ePistolary vIsions

 Famous First Words: When do you suppose the big row will come off? --International Congress of Women, 4/28-30, 1915

Because it is the last weekend in April it is National Dream Hotline weekend. What is my dream job: Oh, in my dreams I don't work. / I had a dream last night that I was vacuuming with the grim reaper. I was Dyson with death.

..........Sunbeams will soon smile through..........Donald O'Connor …...Good Morning

The best form of government is that which is most likely to prevent the greatest sum of evil. --James Monroe

It is a cloudy Friday morning. The sky is almost completely covered with thin white puffs and yet the sun finds cracks and holes to shine on my backyard. I have returned from the doctor (routine, I'm fine) and I'm snarfing down a breakfast biscuit while watching spring roll gently by outside my window. There is just enough breeze to make the willow branches swing but not enough to make the young mulberry tree budge. It is already 59°F - a near perfect morning temperature. The crows have come and gone so only the quarreling of sparrows fills the air. Veronica keeps a close eye on the sparrows at the feeder and also hopping around in the grass. I take a long sip of the coffee that has waited for me to return home. It smells of cream and caffeine and ambition. Alas, it is decaf and the promised ambition is missing.

Hope your weekend is a dream come true, ePistliers.

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Favorite Earth Day Sign – Wake Up and Smell the Permafrost

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream. “Why is everything here so bad?” asks Putin, “what can I do to make Russia great again?” “Stalin replies, “Execute half of your population and paint the Kremlin blue.” “Why blue?” asks the inquisitive Putin. “I knew you wouldn't object to the first part,” says Stalin. / Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss-a-Brie? I cheddar the world and the feta cheese, everybody's looking for Stilton.

..........But Moses supposes erroneously..........Donald O'Connor …...Moses Supposes

Trivia Questions: Happy Arbor Day – Go plant a tree...I'll wait

• ^ When or where was the first Arbor Day in the US celebrated?
• ^^ Would you care to guess how many trees were planted on this very first Arbor Day?
• ^^^ Why was the name Arbor Day selected over Sylvan Day?
• ^^^^ How many countries celebrate Arbor Day?
• ^^^^^ Where or when was the first Arbor Day anywhere?

Big Hello: Ayukii – Karuk (Northern California) https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Heard of the Week: Do you believe in love at first sight or should I come in again? --Modern Family

Image of the Week: Lawrence KS Earth Day Farmer's Market

Fake Library Statistics of the Week: 35% of library fax machines are programmed to skip every fifth page. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

My partner told me he had dreams of me making love to Brad Pitt. It's sweet of him to think of my happiness. / We finally made Grandma's dream come true. She always wanted to go to medical school and she did – as a cadaver.

..........You were all the sweet things rolled up in one..........Donald O'Connor …...You Were Meant For Me

Moonbeam: The determination of the relationship and mutual dependence of the facts in particular cases must be the first goal of the Physicist; and for this purpose he requires that an exact measurement may be taken in an equally invariable manner anywhere in the world… Also, the history of electricity yields a well-known truth—that the physicist shirking measurement only plays, different from children only in the nature of his game and the construction of his toys. --Franz Karl Achard

Question of the Week: Are we allowed to daydream at night?

Puzzle of the Week: From listener Jan Brooksby: Think of a common 8-letter word, in which the first three letters spell a word, and the fifth, sixth, and seventh letters also spell a word. These two little words mean the same thing. The fourth letter, when rotated 180°, becomes the eighth letter. What word was this? NPR Sunday Puzzle 4/23/23

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: My emotional support dog ate my comfort food. --speedbump.com

I just woke up from a dream about Roman numerals marching along 1,5,1,5,500. It was VIVID. / We bought our new dream house and I was showing our 4 year old around. She asked excitedly, “What's upstairs?” I just shook my head and replied, “Aw, sweetie, stairs don't talk?”

..........I could jump over the moon up above..........Donald O'Connor …...Fit As A Fiddle

^ The first US Arbor Day was celebrated on April 10, 1872 in Nebraska. It was proposed by the secretary of the Nebraska Territory, J Sterling Morton.

Almanac: It is Friday, April 28, 2023. The moon went into the first quarter yesterday and is in Leo. The United Nations has declared this World Day for Safety and Health at Work. It is also Biological Clock Day, Brave Hearts Day, National Teach Your Children To Save Day, and Workers Memorial Day. In Maryland it is Ratification Day (1788). Because it is the last Friday of April, it is Arbor Day and National Hairball Awareness Day.

Among those born on this day were Edward IV (1442), Lorenz Ott (1748), Franz Achard (1753), James Monroe (1758), Francis Baily (1774), Tobias Carel Asser (1838), Johann Backlund (1846), Sidney Toler (1874), Lionel Barrymore (Herbert Blythe, 1878), Jan Hendrik Oort (1900), Robert Anderson (1917), Donald O'Connor (1925), Harper Lee (1926), Carolyn Jones (1929), Oliver Jackson (Bops Jr, 1933), Ann Margaret (Olsson, 1941), John Creighton (1943), Jerome Apt (Jay, 1949), Jay Leon (1950), Paul Lockhart (1956), and Leopold Eyharts (1957).

On April twenty-eighth parliament demanded supervision of royal spending (1376), Mutiny broke out on the HMS Bounty (1789), French colonies freed their last slaves (1848), Dvorak's Carneval premiered (1892), the air conditioner was patented (1914), the first commercial flight across the Pacific took off (1937), Thor Heyerdahl in the Kon-Tiki set sail from Peru for Polynesia (1947), Charles de Gaulle resigned as president of France (1969), the last Americans were evacuated from Saigon (1975), Billy Martin was named Yankee manager for the fourth time (1985), Chernobyl had a melt down (1986), space shuttle Discovery 12 was launched (STS 30, 1991), and Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (1999).

Night Sky 4/29 : The Moon shines high toward the south-southwest after dark. It's hanging off the crook of the Leo Sickle, which is nearly upright. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Fraternal Picture of the Week A: Ollie meets Shrek and Pinocchio and Fiona.

Fraternal Picture of the Week B: Max at his first T-ball game – The Little Harbor Company

This Week: Saturday, April 29 – Bob Wills** Day & Independent Bookstore Day & International Sculpture Day ** Bob Wills and the Texas Playboys My Little Home in San Antone

Sunday, April 30 – Beltane & National First Ladies Day & National Honesty Day

Night Sky, 4/30: Face north just after nightfall, look very high, and you'll find the Pointers, the end stars of the Big Dipper's bowl, on the meridian pointing toward Polaris straight down below. From the Pointers to Polaris is about three fists at arm's length.

Monday, May 1 – Beltane & May Day & Global Love Day & Hug Your Cat Day & Mother Goose Day

Tuesday, May 2 – Foster Care Day & International Harry Potter Day & World Tuna Day

Wednesday, May 3 – Public Radio Day & Wild Koala Day & World Press Freedom Day

Night Sky, 5/3: Mars is crossing central Gemini this week. Look for it high in the west in early evening, lower later. It's upper left of Venus by about three fists at arm's length, and it's below Pollux and Castor. Mars shows a slightly deeper orange tint. It is drawing closer to Pollux and Castor and will line up with them, to their left, on the evening of May 16th.

Thursday, May 4 – Intergalactic Star Wars Day – May the Fourth Be With You & International Respect For Chickens Day

Ever have one of those dreams where you're weightless? 0mg. / It's been a long-term dream to convert a lighthouse; but the project has been off and on for years now.

.........Just slip on a banana peel the world's at your feet..........Donald O'Connor …...Make 'Em Laugh

^^ It's estimated that over 1 million trees were planted in Nebraska on the first Arbor Day.

Preantepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: The best time to plant a tree was 100 years ago. The second best time? Today! --Mike H Odetalia --Submitted by bd of ny

Moonbeam: Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity. --Thor Heyerdahl

Video of the Week: Donald O'Connor singing Make Em Laugh from Singing In The Rain https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUmQoYECogA (3:26)

Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: The white house is surrounded, of course, by high tech security but a two year old master criminal figured out you could just slip through the bars in the fence. The toddler's parents ... yelling for help while thinking we could just run. He'd be raised by the president and we could go to restaurants again. --Peter Sagal Wait Wait Don't Tell Me 4/22/23

It was by one Union that we achieved our independence and liberties, and by it alone can they be maintained. --James Monroe

We're the Dream Team – everyone of us has been caught sleeping at work. / Yo papa's so fat even his hopes and dreams are on weight watchers.

..........You're the cat's meow..........Donald O'Connor …...All I Do Is Dream Of You

^^^ Arbor Day was almost called Sylvan Day, coming from the Latin word “Silva,” meaning “of the forest” or “woodland.” J. Sterling Morton decided against this name because he wanted to include all types of trees, not just forest trees.

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: This is America – where you are free to be shot if you ring the wrong doorbell or pull into the wrong driveway. --Submitted by Thoughts From Aisle 4

Weird Word of the Week: Christofascism – a distortion of Christianity that denotes an intersection between fascism and Christianity. https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Christofascist

Dragon of the Week: The Sneinton Dragon of Nottingham --Submitted by vr of TH

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Prevent a cake from sticking to the pan. When you take the pan out of the oven, place it on a damp sheet of Bounty Paper Towel for several minutes. The dampness cools the pan and the cake, averting a sticky mess. https://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/bounty.html

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right. The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the other door and jumps onto the other horse. Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?" He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through." / I didn't snore. I was just dreaming I'm an engine.

...........Let's dance away the blues..........Donald O'Connor …...Something To Dance About

^^^^ Today, at least 44 countries worldwide celebrate Arbor Day.

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Dear Earth, We are sorry for everything and will try to do better. Signed, A lot of people who care.

Science Fiction Convention of the Week: Oz-Con (28-30, West Plains, MO) ..a gaming, cosplay and anime convention nestled in the Ozarks. https://oz-con.com/

Actual Science Conference of the Week: Power & Electrical Engineering (26-28, St Petersburg, Russia) ...a focus on electrical and electronic devices. https://www.tradefairdates.com/Power+%26+Electrical+Engineering-M11220/Saint+Petersburg.html

Answer to Puzzle of the Week: Shepherd

Last night I had a dream that I could see a new color I'd never seen before. It was a pigment of my imagination. / I was rejected from my dream art school because I used the wrong pencil. I guess it wasn't meant 2B.

..........I keep tossing in my sleep at night..........Donald O'Connor …...You're Just In Love

^^^^^ The first documented Arbor Day was celebrated in the Spanish village of Mondoñedo in 1594! They planted lime and horse-chestnut trees.

My Own Writing of the Week: What are you thinking? You know that annoying question that women (usually) ask of men (usually) after sex, "What are you thinking?..Penny for your thoughts". I've asked that question myself. Analysis suggests that I did this when he had gotten off and I had not. If I had climaxed, I would be on the same thoughtless plane. Then I wouldn't give a sh*t. And the thoughtless place is where we all want to be, after all - sacred orgasm! I may have faked it or I may not have bothered, but I didn't make it. And the question was an attempt, I believe, to share that place, that thoughtless place. I apologize to any poor soul of whom I asked this.

I would be hard pressed to describe my mental activity after orgasm: "I'm thinking about red rushes and these filmy, fleeting dream images in black and white and the aftershocks in my groin demand attention now and again and a near blinding white light emits from my eyes when I open them. Oh, yeah, and there is this sensational sensation of floating that goes away if I think. Why? What are you thinking?"

Sex isn't sex until you both cross the finish line. Until then, it's a favor.

Let me introduce you to my Vibrator Team. The captain is a sleek and simple, lavender phallic, Armand. He is smooth and dignified with a European flair and a motor he sacrificed early in his career. There is Inanna, who is round and ribbed and rechargeable but with a sturdy handle. Next is the Fox who is small, concentrated and electric. The fox runs special teams when a small space needs extended care. And finally, sparkle, the tiny toss-away with a shag surface that messages any small area to complete relaxation. I generally refer to them as the fantastic four.

AIDS was a serious blow to the sexual revolution. Suddenly one had to ask embarrassing questions and worry about layers of protection. The life of love 'em and leave 'em began to be rocky and unsustainable. On the Negative Side was a much smaller pool to pick from. Positives included a new and awesome reason to seduce virgins.

I hate condoms and I know they are even worse for men. Most men are clueless enough about what to do with them when they are on the penis; after they are off - they have even less idea of what could be considered appropriate. Someone please publish a piece on condom etiquette. This is one of the lowlights of single life.

AIDS has taken several of my friends, one a prolific and amazing letter writer. Worst of all, AIDS gave the cult of virginity new life. The cult of virginity exists within Christianity as well as other patriarchal religions. The oppressive restriction of a girl's sexuality assumes that women are property and that their bodies are property and that their sexuality is property and their thoughts are property and their feelings are property to be prescribed by someone outside of that body and mind who does or will someday own it. Also it doesn't allow either gender to feel the upholstery before buying the car.

A friend of mine told me that a classmate of hers at medical school was a virgin. I was appalled. I never want to take some complaint or other to a doctor only to find out she doesn't even have the basic human experiences that the rest of us have.

Techniques from Always Surrender by Christine Smith

Quote of the Week: We look at the world once, in childhood. The rest is memory. --Louise Glück

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Just as talking about sex won't make you pregnant, talking about death won't make you dead. --Jon Underwood --Submitted by msh of bc

Today's Peace of History: April 28, 1978: At the Rocky Flats nuclear weapons facility, near Denver, over 5,000 protested and nearly 300 were arrested over the following eight months for blocking railroad tracks entering the plant where plutonium bombs used as detonators in hydrogen bombs were produced.

According to my dream journal, Scarlett Johansson has made 6 appearances this year. But it might be 7; some pages are stuck together. / A woman interrupted the doctor's examination of a patient. She yelled, “Doctor, help me. I keep dreaming I'm a deck of cards.” The doctor mastered all the patience she could and said, “I'll deal with you later.”

..........Come on with the rain, I've a smile on my face..........Donald O'Connor …...Singing In The Rain

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle April 28, 2023, ePistolary visions. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. Lawrence, KS.

Moonbeam: There is nothing as dreamy and poetic, nothing as radical, subversive, and psychedelic, as mathematics. --Paul Lockhart

Cost of War:

• As of 04/27/23 State Department War Costs since 2001: $205,560,144,658.
• As of 04/20/23 State Department War Costs since 2001: $205,015,599,963.
• As of 04/27/23 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,133,254,306,406.
• As of 04/20/23 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,131,733,384,498.
• As of 04/27/23 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,134,987,817,248.
• As of 04/20/23 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,134,189,197,657.
• As of 04/27/23 Veterans Care since 2001: $3,015,620,222,359.
• As of 04/20/23 Veterans Care since 2001: $3,004,091,272,664.
• As of 04/27/23 Military Costs since 2001: $3,020,119,176,909.
• As of 04/20/23 Military Costs since 2001: $3,018,964,430,400.
• As of 04/27/23 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $8,509,543,226,867.
• As of 04/20/23 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $8,494,203,489,653.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

Preparation for war is a constant stimulus to suspicion and ill will. --James Monroe

Famous Last Words: He would be there until Jem waked up in the morning. --Harper Lee To Kill A Mockingbird

..........There's nothing more to say..........Donald O'Connor …...It's A Lovely Day Today ##Disclaimer: Other people sang some of these songs, but the lyrics were likely written by O'Connor.

I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Alas, it was just a Fanta Sea. / Millennials dream about owning a house, but it's a surreal estate.

May Peace sweeten your life

And Joy perfume your dreams

prairie mama

christine

Last Laugh: Veronica as the Grey Mouser

4/21 ePistle

Famous First Words: There was no possibility of taking a walk that day. --Charlotte Brontë Jane Eyre

As a cruel joke to stoners the day after 4/20 (Weed Day) is National Surprise Drug Test Day! I passed my surprise drug test yesterday at work. I need to have a long talk with my dealer. / A woman gets a call from her boss who tells she tested positive for opiates. She replied that she had just eaten a bagel with poppy seeds before the test. But the boss asked about cannabis, LSD, and cocaine. The woman replied, “It was a bagel with everything”.

..........She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie..........J J Cale …..Cocaine

Establishing enduring peace is the work of education; all politics can do is keep us out of the war. -– Dr. Maria Montessori

It is a gorgeous Friday morning. The temperature (47°F) is chilly but the breeze is light and moves only the dangling willow branches – still not fully clothed. For a while a crow sat on the electrical wires crisscrossing the backyard and shouting at the morning. There are neither clouds nor jet trails in the sky; there is only blue on blue on blue. Small tufts of leaves are slowly growing on the mulberry tree just outside my window. It looks so happy. Puck is still asleep on his pillow and hasn't even been out yet to do his business. The aroma of fresh coffee tempts me so as the final gurgling sounds die away, I fetch my second cup of Nuttin' But Kisses and inhale the steamy aura all the way back to my computer before taking a long, delicious sip. Ahh, and here I am ready to write to you. That worked out pretty well.

