Friday, August 30, 2019

Happy Luck ePIstle


Famous First Words: Keep on truckin' --R Crumb
August is Happiness Happens Month. Here are some jokes from various Prairie Home Companion Joke Shows to make you happy: Why do we call it politics? Because poly means many and ticks means blood-sucking parasites. / Philip Morris said today that the tobacco settlement is costing so much money that they may have to lay off two Republican senators.
..........It's a shame that all the blame is on us women.........Kitty Wells …..It Wasn't God Who Made Honky Tonk Angels
With her courage and determination, Malala has shown what terrorists fear most; a girl with a book. --Ban Ki-Moon
It is a damp Friday morning. The sky is totally eclipsed by thick white and gray clouds. Grass and leaves are sparkling with drops left from last night's rain and the temperature (69°F) is cool and moist. There is little breeze that moves the limbs to drop water on our heads but the sidewalk is riddled with tiny pools and ponds. The birds are still abed or at least silent. But Puck barks at the squirrel in the tree across the street and at each student leaving their home to walk to school. “Have a grouchy good day!” We hurry along investigating each puddle to get home and run our errands. The house is cool and dark and quiet and I leave it that way until I return with groceries and stuff. But now, errands run, breakfast consumed, fresh hot coffee caressing my mouth and nose, I get write to you.
Hope your weekend is the happiest in ages, ePistliers
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Duh, they have the same middle name. / My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don't mind him reading lips, but he uses a yellow highlighter.
Happy 50th anniversary of the firing of the Smothers Brothers: If you’re old enough to get arrested, you’re old enough to carry a gun. Guns are a necessity; what if you’re walking down the street and spot a moose? --Pat Paulsen
..........Manana morning my darling.........Kitty Wells …..Amigo's Guitar
Trivia Questions: Happy Toasted Marshmallows Day !
^ Any idea where the name marshmallow comes from?
^^ During any given summer, what percentage of marshmallows sold are toasted?
^^^ Care to guess when marshmallows were first used in candy?
^^^^ About when did s'mores enter marshmallow history?
^^^^^ And, finally, where, exactly is the marshmallow capital of the world?
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Don't think Bernie Sanders is effective? He released his climate plan yesterday and ALREADY David Koch is dead. --pj of ks
Fake Library Statistic of the Week: 19% of library staff have been banned from using the library microwave. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts
President Bush's State of the Union speech got higher ratings than American Idol. Millions of people turned in thinking they could vote him off. / In his State of the Union address, President Bush said the economy is on the move. It's moving to India
Dick: Well, look, it's a very, very, very, very difficult situation. You know, people keep spending money abroad, and it's hurting our economy. People keep wanting to travel to other countries instead of staying here in the United States. Tom: Yeah, well, I think President Johnson should come up with something positive as an inducement to keep the people, something very positive as an inducement. Dick: Yeah, that's right. That's good thinking. Tom: But lookit, what can the president do to make people want to stay in this country? Dick: Well, he could quit.
Greenland to the US, Alaska to Russia, and Crimea to Denmark in a blockbuster three-team trade. --Matt Pearce
..........Dreaming, in all my dreams.........Kitty Wells …..Searching
Moonbeam: Invention, it must be humbly admitted, does not consist of creating out of void, but out of chaos. --Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley
Naturally Occurring Mandala of the Week: Hair

Big Hello: Tashi delek - Tibetan https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm
Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: At my funeral take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.
Week of the Week: World Water Week (25-30) –Sharks only swim in salt water because pepper water makes them sneeze. / The ocean and the sea had a baby. It was a buoy.
Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic? He always thought he was following someone. / The minister raises his hands and says: “we are but dust...” The little girl turns to her mother and says, “what is butt dust?”
There was the phrase in it - I feel my heart beating in my breast - and the censors wouldn't let them say breast. So they ended up saying I feel my heart beating in my wrist.
MAGA is an anagram of Make Greenland American Already –Jonah Goldberg
..........Man made laws to set you free.........Kitty Wells …..Will Your Lawyer Talk To God
^ Marshmallow was made from the mallow plant (Athaea officinalis) that grows wild in marshes. Mallow is native to Asia and Europe and has been naturalized in America.
Almanac: It is Friday, August 30, 2019. The moon is new today and is in Virgo. It is International Day of the Victims of Enforced Disappearance, National Toasted Marshmallows Day, and National Holistic Pet Day. In Afghanistan it is Children's Day and in Turkey it is Victory Day (1922) .
Among those born on this day were Jacques-Louis David (1748), Mary Wollstonecraft Shelly (1797), Ellen Arthur (1837), Ernest Rutherford (1871), Huey P. Long (1893), Raymond Massey (1896), Roy Wilkins (1901), Joan Blondell (1909), Ted Williams (1918), Kitty Wells (1919), Johnny Mann (1928), John Swigert (1931), and R. Crumb (1943).
On August thirtieth the Liberty Party convention became the first to have black participation (1843), Honolulu was incorporated (1850), 13,000 meteors were seen during one hour (1885), Ty Cobb had his first major league at bat (1905), the first negro judge was confirmed for the US District Court (1961), The Democratic National Convention refused to seat any delegates from the Mississippi Freedom Democratic Party (MFDP), Fannie Lou Hamer led that delegation which was eventually seated but given no vote. (1964), Tom Brokaw became the anchor of the Today Show (1976), and President Carter was attacked by a rabbit (1979).
Night Sky,8/30: August is prime Milky Way time now that the Moon is out of the evening sky. Once twilight fully ends, the Milky Way runs from Sagittarius in the south, up and left across Aquila and through the big Summer Triangle overhead, and on down through Cassiopeia to Perseus in the northeast. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/
Max Picture of the Week: Max auditioning for Strictly Ballroom

