Faulty ePistle

Famous First Words: There is nothing wrong with your television set. --Outer Limits introduction

Because it is the first Friday the 13^th of 2019, it is Blame Someone Else Day. I blame Mother Earth for all these earthquakes. It always her fault. --Steve Ensley / There is no argument that video gaming is an extremely effective training tool. These young minds will be indoctrinated to homosexual relationships as normal lifestyles with homosexual characters being portrayed as heroes in warfare and in romantic situations. / We're not getting the job done; and I'm not going to blame myself. I'll be honest: They are not getting the job done. --Donald Drumpf

..........But it really doesn't matter........Mel Torme …..Isn't It A Lovely Day

Every human being, of whatever origin, of whatever station, deserves respect. We must each respect others even as we respect ourselves. --U Thant

It is a moist Friday morning. Dew covers everything and 63°F is perfect for walking. The world is green and smells of foliage and damp cement. The sky is a beautiful blue scattered with clouds and jet trails not moving across the sky. Even the willow branches are still. Puck avoids the wet grass and trots first on the sidewalk and then in the street sniffing every object in his path. He barks up the tree across the street even though there is no evidence of squirrels and he barks at a noise he hears but cannot locate. Birds are out in flocks; small ones are busy discussing the morning and large ones are flying silently high overhead. Puck stops to drink from the puddle made where a driveway meets the street and then walk on. Ah, but this is a dead end road and eventually we find ourselves at our own driveway...journeys often end where they began, I guess. And now I sit with sweetened decaf and sweetened bread and I get to write to you. What a lucky Friday the 13^th.

Hope yours is the luckiest weekend this year, ePistliers.

When your ass is to blame...asphalt.

..........love those sprayed on trousers.........Nell Carter …..White Boys

Trivia Questions: A big Happy Birthday to Hadrian's Wall !!

^ Know where it is?

^^ About who build it or when?

^^^ Besides wall, what else was built there?

^^^^ What international honor does the wall enjoy?

^^^^^ Lengthwise how does Hadrian's Wall compare to other famous/infamous walls?

Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Everybody's been talking about your paranoia.

Funniest Thing I Read of the Week²: I'm not sure where you learned to whisper, but I 'm guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by chainsaws. --Submitted by cmr of ks

Fake Library Statistic of the Week: Administrators decide a new librarian's starting salary by squaring their most recent bowling score. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

I blame my weight gain on my roommate. Every time it's his turn to cook, I eat out. / Mental illness and hatred pulls the trigger, not the gun. --Donald Drumpf

..........Hey, everybody, let's have some fun.........Ray Charles …..Let The Good Time Roll

Moonbeam: Havana, Cuba, in which city yellow fever had not failed to make its yearly appearance during the past one hundred and forty years... Havana was freed from yellow fever within ninety days. --Walter Reed

Naturally Occurring Mandala of the Week: Hurricane as seen from orbit

Big Hello: Tālofa – Tokelauan (Polynesia & New Zealand) https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I have multiple favorite songs and I love them equally because I'm polyjamorous. --Submitted by ar of ks

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week²: Adderall – Meth but for children

Week of the Week: International Housekeepers Week (8-14) --Prince's housekeeper of 20 years was offered a job as a crime scene investigator because of experience dusting for prince. / A silicon valley millionaire woke up in the morning and found that her Mexican housekeepers were gone. She asked her gardener where they went. Sven replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage. The millionaire became furious. "Damned Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

My dad didn't love me as a child, but I don't really blame him. I wasn't born until he was an adult. / Gay people exist because pregnant women have anal sex in a shocking statement. --Bishop Neophytos Masouras of Morphou

..........You're much sweeter, goodness knows.........Nell Carter …..Honeysuckle Rose

^ This is the “answer” to where is it: The original structure stretched more than 70 miles across the northern English countryside from the River Tyne near the city of Newcastle and the North Sea, west to the Irish Sea. However, a little research came up with about 100 miles southeast of Edinburgh.