Hope your weekend takes the cake, ePistliers

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: It is the birthday (1828) of Webster's first dictionary: I read the dictionary last night. At first I thought it was the aardvark, but by the end I realized the zebra did it.

I interviewed for a job this week but they forgot to drug test me. I slipped through the crack. / Not to brag, but I recently aced the drag test at work. Nobody got higher than me.

..........He snorted his coke through a century note........Hoyt Axton …..Delia and the Dealer

Trivia Questions: It's Numismatics Week aka Coin Week. (16-22)

• ^ Do you know how to pronounce Numismatists?
• ^^ Who is the first person known to have collected coins?
• ^^^ What makes a coin valuable to a collector anyway?
• ^^^^ What was the first animal to appear on a US coin?
• ^^^^^ How long does a circulated coin last?

Big Hello: Terveh – Karelian (Finland and Karelia, Russia) https://omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Don't you hate it when you have to act surprised that you failed your surprise drug test. --Submitted by MMS

Image of the Week: Happy Bulldogs Are Beautiful Day

Fake Library Statistics of the Week: 40% of library staff have perfected the skill of eating cake without using any utensils. https://www.facebook.com/Fa keLibStats/?fref=ts

The beach failed its drug test because of the sea weed. / They gave me a drug test to see if I was on hallucinogens. I passed with flying colors.

..........Livin' of Reds, Vitamin C and Cocaine.........Grateful Dead …..Truckin'

Moonbeam: Science is all metaphor. --Timothy Leary

Question of the Week: When stirring up trouble, do you start in a clockwise direction or is it counter-clockwise?

Puzzle of the Week: From Joseph Young, of St. Cloud, Minn., who conducts the blog "Puzzleria." Name some things you might grow in a garden. Move the middle letter to the beginning. Phonetically the result sounds like part of the human body and an article of clothing that covers it. What words are these?

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Living at risk is jumping off a cliff and building your wings on the way down. --Ray Bradbury

The first day on my new job the Boss said, “We're going to give a drug test”. And I said “Great, I know all about drugs.” / I took my first drug test today. I only got 5 answers right.

..........When I put a spike into my vein.........Velvet Underground …..Heroin

^ Numismatists: "noo-miz-ma-tists"

Almanac: It is Friday, April 21, 2023. The moon was new yesterday and is in Taurus. It is Bulldogs Are Beautiful Day, Kindergarten Day, LGBT National Day of Silence aka National Day of Silence, National Chocolate-Covered Cashews Day, National Surprise Drug Test Day, and the Queen's actual birthday

Among those born on this day were Johann Philipp Kafer (1673), Charlotte Bronte (1816), Max Weber (1864), Pat Brown (1905), Anthony Quinn (1915), Daniel Melnick (1924), Elaine May (1932), John McCabe (1939), Iggy Pop (James Newell Osterberg, 1947), Patti LuPone (1949), Tony Danza (1951), Andie MacDowell (Rosalie Anderson, 1958), Robert Smith (Cure, 1959), and Tia Jackson (1972),

On April twenty-first Rome was founded (753 BCE), the Maryland Toleration Act allowed freedom of all worship (1649), John Adams was sworn in as the first US vice president (1789), Grillparzer's Sappho premiered (1818), Webster published his first dictionary (1828), the first railroad bridge across the Mississippi River was completed (Rock Island to Davenport, 1856), the US Mint in Denver was established (1862), the first buffalo was born in Golden Gate Park (1892), Black longshoremen went on strike for higher wages (St. Louis, 1892), Shaw's Arms & the Man premiered (1894), Ty Cobb played his first pro game (1904), the zipper was patented (1913), Bulgaria outlawed all political parties (1935), the first Polaroid camera was sold in the US (1948), Inherit the Wind premiered (1955), Heartbreak Hotel became number one (1956), Brasilia became the capital of Brazil (1960), the Orbiting Astronomical Observatory 4 was launched (Copernicus, 1972), the one pound coin was introduced in the UK (1983), Beijing's Tiananmen Square demonstration began (1989), Brazil voted out the monarchy (1993), and the ashes of Timothy Leary and Gene Roddenberry were launched into orbit (1997).

Night Sky, 4/21: The annual Lyrid meteor shower always brings an end to the meteor drought that occurs each year between January and mid-April. Best seen late evening April 21 until dawn April 22 – or late evening April 22 until dawn April 23 – will be best. In a moonless sky, about a quarter of Lyrid meteors leave a persistent train, a trail of ionized gas that glows for a few seconds after the meteor has passed. 10-15 per hour. https://earthsky.org/astronomy-essentials/everything-you-need-to-know-lyrid-meteor-shower/

Fraternal Picture of the Week: I am as old as my tongue and a little older than my teeth. --Jonathan Swift

This Week: Saturday, April 22 – Celebrate Trails Day & National Drug Take Back Day & Earth Day

Night Sky, 4/22: The annual Lyrid meteor shower always brings an end to the meteor drought that occurs each year between January and mid-April. Best seen late evening April 21 until dawn April 22 – or late evening April 22 until dawn April 23 – will be best. In a moonless sky, about a quarter of Lyrid meteors leave a persistent train, a trail of ionized gas that glows for a few seconds after the meteor has passed. 10-15 per hour

Sunday, April 23 – Talk Like Shakespeare Day & English Language Day

Monday, April 24 – World Day for Animals in Laboratories

Tuesday, April 25 – DNA Day & National Library Workers Day & Hug A Plumber Day

Wednesday, April 26 – Alien Day & National Help A Horse Day & Walk At Lunch Day

Night Sky, 4/26 : Saturn is in the east-southeast before sunrise. Nearly 15° above the horizon, the Ringed Wonder is becoming easier to see each morning. It rivals the morning’s brightest stars. Jupiter is slowly emerging from bright sunlight after its solar conjunction over two weeks ago. This morning it rises twenty minutes before the sun. https://whenthecurveslineup.com/2023/04/02/2023-april-26-evening-venus-mars-moon-morning-saturn/

Thursday, April 27 – Celebrate Teen Literature Day & Take Action For Libraries Day & World Tapir Day

My boss told me we're starting drug testing next week. I said that's not a problem, except I refuse to try meth. / They refuse to hire pessimists at the drug testing lab. Pessimists can never see positives.

..........Gettin' off on sweet cocaine.........Laura Nyro …..Poverty Train

^^ Caesar Augustus, aka Octavian, was the first Roman emperor reigning from 27 BCE until 15 CE, Agustus was said to amass coins and give them as gifts. So he has been named the first numismatist.

Preantepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever. We call these people cops. High Church Coyote --Submitted by bu of ks

Moonbeam: All knowledge of cultural reality, as may be seen, is always knowledge from particular points of view. --Max Weber

Video of the Week: Elvis singing Heartbreak Hotel live, 1956 (2:05) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4euyTDhFnk

Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: Again, I'm trying to get into heaven, Peter, there's a lot you gotta do, especially if you're Muslin. It's tougher. --Negin Farsad Wait Wait Don't Tell Me 4/15/23

Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal. — Martin Luther King, Jr.

My employer drug tested me. Turns out, her week is better. / I got a job offer at Pepsi today. I just hope they don't drug test me and find Coke in my system.

..........there's a little yellow pill.........Rolling Stones …..Mother's Little Helper

^^^ Age, Rarity, Condition, and metal are the four basics of assigning value to coins.

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Mother Nature apologizes for the late arrival of spring. Father Time was driving and refused to stop and ask for directions.

Weird Word of the Week: Craic (krak) – Good times involving pleasant company and enjoyable conversation. https://www.irishcentral.com/culture/craic/irish-craic-explained

Dragon of the Week: Dragon of Riga

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Make an impromptu coffee filter. Use a sheet of Bounty Paper Towels in the coffee maker. https://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/bounty.html

Does anyone have a witticism to say after I pee into the cup? / I was kicked out of Pharmacology School because I kept failing drug tests.

...........Chop another line like a coda with a curse.........Third Eye Blind …..Semi-Charmed Life

^^^^ The first animal featured on a US coin was an eagle. It appeared on a circulating coin in 1794. The second animal was a bison (1913-1928)

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I'm not a control freak, I just know how to fold a towel the right way. You can't just fold towels willy-nilly, like some kind of linen rebel.

Science Fiction Convention of the Week: LexiCon 2023 (21-23, Lexington, KY) Tabletop Game Convention is a fun, friendly gaming convention https://lexicongaming.com/

Actual Science Conference of the Week: 2023 Cannabis Science Conference (20-21, Cranbury, NJ) Deep dive on hemp production. https://www.cannabisscienceconference.com/event/cannabis-science-conference-spring/

Answer to Puzzle of the Week: Eggplants (garden vegetable) --> leg, pants (body part)

My drug test at work came back negative and my boss said, “So, you're just weird?” / But the only reason I take drugs in the first place is to tolerate the other people at work.

..........Found my way upstairs and had a smoke.........The Beatles …..A Day In the Life

^^^^^ Coins can last around 30 years in circulation before they're too worn to use. When coins reach the end of their life, the Federal Reserve removes them from circulation. Old coins are melted down and used for other things.

My Own Writing of the Week: I have always been into seduction and if I had been a soulless zombie, I would have gone into merchandising, trying to seduce you into buying crap you don't want or need.; or into advertising, trying to seduce you into buying crap you don't want or need; or into copywriting trying to seduce you into buying crap you don't want or need.

I began writing poems of seduction before I began having sex. (Thank god, I didn't keep any of them.) Every week I write an e-letter that begins with a paragraph whose sole purpose is to seduce the reader into reading the rest of the paragraphs. My seduction letters are still cherished by men and women across the country.

Hidden in Spirit

Come laugh with me

A merry song and I will play for you

the harp that dwells within your soul.

Come sing with me

A happy song and I will stir for you

the pipes that lay silent in your mind.

Come play with me

A joyful song and I will set to music

the melodies that arise in your spirit.

First Dates:

On our first date Bruce took me to see Bob Dylan in concert. It was at the Sandstone Amphitheater. I don't remember who opened for Dylan, but I remember him playing and singing and not talking. And I remember Bruce being a lot of fun. Good weed, great seats, excellent music. How could I not fall in love with him?

However, my most romantic first date was with the fisherman. He was beautiful; I met him playing Dungeons and Dragons. He was part of the team that entered a creation of mine called Penthesilea's Cave which was housed inside the mountain into which the pied piper led the children of Hamelin. Then, alas, he moved away; hurrah, he moved away and we wrote for several months. When he returned to town he took me to a small, upscale bistro for raw oysters on the half-shell. It was delicious on many levels. They worked; it was a great first date. Thank you, darlin'

He was the fisherman because he cut holes in the ice up north somewhere and caught salmon and smoked it and brought some to me. It was incredible.

Techniques from Always Surrender by Christine Smith

Quote of the Week: Civilizations in decline are consistently characterized by a tendency towards standardization and uniformity. --Arnold Toynbee

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: When I ask you what you're thinking about and you say “nothing”, is that “nothing” as in the Infinite Void, the emptiness of Zen, the nothingness of Sartre and Lacan, ex nihilo nihil fit, or what?

Today's Peace of History, April 21, 1856: Stonemasons and other construction workers on building sites around Melbourne, Australia, stopped work and marched to Parliament House. advocating eight hours for work, eight hours for recreation, and eight hours for rest. They became the first organized workers in the world to achieve an eight-hour workday, inspiring the celebration of Labor Day and May Day.

I don't always drink the recommended amount of water, but when I do it's because I have a drug test coming up. / Hey, when I was in college my CPA was so high it failed a drug test.

..........they knew all the right people, they took all the right pills.........the Eagles …..Life In the Fast Lane

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle, April 21, 2023, 4/21 ePistle. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. Lawrence, KS.

Moonbeam: I would always rather be happy than dignified. --Charlotte Brontë

Cost of War:

• As of 04/20/23 State Department War Costs since 2001: $205,015,599,963.
• As of 04/13/23 State Department War Costs since 2001: $204,446,361,537.
• As of 04/20/23 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,131,733,384,498.
• As of 04/13/23 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,130,143,410,813.
• As of 04/20/23 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,134,189,197,657.
• As of 04/13/23 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,133,777,011,305.
• As of 04/20/23 Veterans Care since 2001: $3,004,091,272,664.
• As of 04/13/23 Veterans Care since 2001: $2,992,038,437,277.
• As of 04/20/23 Military Costs since 2001: $3,018,964,430,400.
• As of 04/13/23 Military Costs since 2001: $3,017,757,168,420.
• As of 04/20/23 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $8,494,203,489,653.
• As of 04/13/23 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $8,178,165,414,157.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

True peace, on the contrary, suggests the triumph of justice and love among all people. --Maria Montessori

Famous Last Words: Here will I lay my head to rest. --Grillparzer Sappho

..........And you've just had some kind of mushroom..........Jefferson Airplane …..White Rabbit

Code for drug test: Urine Trouble / Worst joke of all: Tomorrow (4/23) is National Unemployment Day.

May Peace set the tempo

And Joy carry the melody

prairie mama

christine

Last Laugh:

wild and carzy ePistle

 Famous First Words: To the red country... John Steinbeck The Grapes of Wrath

Happy Birthday, Steve Martin! Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. / Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

..........Brush off the clouds and cheer up........Shelley Fabares & James Darren …..Put On A Happy Face

Every renaissance comes to the world with a cry, the cry of the human spirit to be free. --Anne Sullivan

It is a bright, warm (55° F) Friday morning. The sky is a pastel blue with fluffy white clouds gathering in groups around the sky. They seem to be headed north in no hurry at all. A light breeze makes the willow branches – newly decked out in yellow-green leaves – dance gracefully high above the yard. Closer to the ground and to my window a young tree is sprouting green everywhere and trying to sway in a more dignified manner than the giggling willow. So far, no birds have flown by the window or perched on the roof of the shed; but unseen high pitched chirps are singing matins to the world. The sun has just risen above the house enough to cast a glow on the dancing willow and the other tall trees – the very highest whose leaves are still yellow with youth and the shorter one with the very, very green leaves. ~~Spring in Lawrence, who can resist it. --Alan Miller c 1967~~ As I watch the willow not attempting to match the rhythm of the birds, I bring the cup to my face and breathe in the smell of chocolate, steamy and creamy. As the chocolate nut flavor flows over my tongue and down my throat, I notice not a single cloud left in the pale blue sky. Perfect.

Hope your weekend is wild and crazy, ePistliers.

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Strong women don't have attitudes; they have standards. --Submitted by Women for Kansas

I'm tired of wasting letters when punctuation will do, period. / Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

..........How lovely to be so grown-up and free..........Shelley Fabares …..How Lovely To Be A Woman

Trivia Questions: Happy World Marbles Day!

• ^ How long, do you think, has the game of Marbles been around?
• ^^ How long have Marbles been mass produced?
• ^^^ Would you care to guess when Marble championships became international?
• ^^^^ How many kinds of Marbles can you name?
• ^^^^^ What is KC's only functioning Marbles factory?

There are some cool marbles on this website: https://www.marblecollecting.com/marble-collectors-society-of-america/

Big Hello: Xsaqär – Kaqchikel (Guatemala) https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I, personally, think Cinderella should have lived a happy life with all her animal friends rather than settle for a man who had her try on a shoe because he didn't recognize her without makeup. --okiecorri --Submitted by bc of tx

Image of the Week: Kansas Relays are back this year.

Fake Library Statistics of the Week: 35% of librarians' favorite Karaoke song is Sound of Silence. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke. / I just gave my cat a bath. Now how do I get all this fur off my tongue?

..........There's music to play, places to go, people to see.........James Darren …..A Lot of Livin' To Do

Moonbeam: “I believe that we do not know anything for certain, but everything probably.” --Christiaan Huygens

Question of the Week: When taking a True or False test, how do you answer a half true statement?

Puzzle of the Week: From Mark Maxwell-Smith. Think of an eight-letter word for a certain kind of musician. Switch the order of the second and fourth letters and you'll get a word for a certain writer. What words are these? I'm looking for words, not famous people. NPR Sunday Puzzle 4/9/23

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: If you spell your name backwards and put an umlaut over the first vowel, that's our IKEA furniture name. --Submitted by INRITH ~~Ënitsirhc

I didn't sing, dance, or act, though working around that minor detail made me inventive. / A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

..........Don't let me go like this.........The Marcels …..One Last Kiss

^ Popular in ancient Egypt and Rome, marbles were usually made of clay, bone, round stones, and other materials.

Almanac: It is Friday, April 14, 2023. The moon was in the last quarter yesterday (4/13) and is in Capricorn. It is Children with Alopecia Day, Dictionary Day, International Moment of Laughter Day, National Dolphin Day, National Pecan Day , Pan American Day, Pathologists' Assistant Day, and World Marbles Day. This weekend is American Fancy Rat & Mouse Days.

Among those born on this day were Abraham Elsevier (1592), Christiaan Huygens (1629), Ernst Hesse (1676), Emanuele Barbella (1718), Junius Morgan (1813), Charles Halle (1819), Edgar Stillman Kelley (1857), Anne Sullivan (1866), Arnold Toynbee (1889), Vere Childe (1892), Martin Kessel (1901), Frits Philips (1905), Everhard van Royen (1913), John Paul Steves (1920), Shorty Rogers (1924), Rod Steiger (1925), William Thornton (1929), Buddy Knox (1933), George Takei (1940), Pete Rose (1941), Ryan O'Neal (1941), Steve Martin (1945), Ty Grimes (Captain Beefheart, 1948), and Sarah Michelle Gellar (1977).

On April fourteenth the word "telescope" was first used (Cesi, 1611), Pocahontas married Rolfe (1614), the first US abolitionist society was organized (1775), NY adopted a new constitution (1777), US Medical Corp was formed (1818), the Territory of Wisconsin was created (1836), Tubman opened the underground railroad (1853), the first Pony Express rider arrived in San Francisco (1860), the continuous rolling printing press was patented (1863), Abraham Lincoln was shot (1865), the Canadian Homestead Act was passed (1872), the first kinetoscope was shown to the public (1894), Sousa's El Capitan premiered (1896), the Curies isolated the element radium (1902), Candida premiered (1904), the Titanic set sail for the final time (1912), Jeux d'Enfants premiered (1932), Grapes of Wrath was published (1939), the electron microscope was demonstrated (1940), A flash of light was observed in Plato Crater on the moon (1948), the Nuremberg trials began (1949), Canine Laika was launched in Sputnik 2 (1958), Bye Bye Birdie opened (1960), blockage against China was lifted (1971), Desmond Tutu was elected archbishop of Capetown (1986), and the court dismissed Apple's lawsuit against Microsoft (1992).

Night Sky, 4/14: This evening Mars shines just a fraction of a degree from Epsilon Geminorum, a fifth as bright. Binoculars give a fine view. 45 minutes after sunset. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Fraternal Picture of the Week: "Eat ice cream. Read books. Be happy." -- Carew Papritz

This Week: Saturday, April 15- Jackie Robinson Day & Take A Wild Guess Day

Sunday, April 16- National Bean Counter Day & National Orchid Day & Save The Elephant Day

Night Sky, 4/16: Right after dark, the Sickle of Leo stands vertical high in the south. Its bottom star is Regulus, Leo's brightest. Leo himself is walking horizontally westward. The Sickle forms his front leg, chest, mane, and part of his head. Off to the left, a long right triangle forms his hind end and long tail.

Monday, April 17- Bat Appreciation Day & Herbalist Day & Nothing Like A Dame Day

Tuesday, April 18- Adult Autism Day & National Animal Cracker Day & Pinata Day

Wednesday, April 19- Bicycle Day & National Garlic Day & National Hanging Out Day

Thursday, April 20 – 4/20 Day & National D.A.R.E. Day

Night Sky, 4/20: Total solar eclipse – Visible in South Indian and South Pacific, Australia. https://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/solar/2023-april-20

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that. / How to make a million dollars: first, get a million dollars.

..........Who can understand anything they say.........Chorus …..Kids

^^ Truly round marbles were expensive and difficult to come by until mass-produced in Ohio during the late 1880s using hardened clay. It was during this time that marbles became affordable for more children to purchase with their own money. Soon after that, marbles would come to be made of glass — the most popular material today.

Preantepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: In Maryland, two teenagers have won a marbles championship. The winning teens quickly said thank you, then boarded their time machine, to return to the year 1937.

Moonbeam: Humor is a powerful tool, and some of these politicians are so far out and easy to lampoon. They just provide such delicious opportunities. --George Takei

Video of the Week: Footage of the Titanic setting sail from Southampton in 1912 (4:49) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkjjxioYIuE

Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: So we are celebrating by taking a week off just to look at each other and ask ourselves where did all the time go. --Peter Sagal The only thing worse than not remembering what you did with your limited time on earth is having recorded evidence of it. --Bill Kurtis Wait Wait Don't Tell Me: 25th Anniversary Spectacular, Part II. 4/8/23

I am beginning to suspect all elaborate and special systems of education. They seem to me to be built on the supposition that every child is a kind of idiot who must be taught to think. --Anne Sullivan

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. / I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

..........And we'll be true..........Chorus …..We Love You, Conrad

^^^ As early as 1932, international championships were held for this game. The British and World Marbles Championships are held every year in West Sussex of England. Other competitions are also held in the United States, Australia, and other parts of the world.

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Some people stir the pot and some people smoke it...

Weird Word of the Week: Bumfuzzle. This is a simple term that refers to being confused, perplexed, or flustered or to cause confusion. This word is derived from the Old English dumfoozle. https://expresswriters.com/34-craziest-words-english/

Dragon of the Week: Dragon playing marbles

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Remove fat from soup. Wrap ice cubs in a sheet of Bounty Paper Towels and skim over the top. The ice attracts the fat, which clings to the paper towels. https://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/bounty.html

I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't. / I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

...........But now I love each blossom that I see.........Dick Van Dyke …..Rosie

^^^^ Most people don’t know that different types of marbles vary from locality to locality. There’s agate (aggie for short) made with various patterns similar to the alley. The alley is made of marble or alabaster and streaked with wavy patterns. The Bumblebee is machine-made, with a mostly yellow color and two black stripes on either side. China has geometric patterns resembling flowers, and price may vary depending on the pattern.

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I'm more concerned about Clarence's wife than Hunter's Laptop. --Submitted by SDS

Science Fiction Convention of the Week: 2023 Universe Multicultural Film Festival (14-16, Rolling Hills, CA) ...it is a place for unique movies that can open their minds and fresh their eyes. http://umfilms.org/About.html

Actual Science Conference of the Week: Verão Quântico - Quantum Summer (10-14, Espirito Santo Brazil) ...cosmology, gravitation, and quantum field theory. https://inspirehep.net/conferences/2619954

Answer to Puzzle of the Week: Musician: Sitarist →> Writer: Satirist

Nothing I do is done by popular demand. / First the doctor told me the good news. I was going to have a disease named after me.

..........What's the story, morning glory.........Chorus …..Telephone Hour

^^^^^ Moon Marble Company, 600 E Front St, Bonner Springs, 66012. https://www.moonmarble.com/

My Own Writing of the Week: We begin life making single syllable noises (goo, ma) and work up to Shakespeare and I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings. But at the best and the worst times in our lives we revert to single syllable noises.

Those gasps, at first irregular, escape from the soul as the body sheds its ego to embrace eternity. Then coming more often, but still irregular, sometimes surrounding actual sounds of air rushing through the vocal cords. Finally a regular pattern building toward that explosion of bliss. These are the sounds that meditation chants are meant to recreate; these are the Aphrodite mantras.

Music of Ecstasy

Gasping and grasping heaven

A duet of hearts

The satyr (because he was hairy) used to play a game I called "How do I love thee". He was a slow and deliberate lover; it was wonderful. Now and again he would stop in the middle of a leisurely session and bend his mouth close to my ear and whisper "I love ...". It always started with "I love..." Sometimes it was a simple "I love the way your hair looks in the rain". Sometimes it was more involved "I love the way you hold on to me when we kiss. The way your arm wraps around my back and you touch my neck. It's so sexy." Then there would be another measured, calibrated thrust or two. And I would answer back "I love your laugh" and squeeze around him. Then he would say another thing he loved, "I love the way your eyes don't match." Cuddle, cuddle. This would last until one or the other of us could not hold out any longer. I never knew whether abandoning the game for the sexual climax was winning or losing; it seemed to be more like a win/win situation. Sometimes it was a matter of pushing the other person towards orgasm. Other times it was a poetry contest with ever more elaborate chains. Once it was an attempt to match rhythm with our bodies. It was certainly fun in all of those ways. Alas, neither of us ever said, "I love you".

I have absolutely no preference between being circumcised or not. Circumcision began as an adult ritual. Men cut off their foreskin and laid in on the altar of Isis. Now, that's devotion. Whew! At some point in my child bearing year the medical community was trying to connect increased incidence of various female cancers with circumcision of the husband. I don't know what they found out. I just had to answer some fairly strange questions during prenatal visits. Isis also presides over health and hygiene.

Techniques From Always Surrender by Christine Smith

Quote of the Week: The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. --Mark Russell. ~~Good-bye, Mark, and thanks for all the jokes.

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: If Sudafed put a rainbow on their boxes maybe Kid Rock fans can finally get themselves clean. --Submitted by 98%

Today's Peace of History, April 14, 1947: Segregation of Mexican-American children, common in California at the time, was declared unconstitutional by the Federal Appeals Court for the Ninth Circuit. The suit had been brought against several school districts in Orange County by Gonzalo Méndez and several World War II veterans. Separate schools for those of Mexican parentage were struck down in Méndez et al. v. Westminster School District.

I got a flue shot and now my chimney works perfectly. / I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

..........Then it's gotta be right...........The Marcels …..Honestly Sincere

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle April 14, 2023, wild and crazy ePistle Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. Lawrence, KS.

Moonbeam: Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do. --Jean-Paul Sartre

Cost of War:

• As of 04/13/23 State Department War Costs since 2001: $204,446,361,537.
• As of 04/06/23 State Department War Costs since 2001: $203,916,585,078
• As of 04/13/23 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,130,143,410,813.
• As of 04/06/23 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,128,663,748,876.
• As of 04/13/23 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,133,777,011,305.
• As of 04/06/23 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,133,202,609,684.
• As of 04/13/23 Veterans Care since 2001: $2,992,038,437,277.
• As of 04/06/23 Veterans Care since 2001: $2,980,823,147,017.
• As of 04/13/23 Military Costs since 2001: $3,017,757,168,420.
• As of 04/06/23 Military Costs since 2001: $3,016,633,835,831.
• As of 04/13/23 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $8,178,165,414,157.
• As of 04/06/23 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $8,463,242,426,950.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

We are afraid of ideas, of experimenting, of change. We shrink from thinking a problem through to a logical conclusion. --Anne Sullivan

Famous Last Words: She looked up and across the barn, and her lips came together and smiled mysteriously. --John Steinbeck Grapes of Wrath

..........I'm gonna miss you so.........Ann-Margaret …..Bye Bye Birdy

Or is it that I think too much? / Well, excuuuuuuse me!

May Peace till your garden

And Joy plant your flowers

prairie mama

christine

Last Laugh: