Macaroni ePistle

Famous First Words: Who wants to buy this diamond ring. --This Diamond Ring by Gary Lewis and the Playboys

But for the Coronavirus it would be the weekend of the World Lumberjack Championships! A lumberjack went into a magic forest. But when he took up his ax to cut down a tree, it shouted, “Wait, I'm a talking tree!” The lumberjack smiled and said, “And you'll dialogue.” / Lenny the lumberjack clown used to perform at the tree ring circus.

..........Can't you see the sunshine..........James Taylor …..Carolina In My Mind

It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong. --Leo Tolstoy

It is a gray Friday morning. The sky is smeared with clouds that almost, but not quite contain shapes and lumps and shades. A light wind tosses the willow's branches but barely moves the branches on the maple next to it. When the gust passes all the trees are still. No birdsong brightens the backyard. Are the birds sleeping in or have they gone to serenade another neighborhood? Another gust wafts by and tickles the tree leaves and kisses my cheek on its way south. I return to the inside, to the sweetened tartness of my coffee and the comfortable cushion of my chair. The aroma clears my nose and the taste pleases my palate so I am ready to sit down and write to you.

Hope your weekend is hiyu, ePistliers.            ~~Hiyu is Chinook for plenty, enough.

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: So I purchased a music notation face mask to augment my collection thinking that it would look sharp, but my expectations fell flat. After wearing it for an interval, I developed a staff infection and a clef chin. I should have known buying it would lead to treble. It wound up not being a major problem but a minor inconvenience. I do have a diminished opinion of the product though. Not sure if I should throw it out because I don't know how long it will take to decompose. --Submitted by bm of ga

In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees. I know, because I kept a log.. / A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial. The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him: "Is it true you were working at night? How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?" The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."

IFY of the Week: In lumberjack slang Macaroni is sawdust.

..........I fix broken hearts, I know that I truly can..........James Taylor …..Handy Man

Trivia Questions: It's the Gilroy Garlic Festival Weekend. What do you really know about it?

^ Which country grows, uses, and exports the most garlic?

^^ Care to guess how much garlic the average person consumes each year?

^^^ Know what the active ingredient for medicinal garlic is?

^^^^ What's the origin of the name, garlic?

^^^^^ About how much garlic does the US grow?

Big Hello: is salām 'alaykum – Arabic https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Due to personal reasons, I will not be reincarnating on earth again. --Submitted by inrith

Fake Library Statistic of the Week: ‪Did you know that the same person who designed library systems to make all of a patrons holds come in at once also designed smoke detectors to alarm about their low batteries at 4 am https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

One summer while I was in college, I tried my hand at lumberjacking. I couldn't hack it; they gave me the axe. / Did you know that Aaron Burr had a brother who was a lumberjack. His name was Tim.

..........I'm waiting for a daydream to take me through the morning..........James Taylor …..Millworker

Moonbeam: Now here’s somebody who wants to smoke a marijuana cigarette. If he’s caught, he goes to jail. Now is that moral? Is that proper? I think it’s absolutely disgraceful.. --Milton Friedman

Naturally Occurring Mandala of the Week: Garlic

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Do not let them take the temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese and came home with two cases of beer. -Submitted by sb of ar

Week of the Week: International Clown Week (1-7) – I'm thinking of opening a Clown Shoe Store; but it's no small feat. / If a clown farts does it smell funny?

I've always been a nosy workaholic. I once got fired from a lumberjack job for cutting down too many trees. I saw too much. / Kim got a job as a lumberjack but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws 'guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day'. So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day. So he took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong with it. "Let me look at it", said the man in the shop and he switched it on. "What's that noise?" asked Kim?

..........You can't hide the truth with a happy song..........James Taylor …..Rainy Day Man

^ China grows a staggering two-thirds of the world's garlic, around 46 billion pounds per year.

Almanac: It is Friday, July 31, 2020. The moon will be full (Sturgeon) on Monday and is in Capricorn. It is System Administrator Appreciation Day, Uncommon Instruments Awareness Day, and World Ranger Day. In Mexico it is Day of National Mourning (1811-Miguel Hidalgo y Costilla).

Among those born on this day were Elmo Roper (1900), Milton Friedman (1912), Gary Lewis (1946), and Harry Potter (1980).

On July thirty-first Columbus landed on Trinidad (1498), the US government prohibited movies and photos of prize fights (1912), Idlewild Field (now Kennedy)

Airport was dedicated (1948), the Department of Health, Education & Welfare was created (1953), and Chet Huntley retired (1970).

Night Sky,7/31: The waxing gibbous Moon shines just over the Sagittarius Teapot this evening. Covering the Moon with your finger will make the Teapot stars easier to see, unless your evening sky is too bright with summer haze. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Max Picture of the Week: Max the babysitter and Ollie the babysitted

This Week: Saturday, August 1 – National Clown Day & Sandcastle Day & National Mahjong Day

Night Sky, 8/1: Today is Lammas Day or Lughnasadh, one of the four traditional "cross-quarter" days midway between the solstices and the equinoxes. Sort of. Over the centuries since this tradition took root in Europe, the calendar drifted with respect to Earth's position in its orbit. So in 2020, the midpoint between the June solstice and the September equinox actually falls on August 5th, at 1:08 pm EDT.

Sunday, August 2 – National Doll Day & National Kids' Day

Monday, August 3 – Watermelon Day & Friendship Day

Tuesday, August 4 – Coast Guard Day & Raisin Bran Day & Social Security Day

Wednesday, August 5 – National Oyster Day & National Underwear Day

Night Sky, 8/5: Mars rises due east around 11 (or midnight daylight saving time), it's a bright yellow-orange firespark between Pisces and Cetus. Watch for it to rise below the Great Square of Pegasus.

Thursday, August 6 – Hiroshima Day & India Pale Ale Beer Day

A lumberjack chopped up my teeth. But later she apologized and said it was axedental. / Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion? Now he's branch manager.

..........Everything is all right..........James Taylor …..Up On The Roof

^^ The average consumption of garlic is believed to weigh in at around 2 pounds per person. That means eating roughly 102 clovers per person per year.

'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Kinda messed up that we still have to wake up even though we're not allowed to go anywhere, but okay. --Submitted by inrith

Moonbeam: I think that the Internet is going to be one of the major forces for reducing the role of government.--Milton Friedman

Late Night Snacks of the Week: Without the virus under control schools will turn into an Amazon fulfillment center for coronavirus – it starts in a centralized location, and within a couple of days it’s personally delivered to everyone’s house. So until these issues are resolved, most parents in America are stuck between a rock and a hard place. --Trevor Noah / Trump has been so busy shanking the response to the coronavirus that he forgot about his real passion project: demonizing immigrants. But on Tuesday, Trump went “back to the basics” and issued an executive order barring the US census from counting undocumented immigrants. --Stephen Colbert / Finally, the White House announced this week that Trump will resume his daily coronavirus briefings. Oh man, I hate it when a show comes back after a long break and I can’t remember any of the plot lines though it was easy to remember the main characters: Trump is “the villain”, Mike Pence is “the butler …?” and Dr Anthony Fauci is “the guy who should’ve had a spin-off by now but he’s stuck here and only has like three lines an episode”. --Seth Meyers

Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: The six-foot doughnut...is the perfect combination of edible food item and once-in-a-century pandemic safety protocol. How does the six-foot doughnut work? Well, if you've ever been inside of an inner tube, then you know what it's like not to just order but also wear a six-foot doughnut. Upon entering the store, you are given your choice of glazed, chocolate, vanilla or pink icing with sprinkles. Customers simply slip the six-foot doughnut over their head until they're comfortably encased in the six-foot in diameter, 45,000-calorie, 25-pound doughnut outfitted with suspenders to help keep it at waist level. --Peter Grosz Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me 7/25/20

By judging others we blind ourselves to our own evil and to the grace which others are just as entitled to as we are. --Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Lumberjacks often make great singers – incredible timber. / On the other hand they often have trouble logging on to the computer.

..........Just guaranteed to blow your mind..........James Taylor …..Steamroller

^^^ The best way to release the health-happy power of garlic is to cut it, which then turns garlic’s thio-sulfinite compounds into allicin, an antibiotic and anti-fungal that is believed to reduce “bad” cholesterol, as it inhibits enzymes from growing in liver cells.

Worthless Fact of the Week: It takes a sloth 2 weeks to digest its food. It's the slowest digestion period of any mammal.

Wicked Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: How low can we set the bar? Is “I have toilet paper” an actual pick up line these days?

Weird Word of the Week: Fustilugs – a grossly fat or slovenly woman. --Yorkshire, England. The Anatomy of Melancholy by Robert Burton: “Every lover admires his mistress, though she be ... a vast virago, or an ugly tit, a slug, a fat fustilugs”. http://www.worldwidewords.org/weirdwords/ww-fus2.htm

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Store camping items. Carry utensils, food, clothes, maps, medications, and first aid supplies in Ziploc Storage Bags, http://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/ziploc.html

And yet, all lumberjacks end work with a log off. / Lucy the Lumberjack spoke with a thick axe-cent.

...........A hypothetical destination..........James Taylor …..Walking Man

^^^^ Despite its Asian origins, garlic's name is derived from Anglo-Saxon speech. A combination of two Anglo-Saxon words—“gar” (spear) and “lac” (plant)—is believed to be the source of the plant’s name, specifically in reference to the shape of its leaves.

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: At this point, Jesus doesn't need to take the wheel...He needs to pull over and spank some of y'all with his flip flop. --Submitted by #RHOZ

Science Fiction Joke of the Week: "You know," I said, "that Sherlock Holmes was remarkable for his great dignity." "He was?" said my victim, undoubtedly searching his memory of the stories. "Oh, yes," I said gravely, "I'm sure you have often heard of the stately Holmes of England." --Isaac Asimov

Actual Science Joke of the Week: Physics Teacher: “Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn’t that wonderful?” Student: “Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn’t have discovered anything.”

Mild Mannered Curse of the Week: May the pin of the bathroom stall never reach the lock to close the door.

The Lumberjack's Film Festival featured all of TIMBURRRTON's movies. / My friend told this great lumberjack joke the other day. But no one was around to hear it.

..........Stories my poor head has told me..........James Taylor …..Long Ago and Far Away

^^^^^ The USA produces about 400 million pounds of garlic a year.

Month of the Week: August is National Catfish Month --A catfish was having trouble sleeping. The bass next door was too loud. / I went fishing and caught a bass, a catfish, and a hammerfer. What's a hammerfer? Fer driving nails.

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I just ordered a life alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately. --Submitted by ds of mo

Today's Peace of History, July 31, 1991: The United States and the Soviet Union, represented by President George H.W. Bush and General Secretary Mikhail Gorbachev, signed the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty, known as START I. It was the first agreement to actually reduce (by 25-35%) and verify both countries’ stockpiles of nuclear weapons at equal aggregate levels in strategic offensive arms.

A drummer, a lumberjack, and a mathematician formed a band. They called it AlogRhythm. / Louie the Lumberjack says the pit saw is very dangerous. If you don't believe him, go ask his half brother!

..........Take to the highway..........James Taylor …..Country Road

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle July 31, 2020, Macaroni ePistle. Serenity, Schtick, & Sawdust. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047

Moonbeam: Nothing is as permanent as a temporary government program. --Milton Friedman

Cost of War:

As of 7/30/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,048,625,583,847.

As of 7/23/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,046,668,755,203.

As of 7/30/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $981,192,220,849.

As of 7/23/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $979,862,323,658.

As of 7/30/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $783,156,030,129.

As of 7/23/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $781,483,882,863.

As of 7/30/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $333,626,388,985.

As of 7/23/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $333,246,322,720.

As of 7/30/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,146,600,047,103.

As of 7/23/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,141,261,913,336.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

Well, they can't all be perfect like us. --Edgar Hendrix

Famous Last Words: Good night, Dave. --Chet Huntley nightly sign off

..........So, goodnight you moon light ladies..........James Taylor …..Sweet Baby James –Today's play list is from Taylor's Central Park Concert 1979

Homeland Security arrested Lucy the Lumberjack for treeson. / That's Larry the Lumberjack; he has a Ph.D. He sure is a smart feller.

May Peace warm your cockles

And Joy cool your jets

prairie mama

christine

Last Laugh:

Venerable ePistle

Famous First Words: This is the place... --Brigham Young as the pioneers entered Emigration Canyon

Jovial Tell An Old Joke Day! This is literally one of the oldest jokes in the book or the papyrus scroll in this case. It goes: How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish. / A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has just been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be “Pharaoh Roche”.

..........I've got nothing to say but it's okay.........Beatles …..Good Morning, Good Morning

You must be bold, brave, and courageous and find a way...to get in the way. --John Lewis / People do not choose rebellion, it is forced upon them. Revolution is always an act of self-defense. --CT Vivian

It is a warm (81°F) Friday morning. There is no breeze to blow the edge off heat or humidity (79%). The humidity covers the sky with thin clouds that do not block the sun nor hint of rain; they merely hide the blue. Foliage is fully into its summer excess with green everywhere, high and low, north and south. The birds do not care about the weather, they sing and discuss and conference without compliment or complaint. It makes a pleasant background to the sound of car motors and distant dogs barking. Puck stayed inside to sleep. My kitchen smells of brewing coffee. The aroma keeps me company as I add sweetener and cream to my cup. It follows me through the hall to my room where I sit now in front of my computer sipping hot ambition and writing to you.

Hope your weekend has old jokes and new experiences, ePistliers

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Why should we go to school if you won't listen to the educated. --Submitted by amb of ??

Found in the world's oldest "joke book," called "Philogelos" (or "Laughter-Lover"), written by Greeks Hierocles and Philagrius in the 4th century. Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied: "In silence". / What did the Ancient Greeks wear on their feet? Tennis Zeus.

..........Little darlin' the smiles returning to the faces.........Beatles …..Here Comes The Sun

Trivia Questions: It is Pioneer Day in Utah, the day the Mormons arrived and settled in.

^ Utah is home to one of the heaviest organisms on earth. Any idea what it is?

^^ What makes Utah's snow “the greatest snow on earth”?

^^^ Where is the Golden Spike and when was it placed there?

^^^^ What do you know about Utah's Biggest man made pits?

^^^^^ How many of the 5 National Parks in Utah can you name?

Big Hello: Sälam – Amharic (Ethiopia & Eritrea) https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I got my friend a telepathic abacus. It's the thought that counts. --Submitted by fnog

Fake Library Statistic of the Week: 56% of librarians don't really mind that their coworker is giving them the silent treatment. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

Ancient Rome, between 63 BC to 14 AD: The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. "Intrigued he asked: 'Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?' "'No, your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was.' / I got a “C” on my Roman Numerals test. Perfect Score.

..........Where rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies.........Beatles …..Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds

Moonbeam: Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. . --Ambrose Bierce

Naturally Occurring Mandala of the Week: Sego Lily – State flower of Utah

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: The fact is, the peck of pickled peppers you, Peter Piper, picked was on private property. Allitigation --Submitted by msh of bc

Week of the Week: Everybody Deserves A Massage Week (19-25) –You need not worry, the Tiger Balm the masseuse uses has no tiger residue in it at all. The Baby Powder, on the other hand, is 90% babies. / My masseuse calls herself the Muscle Whisperer.

From Sumeria in 1200 BC: Three ox drivers from Adab were thirsty: one owned the ox, the other owned the cow, and the other owned the wagon's load. "The owner of the ox refused to get water because he feared his ox would be eaten by a lion; the owner of the cow refused because he thought his cow might wander off into the desert; the owner of the wagon refused because he feared his load would be stolen. So they all went. In their absence the ox made love to the cow which gave birth to a calf which ate the wagon's load. Problem: Who owns the calf? / Noah used Floodlights on the ark.

..........Yellow lorry slow, nowhere to go.........Beatles …..You Never Give Me Your Money

^ The Trembling Giant, or Pando, in the Fishlake National Forest, is made up of 47,000 genetically identical trees that share a single root system. In addition to being notably massive, it’s also among the oldest organisms on earth—it's been alive for more than 80,000 years. Pictures

Almanac: It is Friday, July 24, 2020. The moon will be first quarter on Monday and is in Virgo. It is Pioneer Day (Utah), Cousins Day, National Drive-Thru Day, National Tequila Day, and Tell an Old Joke Day. In Denmark they celebrate Midsummer Day. In Ecuador and Venezuela it is Bolivar Day (1783). Spain hosts the Valencia Fair featuring Battle of the Flowers.

Among those born on this day were Simon Bolivar (1783), Alexandre Dumas, pere (1802), Ambrose Bierce (1842), Robert Graves (1895), Amelia Earhart (1898), Zelda Fitzgerald (1900), Kenneth B. Clark (1914), Bob Eberly (1916), John D. MacDonald (1916), Bella Abzug (1920), William D. Ruckelshaus (1932), Ruth Buzzi (1936), Chris Sarandon (1942), and Lynda Carter (1951).

On July twenty-fourth Edmund Halley entered Queen's College, Oxford (1673), the French first settled in "Detroit" (1701), the Mormons arrived in Salt Lake City (1847), the rotary printing press was patented (1847), Tennessee was readmitted to the Union (1866), US troops were first used against strikers (1877), Hoover proclaimed the Kellogg-Briand Pact which renounced war (1929), Nixon & Khrushchev held the Kitchen Debate (1959), Apollo 11 returned to earth (1969), Nixon's tapes were liberated by the Supreme Court (1974), Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band the movie debuted (1978), George Brett's hit was disallowed because of pine tar (1983), and MS Magazine returned (1990).

Night Sky, 7/24: The Sagittarius Teapot is in the south these evenings; find it right of Jupiter and Saturn. With the advance of summer, the Teapot is starting to tilt and pour from its spout to the right. The Teapot will tilt farther and farther for the rest of the summer — or for much of the night if you stay out late. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Max Picture of the Week: Max and Ollie holding hands

This Week: Saturday, July 25 – Hire A Veteran Day & Red Shoe Day & National Body Painting Day

Sunday, July 26 – Aunties Day & National Parents Day & One Voice Day

Night Sky, 7/26: The tail of Scorpius is low in the south soon after dark, lower right of the Teapot by hardly a fist at arm's length. How low this whole scene is depends on how far north or south you live: the farther south, the higher. Look for the two stars especially close together in the tail. These are Lambda and fainter Upsilon Scorpii, known as the Cat's Eyes; the cat is tilting his head and winking.

Monday, July 27 – Love Is Kind Day & Take Your Houseplant For a Walk Day

Tuesday, July 28 – National Water Park Day & Parents' Day

Night Sky, 7/28: Southern Delta Aquariids and Alpha Capricornids meteor showers peak tonight. The most active hours just prior to dawn will have slight interference from moonlight but one can overcome this simply facing in a direction where the moon is not visible within your field of view.

Wednesday, July 29 – International Tiger Day & National Lipstick Day

Night Sky, 7/29: Jupiter and Saturn are at opposition this month. So they rise around sunset, loom low in the southeast in twilight, and climb higher as the evening grows late. Jupiter is brightest; Saturn is 7° to its lower left. Farther to Jupiter's right, look for the Sagittarius Teapot.

Thursday, July 30 – Cheesecake Day & Friendship Day & Paperback Book Day

Ancient Chinese Humor: A magistrate asked his court clerk how he got the scratches on his face. The embarrassed clerk said, “Last night, I was walking in the yard, taking in the cool night air, when a grape trellis fell on me and scratched my face.” The magistrate declared, “Only a wife could do this. Have her brought here this instant.” But the magistrate’s own wife had been hiding in the next room, and hearing this she stormed into the court. The terrified magistrate shouted, “Court’s in recess! Clear the court! My own trellis is coming down!” / What's purple and 5000 miles long? The grape wall of China.

..........I'll never do you no harm.........Beatles ….Oh, Darling

^^ Utah snow is supposedly lighter and drier than what’s found in other states, which lends itself well to deep-powder skiing. Research has shown that while Utah’s dry, fluffy snow may not be unique to the state, the high amount of snowfall that hits its top ski resorts has helped to boost its reputation.

'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question? --Submitted by fnog

Moonbeam: Pray: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. --Ambrose Bierce

Late Night Snacks of the Week: It’s not surprising that Arizona would drag its feet on mandating masks. After all, in 1992, it became one of the last states to make Martin Luther King Day an official holiday, nine years after the US government. I know that seems racist, but you’ve gotta remember: it’s a dry hate. --Samatha Bee / Finally, the White House announced this week that Trump will resume his daily coronavirus briefings. Oh man, I hate it when a show comes back after a long break and I can’t remember any of the plot lines. --Seth Meyers / Children younger than 10 spread the virus with about half the frequency of adults, but kids aged 10-19 spread it at the same rate, which is “really not good. I don’t think any of this should be surprising to anyone. Like, I’m not a scientist, but of course teenagers can spread coronavirus everywhere. Just look at how they spread rumors. --Trevor Noah / Oregon’s governor, Kate Brown, said: “We cannot have secret police abducting people in unmarked vehicles. I can’t believe I have to say that to the president of the United States.” Really? You can’t believe that? Because it’s just one of a long list of things you shouldn’t have to say to the president of the United States, like: ‘Frederick Douglass is dead,’ ‘Don’t inject bleach,’ and, ‘You can’t date your daughter.’ --Stephen Colbert

Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: The Times reports that studying chlamydia in koalas could help find a vaccine for humans. Scientists say chlamydia is common among koalas due to their genetic makeup and slutty personalities. The article contains the sentences, "oysters get herpes, rabbits get syphilis" and "dolphins get genital warts" and the phrase, "chlamydia connects us all..." --Peter Sagal Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me 7/18/20

Some of us gave a little blood for the right to participate in the democratic process. --John Lewis / Leadership is found in the action to defeat that which would defeat you...You are made by the struggles you choose. -- CT Vivian

Around 1400: A Friar, who was but moderately considerate, was preaching to the people at Tivoli, and thundering against adultery, which he depicted in colors of the deepest dye. “It is such a horrible sin,” said he, “that I had rather undo ten virgins than one married woman!” Many, among the congregation, would have shared his preference. / In the Middle Ages people celebrated the end of the plague with orgies. Does anyone know if there are already plans?

..........Get a dose of her in jackboots and kilt........Beatles …..Polythene Pam

^^^ In 1869, the nation’s first transcontinental railroad was completed in Promontory, Utah. Construction on the project began in Sacramento to the west and in Omaha to the east and took seven years to build.

Worthless Fact of the Week: The Kellogg–Briand Pact aka Pact of Paris, officially General Treaty for Renunciation of War as an Instrument of National Policy is a 1928 international agreement in which signatory states promised not to use war to resolve "disputes or conflicts of whatever nature or of whatever origin they may be, which may arise among them". Secretary of State Frank B Kellogg signed for the United States

Wicked Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I think we need to stop calling it “working from home” and start calling it “living at work”. --Submitted by inrith ~~Otherwise known as The Housewife's Lament

Weird Word of the Week: Ephebicide – a word to capture the character of the first world war. - wanton mass slaughter of the young by the old. http://www.worldwidewords.org/turnsofphrase/tp-eph1.htm

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Keep passports waterproof. Store your passport in a Ziploc Storage Bag. http://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/ziploc.html

Ante-penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: 2020 is God punishing humanity for making the Cats movie.

1870: While passing a house on the road, two Virginia salesmen spotted a "very peculiar chimney, unfinished, and it attracting their attention, they asked a flaxen-haired urchin standing near the house if it 'drawed well' whereupon the aforementioned urchin gave them the stinging retort: 'Yes, it draws all the attention of all the d***** fools that pass this road / Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!

...........Me hiding me head in the sand.........Beatles …..Getting Better

^^^^ About a 30 minute drive from Salt Lake City, the Bingham Canyon mine has produced 18.1 million tons of copper since Kennecott Copper began digging there a century ago. The mine reaches a quarter of a mile into the earth, making it deep enough to fit two Willis Buildings stacked on top of one another and still have room left at the top. The pit’s massive size makes it easily visible to astronauts as they pass over the state. And because Kennecott digs approximately 250,000 tons of rock from the pit every day, tourists can see the hole grow bigger with every visit (the mine is currently closed to visitors due to movement detected on its northeast wall).

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: 2/3 of Trump's wives were immigrants...proving once again we need immigrants to do jobs most Americans wouldn't do. --Sign at a protest --Submitted by sw of ks

Science Fiction Joke of the Week: A young man is reported to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, "Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started." Mozart said, "The best advice I can give you is to wait until you are older and more experienced, and try your hand at less ambitionous pieces to begin with." The young man looked astonished. "But, Herr Mozart, you yourself wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger than I." "Ah," said Mozart, "but I did so without asking advice." --Isaac Asimov

Actual Science Joke of the Week: John Oliver: You've stated that you believe that there could be an infinite number of parallel universes. Does that mean there is a universe out there where I am smarter than you? Stephen Hawking: Yes, and also a universe where you're funny.

Mild Mannered Curse of the Week: May your article load that extra little bit as you're about to click a link so you click an ad instead.

Suffrage Jokes (c. 1915): Why we Oppose Votes for Men: 1) Because man's place is in the army 2) Because no really manly man wants to settle any questions otherwise than by fighting about it... / What's the biggest drawback to voting by mail? Postage from Russian will cost a fortune.

..........You'll never know what hit you.........Beatles …..I Want You

^^^^^ Utah parks include Arches, Bryce Canyon, Canyonlands, Capitol Reef, and Zion.

Month of the Week: July is Doghouse Repairs Month --Though we never saw the inside of Snoopy's doghouse in the comic strip, it was revealed over the years that it held a lot of personal possessions, including records, books, an original Vincent van Gogh painting, and a pool table. In the 1981 animated special It’s Magic, Charlie Brown, the interior of his doghouse was shown for the first time and indeed featured a van Gogh painting—as well as an alchemy lab.

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I'm sorry for the coin shortage, I started a swear jar. --Submitted by #RHOZ

Today's Peace of History, July 24, 1983: Canadians and Americans spanned the international border at Thousand Islands Bridge, linking New York and Ontario, to protest nuclear weapons and border harassment of peace activists.

1920s:A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. / Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. --H.L. Mecken / What's the difference between the 1920s and the 2020s? In 2020 the depression starts off the decade.

..........What can I do, what can I be........Beatles …..Got To Get You Into My Life

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle July 24, 2020, Venerable ePistle . Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Love, Laughs, and Longevity Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047

Moonbeam: Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. --Ambrose Bierce

Cost of War:

As of 7/23/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,046,668,755,203.

As of 7/16/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,044,683,086,631.

As of 7/23/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $979,862,323,658.

As of 7/16/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $978,512,822,347.

As of 7/23/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $781,483,882,863.

As of 7/16/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $779,787,636,032.

As of 7/23/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $333,246,322,720.

As of 7/16/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $332,860,839,411.

As of 7/23/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,141,261,913,336.

As of 7/16/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,135,845,080,405.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

If someone had told me in 1963 that one day I would be in Congress, I would have said, “You're crazy. You don't know what you're talking about.” --John Lewis / We all dreamed of it. We sat in church and talked about it. We made songs about it. We talked about a new world coming. We talked about all of that, right? Now that it’s here, we’ve got to make it real.

Famous Last Words: Damn it! How will I ever get out of this Labyrinth? --Simon Bolivar

..........It's wonderful to be here; it's certainly a thrill.........Beatles …..Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band ~~All of today's song are from the Beatles Sgt Pepper Lonely Hearts Club Band soundtrack.

The very first joke at which my brother Gary Bill laughed out loud: A drunk jumped out of a fourth floor window and died. The police asked his friend who was also drunk what happened. The man explained that his friend said he was just going to fly around the block and would be right back. The police asked the man why he didn't try to stop his friend. He answered, “I thought he could do it.” ~~In all fairness Gary was about 3 years old and was likely laughing because everyone else was laughing. Nevertheless, it is his oldest joke.

May Peace bear your burden

And Joy lighten your load

prairie mama

christine

Last Laugh:

Cliched ePistle

Famous First Words: Once upon a time, or maybe twice... Yellow Submarine

Happy Sports Cliches Week! I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators. --Gerald Ford

..........What you say and what you will.........Diahann Carroll …..Blah, Blah, Blah

Today the winds of hope blow through Latin America and the Caribbean --Daniel Ortega

It is a dewy Friday morning. The 79°F temperature and 85% humidity make most of the outside surfaces damp – grass, patio furniture, fences. It is a morning of vivid colors – green mostly, but a little blue sky with a bunch of fluffy white clouds, flowers of red and yellow, and Puck's white fluff paralleling the clouds above. I water the tomato plant whose tomatoes are still green while Puck investigates the neighbors' fences for dogs or squirrels or rabbits – anything that moves. There is little breeze and the willow branches hang nearly still. The birds too are relatively calm for such a beautiful morning. Only the chatter of unseen sparrows graces the ear. The beauty of the morning also holds a hint of oppressive heat and humidity to come. We retreat indoors where I fix my coffee – sweet, creamy, hot – and sit down to write to you. Puck? He's sleeping under my desk.

Hope your weekend takes it one game at time, ePistliers.

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: The living room curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real. --Submitted by fnog

All hockey players are bilingual. They know English and profanity. --Gordie Howe

..........I wish I was a soft refrain.........Phoebe Snow …..Harp's Blues

Trivia Questions: Happy Birthday, Disneyland!

^ How much did it cost to build in 1955?

^^ Care to guess what tickets cost in 1955?

^^^ What is the price of a ticket today?

^^^^ Any idea the size of the park in 1955 and now?

^^^^^ About how many people visited Disneyland in 2019?

Big Hello: Эзендер (Ezender) – Altay (Altay Republic) https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Sign outside a London pub: All Americans must be accompanied by an adult. --Submitted by ae of mo

Fake Library Statistic of the Week: 100% of library decisions are made when a vote gets a majority of sighs. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

The first half was even, the second half was even worse. --Pat Spillane

..........Oh, drop a line to say you're feeling fine.........Diahann Carroll …..I'll Be Around

Moonbeam: Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. --Phyllis Diller

Naturally Occurring Mandala of the Week: July bloom – Dahlia

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I'm no governor but I was shutting down bars long before Coronavirus. --Submitted by #RHOZ

Week of the Week: National Ventriloquism Week (15-18) --I've fallen head over heels in love with a ventriloquists doll; unfortunately, she's already spoken for. / A group of ventriloquists was murdered yesterday. Their screams were heard a mile away.

Wrestling is ballet with violence. --Jesse Ventura

..........Let us share some love.........Phoebe Snow …..Sweet Disposition

^ Disneyland had cost $17 million dollars when it opened.

Almanac: It is Friday, July 17, 2020. The moon will be new on Monday and is in Gemini. It is Eid-Al-Fitr, Wrong Way Corrigan Day, and Yellow Pig Day. In Iraq it is Revolution Day/National Day (1968) and in south Korea it is Constitution Day (1948). Finally Puerto Rico celebrates Rivera Day (1859).

Among those born on this day were John Jacob Astor (1763), Luis Rivera (1859), Erle Stanley Gardner (1889), James Cagney (1900), Art Linkletter (1912), Phyllis Diller (1917), Donald Sutherland (1934), Diahann Carroll (1935), David Hasselhoff (1952), and Phoebe Snow (1952).

On July seventeenth Punch published its first issue (1841), the first photograph of a star was taken (Vega, 1850), congress authorized paper money (1861), the first railroad in Hawaii opened (1879), Disneyland opened (1955), Tibet abolished serfdom (1959), Yellow Submarine premiered (1968), the FBI hired it's first female agents (1972), and Florence Griffith Joyner set the 100m women's record (10.49, 1988).

Night Sky, 7/17: As summer progresses, bright Arcturus is moving down the western side of the evening sky. Its pale ginger-ale tint always helps identify it. Arcturus forms the bottom point of the Kite of Bootes. The Kite, rather narrow, extends upper right from Arcturus by 23°, about two fists at arm's length. The top of the kite is bent slightly down, as if something banged into it. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Max Picture of the Week: Ollie recreating Munch's The Scream and Max shocked by it

This Week: Saturday, July 18 – National Caviar Day & Nelson Mandela International Day & Woodie Wagon Day

Sunday, July 19 – Anne Hutchinson Memorial Day & National Ice Cream Day & Flitch Day

Night Sky, 7/19: The tail of Scorpius is low in the south after dark, lower right of the Sagittarius Teapot. How low depends on how far north or south you live: the farther south, the higher. Look for the two stars especially close together in the tail. These are Lambda and fainter Upsilon Scorpii, known as the Cat's Eyes. They're canted at an angle; the cat is tilting his head and winking.

Monday, July 20 – Moon Day & National Lollipop Day & World Jump Day

Tuesday, July 21 – National Be Someone Day & No Pet Store Puppies Day

Wednesday, July 22 – Casual Pi Day & Spooner's Day

Night Sky, 7/22: One of the nice summer star clusters for binoculars is IC 4665 just over the eastern shoulder of Ophiuchus. It's large but sparse, with ten 7th- and 8th-magnitude stars spanning about a third of a degree. In a telescope they seem to me to spell, raggedly, the greeting "HI" (when south-southwest is oriented up).

Thursday, July 23 – Gorgeous Grandma Day & Hot Enough for Ya Day

Playing polo is like trying to play golf during an earthquake. --Sylvester Stallone

..........One of these mornings, you're gonna rise up singing.........Diahann Carroll …..Summertime

^^ Well, in 1955, park admission cost $1, and attractions then cost $0.10 – $0.35. There were 35 attractions open at Disneyland in 1955, which brought the average price-per-attraction to ~$0.23. Guests could buy attraction ticket booklets for $2.50, but they only covered eight attractions each and, like the FastPass+, they only offered one or two tickets per area.

'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. --Ambrose Bierce

Moonbeam: You know you're old when your walker has an airbag. --Phyllis Diller

Late Night Snacks of the Week: Donald Trump finally appeared in public with the safety measure in place during a visit to Walter Reed medical center. Wow, only four months too late. What’s he going to do next, drag his Christmas tree out to the curb? Start making sourdough starter and watching Tiger King? Govern? --Seth Meyers / Trump finally wearing a mask, yeah, it was a really smart move – if today were March 13^th. Years from now, that mask will be in the Smithsonian, and none of us will be able to see it because we’ll still be in lockdown. --Jimmy Fallon / I know that part of the reason Trump resisted wearing the mask for so long is because he is self-conscious about his image. So let me go on record as saying: President Trump, don’t listen to any of the haters out there, who are saying you look like a diabetic Bane or Shredder from the Ninja Turtles if all he shredded was cheese.’ You look great, so please keep wearing that mask. --Trevor Noah / So Coronavirus cases are skyrocketing, but don’t worry, because the White House is working hard on an aggressive new plan: discredit Dr Anthony Fauci. --Stephen Colbert

Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: Yes - and you thought deer vasectomy was just the name of the world's worst advice column. Due to pandemic-related budget issues, funding for the $700,000 deer vasectomy program on Staten Island was going to be, well, cut. But local officials demanded the mayor reconsider, fearing the borough could be overrun with Staten Island deer. You don't want that. (Imitating New York accent) Yo, Eddie (ph), come check out this guy's shrub. It's delicious. --Peter Sagal Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me 7/11/20

The man who doesn't ask his country for even a handful of earth for his grave deserves to be heard, and not only to be heard, but also to be believed. --Augusto Sandino

Rugby is a beastly game played by gentlemen; soccer is a gentleman's game played by beasts; football is a beastly game played by beasts. --Henry Blaha

..........I didn't know no better.........Phoebe Snow …..In My Girlish Days

^^^ Disneyland offers a range of tickets. The cheapest is a two day pass for a child at $220, The most expensive is an adult park hopper 4 day ticket at $395.

Worthless Fact of the Week: The Muskox is the favorite animal of Alex Trebek (Jeopardy host). The Washington zoo named their new baby muskox after him.

Wicked Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: There are two rules in life: 1. Never give out all the information --Submitted by #RHOZ

Weird Word of the Week: Disintermediation – cutting out the middle man http://www.worldwidewords.org/turnsofphrase/tp-dis1.htm

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Pack children's clothes for a trip. Place one outfit into a freezer bag, zip the bag shut most of the way (leaving an opening roughly one-inch long), and then sit on the bag to expel the air. Seal the bag partially shut, place your mouth against the opening, inhale to suck the remaining air from the bag, and seal the bag shut. The plastic freezer bags make it easier to stay organized, and sucking the air from the bags compresses the amount of space the clothes take up. http://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/ziploc.html ~~This seemed unnecessarily long and detailed.

I've never lost a game, I just ran out of time. --Michael Jordan

...........two left feet, oh, so neat.........Diahann Carroll …..Sweet Georgia Brown

^^^^ Disneyland opened on 160 acres of orange groves. Today it sits on 500 acres.

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I don't care why you summoned it, put that demon back. NO DON”T LICK IT. --Goth Auntie —Submitted by arh of ar

Science Fiction Joke of the Week: Asimov also wrote a short story, Jokester, in which a character wonders where the jokes come from, since so many people say "I heard a good one", but never "I invented a good one". His investigation will lead him to think that jokes are of alien origin and designed to study the psychology of earthlings.

Actual Science Joke of the Week: A photon walks into a hotel. The bellhop asks, “Do you have any luggage?” The photon answers, “No.....I'm traveling light. --Neil DeGrasse Tyson's geekiest science joke

Mild Mannered Curse of the Week: May every “empty” parking space you see in the distance actually contain a motorcycle.

I don't have any tricky plays, I'd rather have tricky players. --Abe Lemons

..........The sky's a blackboard high above you.........Phoebe Snow …..Teach Me Tonight

^^^^^ Disneyland drew 18.7 million visitors last year while the Magic Kingdom hosted 20.9 million visitors, both up 2% from the year before.

Month of the Week: Dog Days of Summer (7/3-8/11) It's so hot Siri asked to be dipped in a glass of ice water. / It's so hot the Betty Ford Clinic opened a wet bar.

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Why did the chicken cross the road? It had been crossing so long it could not remember. As it stopped in the middle to look back, a car sped by, spinning it around. Disoriented, the chicken realized it could no longer tell which way it was going. It stands there still. --From Kafka's Joke Book by John McNamee

Today's Peace of History, July 17, 1979: Fighters of the Sandinista National Liberation Front overthrew the dictatorial regime of Somoza in the Republic of Nicaragua and forced him to flee the country. The notorious and feared US-trained National Guard crumbled and its surviving commanders negotiated a surrender, despite their superiority in armaments.

The NFL, like life, is full of idiots. --Randy Cross

..........It's time to wind up the masquerade.........Diahann Carroll …..The Party's Over

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle July 17, 2020, Cliched ePistle. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Serenity, Silliness, & Sayings. Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047

Moonbeam: Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance? --Phyllis Diller

Cost of War:

As of 7/16/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,044,683,086,631.

As of 7/9/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,042,746,657,478.

As of 7/16/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $978,512,822,347.

As of 7/9/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $977,196,706,098.

As of 7/16/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $779,787,636,032.

As of 7/9/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $778,132,896,886.

As of 7/16/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $332,860,839,411.

As of 7/9/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $332,484,724,007.

As of 7/16/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,135,845,080,405.

As of 7/9/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,130,561,577,804.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

If we do not cling to riches, selfishness or greed – then I believe we are getting closer to God. --Daniel Ortega Today's quotes are from leaders of the Sandinista National Liberation Front.

Famous Last Words: The ladies have to go first. Goodbye, dearie, I'll see you later. --John Jacob Astor aboard the Titanic

..........He has conquered inner space.........Phoebe Snow …..Take Your Children Home

It's a round ball and a round bat, and you got to hit it square. --Pete Rose

May Peace be your honey

And Joy be your butter

prairie mama

christine

Last Laugh: