eXpired ePistle

 Famous First Words: Death, be not proud... --John Donne Death Be Not Proud

The old year is dying; let's have some fun. There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing. The living are getting rarer. --Eugene Ionesco / Whether glass coffins will be successful remains to be seen.

On December 29, 1845, Texas was admitted as the 28th state. Another reason for a good belly laugh at death's expense.

Happy New Year! - English

There are 10 Happy New Year greetings; they are, in order, the 10 most common languages spoken in the US, according to Babble.

.........The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night.........Louis Armstrong …..What A Wonderful World

Since wars begin in the minds of men, it is in the minds of men that the defenses of peace must be constructed. --Preamble to the Constitution of UNESCO

It is clear, cold (35°F) Friday morning. There is little breeze to move the bare limbs of winter trees but birds are hopping around those limbs and chirping merrily. Only the stately oak two backyards over still has leaves. They are brown and bushy and still. The brightest color is the faux redwood privacy fence in another neighbor's yard; the sun picks up the stain in the wood and brightens it. There is no green, not a pine or juniper. The sky, however, is a creamy azure without a cloud to hide its morning freshness. The happy flock of chripers has moved on and the world is very quiet. No cars are revving up, no trucks are passing by. Only the hum of my computer and the click of my fingers on the keyboard comes to my ear; oh, and the occasional snort from the sleeping Puck. I stop for a moment and just listen to the silence. But it is morning and soon the household wakes and human sounds abound and the cat gives the humans reasons to make noise. I take a slow gulp of Cinnamon Supreme. It was a delicious Christmas gift that doesn't smell hot but tastes very cinnamony. So far, it seems like it's gonna be a great day.

It's New Year's Weekend, ePistliers, go out there and live, live, LIVE! (paraphrasing Auntie Mame)

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: In America you call it the Alt Right. In Germany we call it “Why grandpapa lives in Argentina now”. --SNL

I hope we stay friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the shit out of people. / A pillow fight with Death has reaper cushions.

¡Feliz Año Nuevo! - Spanish

..........I loved them all.........The Beatles …..In My Life

Trivia Questions: 2023 Highlights

• ^ Who broke Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's NBA career record of 38.387 points?
• ^^ For how long did the Chinese spy balloon travel across the US and Canada before we shot it down?
• ^^^ Who won a) the Super Bowl b) March Madness c) The NBA Championship d) WNBA Championship?
• ^^^^ What play won the Tony for best Musical?
• ^^^^^ Which artist won 4 Grammys this year to break the all time career record?

Nerd Happy New Year: Merin sa haryalye alasse! -- Tolkien's Elvish

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Your confederate flag was made in China. --Submitted by bc of tx

Image of the Week: My stuffed iguana … you thought those were just jokes, didn't you?

Fake Library Statistics of the Week: 28% of librarians really give a lot of books because they're super easy to wrap. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. --Isaac Asimov / Schedule my funeral for the
afternoon; I've never been a mourning person.

Shin-nyen kwhy-ler - Chinese

..........I pick myself up and get back in the race.........Frank Sinatra …..That's Life

Moonbeam: I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do. --Paula Poundstone

Question of the Week: If you could build anything, what would it be? https://www.teachingexpertise.com/classroom-ideas/funny-philosophical-questions/

Puzzle of the Week: From listener Samantha Robison, of Eugene, OR. Think of a word that means "required." Rearrange its letters to name two school subjects, one of which is often required, and one of which often isn't. What were they? NPR Sunday Puzzle 12/25/23

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: It's not an empty nest until they get their stuff out of the basement.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily as lying down. --Woody Allen / My crematorium will be my last chance at a smoking hot body.

On December 29, 1988 the Victorian Post Office Museum in Australia closed. All those Victorians dead is another reason to shame Death.

Maligayang bagong Taon - Tagalog

..........everything all the time.........The Eagles …..Life In The Fast Lane

^ LeBron James broke Kareem's record and has logged 39,258 total points as of December 19, 2023, which is an incredible feat.

Almanac: It is Friday, December 29, 2023. The moon was full (Cold) last Wednesday (12/27) and is in Leo. It is World Anti-penultimate Day. It is also Tick Sock Day, and YMCA Day; also Texas celebrates (or not) Admission Day (1845).

Among those born on this day were Wagner (1678), Madame De Pompadour (Jeanne Antoinette Poisson, 1721), Charles Goodyear (1800), William E Gladstone (1809), Elisabeth (queen of Romania, 1843), Tomas Breton y Hernandez (1850), Pablo Casals (1876), Charles L Harness (1915), Dina Merrill (1925), Mary Tyler Moore (1936), Jon Voight (1938), Ted Danson (1947), and Paula Poundstone (1959).

On December twenty ninth Jolyot's Idomeneo premiered (Paris, 1705), the US's first nautical almanac was published (1782), the steam powered threshing machine was patented (1837), the first YMCA opened (Boston, 1851), the bowling ball was invented (1862), a brokerage firm first used the telegraph ticker (1867), the San Francisco Symphony was formed (1911), the first collegiate basketball doubleheader was held (NYC, 1934), Lorca's Yerma premiered (1934), construction on the Seattle Lake Washington Floating Bridge began (1938), Canada recognized Israel (1948), at age 13 Streisand recorded her first song (1955), and Thunderball premiered in the US (1965),

Night Sky, 12/29:This is the time of year when M31, the Andromeda Galaxy, passes your zenith soon after dark (if you live in the mid-northern latitudes). The exact time depends on your longitude. Binoculars will show M31 as a small, dim gray elongated glow just off the knee of the Andromeda constellation's stick figure http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Fraternal Picture of the Week: Max and Ollie got a car for Christmas. Now Ollie won't have to ride his bike in the snow.

This Week: Saturday, December 30 – Bacon Day & Falling Needles Family Fest Day

Sunday, December 31 – Hogmanay & Make Up Your Mind Day & National Champagne Day & New Year's Eve

Night Sky,12/31: After the noise and celebration at the turning of midnight tonight, step outside into the silent, cold dark. The waning gibbous Moon will be shining high in the east, with the Sickle of Leo floating about a fist at arm's length above it. In the south Sirius will be shining at its highest, with the other bright stars of Canis Major to its right and below.

Monday, January 1 – World Day of Peace & Copyright Law Day & Polar Bear Plunge & New Years Day

Tuesday, January 2 – National Science Fiction Day & Earth at Perihelion

Wednesday, January 3 – Festival of Sleep Day & J R R Tolkien Day & Memento Mori “Remember You Die” Day

Night Sky, 1/3: The Quadrantids have a much shorter peak than other meteor showers, lasting for just six hours before its intensity rapidly drops off. In 2024, the peak will occur in the early hours of 4 January. At its peak, and in ideal viewing conditions, up to 110 meteors and bright fireballs can be seen per hour, with the particles entering Earth’s atmosphere at around 40 kilometers per second. More information

Thursday, January 4 – World Braille Day & Trivia Day & World Hypnotism Day

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. --Yogi Berra / I thought she might be sick but the will was a dead give away.

On December 29, 1983, the US withdrew from UNESCO. Another reason to ridicule death.

chúc mừng năm mới - Vietnamese

..........Come on let's live girl..........Kate Bush …..Jig Of Life

^^ From January 28 to February 4, 2023, a high-altitude balloon originating from China flew across North American airspace, including Alaska, western Canada, and the contiguous United States. On February 4, the U.S. Air Force shot down the balloon over U.S. territorial waters off the coast of South Carolina. That's 7 day or 1 week

Preantepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out. --Submitted by PsyDe

Moonbeam: When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome. --Paula Poundstone

Complaint of the Week: I have been complaining that the Guaranteed Rate Bowl (formerly the sanely named Cactus Bowl) was a stupid name. But then I noticed that Kansas State is playing in the Pop-Tarts Bowl. Clicking will get you images of the trophies involved; 'cause who doesn't what a trophy with a picture of pop-tarts on it to honor their hard work and talent.

Video of the Week: The Smothers Brothers – Draft Dodgers Rag (2:34) ~~We'll miss you, Tom. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08DnYRJhHks

Peace is much more than the end of armed conflict. ...UNESCO The Culture of Peace

I intend to live forever, or die trying. --Groucho Marx / Cryptocurrency is for skeletons and ghosts.

On December 29, 1170 Thomas a Becket was assassinated at the request of Henry II. Another reason to laugh at death.

Bonne Année - French

..........Without love it ain't much.........Sheila E …..The Glamorous Life

^^^ Superbowl) KC Chiefs March Madness) UCONN NBA) Denver Nuggets WNBA) Las Vegas Aces

Quote of the Week: Oh, goodie, another week in which I have no idea what day it is. --Christine

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: ...I'm gonna slap you so hard not even Google will be able to find you.

Weird Word of the Week: 2023 Rejected OED Word of the Year ...our final reject is Swiftie – a Taylor Swift fan. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swifties

Dragon of the Week: The Chinese New Year will be on the 10^th of February, 2024.

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Avoid blisters and make rakes, shovels, and hoes easier to handle. Wrap the tool handles with Bubble Wrap secured in place with Scotch Packaging Tape. https://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/bubblewrap2.html

I’m a Frisbeetarian. We believe that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and you can’t get it down. -- Steve Martin / The grave diggers I've met were all very deadicated.

On December 29, 1997 Orville Lynn Majors was taken into custody and charged with murdering 7 people by injecting them with heart stopping drugs. (He was convicted of 6 and sentenced to 360 years in prison.) Another reason to point fingers at death, a creature with good death perception

Te Tau Hou - Arabic

...........You gotta do what you gotta do..........Alicia Keys …..The Life

^^^^ Best Musical Tony: Kimberly Akimbo....Runners Up: & Juliet, New York, NewYork, Shocked, and Some Like It Hot

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 23.8069758 is the root of all evil. --Submitted by FNOG

Science Fiction Quote of the Week: Science fiction is no more written for scientists than ghost stories are written for ghosts. --Brian Aldiss

Actual Science Quote of the Week: Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it. --Albert Einstein

Answer to Puzzle of the Week: OBLIGATORY --> BIOLOGY, ART

To the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure. --J K Rowling / Don't allow a job to stress you out because your job will be posted online before your obituary.

saehae bok mani badeuseyo - Korean

..........I want to ride it all night long.........Rascal Flatts …..Life Is A Highway

^^^^^ Beyoncė made history winning 4 Grammys; She has the most with a career total of 32.

Discussion Topic of the Week: What gives you goosebumps?

Disclaimer of the Week: I am not dying. However, I'm going to be 80 here soon, and that puts one eye to eye with Death even if it's not an immediate threat. Actually, I am thinking of writing a short play about death. An old person is dying. First he has to convince the children he really is dying and not just pulling a Fred Sanford. Then various people from his life come to visit him ...or her; but the rule is everybody who comes in – every time – has to tell a joke about death. So, I've been collecting death jokes since then and welcome any that you might have. Thank you.

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Let the kids believe in Santa. We all believed in our first marriages. --Submitted by RHOZ

Today's Peace of History, December 29, 1852: Emma Snodgrass was arrested in Boston for wearing pants. She also visited (and was arrested in) Portsmouth, New Hampshire, in Albany, New York City, and Buffalo... each time for dressing as a man.

If you die in an elevator, be sure and push the up button. --Sam Levenson / The mortician's job is to make you feel as though you are dead gorgeous.

С Новым Годом! С новым счастьем! - Russian

..........Teach her life's a long flat road.........Oleta Adams …..Rhythm Of Life

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle, December 29, 2023, eXpired ePistle. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. Lawrence, KS.

Moonbeam: When we save the rainforest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise. --Paula Poundstone

Cost of War:

• As of 12/28/23 State Department War Costs since 2001: $225,030,178,822.
• As of 12/21/23 State Department War Costs since 2001: $224,477,020,812.
• As of 12/28/23 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,187,636,095,212.
• As of 12/21/23 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,186,091,105,532.
• As of 12/28/23 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,156,136,285,818.
• As of 12/21/23 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,155,535,350,490.
• As of 12/28/23 Veterans Care since 2001: $3,427,847,513,578.
• As of 12/21/23 Veterans Care since 2001: $3,416,136,138,079.
• As of 12/28/23 Military Costs since 2001: $3,061,409,053,926.
• As of 12/21/23 Military Costs since 2001: $3,060,236,122,392.
• As of 12/28/23 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $9,058,060,012,467.
• As of 12/21/23 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $9,042,479,384,695.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

Peace is reverence for life. Peace is a mode of behavior. Peace is the most precious possession of humanity. --UNESCO Yamoussoukro Declaration

Famous Last Words: Death, thou shalt die. --John Donne Death Be Not Proud (It just seemed appropriate.)

..........all the people living life in peace.........John Lennon …..Imagine

Frohes neues Jahr - German

On December 29, 1972, Life magazine stopped publishing. Another reason to have a laugh at death's expense.

The trouble with quotes about death is that 99.9% of them are made by people who are still alive. --Joshua Burns. / I know how it will end, one of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone. / All these death jokes are tomb much.

May Peace be with you always

And Joy live by your side

prairie mama

christine

Last Laugh:

IO ePistle

Famous First Words: Christmas, Christmas time is near. --The Chipmunks The Christmas Song

Io, Saturnalia! A time when things are turned upside down! Example: If I had my life to live over, I'd live it over a saloon. --W C Fields / Is it further to L A or by bus?

..........We can try to understand.........Bee Gees with Maurice Gibb …..Stayin' Alive

Flight is lawful when one flies from tyrants. --Jean Racine

It is a wet Friday morning. The sky is a solid slate gray and is ready, any moment, to cry over the land it covers. Little puddles are everywhere: beside the street, in the hole in the driveway, waiting to drain into the sewer. The local murder of crows is out playing in the puddles and talking about it in loud caws. There is very little wind and even the willow branches are handing still while the few remaining leaves wave slowly to the day. 51°F is warm for the first day of winter and encourages pets and wildlife and dog walkers to enjoy one more day before it all changes. I sit at my window listening to bird song and watching a crow stop near the top branches and survey the neighborhood with a critical eye. But mostly, I sip coffee and think about writing to you. What a great morning.

Here's hoping your weekend brings you joy, ePistliers.

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I dropped a piece of rum soaked fruit cake on the floor, so I put it outside by the bird feeder. Now the yard is filled with at least a dozen species of birds. The ones that haven't passed out seem to be dancing with each other. Io Saturnalia!

For Saturnalia: Responses to cashiers, co-workers, etc. who say, How are you?: I'd say at least 7 out of 10. / Compared to who? / Do you mean physically, spiritually, mentally ? / Between green and gray

.......It's something I think's worthwhile.........Bee Gees with Maurice Gibb …..Holiday

Trivia Questions: Happy 130 Anniversary to the US Golf Association

• ^ Yeah, the Scots invented modern golf, but which country invented a similar game in 13^th century?
• ^^ When your posse reaches the putting green, who should putt last?
• ^^^ What is three under par called?
• ^^^^ What is the Ryder cup?
• ^^^^^ What is the most expensive golf club membership in the US?