Almanac: It is Friday, September 13, 2019. The moon will be full (Harvest) just before midnight tonight and is in Pisces. It is Defy Superstition Day, Blame Someone Else Day, International Chocolate Day, Kids Take Over the Kitchen Day, National Celiac Awareness Day, National Peanut Day, Roald Dahl Day, and Stand Up to Cancer Day. In Pennsylvania it is John Barry Day (1803). Rhodesia celebrates Pioneer Day (1923) and worldwide it is Dante Alighieri Day. Because it is the second Friday is it also Fisherman's Walk Day in Scotland.

Among those born on this day were Grigory Potemkin (1739), Walter Reed (1851), John J. Pershing (1860), Sherwood Anderson (1876), Roald Dahl (1916), Ray Charles (1918), Mel Torme (1925), Barbara Bain (1931), Judith Martin (1938), Jacqueline Bisset (1944), and Nell Carter (1948).

On September thirteenth work began on Hadrian's Wall (122), New York City became the capital of the nation (1788), Margaret Chase Smith became the first woman to serve in both houses of Congress (1948), the LPGA formed (1949), The Outer Limits premiered (1963), and for the first time Today was broadcast totally in color (1965).

Night Sky, 9/13: The Moon rises in the east shortly after sunset for North America, a lovely sight as twilight descends. After dark, look upper left of the Moon for the Great Square of Pegasus balancing on one corner (outside the frame above). The Square is made of 2nd- and 3rd-magnitude stars. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Max Picture of the Week: Max celebrates making it through year one.

This Week: Saturday, September 14 – National Hollerin' Day & National Iguana Awareness Day

Sunday, September 15 – Greenpeace Day & International Day of Democracy & Tackle Kids Cancer Day

Night Sky, 9/15: Arcturus, the "Spring Star," shines a little lower in the west after dark each week. From Arcturus, the narrow kite-shaped pattern of Bootes extends 24° to the upper right.

Monday, September 16 – National Tattoo Story Day & Step Family Day & National Guacamole Day

Tuesday, September 17 – Citizenship Day & National Professional House Cleaners Day

Night Sky, 9/15: Mercury,Venus, and Mars are out of sight behind the glare of the Sun.

Wednesday, September 18 – National Respect Day & Hug A Greeting Card Writer Day

Thursday, September 19 – National Ask An Atheist Day & Talk Like A Pirate Day & National PawPaw Day**

**Lawrence has ripe PawPaw at the Lawrence Community Orchard, 800 Garfield St, 66044. And here is a YouTube of Picking Up PawPaws – a song our mother sang frequently and loudly. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnpLS5PNZpw

How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they prefer to sit in the dark and blame liberals. / Fake News has contributed greatly to the anger and rage that has built up over many years. --Donald Dumpf

..........Somewhere there's music, it's where you are..........Mel Torme ….How High The Moon

^^ Hadrian’s Wall is the remains of stone fortifications built by the Roman Empire following its conquest of Britain in the second century CE. Hadrian came to power in 117 CE.

'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I googled my symptoms turned out I just need “a new president”. --Submitted by pj of ks

'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week²: The First Rule of Passive Aggressive Club is...you know what, never mind. It's fine. --Submitted by am of va

Moonbeam: We shall remain American and go into battle with Old Glory over our heads. I will not parcel out American boys. --John J Pershing

