Famous
First Words: In the name of the most holy and undivided
trinity.... Peace Treaty of Paris
This
year the O'Henry Pun Off was Put Off punding the end of the Punoramic
Pundemic. So we'll just have to recycle last year's
pundamonium...This is dedicated to my wife, who is from
Wisconsin. She’s not been feeling dairy well, and she’s rather
feta up with the isolation. I told her I didn’t give edam about the
cost, I wanted to show her a gouda time. --Jake Morrison 2017
Puns
about puns are punishingly bad.
..........I
wanna know if love is wild.........Bruce Springsteen & E Street
Band …..Born To Run
“No
thank-you; you can't overcome hatred with more hatred. Force can kill
the liar but not the lie, the hater but not the hate, and the violent
but not the violence. Hate begets hate, violence begets violence, and
war begets war.” ― Joss Sheldon, 'Involution
& Evolution': A rhyming anti-war novel
It
is a warm (66°F), gray Friday morning. The sky is a slate gray
without variation or texture. Clouds are so thick the light itself is
dimmed and shadowy. A breeze gently saves the willow branches in a
graceful slow dance. An affliction of starlings is making its way
from backyard to backyard looking for breakfast and discussing the
morning news. There are other birds about, but they are silent,
listening to the chatter of the bigger, blacker birds. I have left
the backdoor open slightly ajar for us to appreciate the season, but
Puck finds things that annoy him and he barks at what appears to be
nothing at all. So I close the door and he drinks his morning bowl of
milk and settles into his bed for an early morning nap. It's a dog's
life. I fix myself a cup of Moose Munch, warm, creamy, sweet, and
strong. I lift the cup to my face and breathe in the fragrant mist to
clear the night from my mind and replace it with a picture of your
face. How pleasant.
Hey,
ePistliers, hope your weekend puns the gambit.
First
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: The Illuminati has planted
facial recognition cameras everywhere. Only wearing a cloth face
covering in public can stop them from tracking you. Tell Everyone.
--Submitted by rl of ca
One
day I went to MEET a BEEFy guy named CHUCK. “Thanks for coming
BISON,” he said. He’d been BACON a pie and offered me a slice. He
wanted to TACOver something with me. He asked me, “You want to go
to VENICE-SON?” He had an idea to rob a British nobleman named Sir
LLOYN at his Italian estate. --Chris McNett 2017
Do
you have something against puns? No, I'm not homophonic.
..........I
just can't face myself alone again........Bruce Springsteen & E
Street Band …..Thunder Road
Trivia
Questions: Happy Birthday to the US Agriculture Department!
^
About how many people are employed in the agriculture industry in the
US?
^^
About how many breeds of sheep are there in the US?
^^^
About how much milk does a cow produce per day?
^^^^
About how much yarn does a pound of wool make?
^^^^^
About how many crayons can an acre of soybeans make?
Big
Hello:
БЗИa Зϭωa – Abkhaz (Republic of Georgia)
https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm
Second
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: If
this were 1692, some of you would be completely convinced that
witches were to blame for this and it shows. --Submitted by nd
Fake
Library Statistic of the Week:
Names of librarian home networks: 10% Author Names / 18% A cat
(living or deceased) / 16% Ice Cream Flavors / 20% Characters from
literature / 36% Passive Aggressive swipe at the annoying neighbor
next door. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts
Batman
challenged me to a battle of the billionaires. Ha! I don’t want to
Bruce his ego, but he’s Wayne over his head. He
should just mind his Manors. He asked me to help him clean up
Gotham, but I’ve Bane there for like three months and no-one
is willing Two Face me. --Sean Casey 2017
O'Henry's
favorite movie, It's a Punderful Life.
..........You
better get it straight, darlin'........Bruce Springsteen & E
Street Band …..Badlands
Moonbeam:
It's a man's world, and you men can have it. --Katherine Anne Porter
Naturally
Occurring Mandala of the Week: Sticktight Flower
Next
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I
really don't mind getting old, but my body is taking it badly.
Week
of the Week: National Hospital Week
(10-16) --The coolest person in the hospital is the Ultra Sound
Tech. / A man goes to the hospital and says, “Doctor, I think I’m
a bit hard of hearing”. The doctor replies “Can you describe the
symptoms?” The man says “Sure. Marge has blue hair, Homer is fat
and bald”.
So
a little bird told me this story… but owl sparrow you the details.
The weather’s quite pheasant on this Hawk-tober day in Phoenix.
There’s a footrace going on, with a full rooster of competitors.
They stand at the starling line. The ref cocks his ibis-tol, says “on
your lark,” and flyers! Hen they’re off! --Arum Debray 2017
O'Henry
wanted to be an acu-pun-cturist.
..........I
got a union card and a wedding coat........Bruce Springsteen & E
Street Band …..The River
^
Agriculture is one of the United States’ most important industries,
employing more than 24 million workers or 17 percent of the country’s
total work force.
Almanac:
It is Friday, May 15, 2020. The moon was last quarter yesterday and
is in Pisces. The United Nations has declared this
International Day of Families. It is also Isra Al Mi'Raj, National
Chocolate Chip Cookie Day, International MPS Awareness Day, National
Tuberous Sclerosis Day, Nylon Stockings Day, Peace Officer Memorial
Day, and Straw Hat Day. In Austria it is Independence Day (1955).
Finally because it is the third Friday it is also Endangered Species
Day, O. Henry Pun-Off , NASCAR Day, National Bike to Work Day,
National Defense Transportation Day, and National Pizza Party Day.
Among
those born on this day were Glaudio Monteverdi (1567), L Frank Baum
(1856), Pierre Curie (1859), Bessie Hillman (1889), Kathernie Anne
Porter (1890), Richard J. Daley (1902), Clifton Fadiman (1904),
Joseph Cotten (1905), Richard Avedon (1923), Jasper Johns (1930),
Chazz Palminteri (1946), and George Brett (1953).
On
May fifteenth Anne Boleyn was accused of adultery (1536), Mary, Queen
of Scots, married the Earl of Bothwell (1567), Kepler discovered the
harmonics law (1618), Massachusetts enacted the first copyright law
(1672), the Peace Treaty of Paris was signed (France & Sardinia,
1796), John the Baptist ordained Joseph Smith (1829), the Department
of Agriculture was created (1862), the National Woman Suffrage
Association formed (1869), Kappa Alpha Psi incorporated (1911),
Mickey Mouse first appeared (1928), Nylon stockings went on sale
(1940), Rationing of gasoline began (1942), the Warsaw ghetto
uprising ended (1943), the Beach Boys release Carl
and the Passions: So Tough
(1972), the Harlem Globetrotters appear on Gilligan's
Island
(1981), and Nils Lofgren replaced Steve Van Zant in Springsteen's E
Street Band (1984)
Night
Sky,5/25:
A
naked-eye Venus challenge!
The
large, thin crescent of Venus is easy to see this coming week with
even a very small telescope or good, steadily braced binoculars. But
can you resolve its crescent with your unaided eyes? Mere 20/20
vision isn't good enough; success may await the eagle-eyed with
20/15, 20/12, 0r (rare) 20/10 vision. Try during different stages of
twilight. Look long and carefully and report your results to Sky
& Telescope's
Bob King, nightsky55@gmail.com
You may improve your chances by sighting through a clean, round hole
in a stiff piece of paper 1 mm or 2 mm in diameter (try both). This
will mask out optical aberrations that are common away from the
center of your eye's cornea and lens. One person who apparently
succeeded was Edgar Allan Poe. An amateur astronomer since boyhood,
he used a naked-eye sighting of Venus's crescent as the central event
in his poem "Ulalume" (1847)
http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/
Max
Picture of the Week:
Max and mom working from home.
This
Week: Saturday, May 16 – Armed
Forces Day & Biographer's Day & Do Dah Day
Sunday,
May 17 – World Hypertension Day
Night
Sky, 5/17 : These dark spring
evenings, the long, dim sea serpent Hydra snakes level far across the
southern sky. Find his head, a rather dim asterism about the width of
your thumb at arm's length, in the southwest. It's upper right of
Procyon, the brightest star due west, by about a fist and a half. The
brightest star of Hydra is Alphard, his 2nd-magnitude orange heart, a
fist and a half left of his head.
Monday,
May 18 – Buy A Musical Instrument Day & Supply Chain
Professional Day & Visit Your Relatives Day
Tuesday,
May 19 – May Ray Day & National Scooter Day
Wednesday,
May 20 – National Rescue Day & Weights & Measures
Day & World Bee Day
Thursday,
May 21 – End of the World Day & National Wait Staff Day
Night
Sky, 5/21:
Annular Solar Eclipse - The
annular phase of this solar
eclipse is visible from parts of Africa including the Central
African Republic, Congo, and Ethiopia; south of Pakistan and northern
India; and China. Weather
permitting, people in these areas will see the characteristic
ring of fire.
Tomorrow’s
Mother’s day, so give me a wide birth from this gestation,
period. Not to bore children, crown around, or
stirrup trouble, but to breech a little spermon
induce labor-ious minutes for my mom and all Lamaze newborn
not. I’m gonna trimester to come to term with it all,
but I’m tearing up already. Mom, thank you for giving me
womb to grow. --Southpaw Jones 2017
O'Henry
was great at puns but lousy at punctuation.
..........I
took a wrong turn and I just kept going........Bruce Springsteen &
E Street Band …..Hungry Heart
^^
There are 47 different breeds of sheep in the US.
'Nother
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week:
Atheists don't solve exponential equations; they don't believe in
higher powers. --Submitted by 50nerdsofgray
Moonbeam:
It is such a relief to be told the truth. --Katherine
Anne Porter
Late
Night Snacks of the Week: Wearing goggles in a
mask factory is like walking into the bedroom with a condom on your
nose. --Stephen Colbert / I gotta say that revolting against the
government because of brunch has got to be one of the whitest things
I've ever seen. This is like a kacki shorts sale at a hockey game.
--Trevor Noah / The pivot to Obama above
all else demonstrates how Republicans and Fox News would rather live
in an alternate universe where Obama was president and not Trump,
because then they could at least lie and tell themselves they were a
ragtag band of rebels instead of the marketing department for the
Death Star. --Seth Meyers / Despite Trump’s declaration Monday
that the US has “prevailed” over coronavirus, infectious disease
expert Dr Anthony Fauci warned Congress in a televised hearing on
Tuesday that reopening the country too soon would lead to “needless
suffering and death”, which I think is Trump’s new campaign
slogan, --Jimmy Kimmel
Not
So Late Night Snacks of the Week:
Major
fashion houses are now making masks, so now you don't only have to
worry about looking silly; you have to worry about looking cheap. And
it's one more thing that they'll be able to do on the red carpet with
all the stars who'll be wearing, you know, designer face masks.
First, who are you wearing? And second, who are you? --Peter Sagal
Wait,
Wait Don't Tell Me
I
am a human being who does not believe in killing my fellow man for
insufficient reason.” ― Theresa Breslin, Remembrance
To
the 115th United States Congress: There’s something we need to
address. We are facing the greatest healthcare crisis of our
attire lives. The recent House vote was a sock to the
gut. They — very shorts-ightedly — gartered enough
votes to repeal the ACA. Kicking 24 million people off insurance is
sarong! --Annica Eagle 2017
O'Henry's
best trait was pun-ctuality.
..........But
I got debts that no honest man can pay........Bruce
Springsteen & E Street Band …..Atlantic City
^^^
The average dairy cow produces seven gallons of milk a day, 2,100
pounds of milk a month, and 46,000 glasses of milk a year.
Worthless
Fact of the Week:
The heart of the shrimp is located in its head. --ll
Wicked
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week:
Turns out my top 3 hobbies are: 1) Eating at restaurants 2) Going to
nonessential businesses, and 3) Touching my face. --Submitted by
nrith
Weird
Word of the Week:
Usufructuary – right of temporary possession and enjoyment of
something that belongs to somebody else. Many Native American groups
hold land on a usufruct
basis, with rights to enjoy the renewable natural resources of the
land for hunting and fishing.
http://www.worldwidewords.org/weirdwords/ww-usu1.htm
Wacky
Uses for Common Products:
Prevent your eyes from tearing while chopping onions. Chewing a
piece of Wrigley's Spearmint Gum while peeling and chopping onions
can help prevent your eyes from watering.
http://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/wrigleys.html
Antepenultimate
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week:
Remember when you said I'd rather die than vote for Hiliary. Well,
here we are.
Have
you been reading volcanoes monthly? It’s a great magmazine. It’s
taking a Krakatoa-d subjects, making a dormant discussion active.
It’s really blowing up the newsstands! A Lava people have been
reading it, obsidian amounts of people --Caitlin Teasdale 2017
It
was O'Henry who teamed with Richard Rodgers to write My
Punny Valentine.
...........You
can't start a fire without a spark........Bruce
Springsteen & E Street Band …..Dancing In The Dark
^^^^
One pound of wool can make 10 miles of yarn. There are 150 yards (450
feet) of wool yarn in a baseball.
Penultimate
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week:
Marijuana is legal. Haircuts are not. It took fifty years, but the
hippies have finally won. --Submitted by pj of ks
Science
Fiction Convention Joke of the Week:
Yoda was the guest of honor at this year's Star Wars Convention. When
asked why episodes 4,5, & 6 were released before episodes 1, 2, &
3 he answered: In charge of the schedule I was.
Actual
Science Convention Joke of the Week: A mathematician, an
engineer, and a computer scientist are traveling together to a
technology conference. They are riding in a car, enjoying the
countryside, when suddenly the engine stops working. The
mathematician: "We came past a gas station a few minutes ago.
Someone should go back and ask for help." The engineer: "I
should have a look at the engine. Perhaps, I can fix it." The
computer scientist: "Why don't we just open the doors, slam them
shut, and see if everything works again?"
Puck
the Brave
Episode of the Week:
Here's our fearless Puck with a wild look in his eye in the case of
the Bewildered Beauceron.
You
know what really bugs me about our electoral system? There’s always
so many blood-sucking parasites – all these poly-ticks! And last
election, we had to choose between the lesser of two weevils! In the
end, Trump won, and orange you glad he did? The Republicans invited
him to comb over to their side, and even then, he only won by a hair.
--Diana Gruber 2017
O'Henry
played college football, he was the punter.
..........Nowhere
to run ain't got nowhere to go........Bruce
Springsteen & E Street Band …..Born In The USA
^^^^^
Soybeans are an important ingredient for the production of crayons.
In fact, one acre of soybeans can produce 82,368 crayons
Month
of the Week: May is National Bike Month
–As a child, Trump buried bicycle wheels in the pansy bed in order
to grow bike tires. / The sculptor who made this Madonna out of
bicycle parts is named Cycleangelo.
Final
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Did
Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit? He used praypal.
--Submitted by 50nog
Today's
Peace of History, May
15, 1869: The National Woman Suffrage
Association was created in response to a split in the American Equal
Rights Association over whether the woman's movement should support
the Fifteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution. Its
founders, Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton, opposed the
Fifteenth Amendment unless it included the vote for women.
It
feels like our country is on trial so here is my OPUNNING STATEMENT.
I’m calling you out, Trump. You say that you’re the President but
you’re taking us over ALLEGE like we slipped on APPEAL and we’re
not going to LAWYER round and take it. --Toby Miceli-Gwiazdowski
It's
hard to try to be funny in really hard times, punemployment,
pundemic, leaves us all puniless.
..........There
was nothing you could do........Bruce
Springsteen & E Street Band …..My Hometown
Masthead
of the Week:
Friday ePistle, May 15, 2020, Pundamental ePistle. Peace, Love, and
Groaners Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/
Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS
66047
Moonbeam:
Human life itself may be almost pure chaos, but the
work of the artist is to take these handfuls of confusion and
disparate things, things that seem to be irreconcilable, and put them
together in a frame to give them some kind of shape and meaning.
--Katherine Anne Porter
Cost
of War:
As
of 5/14/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,026,898,238,451.
As
of 5/7/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,024,915,033,319.
As
of 5/14/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $966,426,060,971.
As
of 5/7/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $965,078,247,946.
As
of 5/14/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $764,592,828,780.
As
of 5/7/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $762,898,443,2445.
As
of 5/14/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $329,407,491,717.
As
of 5/7/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $329,022,390,875.
As
of 5/14/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,087,325,438.930.
As
of 5/7/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,081,915,190.329.
It
was the fact that I didn't want to kill anyone. I wasn't put on this
earth to murder my fellow man. I'd grown up with violence - can't you
see that? I can't bear it.” ― John Boyne, Stay
Where You Are and Then Leave
Famous
Last Words: Now I can cross the shifting sands. --L Frank
Baum's dying words
..........The
moon is high and here I am........Bruce
Springsteen & E Street Band …..The Long Goodbye
Hope
you've enjoyed this pundle of homespun puns.
Your
eph-Emerald works give your Ma Turquoise to drink Quartz of ink.
Jewel Ruby-ing low Cassiterite Onyx surface, But jabs Sardonyx serve
no purpose. Don’t act a Fool’s Gold me if you Muscovite Olivine
Opals Ore for a ci-Garnet-flix night. I’ll be at the convent on
Co-Malachites I’ll fly. A bien-Topaz to you. --Kate Howard 2017
May
Peace seed your path
And
Joy light your way
prairie
mama
christine
Last
Laugh:
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