospital Week (10-16) --The coolest person in the hospital is the Ultra Sound Tech. / A man goes to the hospital and says, “Doctor, I think I’m a bit hard of hearing”. The doctor replies “Can you describe the symptoms?” The man says “Sure. Marge has blue hair, Homer is fat and bald”.
So a little bird told me this story… but owl sparrow you the details. The weather’s quite pheasant on this Hawk-tober day in Phoenix. There’s a footrace going on, with a full rooster of competitors. They stand at the starling line. The ref cocks his ibis-tol, says “on your lark,” and flyers! Hen they’re off! --Arum Debray 2017
O'Henry wanted to be an acu-pun-cturist.
..........I got a union card and a wedding coat........Bruce Springsteen & E Street Band …..The River
^ Agriculture is one of the United States’ most important industries, employing more than 24 million workers or 17 percent of the country’s total work force.
Almanac: It is Friday, May 15, 2020. The moon was last quarter yesterday and is in Pisces. The United Nations has declared this International Day of Families. It is also Isra Al Mi'Raj, National Chocolate Chip Cookie Day, International MPS Awareness Day, National Tuberous Sclerosis Day, Nylon Stockings Day, Peace Officer Memorial Day, and Straw Hat Day. In Austria it is Independence Day (1955). Finally because it is the third Friday it is also Endangered Species Day, O. Henry Pun-Off , NASCAR Day, National Bike to Work Day, National Defense Transportation Day, and National Pizza Party Day.
Among those born on this day were Glaudio Monteverdi (1567), L Frank Baum (1856), Pierre Curie (1859), Bessie Hillman (1889), Kathernie Anne Porter (1890), Richard J. Daley (1902), Clifton Fadiman (1904), Joseph Cotten (1905), Richard Avedon (1923), Jasper Johns (1930), Chazz Palminteri (1946), and George Brett (1953).
On May fifteenth Anne Boleyn was accused of adultery (1536), Mary, Queen of Scots, married the Earl of Bothwell (1567), Kepler discovered the harmonics law (1618), Massachusetts enacted the first copyright law (1672), the Peace Treaty of Paris was signed (France & Sardinia, 1796), John the Baptist ordained Joseph Smith (1829), the Department of Agriculture was created (1862), the National Woman Suffrage Association formed (1869), Kappa Alpha Psi incorporated (1911), Mickey Mouse first appeared (1928), Nylon stockings went on sale (1940), Rationing of gasoline began (1942), the Warsaw ghetto uprising ended (1943), the Beach Boys release Carl and the Passions: So Tough (1972), the Harlem Globetrotters appear on Gilligan's Island (1981), and Nils Lofgren replaced Steve Van Zant in Springsteen's E Street Band (1984)
Night Sky,5/25: A naked-eye Venus challenge! The large, thin crescent of Venus is easy to see this coming week with even a very small telescope or good, steadily braced binoculars. But can you resolve its crescent with your unaided eyes? Mere 20/20 vision isn't good enough; success may await the eagle-eyed with 20/15, 20/12, 0r (rare) 20/10 vision. Try during different stages of twilight. Look long and carefully and report your results to Sky & Telescope's Bob King, nightsky55@gmail.com You may improve your chances by sighting through a clean, round hole in a stiff piece of paper 1 mm or 2 mm in diameter (try both). This will mask out optical aberrations that are common away from the center of your eye's cornea and lens. One person who apparently succeeded was Edgar Allan Poe. An amateur astronomer since boyhood, he used a naked-eye sighting of Venus's crescent as the central event in his poem "Ulalume" (1847) http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/
Max Picture of the Week: Max and mom working from home.

This Week: Saturday, May 16 – Armed Forces Day & Biographer's Day & Do Dah Day
Sunday, May 17 – World Hypertension Day
Night Sky, 5/17 : These dark spring evenings, the long, dim sea serpent Hydra snakes level far across the southern sky. Find his head, a rather dim asterism about the width of your thumb at arm's length, in the southwest. It's upper right of Procyon, the brightest star due west, by about a fist and a half. The brightest star of Hydra is Alphard, his 2nd-magnitude orange heart, a fist and a half left of his head.
Monday, May 18 – Buy A Musical Instrument Day & Supply Chain Professional Day & Visit Your Relatives Day
Tuesday, May 19 – May Ray Day & National Scooter Day
Wednesday, May 20 – National Rescue Day & Weights & Measures Day & World Bee Day
Thursday, May 21 – End of the World Day & National Wait Staff Day
Night Sky, 5/21: Annular Solar Eclipse - The annular phase of this solar eclipse is visible from parts of Africa including the Central African Republic, Congo, and Ethiopia; south of Pakistan and northern India; and China. Weather permitting, people in these areas will see the characteristic ring of fire.
Tomorrow’s Mother’s day, so give me a wide birth from this gestation, period. Not to bore children, crown around, or stirrup trouble, but to breech a little spermon induce labor-ious minutes for my mom and all Lamaze newborn not. I’m gonna trimester to come to term with it all, but I’m tearing up already. Mom, thank you for giving me womb to grow. --Southpaw Jones 2017
O'Henry was great at puns but lousy at punctuation.
..........I took a wrong turn and I just kept going........Bruce Springsteen & E Street Band …..Hungry Heart
^^ There are 47 different breeds of sheep in the US.
'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Atheists don't solve exponential equations; they don't believe in higher powers. --Submitted by 50nerdsofgray
Moonbeam: It is such a relief to be told the truth. --Katherine Anne Porter
Late Night Snacks of the Week: Wearing goggles in a mask factory is like walking into the bedroom with a condom on your nose. --Stephen Colbert / I gotta say that revolting against the government because of brunch has got to be one of the whitest things I've ever seen. This is like a kacki shorts sale at a hockey game. --Trevor Noah / The pivot to Obama above all else demonstrates how Republicans and Fox News would rather live in an alternate universe where Obama was president and not Trump, because then they could at least lie and tell themselves they were a ragtag band of rebels instead of the marketing department for the Death Star. --Seth Meyers / Despite Trump’s declaration Monday that the US has “prevailed” over coronavirus, infectious disease expert Dr Anthony Fauci warned Congress in a televised hearing on Tuesday that reopening the country too soon would lead to “needless suffering and death”, which I think is Trump’s new campaign slogan, --Jimmy Kimmel
Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: Major fashion houses are now making masks, so now you don't only have to worry about looking silly; you have to worry about looking cheap. And it's one more thing that they'll be able to do on the red carpet with all the stars who'll be wearing, you know, designer face masks. First, who are you wearing? And second, who are you? --Peter Sagal Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me
I am a human being who does not believe in killing my fellow man for insufficient reason.” ― Theresa Breslin, Remembrance
To the 115th United States Congress: There’s something we need to address. We are facing the greatest healthcare crisis of our attire lives. The recent House vote was a sock to the gut. They — very shorts-ightedly — gartered enough votes to repeal the ACA. Kicking 24 million people off insurance is sarong! --Annica Eagle 2017
O'Henry's best trait was pun-ctuality.
..........But I got debts that no honest man can pay........Bruce Springsteen & E Street Band …..Atlantic City
^^^ The average dairy cow produces seven gallons of milk a day, 2,100 pounds of milk a month, and 46,000 glasses of milk a year.
Worthless Fact of the Week: The heart of the shrimp is located in its head. --ll
Wicked Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Turns out my top 3 hobbies are: 1) Eating at restaurants 2) Going to nonessential businesses, and 3) Touching my face. --Submitted by nrith
Weird Word of the Week: Usufructuary – right of temporary possession and enjoyment of something that belongs to somebody else. Many Native American groups hold land on a usufruct basis, with rights to enjoy the renewable natural resources of the land for hunting and fishing. http://www.worldwidewords.org/weirdwords/ww-usu1.htm
Wacky Uses for Common Products: Prevent your eyes from tearing while chopping onions. Chewing a piece of Wrigley's Spearmint Gum while peeling and chopping onions can help prevent your eyes from watering. http://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/wrigleys.html
Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Remember when you said I'd rather die than vote for Hiliary. Well, here we are.
Have you been reading volcanoes monthly? It’s a great magmazine. It’s taking a Krakatoa-d subjects, making a dormant discussion active. It’s really blowing up the newsstands! A Lava people have been reading it, obsidian amounts of people --Caitlin Teasdale 2017
It was O'Henry who teamed with Richard Rodgers to write My Punny Valentine.
...........You can't start a fire without a spark........Bruce Springsteen & E Street Band …..Dancing In The Dark
^^^^ One pound of wool can make 10 miles of yarn. There are 150 yards (450 feet) of wool yarn in a baseball.
Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Marijuana is legal. Haircuts are not. It took fifty years, but the hippies have finally won. --Submitted by pj of ks
Science Fiction Convention Joke of the Week: Yoda was the guest of honor at this year's Star Wars Convention. When asked why episodes 4,5, & 6 were released before episodes 1, 2, & 3 he answered: In charge of the schedule I was.
Actual Science Convention Joke of the Week: A mathematician, an engineer, and a computer scientist are traveling together to a technology conference. They are riding in a car, enjoying the countryside, when suddenly the engine stops working. The mathematician: "We came past a gas station a few minutes ago. Someone should go back and ask for help." The engineer: "I should have a look at the engine. Perhaps, I can fix it." The computer scientist: "Why don't we just open the doors, slam them shut, and see if everything works again?"
Puck the Brave Episode of the Week: Here's our fearless Puck with a wild look in his eye in the case of the Bewildered Beauceron.

You know what really bugs me about our electoral system? There’s always so many blood-sucking parasites – all these poly-ticks! And last election, we had to choose between the lesser of two weevils! In the end, Trump won, and orange you glad he did? The Republicans invited him to comb over to their side, and even then, he only won by a hair. --Diana Gruber 2017
O'Henry played college football, he was the punter.
..........Nowhere to run ain't got nowhere to go........Bruce Springsteen & E Street Band …..Born In The USA
^^^^^ Soybeans are an important ingredient for the production of crayons. In fact, one acre of soybeans can produce 82,368 crayons
Month of the Week: May is National Bike Month –As a child, Trump buried bicycle wheels in the pansy bed in order to grow bike tires. / The sculptor who made this Madonna out of bicycle parts is named Cycleangelo.
Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit? He used praypal. --Submitted by 50nog
Today's Peace of History, May 15, 1869: The National Woman Suffrage Association was created in response to a split in the American Equal Rights Association over whether the woman's movement should support the Fifteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution. Its founders, Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton, opposed the Fifteenth Amendment unless it included the vote for women.
It feels like our country is on trial so here is my OPUNNING STATEMENT. I’m calling you out, Trump. You say that you’re the President but you’re taking us over ALLEGE like we slipped on APPEAL and we’re not going to LAWYER round and take it. --Toby Miceli-Gwiazdowski
It's hard to try to be funny in really hard times, punemployment, pundemic, leaves us all puniless.
..........There was nothing you could do........Bruce Springsteen & E Street Band …..My Hometown
Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle, May 15, 2020, Pundamental ePistle. Peace, Love, and Groaners Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047
Moonbeam: Human life itself may be almost pure chaos, but the work of the artist is to take these handfuls of confusion and disparate things, things that seem to be irreconcilable, and put them together in a frame to give them some kind of shape and meaning. --Katherine Anne Porter
Cost of War:
As of 5/14/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,026,898,238,451.
As of 5/7/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,024,915,033,319.
As of 5/14/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $966,426,060,971.
As of 5/7/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $965,078,247,946.
As of 5/14/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $764,592,828,780.
As of 5/7/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $762,898,443,2445.
As of 5/14/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $329,407,491,717.
As of 5/7/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $329,022,390,875.
As of 5/14/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,087,325,438.930.
As of 5/7/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,081,915,190.329.
It was the fact that I didn't want to kill anyone. I wasn't put on this earth to murder my fellow man. I'd grown up with violence - can't you see that? I can't bear it.” ― John Boyne, Stay Where You Are and Then Leave
Famous Last Words: Now I can cross the shifting sands. --L Frank Baum's dying words
..........The moon is high and here I am........Bruce Springsteen & E Street Band …..The Long Goodbye
Hope you've enjoyed this pundle of homespun puns.
Your eph-Emerald works give your Ma Turquoise to drink Quartz of ink. Jewel Ruby-ing low Cassiterite Onyx surface, But jabs Sardonyx serve no purpose. Don’t act a Fool’s Gold me if you Muscovite Olivine Opals Ore for a ci-Garnet-flix night. I’ll be at the convent on Co-Malachites I’ll fly. A bien-Topaz to you. --Kate Howard 2017
May Peace seed your path
And Joy light your way
prairie mama
christine


Last Laugh:

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Friday, May 8, 2020

ePistle Posted

Famous First Words: By a joint resolution... Woodrow Wilson's Mother's Day Declaration
Happy Birthday Post Office!!! "I need to send a telegram." The Postmaster says "OK, what is it?" The dog says "I need it to say, Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof." The Postmaster counts the words and says "Well, for the same price, I can put 3 more "woofs" in for you." The dog looks at him and says "But then it wouldn't make any sense. And Happy Birthday to the Westminster Dog Show Too! / Never get stuck behind the devil in a Post Office queue for the devil takes many forms.
..........There's a bright golden haze on the meadow.........Oscar Hammerstein …...O What A Beautiful Morning (Oklahoma)
Number one, that it is smart to communicate and negotiate with your enemy instead of just waging war with bombs and weapons of mass destruction. --Theodore Sorensen
It is a beautiful Friday morning. The sky is a flat, pale blue with only an occasional fluffy white cloud drifting by. A 49°F temperature is a little chilly and a 15 mile an hour wind makes me remember the earlier spring. Birdsong dominates the air, presenting several levels from several species for matins full and rich. Puck sits in my chair looking out the ajar door until the cool seeps in a we close it completely. Sun brings out the rich greens and yellows in the yard then a passing cloud filters the colors briefly only to make them shine the brighter when the sunshine returns. I go to the kitchen to fix myself a cup of Moose Munch with cream and sweetener while Puck contemplates the morning ultimately falling back to sleep. But I don't care; I inhale the aroma of chocolate and popcorn and sit down to write to you. Can't get much better.
Hope your weekend really delivers, ePistliers.
First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I've been washing my hands so much that I uncovered a nightclub stamp from 25 years ago. --Submitted by ss of kc
After Hogwarts Harry Potter got a job at the Post Office. Because he's a Parcelmouth. / The Post Office hired me to find innovative ways to mail things. My job is pushing the envelope.
..........Every flower and tree is a treat to see........Oscar Hammerstein …...A Hundred Million Miracles (Flower Drum Song)
Trivia Questions: 40 years ago today we said good-bye to smallpox. I haven't missed it (them?) once.
^ What sort of nasty little critter caused smallpox?
^^ How did smallpox spread from person to person?
^^^ Because there are currently no cases of smallpox anywhere in the world, what would be considered an outbreak?
^^^^ How is smallpox treated?
^^^^^ Have there been any smallpox cases since 1980?
Poem of the Week: A mob of the MAGA persuasion / Conducted a statehouse invasion / Though heavily armed / They parted unharmed / And that's how we know they're Caucasian. --Submitted by sb of ar
Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: What are murder hornets and how much toilet paper do we need to buy? --Submitted by inrith
Fake Library Statistic of the Week: At commencement ceremonies 47% of library school programs confer an honorary MLS to a rescue cat from the local shelter. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts
It took so long for women to be hired by the Post Office because it is a mail dominated industry. / Why did the doctor call the post office? He needed help delivering a baby.
..........I fear I fool myself as well........Oscar Hammerstein …...Whistle A Happy Tune (The King And I)
Moonbeam: The freedom of all is essential to my freedom. --Mikhail Bakunin
Naturally Occurring Mandala of the Week: Rot Khol