This Week: Saturday, August 31 - Bacon Day & Love Litigating Lawyers Day & National Cowgirl Day
Sunday, September 1 – Random Acts of Kindness Day aka Be Kind Day & World Letter Writing Day
Night Sky, 9/1: Altair is the brightest star on the southern side of the sky after dark. (We're not counting the planets Jupiter and Saturn, far to its lower right.) Spot Altair's little orange companion Tarazed to its upper right by just a finger width at arm's length. Look to Altair's upper left, by a bit more than a fist, for little Delphinus, the Dolphin. Closer above Altair is even smaller, fainter Sagitta, the Arrow
Monday, September 2 – Labor Day
Tuesday, September 3 – Skyscraper Day & Another Look Unlimited Day
Night Sky, 9/3: Two of the most famous deep-sky objects, the Double Cluster in Perseus and the Great Andromeda Galaxy M31, are in high view in the east. Did you know they're only 22° apart? They're both cataloged as 4th magnitude but they look rather different, the more so the darker your sky
Wednesday, September 4 – Newspaper Carrier Day
Thursday, September 5 – Be Late For Something Day & Jury Rights Day & International Day of Charity
An angel is talking to God. The angel says, “Look, God, I know that you're all-seeing and all-knowing, but for the knock-knock joke to work, you have to say “Who's there”. / Bill Gates died and went to heaven and was given a little cottage in the woods and next door was a mansion with a golf course and tennis courts, and there lived the captain of the Titanic. “Why does he deserve better?” Bill said to God. “Because the Titanic only crashed once.”
They ought to put an amendment to the First Amendment that says there shall also be freedom of hearing. --Tom Smothers
Trump is going to buy Greenland and Mexico is going to pay for it. --Jesse Ferguson
..........Sometimes I'm lonely and time stands still.........Kitty Wells …..Heartbreak USA
^^ Each summer more than 50% of all marshmallows sold are toasted over a fire.
'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Moonbeam: Beware; for I am fearless, and therefore powerful. --Mary Wollstonecraft Shelly
Classic Late Night Snacks of the Week: Donald Drumpf is leading among Christian evangelical voters. They love him. Apparently, they like him because a Drumpf presidency would mean the world really is coming to an end. --Conan O'Brien / Kellogg’s announced today that it will be spending 450 million dollars in an effort to expand its food distribution to Africa. Though sadly, it was reported today that Tony the Tiger was gunned down by a Minnesota dentist. --Seth Meyers / Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker says that he thinks only 12 states will decide the presidential election. And if Drumpf wins, those 12 states will include shock, confusion, outrage, despair, denial, anger, bargaining and finally acceptance. --Jimmy Fallon / Congress was back in session after a five-week summer break. They have until September 30 to pass a budget to ensure that the government stays up and running, or else they will be forced to, well, I guess go back on vacation. --Jimmy Kimmel / The Miss America Pageant crowned its 94th winner last night. There was lots of excitement, plenty of surprises. The biggest surprise for me was finding out that you guys still do this. I understand that Miss America is an old American tradition, but so was dying of polio, and you've managed to stop that. Technically the winner last night was anyone who didn't watch, but the official winner was Miss Georgia. --James Corden –from September 2015
Classic Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: Oh, it happens so often. Amazon came to New York with just a dream and $100 billion in its pocket. New York said, yeah, a bunch of you clowns get off of Port Authority every day. This is a city that will tolerate 3 billion rats and regularly sitting in pee in the subway, but Amazon - hell, no. --Peter Sagal Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me 2/16/19
The world is over-armed and peace is underfunded. --Ban Ki-Moon
If you can't be kind, at least be vague. / My only sin is vanity. I look in the mirror each morning and think how beautiful I am. That's not a sin..that's a mistake.
I found out that I couldn't have a nervous breakdown. I tried a couple of times, but it just didn't work out. My mind, my body wouldn't let me. --Tom Smothers
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with an exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland”. --Yoni Appelbaum
..........A soft song fell within his hearing.........Kitty Wells …..We Buried Her Beneath the Willows
^^^ Ancient Egyptians were the first to enjoy a gooey treat from marshmallow as early as 2000 BC. The treat was considered very special and it was reserved for gods and royalty.
Worthless Fact of the Week: Tyrus Raymond Cobb (December 18, 1886 – July 17, 1961), nicknamed The Georgia Peach, .... On August 30, 1905, in his first major league at bat, he doubled off of Jack Chesbro of the New York Highlanders.
Wicked Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: It is just a matter of time before they add the word “syndrome” after my last name. --Kenneth Wright
Weird Word of the Week: Fimbriated – heraldry..a narrow border around the main design OR Science..an animal or plant that has a fringe of hairs or the like. http://www.worldwidewords.org/weirdwords/ww-fim1.htm
Wacky Uses for Common Products: Remove glue from furniture. Apply a dab of Wesson Vegetable Oil and rub. http://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/wesson.html
Do you have any pornographic literature? I don't even have a pornograph. / Before they invented golf balls, how did they measure hail?
If the soup boils, call it consummé. --Goldie Keif (the tokin woman)
Denmark offered to buy the senate from the NRA.
...........The light shines bright from you window.........Kitty Wells …..Mansion On The Hill
^^^^ No one knows for sure who invented the s'more. However, the first published recipe for “some mores" was in a 1927 publication called Tramping and Trailing with the Girl Scouts. Loretta Scott Crew, who made them for Girl Scouts by the campfire, is given credit for the recipe.
Capitalist Meme of the Week: Socialism doesn't mean taking wealth from those who work hard and giving it to those who don't. You're thinking of capitalism.
Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: How do you make a banjo sound beautiful? Trade it in for a violin. --Submitted by ra of ks
Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Of course I believe in the here after. Every time I walk into the kitchen I think, “what am I here after?”.
Science Fiction Convention of the Week: CoKoCon 2019 (20-2, Phoenix) –Featuring Apocalypse Later, a mini-film festival. http://cokocon.org/2019/index.html
Actual Science Convention of the Week: ACL 2019: Association for Computational Linguistics. (28-2, Florence, Italy) Out of millions of jobs, see the newest ones and be an early applicant. http://www.guide2research.com/conference/acl-2019
Puck the Brave Episode of the Week: Here's our nearly fearless, Justice, braving the thunder with Jeff while Puck sleeps under my desk in the case of the Large Lazy Lapdog.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? / I longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so I got a dog. It's cheaper, and you get more feet.
Here's your hippy dippy weatherman with all your hippy dippy weather, man. --George Carlin as Al Sheet
If we sell California to China to pay off our debt and annex Greenland, we don't even need a new flag. Everyone wins. --Greg Pollowitz
..........Though I knew I must atone.........Kitty Wells …..Back Street Affair
^^^^^ The marshmallow capital of the world is in Ligonier, Indiana. Ligonier is also the home of the Annual Marshmallow Festival.
Month of the Week: August is National Breastfeeding Month --Today I kicked a breastfeed mom out of my restaurant...not because other customers thought she was indecent, but because we have a no outside food or drinks policy.
Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned. --50 Nerds of Grey
Grammar Joke of the Week: General: Sir, we are mining too many useless minerals. Drumpf: Mine less then. General: Mine fewer. Drumpf: Yes? What do you need now.
Today's Peace of History. August 30, 1967: The Senate confirmed the appointment of Thurgood Marshall as the first Supreme Court Justice of African-American descent. Marshall had been counsel to the NAACP Legal Defense Fund, and had been the lead attorney in the Brown v. Board of Education case. He was appointed to the Court by President Lyndon Johnson after having served as Solicitor General of the US for two years, and on the U.S. Court of Appeals for four.
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? How many therapists do you think it takes to change a light bulb? / How many choir directors does it take to change a light bulb? No one know because no one watches the director.
Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles. --Pat Paulsen
..........All heads were bowed mighty low.........Kitty Wells …..Sweeter Than The Flowers
Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle August 30, 2019, Happy Luck ePistle. Peace, Love, and Stale Jokes. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047
Moonbeam: No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks. --Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley
Cost of War:
As of 8/29/19 Military Costs of War since 2001: $2,953,806,010,934.
As of 8/22/19 Military Costs of War since 2001: $2,951,418,701,759.
As of 8/29/19 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $916,752,432,084.
As of 8/22/19 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $915,419,018,071.
As of 8/29/19 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $702,146,014,466.
As of 8/22/19 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $700,469,523,491.
As of 8/29/19 Veterans Care since 2001: $315,215,051,599.
As of 8/22/19 Veterans Care since 2001: $314,833,967,136.
As of 8/29/19 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $4,887,921,896,147.
As of 8/22/19 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $4,882,036,168,121.
Parting Words of the Week: Boob owners listen. Small boob owners were often teased, compared to boys, and feel too flat to be feminine. Big boob owners were often over sexualized, don't fit popular fashion and feel too big to be feminine. But we must united to fight the real enemy: Climate Change. --Submitted by rmar of ks
By empowering today’s youth, we will lay the groundwork for a more sustainable future for generations to come. --Ban Ki-Moon
..........I paid for each mistake with millions of bitter tears.........Kitty Wells …..I Don't Claim To Be An Angel
Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight? Depends on how fast you carry the flashlight. / So three skunks went to church. The priest made them sit in their own pew.
Famous Last Words: 30. Draw five circles that one common inter-locking part. --Voting Literary Test
May Peace give you joy
And Joy give you peace
prairie mama
christine


Last Laugh:


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Friday, August 23, 2019

Marked ePistle


Famous First Words: Jeanie, fresh as a daisy... Theme Song I Dream of Jeanie
Happy Birthday to Mark Russell: You've got the brain-washed, that's the Democrats, and the brain-dead, that's the Republicans. --Mark Russell / I do jokes about what's funny, and both sides are funny. --Mark Russell
..........I'm not tryin to cause a big s-s-sensation.........Keith Moon & The Who …..My Generation
In the end, it comes down to values, as was said so many times today. We want the world our children inherit to be defined by the values enshrined in the UN Charter: peace, justice, respect, human rights, tolerance, and solidarity. --Secretary-General Designate Antonio Guterres
It is a cloudy Friday morning. The 73°F is lovely but the air is slightly muggy with only a hint of breeze to move the willow branches or cool the cheek. The sun finds small breaks in the clouds to shine patterns on the gray pavement and green lawns. A murder of crows seem to be complaining about the day but they fly about as if they are enjoying it. The matins of other birds are lost in the loud raven squawk but a few cicada are adding voice to the daily soundtrack. The on again off again pond at the end of the cul de sac is a muddy, gummy mess with green weeds and grasses rising out of it. It smells of stale dampness, of mud, of swamp. The city, no doubt, has sprayed the nearby thistle with something and the talk green stalks with purple flowers have turned pale and look sickly. I wonder briefly what was used, but I am not sure I want to know. The world is still very green with hints color – purple, yellow, white – from flowers and mushrooms and other plants. Puck greets the people down the street who smile briefly but most ignore him. We make our way back home to the smell of brewing coffee and the feel of comfort and familiarity. So now I sit sipping decaf and writing to you. Doesn't get much better.
Hope your weekend makes you laugh out loud, ePistliers.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. --Mark Russell
..........He lived in the sand at the Isle of Man.........Keith Moon & The Who …..Happy Jack
Trivia Questions: It's Sponge Cake Day!
^ Sponge cake consists of what 3 basic ingredients?
^^ Any idea what the Renaissance biscuit has to do with sponge cake?
^^^Care to guess when the first recipe for sponge cake appeared in print?
^^^^ Ladyfingers weren't always tiny sponge cakes; know what the name first applied to?
^^^^^ Why is August 23rd designated Sponge Cake Day?
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Remember back when Sarah Palin was the craziest person in politics? Good Times. --Submitted by ma of va
Fake Library Statistic of the Week: Breakdown of Public Library Reference Desk Questions: 27% - Where's the bathroom? 18% - Do you have a stapler? 17% - When do you get off? 16% - What's a good book? 22% – Have you seen my child? https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts
The way money goes so fast these days, they should paint racing stripes on it. --Mark Russell
..........'cause there's magic in my eyes.........Keith Moon & The Who …..I Can See For Miles
Moonbeam: If we are to prosper together in our increasingly small world, we must listen to – and learn from each others' stories. --Queen Noor
Naturally Occurring Mandala of the Week: Human Eye

Apology of the Decade: People noticed that I tried to slice 10 years off my age by claiming that Woodstock was 40 years ago. I knew it was 50, I didn't catch it either time I proofed … No, you don't get to slice 10 years of your age either. ~~My most memorable image from the movie is a bulldozer cleaning up the trash in the aftermath.
Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Using your turn signal is not “giving information to the enemy” --Submitted by sd of ks
Week of the Week: National Chef's Appreciation Week (18-24) –Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He shouted, I cannoli do so much and then he just pasta way. His legacy will become a pizza history.
People are not in a good mood when any politician's face appears on television. --Mark Russell
..........There has to be a twist.........Keith Moon & The Who …..Pinball Wizard
^ The traditional sponge cake is easy to make since it consists of just three very basic ingredients: flour, sugar and eggs. The key to the perfect sponge cake is in the technique. The batter must be beaten thoroughly in order to create volume.
Almanac: It is Friday, August 23, 2019. The moon is last quarter today and is in Taurus. It is International Day for the Rembrance of the Slave Trade and its Abolition (UNESCO), National Sponge Cake Day, and Valentino Day. In Romania it is Liberation Day (1944-1990) and in Swaziland it is Umhlanga Day.
Among those born on this day were Louis XVI (1754), John Sherman Cooper (1901), Gene Kelly (1912), Bob Crosby (1913), Mark Russell (1932), Barbara Eden (1934), Sonny Jurgensen (1934), Keith Moon (1947), Shelley Long (1949), Queen Noor of Jordan (1951), and River Phoenix (1970).
On August twenty third the Peace of Prague ended the Austro-Prussian war (1866), the National Negro Business League was organized (1900), and Intelsat was launched (1973).
Night Sky, 8/23: Last-quarter Moon (exactly at 10:56 am). The Moon rises tonight around midnight or so, below the Pleiades. Accompanying the Moon will be orange Aldebaran. By the beginning of dawn Saturday morning, they all stand high in the southeast. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/
Max Picture of the Week: Max auditioning for Hamilton

This Week: Saturday, August 24 – International Strange Music Day & Castle Day & International Bat Night
Sunday, August 25 – Kiss and Make Up Day & National Park Service Day
Night Sky, 8/25: Take advantage of these moonless late evenings to use your scope to pick out the asteroids Eunomia (now magnitude 8.4), Laetitia (9.4), and Psyche (9.8) just north of the Capricornus star pattern
Monday, August 26 – National Dog Day & Women's Equality Day
Tuesday, August 27 – Just Because Day
Night Sky, 8/27: Mercury - low in the dawn this week about 1/2 hour before sunrise. Uranus is high in the south just before dawn. Neptune is well up in the southeast by 11 pm. Venus & Mars are lost in the glare of the sun.
Wednesday, August 28 – National Bow Tie Day & Tug-Of-War Day
Night Sky, 8/28: Jupiter is the white dot in the south as twilight fades. Saturn is the steady, pale yellowish star in the south-southeat during and after dusk.
Thursday, August 29 – More Herbs, Less Salt Day & Individual Rights Day & According to Hoyle Day
You know that a given in life in human nature, is that at a sporting event, a baseball game, a football game, you never introduce a politician, is because he'll be booed. I don't care if he's the most beloved person in the world, its part of the game. --Mark Russell
..........Well, I'm gonna find a home.........Keith Moon & The Who …..Goin' Mobile
^^ During the Renaissance, English and French chefs introduced into their nations’ cuisine something called a “biscuit.” These “biscuits” were the forerunners of today’s sponge cake.
'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: The difference between Donald Trump and Greenland? Greenland is not for sale. --Amy Klobuchar --Submitted by ma of va ~~Heard another version of this today. The difference between Greenland and a Republican. Would work with Kentucky or Moscow Mitch as well.
Moonbeam: Today, there is no excuse for any one of us to sit back and go, “Ugh! There's nothing I can do about it.” Because there is always something that can be done. --Queen Noor
Late Night Snacks of the Week: There's a petition to rename a block in New York President Barack Obama Avenue. Whenever a car tries to turn left, it will be blocked by Mitch McConnell. --Stephen Colbert / I’m not saying the economy’s in trouble but right now, giving money to John Hickenlooper’s presidential campaign is a better investment. Drumpf's opponents are concerned that he doesn't have the tools to deal with economic downfall. Not true, I have Eric and Don Jr. --Jimmy Fallon / I would say that lying for him is as natural as breathing but he's not great at breathing either. Drumpf lies once every three hours on average. That means he has to wake up in the middle of the night just to make sure he can get his lies in. He wears a Fib-bit. --Seth Meyers
Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: Yeah. I get NPR people who are coming to the show, and they're fun. They are nice. Like Tom says, they're nice. I can always tell them because they're the ones that ooh. You know, because I say a few things that I might not say here. And then I'm also on - I'm on Comedy Central's show "The New Negroes." So the NPR crowd can't say the title of that show... --Alonzo Bodden Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me 8/17/19
Our most serious shortcoming – and here I refer to the entire international community – is our inability to prevent crises. The United Nations was born from war. Today we must be here for peace. --Secretary-General Designate Antonio Guterres
You know when Jerry Ford gets the best joke, you know you're in trouble. --Mark Russell
..........Only love can make it rain.........Keith Moon & The Who …..Love Reign O'er Me
^^^ Gervase Markham, English poet and author, recorded the earliest sponge cake recipe in English in 1615. These sponge cakes were most likely thin, crisp cakes (more like modern cookies).
Worthless Fact of the Week: The National Negro Business League was founded in Boston. It predated the US Chamber of Commerce by 12 years. In 1966 it reincorporated in DC and renamed itself The National Business League.
Wicked Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Cats have 32 muscles in each ear to help them ignore you. --Submitted by eg of mt
Weird Word of the Week: Ecotarianism - is the new buzzword, a kind of greatest hits of all our favorite food movements from the past decade. It’s about sourcing locally, organically, sustainably, in season, and leaving Earth’s resources untouched. http://www.worldwidewords.org/turnsofphrase/tp-eco9.htm
Wacky Uses for Common Products: Soothe tired feet. Rub warmed Wesson Vegetable Oil into your feet, wrap in a damp hot towel, and sit for ten minutes. http://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/wesson.html
If the audience doesn't like it, usually they're just silent. But they've never all walked out at once. --Mark Russell
...........And the music's all right.........Keith Moon & The Who …..Squeeze Box
^^^^ The name “ladyfingers” was originally applied to okra, not the little sponge cakes with which we associate the name today.
Capitalist Meme of the Week: So you sell merchandise promoting your anti-capitalist agenda? Tell me more about this thing called Hypocrisy.
Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Denmark offers to buy the United States from Russia.
Science Fiction Convention of the Week: San Diego Kids' Film Festival (23-25): 150+ films from 30+ countries. http://sdkidsfilms.org/Home.html
Actual Science Convention of the Week: OK Wise (23, Tulsa) A conference highlighting the scientific, economic, and societal impacts being made by Oklahoma women. https://www.eventbrite.com/e/ok-wise-conference-2019-tickets-63806358536
Puck the Brave Episode of the Week: Here's our fearless Puck investigating the Supernatural in the case of the Ghostly Gordon.

When you trick somebody into participating in a small-time fraud, it's called a 'scam'. But when the scam is so big that people have no choice but to participate, it's called 'economics'. --Mark Russell
..........Those pills I took have no effect at all.........Keith Moon & The Who …..Doctor, Doctor
^^^^^ Like many food holidays, National Sponge Cake Day doesn’t have an origin. It just suddenly appeared on the web. National Day Calendar notes that it could not track down a creator of the holiday. Google Trends shows that there were searches for the holiday as far back as 2006 in the US a Google search found that the site Gone-Ta-Pott, which was created in 2004, mentioned the holiday in 2007. By 2010, the holiday was mentioned on a Smithsonian Institution blog.
Quote of the Week: You got to disturb the peace when you can't get no peace –Aretha Franklin
Month of the Week: July is Rye Month --The bakery had to close after everything went a rye. / A Baker specializing in making Rye bread is disheartened. He works long hours and while his wages are decent, they are nothing special. He wants to strike it rich and make something of himself. He hears that a lot of money can be made for trapping in the Canadian wilderness so he sells his bakery and moves to Canada to fulfill his dreams. Unfortunately it doesn't go as planned. He is making even less money than before. After a while he fears he will not have enough money to feed himself. He goes to a bar to drown his sorrows, and explains this all to a man at the bar. The Baker asks him what he should do. The man says, "if at furs you don't succeed, try rye again."
Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Lucky for me I don't have enough friends for an intervention.
Grammar Joke of the Week: The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don’t just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary." --James D. Nicoll
Today's Peace of History, August 23, 1989: Over one million people joined hands across the three Baltic republics (Lithuania, Latvia, and Estonia) in a 400-mile-long chain of resistance against control by the USSR.
Of course, with any new technology, the question in the back of everyone's mind is “Can I have sex with it or use it to kill people?”
..........Pay before we start.........Keith Moon & The Who …..The Acid Queen
Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle, August 23, 2019, Marked ePistle. Peace, Love, and Satire. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ . Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047
I Lied Here's One More Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I got a job at Comcast and completed training so I could fix my own cable because it was faster than being on hold with customer service. --Simon Holland
Moonbeam: I have no intention of sharing my authority. --Louis XVI
Cost of War:
As of 8/22/19 Military Costs of War since 2001: $2,951,418,701,759.
As of 8/15/19 Military Costs of War since 2001: $2,949,856,195,034.
As of 8/22/19 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $915,419,018,071.
As of 8/15/19 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $914,067,240,156.
As of 8/22/19 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $700,469,523,491.
As of 8/15/19 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $698,770,139,844.
As of 8/22/19 Veterans Care since 2001: $314,833,967,136.
As of 8/15/19 Veterans Care since 2001: $314,447,732,871.
As of 8/22/19 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $4,882,036,168,121.
As of 8/15/19 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $4,877,142,064,975.
Humanitarian response, sustainable development, and sustaining peace are three sides of the same triangle --Secretary-General Designate Antonio Guterres
..........And I became aware this year.........Keith Moon & The Who …..We're Not Gonna Take It
No offense, but it seems like the whole point of civilization is to get someone else to do your killing for you. --Mark Russell / I try not to speak to critics. It only encourages them. --Mark Russell
Famous Last Words: in the year of salvation, eighteen hundred sixty and six. --Treaty of Prague
May Peace charm your days
And Joy enchant your nights
prairie mama
christine
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Friday, August 16, 2019

Encased ePistle


Famous First Words: 124 was spiteful. --Toni Morrison Beloved
It is the Weekend of the Bratwurst Festival in Bucyrus, OH: A man walked into the library and said to the librarian at the reference desk, “Two sausages, please”. The reference librarian answered, “Sir, this is a library.” The man lowered his voice to a whisper and said, “Sorry. Two sausages, please.”
..........A long way from my home, yeah.........Richie Havens …..Freedom ~~This weekend marks the 40th anniversary of Woodstock. Richie Havens opened at 5:07 pm, Friday, August 15th. Freedom was is final song in the set.
Peace is the beauty of life. It is sunshine... --Menachem Begin
It is a cool (68°F..cool for August, ok?) Friday morning. Immediately above the sky a pale blue with a smear of white fluff drifting aimlessly. To the east the clouds have banked up and turned gray; they are attempting to block the morning sun for a while and keep the temperature low. There is a light breeze that blows the the willow branches and the edges of tree branches and can almost be felt on the temple. But the grass and bush leaves are still and are still spattered with drops from last night's rain. Birds are flitting about and are singing matins to the still hidden sun. They offer counterpoint to the slamming of car doors and the revving of motors. Puck barks at nothing for a while and then stops to drink at puddles left curbside. He sniffs a little but the day is young and hasn't had time to replenish the smells washed away last night. When Jeffrey turns onto Morningside Drive and calls his name, he pulls me towards him excitedly and calls to him that we are coming. So we return to our house, to freshly brewed coffee, sweet and creamy on the tongue, and to you.
Hope your weekend is a real banger, ePistliers.
I've recently developed a paranoia for German sausages. I feel the wurst is yet to come. / A novel is like a sausage. You may like the final taste but you don't want to see how it's made. --Harlan Coben
..........Bringing in a couple of keys.........Arlo Guthrie …..Coming Into Los Angeles ~~Arlo sang Friday night into Saturday morning.
Trivia Questions: Good-Bye to the King of Rock and Roll
^ What was Elvis' first number one hit?
^^ Elvis memorized every line from which George C. Scott movie?
^^^ Know the name of Elvis' twin brother who died at birth?
^^^^ How about Elvis' favorite sandwich?
^^^^^ Why was Elvis' home called “Graceland”?
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: If you were surprised by Jeffrey Epstein's suicide today, just imagine how surprised he was.
Fake Library Statistic of the Week: 42% of staplers purchased for the new school year are already missing. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts
I went to my local hot dog stand and ordered a jumbo sausage. The waiter said, “They just put a new batch on the grill. It shouldn't be long.” So, I ordered two. / Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage. --Ambrose Bierce
..........Says Joe, what they can never kill went on to organize.........Joan Baez …..Joe Hill ~~Joan went on at 12:44 am, Saturday morning. Joe Hill was mid set.
Moonbeam: Let it be understood, in the first place, that a science fiction story must be an exposition of a scientific theme and it must be also a story. --Hugo Gernsback
Naturally Occurring Mandala of the Week: Navel

Big Hello: Miga – Teribe (Panama & Costa Rica) https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm
Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
Week of the Week: It is the week of the Little League World Series (15-25) – When the littlest Vampire played Little League he held his bat by the wings. / A Little League team like a good breakfast chef needs good batters.
I have developed a phobia of sausages. I fear the wurst. / A highbrow is the kind of person who looks at a sausage and thinks of Picasso. --A.P. Herbert
..........There's plenty good money to be made by supplying the army with the tools of its trade.........Country Joe and the Fish …..I-Feel-Like-I'm-Fixin'-To-Die Rag ~~The Fish began playing at 1 pm Saturday afternoon
^ "Heartbreak Hotel" was Elvis' first #1 hit on the US Billboard pop charts and also earned him his first gold record. 1956
Almanac: It is Friday, August 16, 2019. The moon was full (Sturgeon) yesterday and is in Pisces. It is Bratwurst Festival, Hug your Boss Day, National Tell A Joke Day, and National Airborne Day. In Cyprus they celebrate Independence Day (1960) and in the Dominican Republic it is Restoration Day (1963). Liechtenstein remembers Prince Franz-Josef II today. Because it is Friday it is also Hawaii's Admission Day (1959), Michigan's Montrose-Blueberry Festival, and the Yukon's Klondike Gold Day (1896).
Among those born on this day were Amos Alonzo Stagg (1862), Hugo Gernsback (1884), George Meany (1894), Georgette Heyer (1902), Franz Josef II (1906), Menachem Begin (1913), Fess Parker (1925), Robert Culp (1930), Eydie Gorme (1932), Julie Newmar (1935), Lesley Ann Warren (1946), Kathie Lee Gifford (1953), Madonna (1958), and Timothy Hutton (1960).
On August sixteenth gold was discovered in the Klondike (1896), the roller coaster was patented (1898), Adlai Stevenson was selected as the Democratic presidential candidate (1956), Elvis was found dead at Graceland (1977), Madonna married Sean Penn (1985), and the Great Astrological Harmonic Convergence signaled the dawn of a new age (1987).
Night Sky,8/16: The Great Square of Pegasus lifts up in the east, balancing on one corner. Its stars are only 2nd and 3rd magnitude, and your fist at arm's length fits inside it. Late this evening the gibbous Moon rises below it. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/
Max Picture of the Week: Max auditioning for Newsies

This Week: Saturday, August 17 – Black Cat Appreciation Day & Clear the Shelters Day & National Honey Bee Day
Night Sky,8/17: The actual Little Dipper is tipping far over leftward in the north. It's less than half as long as the Andromegasus Dipper, and most of it is much fainter. As always, you'll find that it's oriented more than 90° counterclockwise compared to Andromegasus.
Sunday, August 18 – Bad Poetry Day & Serendipity Day
Monday, August 19 – Aviation Day & World Photo Day & World Humanitarian Day
Tuesday, August 20 – National Radio Day & World Mosquito Day
Wednesday, August 21 – Poet's Day & National Spumoni Day
Thursday, August 22 – Be An Angel Day
The guy asks the clerk for a Polish sausage. The clerk asks if the gentleman is from Poland. The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't." With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?" The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
..........But we might even leave the USA.........Canned Heat …..Going Up The Country ~~7:30 pm Saturday
^^ Elvis memorized every line from Patton, the movie for which George C. Scott won the Academy Award for best actor and famously refused to accept it. 1971
'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I signed up for my company's 401K but I'm nervous cuz I've never run that far before.
Late Night Snacks of the Week: Over a decade ago, Epstein avoided serious punishment for several sexual misconduct charges with an unusually generous plea deal for soliciting prostitution; he only served 13 months, during which time he got to leave jail for work six days a week. The prosecutor who brokered his deal sealed the case, robbing Epstein’s victims of due process. That, for me, was the conspiracy, and maybe, just maybe, what happened here is the result of there not being a conspiracy any more, and Epstein being treated, for the first time, just like everyone else. --Trevor Noah / Really? That’s your theory? I’m not saying the Clintons don’t have any power – they could definitely get a reservation at any restaurant in New York City. But masterminding a scheme to assassinate a high-profile prisoner in maximum security federal custody? They couldn’t even ‘mastermind’ a visit to Wisconsin. --Stephen Colbert
Amazing Music Thing of the Week: Butt Music from Hieronymus Bosch. Grad student Amelia transcribed music that was written on the bare butt of a figure in Bosch's Garden of Earthly Delights. Then well-manicured-man turned it into a Gregorian Chant. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5lasImOZfQ&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR0XJkK_KcoiZuoBjKINSjOujgBggLeNxiFO_cvfYm5NZ4FGpN_6mY3YPDI
Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: For some reason, places all over the world are reporting terrible problems with seagulls this summer. For example, Ocean City in New Jersey had such a problem with seagulls attacking tourists on the beach to steal their food that they have imported falcons. Because nothing bad could ever happen by setting a worse animal free to control a less worse animal. But don't worry. Don't worry. If the falcon population becomes an issue, the natural predator of falcons are panthers. --Peter Sagal Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me 8/10/19
...(Peace) It is the smile of a child, the love of a mother, the joy of a father, the togetherness of a family. --Menachem Begin
The Jungle by Upton Sinclair exposed the horrible conditions in the meat packing industry. The novel goes from bad to wurst. / I think it's odd when people say jeans are comfortable, because to me, they feel like sausage casings. --Katie Lee
..........One of the mornings you're gonna rise, rise up singing.........Janis Joplin …..Summertime ~~Janis began her set at 2 am on Sunday
^^^ Elvis Presly's twin brother, Jesse Garon Presley, was stillborn. Elvis grew up as an only child.
Worthless Fact of the Week: The Harmonic Convergence is the name given to one of the world's first globally synchronized meditation events, which occurred on August 16–17, 1987. This event also closely coincided with an exceptional alignment of planets in the Solar System.
Wicked Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Some call it multi-tasking, I call it doing something else while I try to remember what I was doing in the first place. --eg of mt
Eagles Joke of the Week: Hotel California: Basically a negative Yelp review with a 2 minute guitar solo.
Weird Word of the Week: Domotics – the application of “intelligent” technology to make a home more comfortable and convenient. http://www.worldwidewords.org/turnsofphrase/tp-dom1.htm
Wacky Uses for Common Products: Oil wooden spoons, cutting boards, and butcher block. Put Wesson Vegetable Oil on a Bounty paper towel, rub it into the wood, then wipe clean. http://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/wesson.html
Bratwursts all look alike because they're in bread. / Even hot dogs are shocked when they find out how they're made. / Our company sells about five to six million pounds of sausage a year. --Earl Campbell
...........One pill makes you larger.........Jefferson Airplane …..White Rabbit ~~The Airplane played at 7 am Sunday
^^^^ Presley's legendary love for "peanut butter and 'nanner sandwiches" probably helped lead to his oversized waistline toward the end of his life.
Anteprepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I'm writing about all the things I ought to do before I die. It's my oughtobiography. --Submitted by msh of bc
Prepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a week. Teach him music and how to buy instruments and he will be poor his entire life. --Submitted by cj of ks
Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I wish I was the person I thought I could be when I bought all this produce. --Submitted by sd of ks
Science Fiction Convention of the Week: Alien XPO 2019 (16-18, Knoxville, TN) –The invasion is coming. Got your pass? https://www.alienxpo.com/
Actual Science Convention of the Week: IASE Satellite to World Statistics Conference (13-16, Kuala Lumpur) Decision Making Based on Data https://iase-web.org/conference/satellite19/
Puck the Brave Episode of the Week: Here's partner, Justice, climbing Mount Lazy Boy in the case of the Climbing Collie. ~~while Puck slept under my desk

Family members have told me to cut out the sausage puns, they're the wurst / Sausage Sayings:Spiel nicht die beleidigte Leberwurst – Don’t act like an insulted liverwurst!
..........Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song.........Joe Cocker …..With A Little Help From My Friends ~~Cocker ended his set with Friends at around 3:20 pm Sunday
^^^^^ The name "Graceland" came with the mansion, from the days when it was originally used as a church.
Month of the Week: August is National Traffic Awareness Month –Got a new job as a traffic warden, and started basic training. Thought to myself, “that's just the ticket.”
Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Ben Carson: Shattering stereotypes about brain surgeons being smart. --Submitted by ma of va
Grammar Joke of the Week: !: Must you question everything! ?: Why are you always yelling?
Today's Peace of History, August 16, 1963: Buddhists staged protests across South Vietnam against the government of President Ngo Dinh Diem, a Catholic who removed Buddhists from important government positions and replaced them with Catholics.
Don't you know worst wurst is a terrible pun? No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it. / Sausage Sayings: Es hat alles ein Ende, nur die Wurst hat zwei – Everything has an end; only a sausage has two.
..........Sweeping cobwebs from the edges of my mind.........Crosby, Still, & Nash …..Marrakesh Express ~~ CSN finally got on stage at 3 am Monday morning. CSN claimed it was the first time they had ever performed in public.
Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle August 16, 2019, Encased ePistle. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Peace and Laughs and Charcuterie. Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047
Moonbeam: Labor never quits. We never give up the fight – no matter how tough the odds, no matter how long it takes. --George Meany
Cost of War:
As of 8/15/19 Military Costs of War since 2001: $2,949,856,195,034.
As of 8/8/19 Military Costs of War since 2001: $2,947,892,957,974.
As of 8/15/19 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $914,067,240,156.
As of 8/8/19 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $912,733,458,463.
As of 8/15/Interest on War Debt since 2001: $698,770,139,844.
As of 8/8/19 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $697,093,622,774.
As of 8/159 Veterans Care since 2001: $314,447,732,871.
As of 8/8/19 Veterans Care since 2001: $314,066,747,482.
As of 8/15/Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $4,877,142,064,975.
As of 8/8/19 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $4,871,035,102,045.
(Peace) It is the advancement of man, the victory of a just cause, the triumph of truth. --Menachem Begin
..........way down south to Mexico way.........Jimi Hendrix …..Hey, Joe ~~This Jimi's encore was the last song played at the festival.
We're going to our neighbors for a cookout featuring hamburgers and German sausage. He's not very good at grilling so while I'm hoping for the best, I'm prepared for the wurst. / Frankly, I don't find these are funny at all.
Famous Last Words: ...keep Barber vote Democratic. --Adlai Stevenson Acceptance Speech 1956 Democratic Convention
May Peace case your work
And Joy spice your meat
prairie mama
christine


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