ePistle On Air

 

Famous First Words: This South East corner stone, of the Capitol of the United States of America in the City of Washington, was laid on the 18th day of September... Cornerstone of the US Capitol Building

Television Jokes! … Too easy? In 1990 my television was fat and I was skinny. In 2019 I got fat and my televison got skinny. / Damned Quarantine, my cable goes out more often than I do.

..........You're made out of gold and, eh, can't be sold..........Jimi Hendrix …..Are You Experienced --Jimi Hendrix died on this day in 1970

No race can prosper till it learns that there is as much dignity in tilling a field as in writing a poem. --Booker T Washington

It is an absolutely gorgeous Friday morning. 60°F is exactly the right amount of chill to insist on autumn but not to be uncomfortable. There is a very light breeze that hesitates a few moments and then scibbles by brushing the cheek ever so lightly. No local trees have donned their fall colors, everything is still very green. The sky is almost clear, the clouds lack form and are more like a misty, tattered veil. It smells of autumn as well, damp earth, light floral scents, and mown grass. There are no birds visible but the occasional chirp or tweet sneaks out of the curtain of leaves. Squirrels on the other hand are everywhere and very busy. But we retreat to the inside...warm and smelling of coffee...quiet. And now I get to write to you. What a morning.

Hope your weekend gets its own spin-off, ePistliers

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Perhaps it's wise to first test the vaccines on members of Congress to see if there are side effects? --Submitted by SDS

How do you fight off four burglars with nothing but a TV remote? Please respond quickly! / If 2020 was a TV show......it's now in those later seasons where it really starts to turn to crap.

..........There must be some kind of way out of here..........Jimi Hendrix …..All Along the Watchtower

Trivia Questions: Welcome to World Cleanup Weekend

^ What is the most common litter cleaned up during the weekend?

^^ Care to guess how many continents participated in the 2019 Clean Up?

^^^ Know which substance makes up most of beach litter?

^^^^ Any idea what Plogging is?

^^^^^ About how many people participated in the 2019 clean up campaign?

Big Hello: Parev – Armenian (western) https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: According to science, Alcohol is a solution.

Fake Library Statistic of the Week: 99% of librarians have unusually strong opinions about their favorite mouse or rat from children's literature. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts ~~I'm quite fond of Frankie & Benjy from Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy.

They tried taping a season of The Bachelor in Utah, but it didn't work. the Bachelor married them all. / So, after winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV. Apparently, it's unacceptable in bowling.

..........Take me, take me, take me away..........Jimi Hendrix …..Hear My Train A Comin'

Moonbeam: Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. --Samuel Johnson

Naturally Occurring Mandala of the Week: Orange Slice

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: After 6 months of listening to people talk with masks on I finally understand what Charlie Brown's teacher was saying. --Submitted by INRITH

Week of the Week: National Ballroom Dance Week (18-27) --Did you know you can fit a cotillion of debutantes into one ballroom. / What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common? No ballroom

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line." A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! We are NOT using that!" A week passes, and the ad man returns with another tape. The new tape shows Jesus hanging on the cross in the background, and in the foreground a centurion turns to the camera and says, "B&Q nails: they hold anything!" The CEO is furious and yells, "JESUS IS NOT GETTING NAILED TO THE CROSS WITH B&Q NAILS, PERIOD!" Another week goes by, and the ad man comes back with a third tape. This time Jesus sprints down the street with a group of centurions in pursuit. As he passes the camera one of the centurions turns and says, "We should have used B&Q nails!"

..........To Kansas, to...bring back my second cousin..........Jimi Hendrix …..Mannish Boy

^ Cigarette butts are the most common litter picked up. You can participate by just picking up cigarette butts. The goal this year is 1 billion butts.

Almanac: It is Friday, September 18, 2020. The moon was new yesterday and is in Libra. It is Constitution Day aka Pledge Across America, Hug a Greeting Card Writer Day, National Ceiling Fan Day, National HIV/AIDS and Aging Awareness Day, National Respect Day, and World Water Monitoring Day. Because it is the third Friday it is also National POW/MIA Recognition Day and National Trademen Day. And because it is the third Weekend it is Clean Up the World Weekend,.

Among those born on this day were Samuel Johnson (1709), George Read (1722), Adrien-Marie Legendre (1752), Jean-Bernard-Leon Foucault (1819), Booker T Washington (1895), Agnes De Mille (1905), Eddie "Rochester" Anderson (1905), Greta Garbo (1905), John J. Rhodes and Rossano Brazzi (1916), Nikolai N. Rukavishnikov (1932), Jimmie Rodgers (1933), Roman Polanski (1933), Fred Willard (1939), Frankie Avalon (1940), and Spike (1966).

On September eighteenth the first piano in the US was documented (Boston, 1769), the cornerstone was laid for the Capitol Building (1810), the NY Times began publishing (1851), the Pacific Stock Exchange opened (1882), DD Palmer became the first chiropractor (1895), Britain tested its first twin-engine airplane (1911), CBS went on the air (Columbia, 1927), CBC went on the air (Canadian, 1942), Ralph Bunche became the UN mediator in Palestine (1948), Wagon Train premiered (1957), Vanguard 3 was launched into orbit (1959), Get Smart premiered (1965), and the first black NL umpire umped (1972).

Night Sky, 9/18: You can see in the stars that the season is changing; we've reached the time of year when, just after nightfall, Cassiopeia has already climbed a little higher in the northeast than the Big Dipper has sunk in the northwest. Cas stands high in early evening during the chilly fall-winter half of the year. The Big Dipper takes over for the milder evenings of spring and summer. Almost midway between them stands Polaris. It's currently a little above the midpoint between the two. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Max Picture of the Week: Guess who turned 2 – Max New haircut, new age

This Week: Saturday, September 19 – International Red Panda Day & Talk Like A Pirate Day

Sunday, September 20 – National Fried Rice Day & Wife Appreciation Day

Night Sky, 9/20: Arcturus, the "Spring Star," shines in the west after dark every week as summer turns to fall. The narrow, kite-shaped pattern of Bootes extends 24° upper right from Arcturus.

Monday, September 21 – International Day of Peace

Tuesday, September 22 – Hobbit Day & Mabon (Autumn Equinox) & Ice Cream Cone Day

Night Sky, 9/22: The September equinox is the moment when the Sun appears to cross the celestial equator, heading southward. Due to differences between the calendar year and the tropical year, the September equinox can occur at any time between September 21 and 24.

Wednesday, September 23 – Dogs in Politics Day & National Great American Pot Pie Day

Thursday, September 24 – Bluebird of Happiness Day & Punctuation Day!!

With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the 'World Origami Championships' It's on paperview / A wife hears her husband shouting at the TV from upstairs "Don't do it you idiot", "it's a trap", "Get outta there", "You fool" he keeps on shouting at the TV. The wife calls out to him "Hey what the hell you watching". The husband says, "Our wedding video."

..........Mercury liquid...Emerald's shining..........Jimi Hendrix …..Valleys of Neptune

^^ World Cleanup Day 2019 started in the Pacific island of Fiji and ended 24 hours later in Hawaii. Cleanups were organized in countries and territories on all continents, including the Arctic, where a group of cruise operators along with passengers put aside their binoculars, rolled up their sleeves and collected litter from the Arctic beaches to combat marine plastic pollution.

'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Sign at a protest rally: I would vote for Joe Biden even if he shot Trump on 5^th Avenue. --Submitted by ck of nm

Moonbeam: A good education is usually harmful to a dancer. A good calf is better than a good head. --Agnes De Mille

Late Night Snacks of the Week: Even after four years of the Trump rollercoaster inuring me to shock, the Woodward tapes got to me. Although it was mostly shock that Trump was dumb enough to confess something so cartoonishly evil to a reporter who was recording him. It was like if the Unabomber put a return address on all his packages. --Seth Meyers / When normal people get caught on tape admitting that they lied to an entire country, they usually apologize. But President Trump didn't become president by being normal. --Trevor Noah / It’s obvious why we should be relying on health experts here, not the president, and not just because he considers potato buns to be a vegetable. Even the pharmaceutical companies agree we need data. It’s crazy that we’re living in a world where we’re relying on drug companies to be the good guys. --Samantha Bee

Ollie's Very Own Picture of the Week: Ollie and the great big toothless happy smile

~~Since he is wearing his Chief's t-shirt, I assume he is smiling about the Chief's win over Texas. Go Chiefs.

Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: There are five types of cat owners, it turns out. Now, previously, we thought there were only two kinds of cat owners - cat ladies or secret cat ladies. But new research proposes that cat owners can be divided into five personality types, while cats believe their owners can be divided way more ways if you just use your claws. The types are - and these are real - freedom defender, conscientious caretakers, concerned protectors, tolerant guardians, and laissez faire landlords. The categories refer to attitudes about monitoring the cats' behavior, especially when they're outside of the house, because if allowed to roam, cats can spread disease, kill wildlife, interfere in U.S. elections and secretly set forest fires and blame gender reveal parties. Peter Sagal Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me 9/12/20

If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else. --Booker T Washington

What do you call a man who repairs TVs? Screensaver / Are you sick of lawyers trying to sell you stuff on tv? You might be entitled to compensation.

..........Been down since I began to crawl..........Jimi Hendrix …..Born Under A Bad Sign

^^^ The usual suspect, plastic, was the main type of waste found on beaches across the world from Tonga to Bangladesh to Martinique. In Hawaii, the American singer-songwriter Jack Johnson led a cleanup that highlighted the amount of microplastic on the Hawaiian beaches. In Sri Lanka, 250 kg plastic and 15 kg of flip-flops were collected on just one beach. Several toilets, fridges and other household appliances were pulled from water in Cyprus, Curaçao and Maldives, where underwater cleanups took place.

Worthless Fact of the Week: The urine of a diabetic person contains so much sugar that it can be purified and made into whiskey.

Wicked Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: If turning pages is considered exercise, then yes I work out all the time. --Submitted by ac of unkn

Weird Word of the Week: Inunct – to apply ointment to someone or something https://www.lexico.com/explore/weird-and-wonderful-words ~~My old source for weird words has been declared unsafe by my firewall.

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Pack toiletries when you travel. Keep all your toiletry items together in a Ziploc Storage Bag and prevent any unexpected leaks or spills. http://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/ziploc.html

Stolen from an old TV show. I used to play water polo, but, but my horse drowned. / I was watching an all girls volleyball game on tv today. 10 minutes in and there was a wrist injury... Don’t worry, I should be fine by tomorrow.

...........I hear the thunder of freedom's beating heart..........Jimi Hendrix …..Earth Blues

^^^^ Plogging – picking up trash while jogging. Crown Princess Victoria of Sweden joined a plogging group in Sweden and running groups across the UK, Czech Republic and Netherlands among others chose this sporty way of picking up trash to participate in World Cleanup Day.

Science Fiction Joke of the Week: Theology is never any help; it is searching in a dark cellar at midnight for a black cat that isn't there. Theologians can persuade themselves of anything. --Robert Heinlein

Actual Science Joke of the Week: I believe that a scientist looking at nonscientific problems is just as dumb as the next guy. --Richard Feynman

Mild Mannered Curse of the Week: May the chocolate chips in your cookies always turn out to be raisins.

How do I feel about sex on tv? It might be a little uncomfortable but I’m game. / My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor. More on this after the break.

..........He says the free wind takes him higher..........Jimi Hendrix …..Ezy Ryder

^^^^^ The number of countries that participated is 179 and the number of volunteers around 20 million people. “Each and every cleanup leader and volunteer is a change-maker. It is humbling to see so many people come together for a goal that they all believe in and want to work towards: a cleaner planet,” Heidi Solba, the President of Let’s Do It World expressed her gratitude. https://www.worldcleanupday.org/news/2019/09/24/world-cleanup-day-2019-sweeps-across-the-planet

Month of the Week: September is national Bourbon Heritage Month: Bourbon...making people less boring since roughly the 15^th century. / Pure Kentucky Bourbon...the night time sniffing, sneezing, how the hell did I end up on the bathroom floor medicine.

Recreating Famous Paintings With Anything You Can Find of the Week:

https://www.boredpanda.com/art-recreation-at-home-museum-challenge/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: They say it takes a village. I believe it also takes a vineyard. --Submitted by #RHOZ

Today's Peace of History, September 18, 1895: African-American educator (founder of the Tuskegee Institute) and leader (born a slave) Booker T. Washington spoke before a predominantly white audience at the Cotton States and International Exposition in Atlanta. Although the organizers of the exposition worried that “public sentiment was not prepared for such an advanced step,” they decided that inviting a black speaker would impress Northern visitors with evidence of racial progress in the South”.

Yesterday I met the cable TV guy on the street and he asked me what time it was. I gladly told him it's between 9 and 5. / I took my television into the repair shop. I only aired bad news.

..........Well my arrows are made of desire..........Jimi Hendrix …..Voodoo Chile

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle September 18, 2020, ePistle On Air. Conciliation, Comedy, and Corn Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047

Moonbeam: You are invited to come to see the Earth turn, tomorrow, from three to five, at meridian Hall of the Paris Observatory. --Jean-Bernard-Leon Foucault

Cost of War:

As of 9/17/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,062,456,526,846.

As of 9/10/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,060,529,746,704.

As of 9/17/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $990,591,735,376.

As of 9/10/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $989,282,271,371.

As of 9/17/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $794,972,367,546.

As of 9/10/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $793,326,151,778.

As of 9/17/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $336,311,872,752.

As of 9/10/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $335,937,737,580.

As of 9/17/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,184,333,338,953.

As of 9/10/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,179,076,781,668.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. --Booker T Washington

Famous Last Words: side by side on the wagon train. --Closing song, Wagon Train television show

..........'Scuse me while I kiss the sky..........Jimi Hendrix …..Purple Haze

Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you...Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years. / "Doctor, I keep having this dream that I'm the only person on Earth without her own reality tv show." "Judy, what makes you think it's a dream?" / All these new fancy 4K, 5K even 8K TVs, and here I am with no TV. And that's 0K

May Peace direct your show

And Joy produce your reality

prairie mama

christine

Last Laugh:

the Steinway ePistle

Famous First Words: Professor Tigwiggel becoming alarmed at the frequency and audacity of burglaries...Prof. Tigwiggel's Burglar Alarm --Livingston Hopkins The first comic strip ever published in a newspaper

September is National Piano Month: Do you remember Dracula Borge? He used to torture his victims with his piano until they begged for death. His Bach was worse than his bite. / Pianist Patty texted her husband: Gone :Chopin, Have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet

..........and the waitress is practicing politics.........Billy Joel …..Piano Man

In a gentle way, you can shake the world. --Mahatma Gandhi

It is a cool (57°F), damp Friday morning. Bruno is huddling under his deck and Puck remains indoors. There is no sun penetrating the thick layer of gray clouds. No breeze moves the willow branches or the bushes and foliage shiny with drops of last night's rain. A stillness reigns. Even the birds are silent and hidden. Sigh

It's already started so... I intend to spend this day forgiving. I forgive the men who stole the planes and used them to kill people. I forgive the bosses who told them to do it. I forgive Bush & Rice who refused to prevent it. I forgive the American greed and hate that drove them to it. I forgive those who use that tragedy to normalize hate and fear, to lock children in cages, and shoot innocent men in the back seven times. I forgive myself for being unable to not feel the hate and fear and insecurity around me. Peace, epistliers

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I keep thinking I wouldn't mind the cooler weather to kick in but I don't want to get too enthusiastic about it because I am 100% sure this is the year we will get flammable snow. --Matthew Phillion # Submitted by INRITH

Pianist Peter's fingers were like lightning, they rarely struck the same place twice. / What happens when you play Beethoven backwards? He decomposes.

..........We're sittin' at an upright, my sweetie and me.........The Andrew Sisters …..The Old Piano Roll Blues

Trivia Questions: Happy Banana Day !

^ About how many bananas does it take to add up to one pound?

^^ How many bananas made a “hand”?

^^^ Banana plants are the planet's largest plant without what biological support?

^^^^ Where are bananas grown commercially?

^^^^^ What three nutrition no-nos do bananas lack?

Big Hello: Barev – Armenian (eastern) https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is not an appropriate response. Who knew? --Submitted by #RHOZ

Fake Library Statistic of the Week: Library service desks average 3 drawers of nothing but “Out of Order” signs. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

Exactly how is an 11-foot concert Steinway grand better than a well tuned studio upright? It makes a much bigger boom when pushed off a cliff. / Old pianists never die, they just adagio away.

..........Now my Mama don't allow no piano playin' in here.........Smiley Burnette …..Mama Don't Allow

Moonbeam: A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. --O Henry

Naturally Occurring Mandala of the Week: Sapphire – September birthstone

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I've never played the bagpipes, but I have carried a screaming, three year old over my shoulder. --Submitted by INRITH

Week of the Week: National Waffle Week (6-12) --Waffle House...because the poor decisions you made the night before weren't enough. / A waffle with a split personality has an alter eggo.

The piano has been drinking, not me. --Tom Waits / To climb to the top of a tall piano, you must scale it. / I love piano players; they can do magic things with their fingers.

..........An' who tickles ivories like nobody livin'.........Manhattan Transfer …..King Porter

^ 3 medium size bananas weigh approximately 1 pound.

Almanac: It is Friday, September 11, 2020. The moon was last quarter yesterday and is in Cancer. It is Libraries Remember Day, National Day of Service and Remembrance, Patriot Day, Remember Freedom Day and Stand Up to Cancer Day. In Ethiopia it is New Year's Day and in Pakistan it is Jinnah Day (1948). Because it is the second Friday, it is also Banana Day.

Among those born on this day were O Henry (1862), James Jeans (1877), D H Lawrence (1885), Mohandas Gandhi (1906), Bear Bryant (1913), Ferdinand Marcos (1917), Tom Landry (1924), Earl Holliman (1928), Lola Falana (1939), Brian DePalma (1940), Leo Kottke (1945), and Virginia Madsen (1961).

On September eleventh Alexander Hamilton was appointed Secretary of the Treasurer (1789), Jenny Lind gave her first US concert (1850), the first newspaper cartoon strip was published (1875), the Bronx Gas & Electric Company opened (1893), the US invaded Honduras (1919), Britain took over rule of Palestine (1922), and Boulder Dam (now known as Hoover Dam) was dedicated (1936).

Night Sky, 9/11: Vega now passes the zenith an hour after sunset during late twilight, for those of us at mid-northern latitudes. Vega is bigger, hotter, and 50 times brighter than our Sun. But at a distance of 25 light-years, it's 1.6 million times farther away. The Sun is only 8.3 light-minutes from us. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Max Picture of the Week: Max Chill, Joe Cool's cousin

This Week: Saturday, September 12 – Prairie Day & Video Games Day & Wicket World of Croquet Day

Sunday, September 13 -Grandparent's Day & National Peanut Day & Scooby-Doo Day

Night Sky, 9/13: By 9 or 10 pm two of the best-known deep-sky objects, the Double Cluster in Perseus and the Great Andromeda Galaxy M31, are in high view in the east. Did you know they're only 22° apart? They're both cataloged as 4th magnitude but to the naked eye they look rather different, the more so the darker your sky.

Monday, September 14 – National Sober Day & National Kreme Filled Donut Day

Tuesday, September 15 – Greenpeace Day & International Dot Day & National On-Line Learning Day

Wednesday, September 16 – Mayflower Day & Ozone Layer Day & National Guacamole Day

Night Sky, 9/16: The wide W pattern of Cassiopeia is tilting up in the northeast these nights. Look below the W's last segment, the one on the lower left, by a little farther than the segment's length. Can you see an enhanced little spot of the Milky Way's glow here? Binoculars will show it to be the Perseus Double Cluster — even through a fair amount of light pollution.

Thursday, September 17 – Citizenship Day & National PawPaw Day & Time's Up Day

There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. --Bach / Piano is not my forte.

..........We learn to live when we learn to give.........McCartney & Wonder …..Ebony and Ivory

^^ A cluster of bananas is called a hand and consists of 10 to 20 bananas, which are known as fingers.

'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: The devil whispered to all the 2020 teachers, “Your not strong enough to withstand this storm.” And the teachers simply whispered back, “You're”. --Submitted by bu of ks

Moonbeam: God is only a great imaginative experience. --D H Lawrence

Late Night Snacks of the Week: I’m not sure what’s more upsetting: the comments Trump reportedly made or what he’ll do to change the subject: "and that’s why we’re nuking the moon”. --Jimmy Fallon / Everyone’s talking about the 'right' way to protest… If I had a magic wand, I wouldn’t be trying to fix protests. I’d use it to get the police to stop brutalizing Black people. That’s why the protests are happening. --Trevor Noah

Ollie's Very Own Picture of the Week: Ollie, with furrowed brow, and that Rabbit – again...

Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: Finally, a reason to stay alive until next year. The Girl Scouts announced a brand-new French toast-flavored cookie called Toast-Yay! We assume the Girl Scouts said, to make sure our product is unique, let's name it after the one phrase that no one ever has said once. I guess Toast-Boo was too on-the-nose. By the way, for those who don't remember, yay is a word that was used to express joy back in the early 2010s. For those who don't remember what joy is, well, hey, the Girl Scouts have a new cookie. --Peter Sagal Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me 9/5/20

Preantepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week:Cow farts come from the dairy air. --Submitted by #RHOZ

Action expresses priorities. --Mahatma Gandhi

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano. --Bob Hope talking about Phyllis Diller / What does a Steinway? about 800 pounds.

..........No line switch..........EPND …..Funky Piano

^^^ Banana plants are the largest plants on earth without a woody stem. They are actually giant herbs of the same family as lilies, orchids and palms.

Worthless Fact of the Week: The medical name for a butt crack is Intergluteal Cleft.

Wicked Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Treat yourself like I-70 and never stop working on yourself no matter how inconvenient it is for everyone else. --Submitted by ae of mo

Weird Word of the Week: Halfpace - It is a landing, certainly, but not just any landing. It refers to that small landing at the top of a flight of stairs where you have to turn and take another flight of stairs whether going up or down.

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Dogs prepare you for babies. Cats prepare you for teenagers. --Submitted by #RHOZ

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Carry snacks. When traveling, pack snacks in Ziploc Storage bags. http://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/ziploc.html

Piano: A cumbersome piece of furniture found in many homes, where playing it ensures the early departure of unwanted guests. -David W Barber / Gimme' a fifth of Beethoven on the Rachs.

...........But ten all dancing straight in line.........Mary Healy …..Then Happy Fingers

^^^^ Bananas are not grown commercially in the continental United States. They are grown in Latin and South America from countries like Costa Rica, Ecuador, Colombia, Honduras, Panama, and Guatemala.

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: There are two kinds of people in this world...avoid both of them. --Submitted by sb of ar

Science Fiction Joke of the Week: One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. --Robert Heinlein

Actual Science Joke of the Week: Physics is to math what sex is to masturbation. --Richard Feynman

Mild Mannered Curse of the Week: May you see your typo only after yuo hit send.

Life is like a piano. What you get out of it depends on how you play it. --Tom Lehrer / Don't date piano technicians, they just string you along.

..........The never-ending swaying haze..........Panic! At The Disco …..The Piano Knows Something I Don't Know

^^^^^ Bananas have no fat, cholesterol, or sodium.

Month of the Week: September is Library Card Sign Up Month Dear Santa, I want books, computers... and the ability to travel through time and space. - Johnny Dear Johnny, Here's a library card. Santa

Recreating Famous Painting With Anything You Can Find of the Week:

https://www.boredpanda.com/art-recreation-at-home-museum-challenge/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Goodnight moon. Goodnight Zoom. Goodnight sense of impending doom. --Submitted by st of ar

Today's Peace of History, September 11, 2002: Women In Black (WIB) Baltimore started the first Peace Path as a response to 9/11 World Trade Center attacks. The nonviolent action presented images of peace rather than war and militarism as a response to problems.

The piano ain't got no wrong notes. --Thelonious Monk / You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

..........where the gin is cold, but the piano's hot..........Catherine Zeta-Jones …..All That Jazz

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle September 11, 2020, Steinway ePistle. Peace, Pleasantries, and Pianos Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047

Moonbeam: Sadly, I really want to be Batman … and I just never will be. --Virginia Madsen

Cost of War:

As of 9/10/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,060,529,746,704.

As of 9/3/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,058,486,225,047.

As of 9/10/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $989,282,271,371.

As of 9/3/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $987,893,650,623.

As of 9/10/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $793,326,151,778.

As of 9/3/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $791,580,589,783.

As of 9/10/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $335,937,737,580.