Late Night Snacks of the Week: Filibuster: There is nothing about a 60-vote threshold for legislation in the constitution, nothing about it in the Federalist Papers, nothing in Jefferson’s private letters, and nothing skillfully rapped by Alexander Hamilton to the delight of everyone within earshot. The first filibuster wasn’t used until 1837, and therefore it was categorically not part of the founders’ original vision. It’s like claiming the day Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he also sent the first dick pic. --John Oliver / Meanwhile, Drumpf has been taking heat for charges of corruption, since Pence and members of the US military have recently stayed at Drumpf properties in Europe. People say that as commander-in-chief, Drumpf is self-dealing to his own businesses. Drumpf’s defense: “Yeah, but I’m rich.” --Stephen Colbert / It’s another Monday in the Drumpf era, which means we all awoke to another fever dream of cruelty, stupidity and corruption. In the past few days, the president has: launched a “deranged” attack on John Legend and Chrissy Teigen on Twitter, come under House investigation for the military’s use of Drumpf property in Scotland, announced and scrapped a secret meeting with the Taliban at Camp David that upended months of peace talks, and mocked the former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford for once having an Argentinian mistress. Or, as Drumpf phrased it on Twitter, Sanford “was found in Argentina with his Flaming Dancer friend”. Now we think he meant to type Flamingo Dancer, which also would have been wrong, because it’s Flamenco Dancer, which also would’ve been wrong, because there’s no evidence that Sanford’s former mistress had ever been a flamenco dancer. It’s like a seven-layer dip of presidential insanity. --Seth Meyers / The prospects for the Amazon seem dire – a situation calling for an unlikely hero: Donald Drumpf. We need to get the president to pull out that magic Sharpie of his, and we need to get him to send that hurricane down from Alabama all the way to Brazil to fan out the flames. Come on, Mr Drumpf, use your power for good! --Trevor Noah

Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: I'm Tom Papa, and I'm filling in for Peter Segal, who is currently volunteering with storm cleanup in Alabama. Have you ever smoked weed and thought, am I doing this right? Am I being polite? Am I peeing my pants, and do all my friends hate me? Well, pick up the new marijuana manners handbook called "Higher Etiquette." It covers how to behave in dispensaries, how to label the weed you provide for guests and when to use your salad joint and when to use your dessert joint. --Tom Papa Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me 9/7

Wars being in the minds of men, and in those minds, love and compassion would have built the defenses of peace. --U Thant

I'm terrified of bats, but I blame my childhood for that. My dad often took a swing at me. / To err is human. To blame someone else is politics. --Hubert H Humphrey

..........We all must do our share.........Nell Carter …..Cash For Your Trash

^^^ Historians believe the original plan was to build a wall of stone or turf, fronted by a wide, deep ditch. It would feature a guarded gate every mile, with two observation towers in between each gate. Ultimately, 14 forts were added to the wall, and were augmented by an “earthwork” known as the Vallum to the south. It is essentially a large mound designed to serve as another defensive bulwark. Of all of these structures, only a portion of the original wall and the Vallum remain.

Worthless Fact of the Week: The LPGA was founded by a group of 13 golfers: Alice Bauer, Patty Berg, Bettye Danoff, Helen Dettweiler, Marlene Bauer Hagge, Helen Hicks, Opal Hill, Betty Jameson, Sally Sessions, Marilynn Smith, Shirley Spork, Louise Suggs, and Babe Zaharias.

Wicked Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I'm not used to consuming wine in pill form.

Wicked Funniest Thing I Read of the Week²: I have to admit that I did not have “secretly invite the Taliban to Camp David 3 days before 9/11” on my Donald Trump Batshittery Bingo Card. --Jeff Teidrich

Weird Word of the Week: Honorificabilitudinitatibus “We are in the arena of sesquipedalian words — those a foot and a half long, whose prime characteristic is their length rather than their sense or value. Honorificabilitudinitatibus may be rendered more succinctly as “of honour”. Any word used by James Joyce (in Ulysses) and William Shakespeare (in Love’s Labour Lost) can’t be entirely dismissed from the canon of English. http://www.worldwidewords.org/weirdwords/ww-hon1.htm

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Break in a new baseball mitt. Rub a few drops of Wesson Vegetable Oil into the palm of the glove, place a baseball in the glove, fold the mitt around it, and secure with rubber bands. Tuck the mitt under a mattress and leave overnight. http://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/wesson.html

It's true that only a bad chef blames his tools, but you try filleting a fish with a spoon. / Now let's hear from Legal Revision, who will explain how the results of my decisions aren't my fault. --Wiley Miller

...........I never saw rainbows in my wine.........Mel Torme …..I'm Beginning To See The Light

^^^^ Hadrian's Wall is a UNESCO World Heritage Site. It is a striking example of the organisation of a military zone and illustrates the defensive techniques and geopolitical strategies of ancient Rome. Now, it's part of a much larger and more ambitious Site: the Frontiers of the Roman Empire (FRE), a ‘transnational’ Site: the result of the German Limes being added in 2005, and the Antonine Wall (between the Forth and the Clyde, in Scotland) in 2008.

Capitalist Meme of the Week: Nestle: Turns Water Into Capitalism.

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Grant me the courage to change the things I can, and a Sharpie to change the rest. --Submitted by ma of va

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week²:

Science Fiction Convention of the Week: ScareFest Horror & Paranormal Con (12-15, Lexington, KY) Axes, Brews and Booze with the stars https://thescarefest.com/

Actual Science Convention of the Week: 10^th Euro-Mediterranean Symposium of Laser=Induced Breakdown Spectroscopy (8-13, Brno, Czech Republic) promising technique for analysis and characterization of the composition of a broad variety of objects of cultural heritage including painted artworks, icons, polychromes, pottery, sculpture, and metal, glass, and stone artifacts. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00216-006-0908-1

Puck the Brave Episode of the Week: Here's our fearless Puck charming the socks off a client in the case of the tedious tabby

As a mom, it breaks my heart to see how quickly my children blame someone else. They get it from their father. / Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face. --Gen J D Ripper

..........I'm happy on the shelf........Nell Carter …..Ain't Misbehavin'

^^^^^ Great Wall of China - 13,170 miles / Donald's Taj MaWall – 1,969 / Berlin Wall - 124 miles / Great Wall of Gorgon - 121 miles / Hadrian's Wall - 70-80 miles

Month of the Week: September is International Square Dancing Month -Hipsters hate Square dancing. / How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb? * - Square dancers do everything in groups of 8.

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie. --Submitted by msh of bc

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week^-1: There are almost 5,000 gods being worshiped by humanity. But don't worry, only yours is right. --Submitted by sb of ar

Grammar Joke of the Week: A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

Today's Peace of History, September 13, 1982: The European Parliament voted to phase out promotion and advertising of war toys throughout the 25 countries of the European Union (formerly European Economic Community).

I blame gravity for my low grades in school; it was always pulling me down. / You can't blames things for being dark if the light bulbs aren't working. --Tony Evans

..........I wanna happy ending.........Nell Carter …..Gimme A Break

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle September 13, 2019, Faulty ePistle. Laughs, Love, and a clear conscience. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047

Moonbeam: I am a lover and have not found my thing to love. --Sherwood Anderson

Cost of War: As of 9/13/19 Military Costs of War since 2001: $2,958,036,064,960.

As of 9/06/19 Military Costs of War since 2001: $2,956,048,895,515.

As of 9/13/19 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $919,626,375,431.

As of 9/06/19 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $918,276,067,458.

As of 9/13/19 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $705,758,786,899.

As of 9/06/19 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $704,061,445,914.

As of 9/13/19 Veterans Care since 2001: $316,036,066,043.

As of 9/06/19 Veterans Care since 2001: $315,650,352,411.

As of 9/13/19 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $4,899,458,089,717.

As of 9/06/19 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $4,894,037,751,400.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

The war we have to wage today has only one goal and that is to make the world safe for diversity. --U Thant

..........It's all over now......... Ray Charles …..I'm Movin' On

Blaming all stringrays for Steve Irwin's death is a clear example of Ray-cism. / I don't believe Hurricane Harvey is God's punishment for Houston electing a lesbian mayor. But that is more credible than 'climate change' --Ann Coulter

Famous Last Words: Those who don't believe in magic will never find it. --Roald Dahl Minpins

May Peace soak up your guilt

And Joy blot out your fault

prairie mama

christine

Last Laugh: