Famous First Words: Through the fence, between the curling flower spaces... --William Faulkner The Sound and the Fury
Welcome to National Dog Week (20-26)! Paws what you're doing and check out these jokes. / Sure, go to work. Your stuff is perfectly safe with me. / My Puck is so lazy he only chases parked cars.
..........never, never, never, never, never gonna part..........Monotones …..Book Of Love (1958)
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. --Amendment I
It is a beautiful Friday morning. This morning monologue has to change. It is nearly 9 am and I am just out of bed. The morning is not new and fresh, I am transitioning from a morning person to a night person. The world already sounds of car motors and smells of gasoline before I walk into it. The air has warmed up (68°F) and the grass has evaporated its dew. An azure sky is devoid of clouds; foliage is still green without a single fall color visible out my back window. I fix my cup of sweetened, creamed decaf. Puck in a great show of energy arranges a bath towel that has fallen off the bed. He scrapes and pushes until it appears to be a wholly uncomfortable wad and then he settles onto it for a morning nap. On my last look out the window, a monarch flutters by on its way south.
Hope this is the weekend you actually catch that squirrel. ePistliers
First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I gotta say, R.E.M. gave me unrealistic expectations about how good I'd feel at the end of the world. --Submitted by amb of ks
Don't patronize me, throw the ball. / You mean to say there is no treat; do you want to use that hand again? / Puck is so dumb he shops at flea markets.
Updated Quotes: Better to wear a mask and be thought a fool, than to remove your mask and remove all doubt. --Mark Twain (probably)
..........Telling me just what a fool I've been.........Cascades …..Rhythm of the Rain (1962)
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed. --Amendment II
2014: Didn't jog
Trivia Questions: Happy Birthday to Yosemite National Park!
^ Any idea how big the park is?
^^ Care to guess how many species Yosemite supports?
^^^ The park is home to one of the world's tallest waterfalls. Know which one?
^^^^ What do you know about Yosemite's night time rainbows?
^^^^^ Care to guess how many visitors Yosemite hosts annually?
Big Hello: Bunâ dzuâ – Aromanian (Eastern Europe) https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm
Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Life Hack #71: When giving advice always add “But what the hell do I know” so you don't feel bad if you ruin someone's life. --Submitted by INRITH
Fake Library Statistic of the Week: Average librarian’s favorite part of pub trivia: 50% trivia, 50% pub https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts
What do you mean, this is your bed? / I don't always sleep on the bed, but when I do, I take up as much room as possible. / Puck crossed the street to get to the barking lot.
Updated Quotes: Ask not what your mask can do for you, ask what your mask can do for your country. --JFK (Mostly)
..........Love is but a song to sing..........Youngbloods …..Get Together (1969)
No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law. --Amendment III
2015: Didn't jog
Third Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: A loan at a bank can take 30 years to pay off. If you rob a bank, you're out in 10 years. Follow me for more financial advice. --Submitted by llr of ks
Moonbeam: A painting is not a picture of an experience, but is the experience. --Mark Rothko
Naturally Occurring Mandala of the Week: Crab Grass
Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: "A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed." --Submitted by jd of ks
Week of the Week: National Indoor Plant Week (20-26) –Flowers recharge at a power plant. / My calculator plant has square roots. / In theory I would like a lot of plants but realistically I'm doing a poor job of keeping myself alive so just think of what those poor plants would have to experience.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I'll be watching you. / I don't always sneeze directly into your face, but when I don, I make sure you're yawning. / Puck went to a flea circus and stole the show.
..........Go to the place that's the best.........Norman Greenbaum …..Spirit In The Sky (1970)
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized. --Amendment IV
2016: Didn't jog
^ Yosemite National Park covers 1,190 square miles which is 748,436 acres.
Almanac: It is Friday, September 25, 2020. The moon was first quarter yesterday and is in Capricorn. It is World Maritime Day (IMO), Bright Pink Lipstick Day, Math Story Telling Day, National One-Hit Wonder Day, National Psychotherapy Day, Pacific Ocean Day (1513), Vegan Baking Day, World Ataxia Awareness Day, World Pharmacists Day, and Hug a Vegetarian Day. Because it is the last Friday it is Save the Koala Day and because it is the fourth Friday it is American Indian Day.
Among those born on this day were Olaus Rimer (1644), Nicholas-Joseph Cugnot (1725), May Bundy (1887), William Faulkner (1897), Mark Rothko (1903), Red Green (1905), Phil Rizzuto (1918), Aldo Ray (1926), John S. Bull (1934), Bob McAdoo (1951), Christopher Reeve (1952), Heather Locklear (1961). Will Smith (1965), T.I. (Clifford Joseph Harris, JR. 1980), Lil Jay (Jeff McGraw, 1989), and Ryan Beatty (1996).
On September twenty-fifth Balboa became the first European to see the Pacific Ocean (1513), the first press in the new world began printing (1639), Publick Occurrences became the first newspaper in the new world (Boston, 1690), the US Secretary of the Navy authorized the enlistment of slaves (1861), Congress proposed the Bill of (12) Rights (1789), the first doubleheader was played (1882), Yosemite National Park was established (1890), ground breaking for Fenway Park began (1811), president Wilson collapsed (1919), Lou Gehrig played in this 1500th consecutive game (1934), the first transatlantic telephone cable went into operation (1956), Liston KOed Patterson in the first (1962), the Beatles cartoon debuted in the US (1965), and Sandra Day O'Connor was sworn in as the first female supreme court justice (1981).
Night Sky, 9/25: Now it's Saturn's turn to pair with the Moon, while Jupiter shines to their right. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/
Max Picture of the Week: Max and Mom at water's edge.
This Week: Saturday, September 26 – Fish Amnesty Day & Johnny Appleseed Day & R.E.A.D. In America Day
Sunday, September 27 – Ancestor Appreciation Day & Gold Star Mother's Day & Yom Kippur
Night Sky, 9/27: Mercury is having a very low, poor apparition deep in the sunset. At least it's fairly bright at magnitude –0.1 this week, so go ahead and try. Bring binoculars at least. About 15 minutes after sunset while twilight is still bright, start scanning for it just above the west-southwest horizon. This week Mars rises in the east in late twilight, shining bright orange at magnitude –2.3, almost Jupiter-bright.
Monday, September 28 – Family Day & National Good Neighbor Day & Fish Tank Floorshow Night
Tuesday, September 29 – International Coffee Day & Michaelmas & VFW Day
Wednesday, September 30 – Ask A Stupid Question Day & National Love People Day
Night Sky, 9/30: Uranus (magnitude 5.7, in Aries) is fairly well up in the east by 10 or 11 p.m. daylight-saving time, about 12° east of Mars. Neptune (magnitude 7.8, in Aquarius) is higher in the south-southeast at that time. It was at opposition on September 11th. Finder charts for Uranus and Neptune.
Thursday, October 1 - International Music Day & National Hair Day
I wanted to see lots of animals so I went to the zoo, but they only had one small dog. It was s Shitsu. / A dog walks into a job center and asks for an application. The clerk says, “Wow, a talking dog, with your talent I'm sure we can find you a gig in the circus”. “The circus?, the dog says, “What does a circus need with a plumber?” / I keep confusing Puck and my phone. They both have collar ID.
..........We had joy, we had fun..........Terry Jacks …..Seasons in the Sun (1974)
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation. --Amendment V
2017: Didn't jog
^^ The park’s diverse landscape supports more than 400 species. While at Yosemite, look all around and you might spy one of the park’s many amphibians, reptiles, birds and mammals looking back. One such animal is the rare Sierra Nevada red fox, which was spotted for the first time in nearly 100 years on a wildlife cam, roaming the high elevations of California’s Sierra Nevada.
'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: CBD toilet paper so you can calm your ass down. --Submitted by ms of mo
Moonbeam: I'll take any way to get into the Hall of Fame. If they want a batboy, I'll go in as a batboy. --Phil Rizzuto
Neice of 'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...I really need to wash some mugs. --Submitted by INRITH
Late Night Snacks of the Week: My site only lists late night political jokes and I'm tired of how mean everyone is to everyone else so I took these jokes from September of the last election year, 2016 New data finds that more Americans are bringing their own lunch to work every day. As evidenced by the inside of your break room microwave that looks like a triple homicide just took place. --Jimmy Fallon 9/23/16 / Media experts say Monday night’s presidential debate will have a Super Bowl-sized TV audience. Of course, the Super Bowl audience drinks for fun, but Monday’s debate audience will be drinking out of sheer terror. --Conan O'Brien 9/22/16 / And neither Sexy Trump nor Sexy Clinton is half as disturbing as Sexy Bernie Sanders. He distributes the candy evenly throughout the neighborhood. --Jimmy Kimmel 9/22/16 / Amazon in Japan is now offering a priest delivery service for Buddhists who don’t have a local temple. The box may look empty when it arrives, but after you gaze into it you realize the priest was inside you all along. --Seth Meyers 9/22/16
Ollie's Very Own Picture of the Week: Ollie laughing at Max's stand-up comedy
Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: There might be life on Venus. Don't get excited. They're not coming to save us, and you can't move there. For many years, scientists assumed that there couldn't be life on Venus because it is smothered with incredibly hot gas like Tampa in August, and you know there's nothing happening there. But this week, they announced the discovery of a certain chemical, phosphine, which is only produced on Earth by living organisms. In fact, it's a primary ingredient in penguin poop. So there's only one...logical explanation, according to science - space penguins. This explains why the penguins here on Earth don't fly. They have spaceships for that. --Peter Sagal Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me 9/19/20
One day Jane said to me, “I know of a dog worth $10,000.” Crap, Puck has never saved a dime. / Judy crossed a dog and a lion. I'm not sure what the pup is, but Judy doesn't get mail at all anymore.
..........Playin' in a rock and roll band..........Wild Cherry …..Play That Funky Music
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defense. --Amendment VI
2018: Didn't jog
^^^ At 2,425 feet, Yosemite Falls is one of tallest on the planet, but did you know, it’s actually made up of three separate falls? Upper Yosemite Fall, the middle cascades and Lower Yosemite.
Preantepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Help! I've fallen and I can't think of a reason to get up. -Bizarro.com --Submitted by ss of mo
Worthless Fact of the Week: Before the 17th century, science and scientists weren’t recognized as, well, scientists. They were actually called ‘’natural philosophers’’, because the concept of scientist wasn’t invented yet. This post is sponsored by the Association of Flat-earthers and antivaxxers. https://letsgetsciencey.com/weird-science-facts/
Wicked Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer. --Scott Stratten --Submitted by the Neosho County Democrats
Weird Word of the Week: Jumentous – resembling horse's urine https://www.lexico.com/explore/weird-and-wonderful-words
Wacky Uses for Common Products: Store game pieces. Never lose dice, cards, playing pieces, or small toys again.
Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Thank you, Lord! As the world gets crazier the nuts get easier to find. --Rocket J Squirrel --Submitted by bc of tx
Joe crossed his dog Fifi with an egg, but all the puppies came out pooched. / I tried to teach Puck ballroom dancing, but he has two left feet.
...........Oh, oh, oh tell me why..........The Boomtown Rats …..I Don't Like Mondays (1979)
In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law. --Amendment VII
2019: Didn't jog
^^^^ Yosemite is world-famous for its waterfalls and the rainbows that can appear in them. But very few people know about the park’s lunar rainbows or moonbows. In the spring and early summer if the sky is clear and the moon is full, it can produce enough light to create a rainbow from a waterfall’s mist. It’s pure magic.
Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: My mate has just seen the Chernobyl documentary. He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980s and was able to count at least 8 historical inaccuracies on one hand. --Submitted by FNOG
Science Fiction Joke of the Week: A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. --Douglas Adams
Actual Science Joke of the Week: Science is the belief in the ignorance of experts. --Richard Feynman
Mild Mannered Curse of the Week: May you always step in a wet spot after putting on fresh socks.
A fire engine drove down the street and three little boys watched it go by. It had a Dalmatian dog sitting on the back ledge. The first boy speculated that the dog is for crowd control once they get to the fire. The second said, “No, he's the mascot”. The third boy shook his head and said, “No, he finds fire hydrants.” / Puck has a really cold nose. When he walks into a room, all the other dogs sit down.
..........Just like Bogie and Bacall.........Bertie Higgins …..Key Largo (1981)
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted. --Amendment VIII
2020: Still didn't jog ...This is a running joke --Submitted by FNOG
^^^^^ In 2019, Yosemite National Park saw nearly four and a half million visitors during the year. In 2016, the park saw its largest volume of visitors accounting for about 5.03 million.
Month of the Week: September is Wild Rice Month --How do you tame wild rice? With very small saddles. / A murder-for-hire occurred in a wild rice field. The assassin used small china ornaments as the weapon. It was a knick-knack paddy whack.
Recreating Famous Painting With Anything You Can Find of the Week:
https://www.boredpanda.com/art-recreation-at-home-museum-challenge/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic
Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I used to be cool...now I'm just my dog's snack dealer. --Submitted by INRITH
Today's Peace of History, September 25, 1981: Sandra Day O'Connor was sworn in as the first female supreme court justice.
Sub-final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Hard to believe but we've been in lockdown for almost an entire Grateful Dead song. --Submitted by INRITH
Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.” “I know,” says the second owner. “How do you know?” the first demands. “My dog told me.” / I asked the vet why Puck spends so much time running in circles. The vet said running in squares is too hard.
..........Did you make mankind after we made you..........XTC …..Dear God (1986)
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people. --Amendment IX
Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle, September 25, 2020, Gregarious ePistle. Concord, Comedy, and Canines. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047
Moonbeam: Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you, and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too. --Will Smith
Cost of War:
As of 9/24/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,064,452,875,618.
As of 9/17/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,062,456,526,846.
As of 9/24/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $991,948,961,462.
As of 9/17/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $990,591,735,376.
As of 9/24/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $796,678,375,698.
As of 9/17/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $794,972,367,546.
As of 9/24/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $336,699,661,864.
As of 9/17/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $336,311,872,752.
As of 9/24/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,189,779,812,533.
As of 9/17/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,184,333,338,953.
https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people. --Amendment X
Famous Last Words: Keep your stick on the ice. --Red Green
..........Muéstrame el camino que yo voy..........Luis Fonsi ft Daddy Yankee …..Despacito (2017) In honor of One Hit Wonder Day
Bob lost his dog and so he put an ad in the paper. It didn't do any good, because his dog can't read. / Daphne crossed her dog with a rose. She got a litter of collie flowers.
May Peace inform your bark
And Joy infuse your bite
prairie mama
christine
Last Laugh:
