jAcked ePistle

 Famous First Words: Whereas the Provinces of Canada, Nova Scotia, and New Brunswick... The British North American Act (1867)

Jack Benny (Benjamin Kubelsky) entertained the country for 30+ years on radio and television. Even as a kid, I thought he was funny. \\ My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. --Jack Benny ~~Benny's 47 year marriage is particularly rich because Benny maintained to the end of his life that he was only 39 years old. Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he's the most brilliant, honest, and warm human being I've ever met. And I'll say that to his face – even if it costs me my job. --Jack Benny

..........You better chase all your cares away.........Judy Garland …..Get Happy

Joy is a sustained sense of well-being and internal peace – a connection to what matters. –-Oprah Winfrey

It has been a hard morning. The doctor said the x-rays said I have bone erosion and need a hip replacement. I wanted to send out the ePistle before I had a good long cry, but I'm not sure I'll make it. My hip and I have been through some good times together. I hate to start over with a new one.

Wishing you a really great weekend, ePistliers

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: If it squirms it's Biology; if it stinks it's chemistry; if it doesn't work it's Physics, and if you can't understand it it's Mathematics. --Submitted by Heinlein Society

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper. --Jack Benny I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate is when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them. --Jack Benny

..........'cause when you worry your face will frown..........Bobby McFerrin ....Don't Worry Be Happy

Trivia Questions: Happy (what would have been the 87^th) Birthday to Billy Carter, Jimmy's beer drinking brother.

• ^ Who is Obama's oldest half-sibling and why is he an embarrassment?
• ^^ How did Grant's younger brother embarrass his administration?
• ^^^ What makes Billy Carter the poster boy for embarrassing the president?
• ^^^^ How did Nixon's brother contribute to his loss in 1960?
• ^^^^^ What did Clinton's brother do to embarrass Bill and the nation?

Big Hello: lϙkwe – Marshallese (Marshall Islands) https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I made some fish tacos today. But they just ignored them and swam away. --Submitted by INRITH

Image of the Week: Texas Loves Children Day … unless they're trans

Fake Library Statistics of the Week: 90% of libraries can't find any of their “Where's Waldo” books. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early. --Jack Benny As you may or may not know, in keeping with the high-class tone of Beverly Hills, our police force is probably the most snobbish group of gendarmes in the world. It is said that the Beverly Hills Police Department is so fancy that it has an unlisted number. --Jack Benny

..........Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea.........Three Dog Night …..Joy To The World

Moonbeam: I should be pleased to see all the nations on the earth prosperous and happy and rich, for it would furnish to me the best evidence of the prosperity of my native land. --John Tyler

Blasphemy of the Week: Beware of any Christian movement that demands the government be an instrument of God's wrath but never a source of God's mercy, generosity, or compassion. --Rev Benjamin Cremer

Puzzle of the Week: Everyone knows what a spoonerism is, right? That's where you switch the initial consonant sounds of one phrase to get another — like "light rain" for "right lane." Here's the puzzle: Name a well-known world leader, first and last names. Spoonerize this, and you'll get a phrase that means "to have confidence in one of the martial arts." Who's the leader, and what's the phrase? NPR Sunday Puzzle 1/5/20

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Queer Eye but with a team of butch lesbians who buy you six pairs of the same jeans because they're comfortable and point out that the reason you have no time for self care is capitalism. (Fifty Shades of GAY) --Submitted by ar of ks

It's not so much knowing when to speak, but when to pause. --Jack Benny I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian. --Jack Benny

..........You're the one that puts the laughter in my smile.........Dolly Parton …..Bubbling Over

^ Barack Obama's half-brother, Malik, was born in Kenya, but has dual citizenship with the US. President Obama's father was married three times and the president has at least five half-siblings, but Malik is the oldest. Malik Obama, who is a Muslim with numerous wives, once ran for political office in Kenya. He claims to be a staunch supporter of Donald Trump.

Almanac: It is Friday, March 29, 2024. The moon will go into the last quarter on Tuesday (4/2) and is in Scorpio. Today is the Festival of Smoke and Mirrors, Knights of Columbus Founders Day, National Day of Unplugging, National Mom & Pop Business Owners Day, and Texas celebrates Love the Children Day.

Among those born on this day were John Tyler (1790), Edwin Drake (1819), Warner Baxter (1889), Dennis O'Keefe (1908), Moon Mullican (1909), Eugene McCarthy (1916), Man O'War (1917), Pearl Bailey (1918), Billy Carter (1937), Eric Idle (1943), Karen Anne Quinlan (1954), LaToya Jackson (1956), Marina Sirtis (1959), Elle Macpherson (1964), Beverly Crusher (2334), and Deanna Troi Betazed (2336).

On March twenty-ninth Beethoven debuted his piano playing talents (1795), the British North America Act was passed (constitution of Canada, 1867), Ohio outlawed 10 hour days for children (1852), Jack Benny debuted on radio (1932), meat, butter, and cheese came under rationing (US, 1943), Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were convicted (1951), Some Like It Hot premiered (1959), the 23rd Amendment was ratified allowing DC residents to vote for president (1961), Jack Paar last appeared on the Tonight Show (1962) and the pyramidal entrance to the Louvre opened (1989).

Night Sky, 3/29: Comet Pons-Brooks is low in the west right after dark. At a predicted 5th magnitude it should be fairly easy in binoculars and very interesting in a telescope. Look right after twilight ends. This evening it's passing only about ½° from 2nd-magnitude Alpha Arietis (Hamal). Look just to the star's right or lower right. The tail points up. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Fraternal Picture of the Week: The boys exploring what appears to be an escape room or a cold sauna

Extra Funniest Thing I Read of the Week:There is nothing to be learned from the second kick of a mule. --Mark Twain

This Week: Saturday, March 30 - Doctors Day & Pencil Day & World Bi-polar Day

Earth Hour - Last Saturday in March. Millions of people around the world switch off their lights for Earth Hour at 8:30 pm local time.

Sunday, March 31 - Easter & Cesar Chavez Day & International Hug A Medievalist Day & World Backup Day

Night Sky, 3/31: Right after dark, Sirius shines brilliantly in the south-southwest. Lower left of it, by about one fist, is the triangle of Adhara, Wezen, and Aludra, from right to left. They form Canis Major's hind foot, rear end, and tail, respectively. Or, alternatively, they're the lower end and handle of the Meat Cleaver.

Monday, April 1 – All Fools Day & National Fun Day & Reading is Funny Day & St Stupid Day

Tuesday, April 2 – International Children's Book Day & National Ferret Day & World Autism Day

Wednesday, April 3 – Share A Rainbow Day & National Walk Day & Weed Out Hate Day

Night Sky, 4/3: Jupiter, magnitude –2.1 in Aries, is the bright "star" shining due west in twilight. It sinks lower after dark and sets around 10 or 11 pm. It's becoming the only easy planet in the sky.

Thursday, April 4 – National Walking Day & Vitamin C Day & World Rat Day

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. --Jack Benny There are only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc. --Jack Benny

..........I haven't met the new me yet.........Taylor Swift …..Happiness

^^ Orvil Lynch Grant, the corrupt younger brother of President Ulysses S. Grant, was rumored to have been a pretty shady guy who was always looking to make a quick buck. As a young man, Orvil ran the family leather shop with his other brother, Samuel, in Galena, IL, before relocating to Chicago. He also happened to be involved in one of the many scandals that rocked his brother's administration. In 1875, President Grant's Secretary of the Interior, Christopher Delano, was accused of mismanaging provisions and land in the West as well as taking bribes for land allocation. Delano allegedly gave his own son, John, and the president's brother Orvil positions within the agency, but neither man ever did any work.

Preantepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: The Pillsbury Dough Boy is a flour child.

Moonbeam: Underwear is such an emotional thing. --Elle Macpherson

Whatever This Is of the Week: Sign: Evangelical Christianity is just Radical Islam with Pork and Beer. --Submitted by MMS

Video of the Week: Eric Idle: Always look on the bright side of life (3:10)

There may be peace without joy, and joy without peace, but the two combined make happiness. --John Buchan

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. --Jack Benny When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it. --Jack Benny

..........Brush off the clouds and cheer up.........Dick VanDyke and Janet Leigh …..Put On A Happy Face

^^^ In 1978 and 1979, Billy Carter made three trips to Libya and eventually accepted a $220,000 loan from the Libyan government, which received national and international attention. Billy was a registered agent of the Libyan government, but denied ever exercising any inappropriate political influence as Libya attempted to establish oil connections with US companies. Billy Carter was also known for his Billy Beer. In 1977, the beer-chugging "good ol' boy" persona that Billy exhibited was channeled into a marketing campaign for the product, but it didn't last long. Billy himself claimed to drink Pabst and later joked that he gave up drinking because his own beer was so bad. Billy's own reputation waned as he continued to make public appearances and say controversial things - he once even insulted Jews and urinated in front of reporters on an Atlanta runway.

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Mother Nature just be throwing out temperatures like Powerball Numbers 66 40 33 58 24 13 --Submitted by RHOZ

Weird Word of the Week: Acronical or Acronychal – Literally: something happening in the evening or at nightfall. However, it's principally a moderately rare technical term in astronomy or astrology which refers to the rising or setting of a star at the same time as the sun sets. World Wide Words: Acronychal

Dragon of the Week:

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Clean grease stains from double-knit fabrics. Pour on Canada Dry Club Soda and scrub gently. Canada Dry®: Wacky Uses

I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse. --Jack Benny Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents – that's my kind of guy. --Jack Benny

...........Down in my heart to stay.........For King & Country …..Joy

^^^^ Donald Nixon, born Francis Donald Nixon, was the younger brother of President Richard Nixon. Born in 1914, Donald grew up in California and entered into financial dealings with millionaire Howard Hughes between 1954 and 1956. Hughes apparently loaned Donald $205,000 to bail out a failing business, though there is no record of the loan ever having been repaid. Then allegations that Hughes had been attempting to influence Richard Nixon through his brother factored into the elder Nixon's failed presidential campaign in 1960.

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: In 10 minutes 10 children can pick up 5,000 Easter eggs in a yard the size of a football field' but it takes them 5 months to pick up 5 toys on the floor of a small bedroom. --Submitted by PsyDe

Science Fiction Convention of the Week: Norwescon 2024 (28-31, Seattle, WA) While maintaining a primarily literary focus, Norwescon is large enough to provide a venue for many other aspects... Welcome to Norwescon! – Norwescon

Actual Science Conference of the Week: SEG/SPE/SPWLA Workshop – From Measurement to Theory: Adventures in Rock Physics, Petrophysics, and Engineering (27-29, Norman, OK) Celebrate the life of Carl Sondergeld and his contributions to Earth science and engineering SEG/SPE/SPWLA Workshop: From Measurement to Theory: Adventures in Rock Physics, Petrophysics, and Engineering - SEG

Answer to Puzzle of the Week: Justin Trudeau --> trust in judo

When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front...the further back you go, the more you have to pay. The hundred dollar seats are the last two rows, and those tickets go like hotcakes! In fact, if you pay two hundred dollars you don't have to come at all. --Jack Benny

..........It hasn't been such a bad day at all.........Charlie Brown …..Happiness

^^^^^ Roger Clinton, Jr. - Bill Clinton's younger half-brother has been making headlines for decades. When Bill Clinton was elected governor of Arkansas, Roger was arrested for selling cocaine and spent a year in jail. Roger's connections to drugs continued once his brother became president, as the younger Clinton lobbied for pardons on behalf of drug traffickers and was even pardoned by his brother in 2001 for all of his crimes. Roger's other escapades include a failed music career and numerous ventures into film and television acting. Despite trying to keep a low profile over the past few years, Roger was arrested for a DUI offense in June 2016.

Conspiracy Theory of the Week: A spicier variant is that COVID not only escaped from a lab, but it was intentionally created by Chinese scientists as a biowarfare weapon. According to Pew Research, “nearly three-in-10 Americans believe that COVID-19 was made in a lab,” either intentionally or accidentally (the former is more popular: specifically, 23 percent believe it was developed intentionally, with only 6 percent believing it was an accident). ~~This was also a conspiracy theory about AIDS only it was Africa instead of China.

Quote of the Week: I never met a chocolate I didn't like. --Deanna Troi

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: If men are so much stronger than women, how come men in video games need full plate armor while women only need a chainmail bikini? --Submitted by WEGKC

Today's Peace of History, March 29, 1925: Black leaders in Charleston, WV, protested the showing of D. W. Griffith's movie, Birth of a Nation, which was scheduled to open at the Rialto Theatre on April 1. They said it violated a 1919 state law prohibiting any entertainment which demeaned another race. Mayor W.W. Wertz and the West Virginia Supreme Court supported their argument and prevented the showing of the film; efforts to ban the film met with mixed results around the country.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. --Jack Benny Everything good that happened to me happened by accident. --Jack Benny

..........What a glorious feeling I'm happy again..........Gene Kelly …..Singing In The Rain

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle, March 29, 2024, jAcked ePistle. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. Lawrence, KS.

Moonbeam: Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important. --Eugene McCarthy

Cost of War:

• As of 03/28/24 State Department Costs: $232,264,002,368.
• As of 03/21/24 State Department Costs: $231,700,492,927.
• As of 03/28/24 Interest on War Debt: $1,207,843,720,226.
• As of 03/21/24 Interest on War Debt: $1,206,266,987,415.
• As of 03/28/24 Homeland Security: $1,163,994,826,464.
• As of 03/21/24 Homeland Security: $1,106,266,987,415.
• As of 03/28/24 Veterans Care: $3,581,026,863,244.
• As of 03/21/24 Veterans Care: $3,569,074,582,114.
• As of 03/28/24 Military Costs: $3,076,751,925,305.
• As of 03/21/24 Military Costs: $3,075,554,770,468.
• As of 03/28/24 Total Cost of Wars: $9,261,883,045,463.
• As of 03/21/24 Total Cost of Wars: $9,245,980,591,278.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

Enlightenment, peace, and joy will not be granted by someone else. The well is within us, and if we dig deeply in the present moment, the water will spring forth. --Nhat Hanh

Famous Last Words: Nobody's perfect. --Osgood Fielding III Some Like It Hot

..........You bring the sunshine into my life.........Alexia ….Happy

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray. --Jack Benny. Modesty is my best quality. --Jack Benny

May Peace shed light on your path
And Joy spread it with rose petals
prairie mama
christine

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