Big Hello: Moien – Luxembourgish https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I wish the bags under my eyes had money in them. --Submitted by INRITH

Image of the Week:

Fake Library Statistics of the Week: 23% of librarians get the most joy from cursing not reading. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

For Saturnalia: Instead of Have a Nice Day, I'm going to say: May your karma meet your day / Have a bright future / Hope your day is as colorful as a box of crayons / Go get 'em / Shine On!

..........You know that talk is cheap..........Cheap Trick with Rick Nielsen …..Dream Police

Moonbeam: If particular care and attention is not paid to the ladies, we are determined to foment a rebellion, and will not hold ourselves bound by any laws in which we have no voice or representation. --Abigail Adams

Question of the Week: If you could bring one fictional character to life who would it be? https://www.teachingexpertise.com/classroom-ideas/funny-philosophical-questions/

Puzzle of the Week: From listener Steve Baggish: Take the phrase WINTER SEASON. Add a letter of your choosing. Then rearrange all 13 letters to spell three related words. What were they? NPR Sunday Puzzle 12/17/23

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: My self-driving smart car keeps taking me to the library.

For Saturnalia: When I'm in an elevator: Offer name tags to the other passengers / Practice Tai Chi / Greet on boarding passengers with a hardy handshake / Conduct the passengers in a sing-a-long

..........If only I'd seen that the joke was on me.........Bee Gees with Maurice Gibb …..I Started A Joke

^Although the Scottish were credited with developing the sport of golf that we play today, the earliest concepts of the sport are said to have originated in the Netherlands as early as 1297 A.D. In fact, the name of the sport was derived from the Dutch language, from a game known as kolf or kolven. In kolf, players would hit a small ball towards a predetermined spot. The person who got to the spot with the least amount of strokes was the winner. The game of kolf was also played on ice during the winter and may have influenced the game of hockey as well.

Almanac: It is Friday, December 22, 2023. The moon went into the first quarter last Wednesday (12/19) and is in Taurus. Today is Be a Lover of Silence Day and International Arbor Day.

Among those born on this day were Luca della Robbia (1400), Mary of Lorraine, Queen of Scots (1515), Jean Racine (1639), Rene-Robert Cavelier La Salle (1643), William Ellery (1727), Abigail Adams (1744), Thomas Cook (1808), Franz Wilhelm (1819), George Eliot (Mary Anne Evans, 1819), Frank Kellogg (1856), Giacomo Puccini (1858), Edwin Arlington Robinson (1869), Arthur James Cook (1883), Charles de Gaulle (1890), Hoagy Carmichael (1899), Kenneth Rexroth (1905), Gene Rayburn (1917), Barbara Bilingsley (1922), Geraldine Page (1924), Billie Jean King (1943), Diane Sawyer (1945), Rick Nielsen (Cheap Trick 1945), and Maurice Gibb (1949).

On December twenty-second the Dutch people revolted against meat taxes (1731), the continental navy was organized (7 ships, 1775), Washington's resignation from his commission commander and chief became official (1783), "American Bicycling Journal" was first published (Boston, 1877), the first string of Christmas tree lights were lit (1882), Strindberg's Lycko-Pers Reja premiered (1883), the United States Golf Association formed (NYC, 1894), the first US postal savings stamps were issued (1910), Flanders declared its independence (1917 ~~I think it was from Belgium but I wouldn't swear to it), the US deported Emma Goldman (and 249 other "alien radicals", 1919), the Lincoln Tunnel opened for traffic (1937), W E B Du Bois was elected the first black member of the National Institute of Arts & Letters (1941), the Chipmunk Song reached number one on the charts (1958), Julie Nixon married Dwight Eisenhower (1968), Kurt Waldheim became Secretary-General of the UN (1971), Kenny Jones became The Who's new drummer (1978), Lech Walsea was sworn in as Poland's first popularly elected president (1990), and Italian P.M. Berlusconi resigned (1994).

Night Sky, 12/22: The Moon has passed Jupiter in the last 24 hours. The bright planet now shines to the Moon's right at dusk; upper right of it later. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Fraternal Picture of the Week: Ready to try out the new amphibian bikes.

This Week: Saturday, December 23 – Festivus & Family Roots Day & Human Light Celebration

Sunday, December 24 – Eggnog Day

Night Sky, 12/24: And now the bright gibbous Moon, two days from full, has jumped to the lower left (east) of the Pleiades in early evening. It forms a flattened, nearly isosceles triangle with the Pleiades above it and Aldebaran below. Around 11 pm the Moon shines just about as close to the zenith as you will ever see it (from your mid-northern latitude), "casting lustre of midday on objects below." Your Moon shadow at that time will be the shortest you'll ever see it. Go look.

Monday, December 25 – A'phabet Day aka No “L” Day

Tuesday, December 26 – Kwanzaa begins & Boxing Day & National Thank You Note Day

Wednesday, December 27 – Howdy Doody Day & Visit The Zoo Day

Night Sky, 12/27: Mars is out of sight behind the glare of the Sun. Jupiter, magnitude –2.7 in Aries, is the bright white dot dominating the high southeast to south these evenings. It stands at its highest in the south around 8 pm. It has shrunk a little since opposition, but it's still a good 46 arc-seconds wide in a telescope.

Thursday, December 28 – Endangered Species Act Day & Pledge of Allegiance Day

For Saturnalia: I'm going to order a McDonald's Happy Meal with extra Happy. / Ask my librarian for a book on how to read / Sit on a park bench and have an argument with my stuffed iguana / Wear my false eyelashes as a mustache.

…..The melody haunts my reverie.........Hoagy Carmichael …..Stardust

^^ The person who is closest to the hole putts last. This is one reason why you should use a ball marker. If your ball is in the way of the person who is putting first, use a ball marker so you know where your ball was, otherwise your ball might get hit.

Preantepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Dress your cat in gay apparel. Fa la la la la la la la la Put your life in mortal peril. Fa la la la la la la la

Moonbeam: We have too many high-sounding words, and too few actions that correspond with them. --Abigail Adams

Video of the Week: Hoagy Carmichael singing Ole Buttermilk Sky (6:02)

Christmas Question of the Week: Are Christmas trees just regular trees in drag?

On the throne, one has many worries; and remorse is the one that weighs the least. --Jean Racine

For Saturnalia: When I'm on the bus: I'm going to laugh hysterically until I get off. / Have a picnic on the floor – alone or with my stuffed iguana or invite other passengers / My friend and I will play twister. / Hand out homemade cookies

..........Throw away your troubles, dream a dream with me.........Hoagy Carmichael …..Lazy River

^^^ 3 under par is an albatross but also known as a double eagle.

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: My personal style is best described as “didn't expect to get out of the car”. --Submitted by INRITH

Weird Word of the Week: Rejected OED word of the year 2023: Situationship – A situationship is a romantic or sexual relationship that is undefined and noncommittal. People in a situationship are more than friends but less than committed romantic partners.

Dragon of the Week: This is Crochette the Dragon – created by Carla Parris, the Crocheter

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Make stakes in a garden accident proof. Wrap Bubble Wrap over the tops of stakes and
secure in place with Scotch Packaging Tape to avoid painful accidents should anyone trip over the stakes. https://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/bubblewrap2.html

For Saturnalia: At Work: I will cover my desk and everything on it with sticky notes. / Several times a day shout random numbers over my cubicle walls. / Kneel at the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle / If someone asks me to do something, ask them to sign a waiver

...........Put your worries in your pocket.........Bee Gees with Maurice Gibb …..Rest Your Love On Me

^^^^ Ryder Cup: Every two years, 24 of the best players from Europe and the United States go head-to-head in a match play competition. Drama, tension, incredible golf, camaraderie and sportsmanship are served in equal measure, captivating an audience of millions around the world. ~~Not to mention hyperbole

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Do websites in the United Kingdom use biscuits instead of cookies?

Science Fiction Joke of the Week (Because there are no conventions): Space horror is the best horror. What's out there? No one knows. Big rocks, creepy things, sticky things, math! Stuff on fire, big holes, big holes with math in them.

Actual Science Joke of the Week (Because there are no conferences): Just to be clear, if you carefully remove, and lay end-to-end all the veins, arteries, and capillaries of your body, you will die. --Neil deGrasse Tyson

Answer to Puzzle of the Week: Winter Season: Add an L. Rearrange the result to spell SNOW, SLEET, and RAIN.

For Saturnalia: At the gym: Go dressed as my favorite superhero / Carry my stuffed iguana in a front body baby carrier / Cry through the entire workout

..........We can take forever just a minute at a time.........Bee Gees with Maurice Gibb …..More Than A Woman

^^^^^ The highest initiation fee to join is the Bridge in Bridgehampton, NY at $750,000 but annual dues are only about $20,000. The Madison Club in La Quinta, California has the highest annual fee at $75,000 but their initiation fee is only $500,000.

Musing of the Week: When a fish is caught and then released, does it describe this to its friends as an alien abduction? ~~Sorry, Joyce and I are watching a National Geographic program about people looking for the giant trevally but they keep catching other giant fish and talking about them and talking about them and letting them go. How very strange this must be for the fish.

Quote of the Week: Get a bicycle. You will not regret it, if you live. --Mark Twain

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Whoville celebrating Christmas means there was a Who Jesus and I can't stop imagining what kind of insane seussical contraption they would have had to crucify people. --Andrew Nadeau --Submitted by IIWSPIBH

Today's Peace of History, December 22, 1993: Operation “Toys for Guns" was begun in New York City through the efforts (and $10,000) of I.M. Rainmaker, CEO of an electronics company. Conceived in cooperation with local police concerned about crime fed by too many guns and the glorification of violence, the program offered a $100 voucher redeemable at Toys ‘R’ Us for a firearm turned in to the police.

For Saturnalia: While Driving: Wear snorkel gear and hang fish from the ceiling of the car / Squeegee the windshield at every stop light / Honk and Wave and Smile as if recognizing the driver at random cars

..........I'm begging you to beg me.........Cheap Trick with Rick Neilsen …..I Want You To Want Me

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle, 2023, OI. ePistle. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. Lawrence, KS.

Moonbeam: Well, knowledge is a fine thing, and mother Eve thought so; but she smarted so severely for hers, that most of her daughters have been afraid of it since. --Abigail Adams

Cost of War:

• As of 12/21/23 State Department War Costs since 2001: $224,477,020,812.
• As of 12/14/23 State Department War Costs since 2001: $223,923,660,237.
• As of 12/21/23 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,186,091,105,532.
• As of 12/14/23 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,184,545,532,628.
• As of 12/21/23 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,155,535,350,490.
• As of 12/14/23 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,154,934,405,285.
• As of 12/21/23 Veterans Care since 2001: $3,416,136,138,079.
• As of 12/14/23 Veterans Care since 2001: $3,404,420,318,819.
• As of 12/21/23 Military Costs since 2001: $3,060,236,122,392.
• As of 12/14/23 Military Costs since 2001: $3,059,062,513,298.
• As of 12/21/23 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $9,042,479,384,695.
• As of 12/14/23 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $9,026,888,094,147.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

Can a faith that does nothing be called sincere? --Jean Racine

Famous Last Words: Competent power to congress for general purposes. --George Washington A toast before his resigned his military commission as commander and chief, 1783

..........Farewell, Goodbye, although I'll cry.........Cheap Trick with Rick Nielsen …..Ain't That A Shame

To honor Saturn was to live in harmony with the earth and its inhabitants: For Saturnalia: In Community: No superiors, no hierarchy, / Treat everyone as equal to yourself, everyone / Buy Christmas presents for the pets / Drink one for me...

May Peace attend your weekend
And Joy attend your holidays
prairie mama
christine

Last Laugh:

eNumerated ePistle

 Famous First Words: C'est lui (It's him) --Albert Camus Les Justes

Here we are at the beginning of the Annual Bird Count (12/14-1/5). Bird counters in Colon, Nebraska who make bad jokes are called comedi-hens. / The prisoners at the jail in Bugtussle, Tennessee participated in last year's bird count; but all they found were jailbirds.

..........Way back up in the woods among the evergreens..........Chuck Berry …..Johnny B Goode

Yea, you shall leave in joy and be led home in peace. Isaiah 57:19

It is a gray Friday morning. The sky cannot decide whether to rain or not. It sprinkles a few drops and then stops. (Weather.com is betting on the rain.) Clouds are slate in color and in texture. There are only puffs and billows near the horizon; the rest is without texture and without a break. 46°F with very little wind is not cold nor hot. The bare willow branches hang motionless from the very highest branches and the mulberry is so still it seems dead. Our local murder of crows came early and had a one-sided conversation with the cat who refused to stick more than her head out the door. She is back to sleeping and the murder is gone. Birdsong is confined to the quarreling sparrows at the feeder. I am drinking my decaf and eating a blueberry muffin which spreads blueberry aroma around my desk and makes my mouth happy. But it is writing to you that makes my heart happy.

Hope your weekend really counts, ePistlers.

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Just because Alfred is too old to take care of the Batcave, you don't replace him with the Joker. --Jimmy Kimmel

Bird counter from Lisbon, Maine: I'm great at identifying birds. Me: OK, what are those on that tree over there? Bird counter: Yep, they're all birds. / Bird counters use Owlgebra to calculate their results.

..........Out of all the reindeer you know you are the mastermind.........Chuck Berry …..Run, Rudolph, Run

Trivia Questions: It's Bill of Rights Day!

• ^ What does the first amendment cover?
• ^^ What is the obscure third amendment about?
• ^^^ Which is the longest of the Bill of Rights amendments?
• ^^^^ Which amendments didn't make it into the final Bill of Rights?
• ^^^^^ Who wrote these 10 amendments?

Big Hello: Miiyu – Luiseño(Uto-Aztecan spoken in California) https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: The student with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides. --Sam Saulsbury --Submitted by INRITH

Image of the Week: Hanukkah in Lawrence 2023

Fake Library Statistics of the Week: 90% of libraries don't have an elf on the shelf because the staff are already experts in giving silent, judging stares. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

Bird counters from Shells Lick, Idaho never make plans. They just wing it. / Question: Are we also required to count the number of squirrels we shoo out of the feeder?

..........Wop bop a loo bop a lop bom bom.........Little Richard …..Tutti Frutti

Moonbeam: There is no other way of enjoying riches and money than by riotous extravagance, declaring that only stingy and niggardly fellows kept a correct account of what they spent. --Nero

Question of the Week: Would you rather live in a castle or a spaceship? https://www.teachingexpertise.com/classroom-ideas/funny-philosophical-questions/

Puzzle of the Week: A muffler is part of an automobile. It's also the name of something you can wear. Think of two other parts of an automobile that are also something you can wear. These two words have the same number of letters and the same first two letters in the same order.

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Dear Coca-Cola Company: No more new flavors. Either add the cocaine back, or leave it alone.

Did you hear about the bird counter in Due West, South Carolina who was feeding cannabis to sea birds? She wanted to leave no tern unstoned. / I don't always go bird counting, but when I do the damned birds hide.

..........You know it's a lie.........Buddy Holly …..That'll Be The Day

^Amendment 1: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Almanac: It is Friday, December 15, 2023. The moon was new last Tuesday (12/5) and is in Capricorn. It is Bill of Rights Day, Cat Herders Day, Free Shipping Day, International Tea Day, National Cupcake Day, and National Wear Your Pearls Day. Because it is the Friday of the second full week in December it is National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day. Finally, because it is the third Friday of December it is also Underdog Day.

Among those born on this day were Nero (37), Gregory King (1648), Ludwig Ernst (1667), Philippe-Jacques Pfeffinger (1765), Henry Charles Carey (1793), Alexandre-Gustave Eiffel (1832), Charles Duryea (1861), Arthur D Little (1863), Maxwell Anderson (1888), J Paul Getty (1892), Kermit Bloomgarden (1904), Alan Freed (1922), Cindy Birdsong (1939), Tim Conway (1933), Dave Clark (1942), and Don Johnson (1949).

On December fifteenth the Bill of Rights was ratified (VA, 1791), the first US law school was established (University of PA, 1791), the Patent Office burned (DC, 1836), the first street cleaning machine was used (Philadelphia, 1854), Edison patented the phonograph (1877), ground breaking began for the Jefferson Memorial (DC, 1938), Glenn Miller was lost over the English Channel (1944), Camus' "les Justes" premiered (1949), Christine Jorgenson changed her sex (1952), the Equal Access Rule went into effect (1961), the first rendezvous in space was completed (Gemini 6 & Gemini 7, 1965), the Plastic Ono Band played their only concert (1969), the American Psychiatric Association declared homosexuality is not a mental illness (1973), 3 KC Royals were suspended for cocaine use (1983), and Ireland lifted the ban on Playboy magazine (1995).

Night Sky, 12/15: The Summer Triangle is sinking lower in the west now, and Altair is the first of its stars to go (for mid-northern sky watchers). Start by spotting bright Vega, magnitude zero, in the northwest right after dark. The brightest star above Vega is Deneb. Altair, the Triangle's third star, is farther to Vega's left or lower left. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Fraternal Picture of the Week: Snow in Seattle

This Week: Saturday, December 16 – National Chocolate-Covered Anything Day

Sunday, December 17 – Wright Brothers Day & Clean Air Day

Night Sky, 12/17: Have you ever watched a Sirius-rise? Find an open view right down to the east-southeast horizon, and watch for Sirius to rise about two fists at arm's length below Orion's vertical belt. Sirius rises sometime around 8 pm now, depending on your location. About 15 minutes before Sirius-rise, a lesser star comes up just to the right of there: Beta Canis Majoris or Mirzam. Its name means “The Announcer,” and what Mirzam announces is Sirius. You’re not likely to mistake them; the second-magnitude Announcer is only a twentieth as bright as the king of stars about to make his royal entry.

Monday, December 18 – Answer the Telephone Like Buddy the Elf Day & International Migrants Day

Tuesday, December 19 – Orthodox Feast of St Nicholas the Wonderworker

Wednesday, December 20 – Games Day & Mudd Day & Poet Laureate Day

Night Sky, 12/20: This week Mercury fades and settles down out of sight in the afterglow of sunset. Venus shines as the bright "Morning Star" in the southeast before and during dawn. It's not quite as high as it was a month or two ago.

Thursday, December 21 –Crossword Puzzle Day & Go Caroling Day & Humbug Day

Night Sky, 12/21: The 2023 winter solstice occurs on Thursday, Dec. 21, 2023 at 9:27 pm CST.

A bird counter in Cleveland, Ohio was astonished to find a male gull who picked up loose change it found on the ground and dropped it in front of homeless people. And a female gull who put trash lying on the beach into trash cans. Actually, the two shared a nest because one good tern deserves another.

..........and make the darkness bright.........The Platters …..Only You

^^ Amendment 3: No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Preantepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: That single star on the Texas flag is actually a rating.

Moonbeam: The Post articles consistently referred to me as "he," "Jorgensen," or "the Bronx man," as though I were some anthropological missing link. --Christine Jorgensen

Video of the Week: 37 seconds on the Pūteketeke – Bird of the Century

Seek peace and pursue it. --Psalms 34:15

I personally refuse to hike with bird counters. I don't want to be a birdin'. / Bird counters in No Name, Colorado set loose a couple of dozen mechanical ducks in order to attract eagles so they could be counted. The birds picked them up and tried to eat them which resulted in many upset stomachs. The bird counters were arrested because of ill eagles.

..........I'm lonely, but one one can tell..........The Platters ….The Great Pretender

^^^ Amendment 6 is the longest of the first 10. “In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defense.”

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: You can tell the age of a fake Christmas tree by counting the rings of tape around the box. --Submitted by RHOZ

Weird Word of the Week: Rejected OED word of the year: Deinfluencing is the newest Instagram, TikTok and YouTube trend where influencers tell their followers why they should not buy a product. This trend started with the beauty and lifestyle categories but has since moved to other areas and popular products.

Dragon of the Week: Great Eared Nightjar aka The Dragon Bird 

 ~~Australians seem to think it looks like a fluffy baby dragon.

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Repel deer. Lay sheets of Bubble Wrap – held in place with stones – on the ground around the outside of your garden. Deer will not walk on bubble Wrap. https://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/bubblewrap.html

A young bird counter from Harmony, Indiana was in charge of this year's count. The town called her the bird babysitter but she had the city change the title to Hootenanny. / Mr and Mrs Blue Jay of Toad Suck, Arkansas got a divorce because he claimed that she had hired the bird counters as private detectives.

...........Put your glad rags on and join me, hon..........Bill Haley & the Comets …..Rock Around The Clock

^^^^ There were originally 12 amendments: “No State shall violate the equal rights of conscience, or the freedom of the press, or the trial by jury in criminal cases,” And “The powers delegated by this Constitution are appropriated to the departments to which they are respectively distributed: so that the Legislative Department shall never exercise the powers vested in the Executive or Judicial, nor the Executive exercise the powers vested in the Legislative or Judicial, nor the Judicial exercise the powers vested in the Legislative or Executive Departments,” were removed from the Bill of Rights

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Bologna is just hot dog pancakes. --Submitted by PsyDe

Science Fiction Convention of the Week: Proud Nerd Con – Christmas Edition 2023 (16, Trier, Germany) Aber dieses Mal wird es wunderbar weihnachtlich mit passendem Musik, Kitsch und Co.! https://www.proud-nerd.de/event-details/proud-nerd-con-christmas-edition

Actual Science Conference of the Week: 3^rd Advanced Materials Grand meeting (11-16, Kyoto, Japan) High Power Density – Large Scale Stationary Power. https://www.clocate.com/advanced-materials-grand-meeting-mrm-iumrs-ica/50615/

Answer to Puzzle of the Week: Hood and Hose

A bird counter from Angel Fire, New Mexico was a dog walker by trade. Every single time she took one of her clients with her to the count they managed to sit in the very spot she was watching and counting. So she began to write them down as German Shepbird, Peckingese, and Saint Birdnard. / It was easy for the bird counter from Sleepy Eye, Minnesota to count snowbirds. They set up a virtual reality area for sunbathing on the beaches of Aruba.

..........Why do birds sing so gay..........Frankie Lymon & the Teenagers …..Why Do Fools Fall In Love

^^^^^ The American Bill of Rights, inspired by Jefferson and drafted by James Madison, was adopted, and in 1791 the Constitution's first ten amendments became the law of the land.

Quote of the Week: If more mothers were pastors or preachers, we would likely have a lot more sermons and books about the metaphors of birth and pregnancy connecting us to the story of God. I am rather tired of sports and war metaphors. --Sarah Bessey (Jesus Feminist) -Submitted by MMS

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Does conversion therapy work for bigots? --Submitted by 98%

Today's Peace of History, December 15, 1930: Albert Einstein urged militant pacifism and the creation of an international war resistance fund. Einstein stated in New York that if two percent of those called for military service were to refuse to fight, and were to urge peaceful means of settling international conflicts, then governments would become powerless since they could not imprison that many people.

Bird counters from Waterproof, Louisiana saw about 3 dozen owls flying in formation towards the northeast. They found out later it was spam for Hogwarts. / The top bird counter in Monkey's Eyebrow, Kentucky is called Lord of the Wings.

..........Well, I said come on over baby, we got chicken in the barn.........Jerry Lee Lewis …..Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle, 2023, eNumerated ePistle. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. Lawrence, KS.

Moonbeam: I ought to be jealous of the tower. She is more famous than I am. --Alexandre-Gustave Eiffel

Cost of War:

• As of 12/14/23 State Department War Costs since 2001: $223,923,660,237.
• As of 12/07/23 State Department War Costs since 2001: $223,365,261,949.
• As of 12/14/23 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,184,545,532,628.
• As of 12/07/23 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,182,985,835,444.
• As of 12/14/23 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,154,934,405,285.
• As of 12/07/23 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,154,327,863,677.
• As of 12/14/23 Veterans Care since 2001: $3,404,420,318,819.
• As of 12/07/23 Veterans Care since 2001: $3,392,598,258,132.
• As of 12/14/23 Military Costs since 2001: $3,059,062,513,298.
• As of 12/07/23 Military Costs since 2001: $3,057,878,420,741.
• As of 12/14/23 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $9,026,888,094,147.
• As of 12/07/23 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $9,011,157,122,419.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

Speak the truth to one another, render true and perfect peace in your gates. --Zechariah 8:16

Famous Last Words: Oui, Dora. --Albert Camus Les Justes

..........I'm like a one-eyed cat peepin' in a seafood store..........Jerry Lee Lewis …..Great Balls Of Fire ~~All of today's songs were from artists promoted by Alan Freed

In the town of Onalaska, Wisconsin, the birds got an injunction. They claimed the bird counters were stalking them. / Bird counters should avoid bird flu! Get Emu-nized.

May Peace create your songs
And Joy give you wings
prairie mama
christine

PS: Yes, all the towns in the jokes are real.