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I've decided that the expression “more fully-assed” is a great improvement over “Not quite so half-asssed”. --Submitted by dr of oh
Week of the Week: National Tourism Week (3-9) – Cruise Deal – Buy one week, get 2 free. Promo Code: Corona / I owe the Jurassic Park franchise an apology, it is in fact very realistic that the rich would reopen a park in spite of it consistently resulting in mass death.
A woman goes to the post office for stamps for Christmas cards. She asks the cashier for stamps and the cashier replies, “What denomination?” The woman thinks for a moment and responds, “I’ll take six Catholic, twelve Methodist, and thirty-two Mormon, please.” / I was going to make a post office joke; but I just don't have the right delivery.
..........I am starry eyed and vaguely discontented.........Oscar Hammerstein …...It Might As Well Be Spring (State Fair)
^ Smallpox is caused by the variola virus. When smallpox was common, it had two main forms: variola major and variola minor. Both forms caused similar skin rashes, but the minor form was much less deadly. Variola major killed about 3 in 10 people infected with it.
Almanac: It is Friday, May 8, 2020. The moon was full (Flower) yesterday and is in Sagittarius. The UN has designated this the Time of Remembrance & Reconciliation for Those Who Lost Their Lives During WWII. (8th & 9th). It is also Free Trade Day, National Animal Disaster Preparedness Day, No Socks Day, V.E. Day, World Ovarian Cancer Day, World Red Cross/Red Crescent Day, Child Care Provider Day, Fintastic Friday: Giving Sharks a Voice, and Military Spouse Appreciation Day (always the Friday before Mother's Day). In Helston, England it is Furry Day. México celebrates Hidalgo Day. Missouri remembers Harry S Truman's Birthday (1884). Norway and Czechosolovakia both commemorate Liberation Day; and finally Ribe, Denmark observes Stork Day.
Among those born on this day were Edward Gibbon (1737), Miguel Hidalgo y Castilla (1753), Mikhail Alexandrovich Bakunin (1814), Jean Henri Dunant (1828), Oscar Hammerstein (1846), Louis Madelin (1871), Harry S. Truman (1884), Ezio Pinza (1892), Fulton Sheen (1895), Jan F van Hall (1899), Mary Lou Williams (1910), Robert Johnson (1911), Don Rickles (1926), Theodore Sorensen (1928), Gary Snyder (Japhy Ryder, 1930), Sonny Liston (1934), James Darren (1936), Thomas Pynchon (1937), Rick Nelson (Eric Hilliard, 1940), Peter Benchley (1940), Euclid "Motorhead" Sherwood (1942), Toni Tennille (1943), Alex Van Halen (1955), and Melissa Gilbert (1964).
On May eighth Coddington founded Newport (RI, 1639), the US established a military draft (1792), the US Post Office was established (1794), the rubber tire was patented (1847), John Brown held an antislavery convention (Chatham, Canada, 1858), the first Westminster Dog Show opened (1877), Sweden abolished capital punishment (1921), Dumbarton Oaks premiered (1938), the first eye bank opened (NYC, 1944), and WHO announced that smallpox had been eradicated (1980).
Night Sky, 5/4: The waning gibbous Moon rises in the east-southeast around 10 pm daylight-saving time, depending on where you live in your time zone. Once it's well up, look to its right or lower right for Antares, twinkling pale orange. Around and to the upper right of Antares are lesser, whiter stars of upper Scorpius. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/
Max Picture of the Week: Max and daddy's quarantine beard.

This Week: Saturday, May 9 – American Indian Day & International Migratory Bird Day & Mother Ocean Day
Sunday, May 10 – Clean Your Room Day & National Hamster Day & Mother's Day
Night Sky, 5/10: Summer is still six weeks away, but the Summer Triangle is beginning to make its appearance in the east, one star after another. The first in view is bright Vega. It's already visible low in the northeast as twilight fades. Next up is Deneb, lower left of Vega by two or three fists at arm's length. Deneb takes about an hour to appear after Vega does, depending on your latitude. The third is Altair, which shows up far to their lower right by midnight.
Monday, May 11 – National Women's Check-up Day & Eat What You Want Day
Tuesday, May 12 – Hug Your Cat Day & Limerick Day & Native American Rights Day
Wednesday, May 13 – Donate A Day's Wages to Charity & Frog Jumping Day & Receptionists Day
Night Sky, 5/13: Three zero-magnitude stars shine after dark in May: Arcturus high in the southeast, Vega much lower in the northeast, and Capella in the northwest (upper right of Venus). They appear so bright because each is at least 60 times as luminous as the Sun.
Thursday, May 14 – National Chicken Dance Day & National Decency Day & Underground America Day
These days everyone is talking about the post office; but nobody ever talks about the pre office. / So I got a phone call from the post office today...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".
..........Let me go 'way from the white man boss.........Oscar Hammerstein …...Old Man River (Showboat)
^^ Smallpox is spread through close contact with a person who has symptoms of the disease. After a person is exposed to or comes in contact with the smallpox virus, there is an incubation period of about 10 to 14 days. During this time it causes no symptoms and the person is not infectious. Once the first sores appear in the person's mouth and throat (early rash stage) he or she is contagious.
'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: You can fairly judge a man based on what movies he knows Tim Curry from. --Submitted by Fifty Nerds of Grey (FNOG)
Moonbeam: From the naturalistic point of view, all men are equal. There are only two exceptions to this rule of naturalistic equality: geniuses and idiots. --Michael Bakunin
Late Night Snacks of the Week: As several states began tentative, and risky, reopening measures, Donald Trump held a town hall at the Lincoln Memorial on Sunday night exclusively for Fox News – which makes sense because Trump is constantly either in a state of watching Fox or appearing on Fox or watching himself appearing on Fox. Eventually Fox is just going to turn into a 24/7 feed of Drumpf watching himself on Fox like an infinity mirror. --Seth Meyers / Goddamn, only in America do protests start with storming the Capitol with assault rifles. I mean, did you try calling? Writing a letter? Usually the armed rebellion is the last step. --Trevor Noah / Think of it like this: if our goal was to eat an Italian dinner, we’re currently stuck in traffic on the way to an Olive Garden. We’re not even halfway to arriving at the worst place that technically qualifies --John Oliver / Here’s the thing: Trump doesn’t want everything to go back to normal because we’re ready for it to go back to normal; he wants everything to go back to normal because he’s bored. Indeed, Trump told reporters this week that he’s been in the White House for months and would “like to get out”. Mr President, we would all like to get you out of the White House, --Stephen Colbert / another reason to be scared of going back to work is that “all of our offices definitely belong to the roaches now”. --Samantha Bee / Clearly he did not wear a mask. Is this really a surprise? If there’s one thing we know from Stormy Daniels it’s that wearing protection isn’t his No 1 concern. --Jimmy Kimmel
Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: The Pentagon has now officially released these cockpit videos showing what they are calling encounters with UFOs. They're real. They're real. How refreshing at a time when we long for physical contact that somebody - somebody - is willing to get right up close and probe us. So they didn't land none of these things. But would you? We're basically the galaxy's version of a gas station bathroom. Go if you have to, but try not to touch anything. --Peter Sagal Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me 5/2/20
I'm simply saying that there are advantages in sending a skilled diplomat who can always say, “I”ll get back to you on that, Mr. Minister”. --Theodore Sorensen
I was in line at the Post Office and this old man in front of me kept shouting into a manila envelope. When he finally got to the window, he said he wanted to send a voice mail. / What do the post office and the San Francisco 49ers have in common? They don't deliver on Sunday
..........Before you are six or seven or eight.........Oscar Hammerstein …...You've Got To Be Carefully Taught (South Pacific)
^^^ One confirmed case of smallpox would be considered a public health emergency.
Worthless Fact of the Week: During early colonial times in the 1600s, few American colonists needed to send mail to each other; it was more likely that their correspondence was with letter writers in Britain. Mail deliveries from across the Atlantic were sporadic and could take many months to arrive. There were no post offices in the colonies, so mail was typically left at inns and taverns.
Wicked Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Murder Hornets, but with the right lawyer, Manslaughter Bees. --Ssubmitted by ma of va
Weird Word of the Week: Taradiddle – a minor lie, a fib http://www.worldwidewords.org/weirdwords/ww-tar1.htm
Wacky Uses for Common Products: Adhere plastic bathroom tiles. If a tile comes loose, put a little piece of chewed Wrigley's Spearmint Gum on each corner and press back in place. http://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/wrigleys.html
Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Don't panic, but can someone check if the dolphins are still here? --Submitted by nd of mo
How stupid are the people at the Post Office. The woman at the window said my parcel was too heavy and that I needed to put more stamps on it. Yeah, like that's gonna make it lighter. / What starts with the letter P and has a baillion letters in it? a POST OFFICE
...........Like a pack of angry wolves on the trail.........Oscar Hammerstein …...The Mounties (Rose Marie)
^^^^ Currently, no treatment is available to cure smallpox, but the disease can be prevented with the smallpox vaccine. Medicine can also be given to help ease symptoms and treat any bacterial infections that may occur. Smallpox infection with variola major is fatal in up to 30% of those who get it. Research is ongoing to find a medicine that can be used to treat smallpox.
Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Forget about getting all my ducks in a row...I'd settle for getting them in the same pond. --Submitted by inrith
Science Fiction Convention Joke of the Week: Three guys go to a Star Wars convention. They all chip in to get a luxury suite on the 75th floor and they have a great day at the convention. When it closes down and it's time to go back to the room, they realize the elevator is broken and they have to walk up 75 flights of stairs so the one guy says"OK I got an idea for the first 25 floors I'll tell jokes since I'm good At telling jokes and since Jim is really good at singing he'll be singing for the next 25 floors and Frank is great at telling scary stories he'll tell them for the final 25 floors. So they all agree to this idea and for the first 25 floors they were cracking jokes. For the next 25 floors Jim was singing and everyone was having a good time. When it gets to Frank's turn and he says"for my first scary story I left the key to the room in the van"
Actual Science Convention Joke of the Week: Heisenberg is driving to a physics convention to show off his new Uncertainty Principle On the way he observes the speedometer, and finds himself lost.
Puck the Brave Episode of the Week: Here's our fearless Puck guarding 2 small pieces of cheese from his partner Justice in the case of the Provolone Pomeranian.

I got a letter that was just addressed “The Idiot”. What bothers me is that the Post Office knew where to deliver it. / A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny. This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home. He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller pieces. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send. The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs a dressing".
..........Walk on with hope in your heart........Oscar Hammerstein …...You'll Never Walk Alone (Carousal)
^^^^^ Thanks to the success of vaccination, the last natural outbreak of smallpox in the US occurred in 1949. In 1980, the World Health Assembly declared smallpox eradicated (eliminated), and no cases of naturally occurring smallpox have happened since.
Month of the Week: May is National Barbecue Month --“Mmmmmmm. This all reminds me of Fred. His motto was, “Low and slow.” “He was seriously into barbecue, huh?” “No, unfortunately, he was a pilot “ / How do you know when there's a vegetarian at your bbq? They'll tell you.
Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: The WHO and CDC now recommend that we all wear blindfolds along with our masks to protect us from seeing what's really going on. --Submitted by RHOZ
Today's Peace of History, May 8, 1961: An estimated 9 million people in Belgium participated in a ten-minute work stoppage to protest nuclear weapons.
Sarah almost forgot to mail a birthday card to her best friend. She hurried into the Post Office with a card and asks the postal service worker for a first-class stamp. “Do I have to put this stamp on myself?” she asks. “No,” the postal employee replies. “You can put it right on the envelope.”
..........Make it happy an' be happy as you make it..........Oscar Hammerstein …..Keep It Gay (Me & Juliet)
Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle May 8, 2020, Epistle Posted. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Laughs, Love, and Stamps. Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047
Moonbeam: Idealism is the despot of thought, just as politics is the despot of will. --Michael Bakunin
Cost of War:
As of 5/7/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,024,915,033,319.
As of 4/30/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,022,969,576,231.
As of 5/7/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $965,078,247,946.
As of 4/30/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $963,756,075,817.
As of 5/7/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $762,898,443,2445.
As of 4/30/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $761,236,284,418.
As of 5/7/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $329,022,390,875.
As of 4/30/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $328,644,621,179.
As of 5/7/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,081,915,190.329.
As of 4/30/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,076,607,314,046.
Above all, we shall wage no more unilateral, ill-planned, ill-considered, and ill-prepared invasions of foreign countries that pose no actual threat to our security. --Theodore Sorensen
Famous Last Words: Streams and mountains never stay the same. Gary Snyder Endless Streams and Mountains
..........I flit, I float, I fleetly flee, I fly........Oscar Hammerstein …...So Long, Farewell (Sound of Music)
Scientists have found a way to slow down the speed of light. They shine it through a Post Office. / Stamps. They sit in the corner and do nothing all day and somehow still travel all over the world.
May Peace protect you
And Joy surround you
prairie mama
christine


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Friday, May 1, 2020

ePistle May Day

Famous First Words: What hath God wrought? --Samuel Morse, the first telegraph message sent (DC to Baltimore)
Happy May Day! Blessed Beltane! Jovial Walpurgis Night! May first is also International Labor or Workers Day ! Let's celebrate workers' rights this May Day by wasting time at work looking up what May Day Is. / This International Labor Day, let’s salute American corporations for keeping the Chinese gainfully employed.
..........Work all night on a drink of rum.........Harry Belafonte …..Day-O
The greatest challenge of the day is: how to bring about a revolution of the heart, a revolution which has to start with each one of us? --Dorothy Day
It is a spectacular Friday morning. 57°F is just cool enough for a sweater. The sun is bright and golden, enlightening everything thing is touches with beauty. Lines of small puffy clouds made of decaying jet trails fill the sky. Bird song is everywhere – background conversations of multi-bird groups and the occasional single Phew, phew of some unseen larger species. Very little vehicle noise, no car doors slamming or motors gunning. It is altogether pleasant; and yet my breath fails me and we must return to the house. The house has the pleasant smell of Moose Munch and disinfectant. Puck waits while I fix my coffee and pour him a small dish of ½ and ½ which he slurps noisily. I inhale the aromatic steam that clears my sinuses and inflates my mood. Why, what a wonderful time to sit down and write to you.
May your weekend be blessed with all the pleasures of spring, ePistliers
First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Alarming report suggests Americans can't go much longer without jobs and haircuts before becoming hippies. --Submitted by mm of kc
May First is Batman Day !! There are 492 billionaires on this planet and not one of those losers has decided to become Batman. / The career counselor told me to dress for the job I want not the one I have. So now I'm in the unemployment office dressed like Batman.
..........Isn't it rich? Isn't it queer?.........Judy Collins …..Send in the Clowns
Trivia Questions: Happy Dandelion Day !
^ Any idea what the fancy science name is for dandelions?
^^ Do bees pollinate dandelions?
^^^ What parts of the dandelion plant are useful?
^^^^ Care to guess how many species of dandelions there are?
^^^^^ The dandelion has what distinction among all the plants on the planet?
Big Hello: Saluton – Esperanto https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm
Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Is is further to LA or on Tuesday?
Coronavirus Joke of the Week: Pestilence to leave Four Horsemen of Apocalypse to Concentrate on Solo Career. --nm of ks
Fake Library Statistic of the Week: Pictures of authors on book jackets: -40% author with old car -40% author with dog -20% author with bored expression. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts
May First is Mariachi Day ! There is a new Mariachi band in town; they call themselves Juan Direction. / Cinco De Mayo – A Mariachi band sinking into the Hollandaise.
..........We'll take on the world and win........Rita Coolidge …..All Time High
Moonbeam: We are one, after all, you and I. Together we suffer, together exist, and forever will recreate each other. --Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
Naturally Occurring Mandala of the Week: Mayflower

That Clears That Up of the Week: A gathering of covidiots is known as a covfefe. --Submitted by nd of uk
Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: If your car is running, I'm voting for it. --Submitted by jd of ks
Week of the Week: It is Choose Privacy Week (1-7) – PRIVACY POLICY: We don't really know what data we have about you or what we're doing with it. When we figure all this out, we'll let you know.
May First is Mother Goose Day ! Hickory, dickory dock.. Mankind is on the clock. I greatly fear the end is near. Hickory, dickory dock. / How exactly did Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub become a nursery rhyme?
..........But she didn't bring the jailhouse key.........Harry Belafonte …..Sylvie
^ Dandelions are known as Taraxacum of the Asteraceae family which also contains the sunflower.
Almanac: It is Friday, May 1, 2020. The moon was first quarter yesterday and is in Leo. It is May Day, Amtrak Day, Beltane, Dandelion Days (1-2), Global Love Day, Keep Kids Alive - Drive 25 Day, Law Day, Lei Day, Mariachi Day (1-2), Mother Goose Day, National Purebred Dog Day, New Homeowner's Day, School Principals' Day, Silver Star Day, Stepmother Day, and Tuba Day. 66 nations celebrate Labor Day today. In Finland it is Vappu Day and in India it is Maharashtra Day (1960). Massachusetts has declared May 1st as Senior Citizens' Day (1963). Across the country it is Child Health Day and Dewey Day (Battle of Manila Bay, 1898). Finally, Turkey commemorates poet, Yunus Emre.
Among those born on this day were Philippe III (1245), Paracelsus (1493), Marco da Galiano (1582), Joseph Addison (1672), George Guest (1771), Jose Amador de los Rios (1818), George Inness (1825), Mother Jones (1830), Calamity Jane (Martha Burke, 1852), Pierre Teilhard de Chardin (1881), Kate Smith (1907), Glenn Ford (1916), Jack Paar (1916), Dan O'Herlihy (1919), Louis Nye (1922), Joseph Heller (1922), Art Fleming (1924), Patricia Roberts Harris (1924), Terry Southern (1924), Harry Belafonte (1927), Little Walter (1930), Judy Collins (1929), Rita Coolidge (1944), and Ray Parker Jr. (1954).
On May first England, Wales, and Scotland formed the United Kingdom (1707), the first new world cricket match was played (1751), Sheridan's School for Scandal premiered in London (1777), the first adhesive postage stamps were issued (Penny Blacks, 1840), the first telegraph message was sent (1844), John Geary became San Francisco's first mayor (1850), Argentina adopted its constitution (1853), the American Equal Rights Association formed (1866), Howard University was chartered (1867), the Folies-Bergere opened in Paris (1869), the Vienna World's Fair opened (1873), Buffalo Bill Cody's first wild west show opened (1883), the first International Workers Day was held (1889), the Pan American Exposition opened in Buffalo (1901), Satchel Paige made his pitching debut (1926), the Empire State Building opened (1931), The Catholic Worker newspaper was founded (Dorothy Day & Peter Maurin, 1933), Batman comics hit the streets (1939), Citizen Kane premiered (1941), Cheerios went on sale (1941), Mickey Mantle hit his first major league homerun (1951), Castro ended elections in Cuba (1961), Pirate Radio Station 259 (England/France) began transmitting (1969), the Marshall Islands became self-governing (1979), the World's Fair opened in Knoxville (1982), and Nolan Ryan pitched his record 7th no hitter (1991).
Night Sky, 5/1: As the stars come out this evening, look for Regulus below the Moon. The next brightest star in Leo's Sickle is yellow-orange Gamma Leonis http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/
Max Picture of the Week: Even chefs have to stop and eat now and then. FYI: he's better at chopsticks than I am

This Week: Saturday, May 2 – Play Outside Day & World Tuna Day & Free Comic Book Day
Sunday, May 3 – Lemonade Day & Rural Life Sunday & National Textiles Day
Monday, May 4 – Intergalactic Star Wars Day & International Firefighters Day & World Give Day
May The Fourth Be With You
Night Sky, 5/4: The Eta Aquarid Meteor Shower is predicted to peak in the very early morning of the 5th. 10-30 per hour
Tuesday, May 5 – Cinco de Mayo & Silence the Shame Day & Foster Care Day
Wednesday, May 6 – Great American Grump Out & National Deaf Interpreter Day & National Golf Day & No Housework Day
Night Sky, 5/6: Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn shine in the southeast before dawn. Neptune is barely risen in the east as dawn begins.
Thursday, May 7 – Cosmopolitan Day & National Day of Prayer & National Day of Reason
May First is Tuba Day ! Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the tuba recital. / What's a tuba for? 1½ x 3½ lumber.
..........Moons and Junes and ferries wheels.........Judy Collins …..Both Sides Now
^^ Dandelion flowers do not need to be pollinated to form seeds.
'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: All our dogs think we quit our jobs to spend more time with them. All our cats think we got fired for being the loser they always knew we were. --Submitted by nrith
Moonbeam: God almighty made women and the Rockefeller gang of thieves made the ladies. --Mother Jones
Late Night Snacks of the Week: It’s not enough that his supporters are all white on the outside. --Stephen Colbert / This is maybe the first time in documented history that we’ve seen someone not-thinking out loud. Injecting disinfectants into your body? This is the problem when the dumbest person in the room thinks they’re the smartest person. I almost don’t even blame Trump, because there’s no way he even understands what bleach is. --Trevor Noah / I’ve gotta be honest, when we went on hiatus a week ago, I did not expect that when I came back I’d be talking about the president suggesting using disinfectants and powerful lights to cure coronavirus, but then again, that’s on me. I should have expected it. We should all know by now: Trump will be more outlandish with each passing week because that’s his nature. You have two renowned scientists working with you. Why are you pitching ideas like a sixth-century druid? --Seth Meyers / Unfortunately, many of those who support Trump are perfectly happy to ingest disinfectant products if the president tells them to do it. Even the makers of Lysol had to issue a warning. I think this might be the first president ever to embarrass a cleaning product. --Jimmy Kimmel
Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: Urban planners in Austria have created a new city park concept designed to keep visitors six feet apart at all times. The park is basically a giant labyrinth made of hedges, which is a great way to avoid strangers and a terrible place to play fetch with your dog. The design has already attracted some attention. Who wouldn't want to go to a park where everybody has to stay away from you? And a park focused on keeping away from other people is an improvement over our current parks, where you're focused on keeping away from the trash cans full of bees. --Peter Sagal Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me 4/25/20
The scholars must become workers so the workers may be scholars. --Peter Maurin

..........Hear the whisper of the raindrops.........Rita Coolidge …..For The Good Times
^^^ Every part of the dandelion is useful: root, leaves, flower. It can be used for food, medicine, and dye. Dandelion can be used in the production of wine and root beer. Root of dandelion can be used as a substitute for coffee. Dandelions are high in calcium, iron, and vitamins A and C.
Worthless Fact of the Week: William F. Cody first appeared on the stage in Chicago on December 11, 1872. Afterward, he founded his production in Omaha, Nebraska, in 1883; a show that would run, in one form or another, for the next three decades, charming crowds throughout the United States and Europe.
Wicked Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Do not under any circumstance take a disinfectant if you are currently taking Windex for windmill cancer. Submitted by sb of ar
Weird Word of the Week: Sitooterie – a summer house or gazebo (Scottish) http://www.worldwidewords.org/weirdwords/ww-sit1.htm
Wacky Uses for Common Products: Keep meal worms and other pests away from pasta. Place a few sticks of wrapped Wriggleys spearmint gum on the shelf near open packages of noodles, macaroni, or spaghetti. Spearmint repels these household pests. http://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/wrigleys.html
Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: What wine pairs best with living in a dystopian nightmare? --Submitted by ae of kc
May first is Law Day ! The fact is, the peck of picked peppers you, Peter Piper, picked was on private property. / I thought I was guilty until my lawyer straightened me out on that.
...........She take me money and run Venezuela.........Harry Belafonte …..Matilda
^^^^ There are about 100 species of dandelion, and all are beneficial.
Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: As warmer weather arrives do we dig out our shorts or do we cut the legs off our pajamas? Asking for a friend. --Submitted by ss of kc
Science Fiction Convention Joke of the Week: Did you hear about the Lord of the Rings fan who turned down an invitation to a Conan Con? He didn't want to a Tolkien minority.
Actual Science Convention Joke of the Week: I hated working as a valet at the anti-vaxxer convention. All i got was bunch of measly tips!
Puck the Brave Episode of the Week: Here's our fearless Puck still in his winter grooming watching Dandelions on Dandelion Day.

May first is School Principal Day ! No, Mrs Jones I'm not saying your son is a bad child; I'm saying he is gifted at disruptive behavior. / No, Kelli, no one squealed on you. I saw your prank on facebook.
..........So blow you ol' blue northern, blow my love to me.........Judy Collins …..Some Day Soon
^^^^^ Dandelions are, quite possibly, the most successful plants that exist, masters of survival worldwide. If you mow dandelions, they’ll grow shorter stalks to spite you.
Month of the Week: May is National Barbecue Month –People from Kansas City say that BBQ from anywhere else is a just group of people waiting for a haircut. / My granddaughter said she wanted a Barbie for her birthday so I smoked her some ribs.
Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: The only way Missouri should reopen is under new management. --Submitted by mm of kc
Today's Peace of History, May 1, 1887: May Day was called Emancipation Day in 1886 when 340,000 went on strike (though it was Saturday it was a regular day of work) in Chicago for the 8-hour workday.
May first is Stepmother Day ! 9 out of 10 kids get their awesomeness from a stepmom. / Of all the evil stepmothers in the world, I'm glad I got you.
..........I'll keep waiting.........Rita Coolidge …..One Fine Day
Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle May 1, 2020, Mayday ePistle. Cackles, Calm, and Calendars. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047
Moonbeam: If my life has any meaning at all, it is that those who start out as outcasts can wind up as being part of the system. - Patricia Roberts Harris
Cost of War:
As of 4/30/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,022,969,576,231.
As of 4/23/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,020,980,133,196.
As of 4/30/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $963,756,075,817.
As of 4/23/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $962,403,919,550.
As of 4/30/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $761,236,284,418.
As of 4/23/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $759,536,590,206.
As of 4/30/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $328,644,621,179.
As of 4/23/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $328,258,299,243.
As of 4/30/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,076,607,314,046.
As of 4/23/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,071,179,812,129.
We must talk about poverty, because people insulated by their own comfort lose sight of it. --Dorothy Day
Famous Last Words: Party Like It's Beltane !!
..........Sounds of laughter everywhere.........Harry Belafonte …..Jamaica Farewell
You may be a Techno-Pagan if your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group. / You might be a techno-pagan if you end your circle with Ctl-Alt-Del.
May Peace light your bonfire
And Joy dance by your side
prairie mama
christine


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