As of 9/3/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $335,541,087,917.

As of 9/10/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,179,076,781,668.

As of 9/3/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,173,502,633,519.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

An ounce of practice is worth a thousand words. --Mahatma Gandhi

Famous Last Words: ...I won it in a crap game. --Call of the Wild (the movie, released 9/11/19)

..........Or a high toned baby grand.........Tony DeSare …..I Love a Piano

The piano keys are black and white but they sound like a million colors in your mind. --Maria Cristina Mena / Kyle had been practicing all week when he heard a knock at the door. He opened the door and saw a little man, with a little mustache, standing on his front porch. “Hello!” said the man, “I’m the piano tuner!” “I didn’t send for a piano tuner,” said Kyle. “I know,” said the man, “Your next door neighbors did!”

May Peace play your melody

And Joy cover the harmony

prairie mama

christine

Last Laugh: 

ePistle's Choice

 Famous First Words: I'm glad to welcome you... President Harry S Truman First transcontinental television transmission, 9/4/51

Favorite jokes of funny people: A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. “There are no fish under the ice!” He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!” He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?” “No, this is the rink manager!” —Allison Janney

..........ooh, ooh, ooh, what's left of his world.........Gladys Knight …..Midnight Train to Georgia

Holy, and sacred, Black Rage. Be ever present in our struggle for liberation, in our work to be, to love, to exist. --Byron Tyler Coles

It is a cool (57°F) Friday morning. Azure skies are cloudless and clear. There is no hint of a breeze against the cheek or among the willow branches. The new sun is illuminating the green, green foliage of home. Birds seem happy with the transition to fall and are singing and producing nature's own Angulus prayers. Puck will not go out this morning; I do not know what evil lurks in the yard to cast fear in the heart of a small dog. The entire neighborhood smells of freshly mown grass. We return indoors to a different aroma – brewing coffee...also pleasant. And I get to drink fresh, hot decaf, sweetened and creamed and write to you. Could there be a better way to start a long weekend?

Hope your weekend is as terrific as it is long, ePistliers

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: The last time this country experienced this level of civil unrest, the music was a whole lot better. --Submitted by ks of ks

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.” “And yer hand?” asks Marty. “When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.” “OK, but what’s with the eye patch?” “I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.” “But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.” “True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.” —Jason Alexander

..........Everybody shake a hand, shake a hand.........Gladys Knight …..Friendship Train

Trivia Questions: Happy Birthday, Edsel !

^ What manufacturer introduced the Edsel?

^^ About how much was the starting price of the low end 1958 Edsel?

^^^ How many plants assembled the Edsel?

^^^^More or less how much horsepower did the E-475 engine command?

^^^^^ Care to guess how many colors was the '58 Edsel available?

Big Hello: Héébee - Arapaho https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Sign on the front door: Distance Learning in Progress. Please don't ring the doorbell unless you've brought wine or teach math. --Submitted by bu of ks

Fake Library Statistic of the Week: 18% of librarians have zoomed wearing nothing but a cardigan. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer. —Comedian Richard Lewis / Rene Descartes was at a party when the waiter asked if he would care for a hors d’oeuvre. Descartes said, “I think not” … and disappeared. —Aasif Mandvi

..........But fate's been kind, the downs have been few.........Gladys Knight …..You're The Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me

Third Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Forget about storming Area 51. Let's find out where this extended car warranty call center is and storm that place. --Submitted by INRITH

Moonbeam: To come up with the ending to a story and then work backwards is like tying your shoe with one hand only. --Donald McKay

Naturally Occurring Mandala of the Week: Aster – the birth flower of September

Last week's mandala – knothole: Woodworker Jo has said she thinks the wood is Maple...

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Just when you're about to make ends meet someone comes along and moves the ends. -Submitted by INRITH

Week of the Week: Sweet Corn Week (3-7) --I ear you laugh at corny jokes. / Corn puns both shuck and amaize me.

Red Headed Step Child of Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

“I’m sick of following my dreams—I’m just going to ask them where they are going and hook up with them later.” —Natasha Leggero, quoting Mitch Hedberg / “Don’t ask me about my pan pizza, it’s personal.” —Doug Benson, quoting Megan Neuringer

..........Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance.........Gladys Knight …..I Hope You Dance

^ Ford Motor Co. While it was being developed and before it had a name it was called the "E-car", which meant it was an experimental car. It was named after Henry Ford's son, Edsel, who died in 1943 at age 49.

Almanac: It is Friday, September 4, 2020. The moon was full (Corn) last Wednesday and is in Aries. It is National College Colors Day, Hug Your Boss Day, National Lazy Mom's Day, National Wildlife Day, and Newspaper Carrier Day. Because it is the first Friday it is also Bring Your Manners to Work Day; and because it is the first Full Weekend it is Cow Chip Throwing Days.

Among those born on this day were Francois Rene de Chateaubriand (1768), Donald McKay (1810), Daniel Burnham (1846), Richard Wright (1908), Henry Ford II (1917), Paul Harvey (1918), Dick York (1928), Tom Watson (1949), Merald Knight (Gladys, 1972), and Nyota Uhura (2179).

On September fourth Los Angeles was founded (1781), there were bread riots in Mobile, AL (1864), Hawaii got its first daily newspaper (1866), the first cafeteria opened (NYC, 1885), Eastman patented film and "Kodak" (1888), Doris Kopsky became the first NABA woman cycling champion (1937), Queen Wilhelmina of Netherlands abdicated (1948), the first transcontinental TV broadcast aired (Harry Truman, 1951), the Edsel was introduced (1957), and NASA launched the 1st Orbital Geophysical Observatory (OGO-1, 1964).

Night Sky, 9/4: The waning gibbous Moon rises around the end of twilight this evening. Once it's up, watch for fiery Mars, now unusually bright at magnitude -2.0, to rise about a fist-width or a little more to the Moon's lower left. They climb high as evening grows late. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Max Picture of the Week: Max and Mom

This Week: Saturday, September 5 – Be Late For Something Day & International Day of Charity

Night Sky, 9/5: Jupiter's Great Red Spot should transit Jupiter's central meridian around 10:18 pm EDT.

Sunday, September 6 – Bowling League Day

Monday, September 7 – Grandma Moses Day & Neither Rain Nor Snow Day

Tuesday, September 8 - International Literacy Day & Pardon Day

Wednesday, September 9 – National Teddy Bear Day & Opposite Day & Wonderful Weirdos Day

Night Sky, 9/9: Mercury is hidden in the sunset. Venus rises about 2 hours before dawn. Jupiter and Saturn shine in th4e south in the early evening. Neptune is up in the east by midnight and Neptune is a little higher in the southeast.

Thursday, September 10 – Swap Ideas Day & World Suicide Prevention Day

“Understand that a man wants a woman who encourages him without nagging him. He wants a woman who believes in his dream, even though she knows he can’t do it. Your man comes home talking about he’s going to quit his good job at the post office because he wants to be an astronaut? Don’t say anything. Just pull out your sewing machine and make him an astronaut outfit. Mix him up some Tang, slice him up some cheese and tell him—’GET UP! You're gonna be late for the moon!’ Push him out the door and say, ‘call me when you get a break on the moon!'” —Aisha Tyler

..........You're just smiling this morning.........Gladys Knight …..Make Yours A Happy Home

^^ The starting price was $2,500. The top price was $3,766. The major problem with Edsel prices was that they were in the same range as three out of four Mercury's models which, as I've mentioned, was their own product. So, Ford wound up competing with itself.

'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: No Sports! But if you dump a bag of Skittles in the toilet, squint your eyes and flush, it's almost like watching a NASCAR race. --Submitted by INRITH

Moonbeam: Every man carries within himself a world made up of all that he has seen and loved; and it is to this world that he returns, incessantly, though he may pass through and seem to inhabit a world quite foreign to it. --Francois Rene de Chateaubriand

Late Night Snacks of the Week: They're all on vacation – screw 'em.

Ollie's Very Own Picture of the Week: Ollie and Dad and a constant rabbit

Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: So KFC - that's, of course, the fast-food fried chicken franchise - they say, in the light of the pandemic, they're no longer going to use what famous slogan? Finger-licking good If you think about it - and they did - finger licking is just not a good idea to do in the middle of the COVID pandemic. It's the same reason why Tic Tac breath mints dropped their slogan, eat one, then French kiss a complete stranger. --Peter Sagal Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me 8/29/20

No matter what tactics and methods racial justice activists use, the general response of society will be a collective head-shaking and tsk-tsk-ing — because what people are actually complaining about are not the specific tactics that are being used in the struggle for racial justice, but that the struggle for racial justice exists at all. --Aisha Ansano

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “Really? In that case, give me a Kyle!” —Emo Philips / “My father was a night watchman, but he was a victim of technology. He was replaced by a lock.” —Colin Quinn

..........For once I can touch what my heart used to dream of.........Gladys Knight …..For Once In My Life

^^^ There were six plants altogether producing the 1958 Edsel. The Los Angeles plant got a late start and only produced 223 of them in 1958. Prior to the introduction of the 1958 Edsel (September 4, 1957) there were months of pre-release advertising during which Ford promised that the design of the Edsel will be far more radical than any of its other products. When it did come out for public viewing the only thing that was noticed was the strange grille and this turned people off.

Preantepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Is it OK to pull the bag of wine out of the box & stab a straw in it like it's a giant adult Capri Sun? Asking for a friend. --Submitted by ss of mo

Worthless Fact of the Week: Surprisingly, the plagues that wreaked havoc in Europe during the Middle Ages and killed millions of people made 10 % of Europeans immune to the HIV virus. The individuals in question carry a genetic mutation known as CCR5-A32, which prevents the virus from affecting the immune system. Thanks, big scary plague!

Wicked Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I'm not buying a 2021 Planner until I see the trailer... --Submitted by #RHOZ

Weird Word of the Week: Barnecide – illusory or imaginary and therefore disappointing All virtuality is a Barmecide feast and Internet is virtuality par excellence. https://www.lexico.com/explore/weird-and-wonderful-words

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Carry dirty diapers in a baby bag without any offending odors. Keep extra Ziploc Storage Bags in you baby bag so you can seal dirty diapers inside a plastic bag until you can dispose of them properly. This is especially considerate when visiting friends' houses. http://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/ziploc.html

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Being twenty in the seventies a was much more fun than being seventy in the twenties. —Submitted by sd of ks

I met a beautiful girl last night, but she was rather thin. I mean, this was a skinny girl. She turned sideways, you didn’t see her. I took her to a restaurant and the maitre d’ said to me, “Check your umbrella?” --Mel Brooks. / A string and his friends walk into a bar, and the string goes up to get a drink and the bartender says, “We don’t serve strings here.” So the string ties himself in a loop and does up the top of his head and then goes up to the bar, and the bartender goes, “Uh . . . are you a string?” And the string goes, “No, I’m a frayed knot.” —Kumail Nanjian

...........But I'll pick you up darling.........Gladys Knight …..If I Were Your Woman

^^^^ The E475 commanded 345 horsepower. That would be a lot of horsepower today but these were big heavy cars. They could still go 0-60 in about 10 seconds. Gas mileage was only about 8.5 mpg in city traffic but gas only cost 33 cents a gallon.

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: At least once a day, I walk outside and say, “Computer, end program”, just in case. -Wil Wheaton --Submitted by gr of oh

Science Fiction Joke of the Week: Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago. --Robert A Heinlein

Actual Science Joke of the Week: Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it. --Richard Feynman

Mild Mannered Curse of the Week: May you have your laptop charge all night without noticing the chord isn't plugged into the wall.

Two racehorses are in the stable. One says to the other, “You know, before that last race—” “The one that you won?” asks the other horse. “Yeah; before that last race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.” The other horse says, “Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.” A dog walking by says, “You idiots; you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you run faster!” One horse turns to the other and says, “Hey, a talking dog!” —Penn Jillette

..........But nothing takes the place of you.........Gladys Knight …..Save The Overtime

^^^^^ 19 colors: Can you imagine having to choose from this many? One color was Chalk Pink. The others were Jet Black, Silver Gray Metallic, Ember Red, Turquoise, Snow White (without dwarfs), Frost White, Powder Blue, Horizon Blue, Royal Blue Metallic, Ice Green, Spring Green, Spruce Green Metallic, Charcoal Brown Metallic, Driftwood, Jonquil Yellow, Sunset Coral, Copper Metallic and Gold Metallic. This information was reported on an Edsel fan site.

Month of the Week: September is International Square Dancing Month. --Square dancing is like bronco-busting only you're not in the air as much. / You'll never catch me square dancing. But dodecahedron dancing, I'm all over that.

Recreating Famous Painting With Anything You Can Find of the Week:

https://www.demilked.com/people-recreate-art-at-home/

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I don't always go the extra mile but when I do it's because I missed my exit. --Submitted by the #RHOZ

Today's Peace of History, September 4, 1949: Paul Robeson, scholar, athlete, musician and leader, defying a racist and red-baiting mob, sang to 15,000 at a Labor Day gathering in Peekskill, New York.

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.” —John Goodman / “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?” —George Carlin

..........But I can't help but care.........Gladys Knight …..Superwoman

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle September, 4, 2020, ePistle's Choice. Felicity, Funny & Favorites Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047

Political Quote of the Week: Now Trump's saying Democrats will be “violent” if they win big in November? What are we going to do? Throw our

PBS tote bags at the;m? --Bette Midler

Moonbeam: Golf is a game in which you yell ”fore”, shoot six, and write down five. --Paul Harvey

Cost of War:

As of 9/3/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,058,486,225,047.

As of 8/27/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,056,532,763,876.

As of 9/3/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $987,893,650,623.

As of 8/27/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $986,565,886,613.

As of 9/3/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $791,580,589,783.

As of 8/27/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $789,911,297,340.

As of 9/3/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $335,541,087,917.

As of 8/27/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $335,161,636,952.

As of 9/3/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,173,502,633,519.

As of 8/27/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,168,172,230,860.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

Don’t speak to me of “healing” racism, or “wounded souls” or the “painful hurt” until you are willing to feel the scars on my great-great-grandmother Laury’s back. --Adam Lawrence Dyer

Famous Last Words: Beyond Antares. --Song sung by Lt Uhura on Star Trek The song is named Beyond Antares

..........Or your heart will never come of age.........Gladys Knight …..Double or Nothing

“Every place is within walking distance if you have enough time.” —Bob Mankoff quoting Steven Wright / A guy approached a priest to request a funeral for his dog. The priest explained he couldn’t do that, but the man insisted. “Sorry, why don’t you ask the Protestant minister across the street?” says the priest. "That’s too bad, Father,” said the disconsolate man as he was leaving. “There was going to be a thousand dollar stipend.” The priest stopped him: “Why didn’t you tell me your dog was Catholic?” —Cindy Williams

May Peace give you strength

And Joy give you endurance

prairie mama

christine

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