Famous
First Words:
The
Commissioners of Henry King of France, and Elizabeth Queen of England
–Treaty
of Cateau-Cambrésis
April
is Holy Humor Month: A
Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of
coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like
what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon"
/ So
I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my
harpoon.
..........but
no one ever wrote a tune for godless existentialism..........Steve
Martin & Steep Canyon Rangers …..Atheists Don't Have No Songs
“It
is no longer a choice between violence and nonviolence in this world;
it's nonviolence or nonexistence.”
--Martin Luther King Jr
It
is a cold rainy Friday morning. The sky is slate gray and cries at
the slightest provocation. My windshield froze into a beautiful
opaque pattern as soon as I turned on the wipers. Dillons had toilet
paper – which I didn't need and didn't buy-- but no kleenex.
Spring is making the world so beautiful. The willow tree that I see
out the window in my computer room is green and festive and waving
lazily in the breezes. Lawns are green with tiny purple flowers
edged by bunches of golden jonquils and spattered with yellow
dandelions. Today the world smells of rain and damp soil and wet
pavement and dripping hair and moist clothes. But now that we are
home the house smells of coffee and breakfast and comfort. Outside
it sounds like rain on puddles and inside it sounds like rain on the
roof. But whatever the state or sound of the world, I still get to
sit here and write to you. That's a pretty good day.
May
your weekend be blessed beyond measure, ePistlers
First
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Maybe we should announce a
bailout of the airlines and then keep delaying it until finally we
cancel and give them hotel vouchers. --Ryan Calo --Submitted by gr
of oh
Muslims
do not recognize Jews as the chosen people. Jews
do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. Protestants do not recognize
the Pope as the head of the Church. Baptists do not recognize each
other in the liquor store.
..........the
things that you're liable to read in the Bible.........Sportin' Life
(Sammy Davis Jr) …..It Ain't Necessarily So
Trivia
Questions: Happy Birthday, Pony Express
^
Any idea what the weight requirements were for Express riders?
^^
Each rider took a pledge called a Loyalty Oath; what did he swear to?
^^^
About how much did an Express rider earn?
^^^^
Who were the primary users of the Pony Express?
^^^^^
And, of course, the All American question: How much money did the
Express make?
Big
Hello: Ę n lę – Yoruba (Nigeria,
Benin, Togo)
https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm
Second
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: This
new translation of the Bible where Jesus throws the elderly to a
plague by Easter to save the money changers seems to be missing the
spirit of the original text. --Submitted by jm of ks
Fake
Library Statistic of the Week:
20%
of librarians just found out 'World War Z' is not about the Library
Science section of the LC classification system
https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts
A
well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar
bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved
along the conveyor belt, they struck up a conversation. The twenty
dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've
had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've
been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New
York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an
exciting life!" "So, tell me," says the twenty, "where
have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill
replies, "Oh, I've been to a Methodist Church, a Baptist Church,
a Lutheran Church." The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's
a church?"
..........If
you let those TV preachers make a monkey out of you..........Frank
Zappa …..Jesus Thinks You're A Jerk
Moonbeam:
Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and
soften and purify the heart. --Washington Irving
Naturally
Occurring Mandala of the Week: Jonquil
Next
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week:
Please do not gather in large groups unless you have enough people to
overthrow the government. --Submitted by gb of ks
Week
of the Week: Laugh At Work Day (1-7)
--If
you put away the clean laundry on the same day that you wash it, I
feel like that’s what you should lead with on your resume / My
brother worked as a tax auditor for a provincial government. He was
dispatched to perform an audit at a nudist colony, but he didn’t
uncover anything.
Sam
goes into Macy's, to the lingerie department, and he says to the
salesgirl, "My wife has sent me in for a Jewish bra, size 34B,
and she said that you'd know what I meant." The saleslady says,
"Boy, it's been a long time since anybody's asked me for a
Jewish bra. They usually ask me for a Catholic bra or a Salvation
Army bra or a Presbyterian bra." He says, "Well, what's the
difference?" She says, "The Catholic bra supports the
masses, the Salvation Army bra uplifts the downfallen, and the
Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright." He goes,
"Well, then what's a Jewish bra?" "Oh, a Jewish bra
makes mountains out of molehills."
..........when
it's a moment too late.........Jenny Lewis …..Born Secular
^
Since speed was its main goal, the Pony Express went
to great lengths to keep its horses’ loads as light as possible.
Rather than burly cowboys, most of the riders were small, wiry men
who weighed between 100 and 125 pounds—roughly the same size as a
modern horseracing jockey.
Almanac:
It is Friday, April 3, 2020. The moon was first quarter last
Wednesday and is in Leo. It is Don't Go to Work
Unless It's Fun Day, Find a Rainbow Day aka Share A Rainbow Day, Pony
Express Day, Tweed Day, Weed Out Hate Day, Sow the Seeds of Greatness
Day, and National Walk to Work Day. In Massachusetts it is Student
Government Day and because it is the first Friday it is also Hospital
Admitting Clerks Day.
Among
those born on this day were Henry IV (1367), Giovanni Battista
Massarengo (1569), Antimo Liberati (1617), John Hanson (1715),
Washington Irving (1783), Edward Everett Hale (1822), Boss Tweed
(1823), John Burroughs (1837), Matthew Ricketts (1858), Leslie Howard
(1893), George Jessel (1898), Henry Luce (1898), Sally Rand (1904),
Stan Freeman (1920), Marilyn Maxwell (1921), Doris Day (1924), Marlon
Brando (1924), Jane Goodall (1934), Tony Orlando (1944), Alec Baldwin
(1958), David Hyde Pierce (1959), Eddie Murphy (1961), and Picabo
Street (1971),
On
April third Edward the Confessor was crowned king, the second
Council of Vienna opened (1312), the Treaty of Le Cateau-Cambresis
was signed (1559), Edmund Halley met Johannes Hevelius (Danzig,
1679), the US Coast Guard was created (Revenue Marine Service, 1790),
the Pony Express began (St. Joseph, MO to Sacramento, CA, 1860),
Lenin left Switzerland for Petrograd (1917), Goddard set off his
second liquid-fueled rocket (1926), an airplane flew over Mt. Everest
for the first time (1933), "white primaries" were outlawed
by the Supreme Court (1944), the North Atlantic Treaty pact was
signed (1949), the first atomic powered spacecarft was launched
(SNAP, 1965), Luna 10 orbited the moon (1966), Bobby Fisher was
stripped of his chess title for refusing to defend it (1975), and the
Ogaden Desert accords were signed (Somalia & Ethiopia, 1988).
Night
Sky, 4/3: Venus this evening shines right in
the left edge of the Pleiades! How soon before the end of twilight
can you first begin to see the little cluster? Bring out your
telescope, binoculars, and/or long-focus camera! Of course they're
nowhere near each other, really. Venus this evening is 5.2
light-minutes from us, while the Pleiades are 440 light-years in the
background.
http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/
Max
Picture of the Week:
Chef Max is at it again.
This
Week: Saturday, April 4 –
International Pillow Fight Day & National Love Our Children Day &
Slow Art Day
Sunday,
April 5 – Palm Sunday & Read a Road Map Day &
Geologists Day
Night
Sky,4/5: Castor and Pollux shine together
very high toward the southwest after dark. Pollux, on the left, is
slightly the brighter of these not-really-twins. And it's pale orange
to Castor's white.
Monday,
April 6 - National Student Athlete Day & New Beers Eve &
Tartan Day
Tuesday,
April 7 – International Beaver Day & National Beer Day &
National Homemade Day
Wednesday,
April 8 – Draw A Bird Day & Passover
Night
Sky, 4/8: Draw a line from Castor through
Pollux, follow it farther out by 26° (about 2½ fist-widths at arm's
length), and you're at the dim head of Hydra, the Sea Serpent. In a
dark sky the head of Hydra is a subtle but distinctive grouping,
about the size of your thumb at arm's length. Binoculars show it
easily through light pollution or moonlight. Continue the line
farther by a fist and a half and you hit Alphard, Hydra's orange
heart, glowing at 2nd magnitude.
Thursday,
April 9 – Jumbo Day & Winston Churchill Day & Pesach
How
many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb? Pay me a
$100 and I'll tell you. / None, they emit their own light. / Photons
have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic.
..........where
hope is currency.........Vienna Teng …..The Atheist Christmas
Carol
^^
The loyalty oath read: “I do hereby swear, before
the Great and Living God, that during my engagement, and while an
employee of Russell, Majors and Waddell, I will, under no
circumstances, use profane language, that I will drink no
intoxicating liquors, that I will not quarrel or fight with any other
employee of the firm, and that in every respect I will conduct myself
honestly, be faithful to my duties, and so direct all my acts as to
win the confidence of my employers, so help me God"
'Nother
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week:
I
Gotta Wash My Hands by the Beatles
https://www.facebook.com/placeofrocknrollmetal/videos/2614082115504001/
Moonbeam:
The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never
stops until you stand up to speak in public. --George Jessel
Red
Headed Son of 'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week:
Having some states locked down and some states not locked down is
like having a peeing section in a swimming pool. --Submitted by jg
of ks
Statistic
of the Week: The United States has
2,300,000 prison beds and 934,000 hospital beds.
Late
Night Snacks of the Week: This was always
going to be hard, but it actually didn’t need to be this hard. And
that is why it’s so profoundly disheartening that we’re being led
through this crisis by a man who may be less equipped to deal with
this historical moment than anybody in recorded history. For once,
something has come along that is more toxic and more threatening than
this president, and somehow, he’s got f*cking stage envy. --John
Oliver / Ninety-five years old and still building houses – Jimmy
Carter is the yin to Drumpf’s yang. It’s like he has to do a good
thing for every bad thing Drumpf does, one house at a time. --Seth
Meyers / Restaurants alone could lose $225bn in the next three months
(for scale, “that’s four and a half Michael Bloombergs.)
--Samatha Bee / Meanwhile, as coronavirus tanks the economy, Amazon
has asked the public to donate to a relief fund for its workers.
Yeah, the richest company in the world, owned by the richest man in
the world, is asking us for money. Which, let’s be honest, is some
bullsh*t. Can someone please order Jeff Bezos a conscience? With
Prime, it can arrive within two days. --Trevor Noah
Not
So Late Night Snacks of the Week: Organizers
tried to figure out a way to let the games go forward - you know, for
example, do wrestling on an honor system. If one guy does a really
good move, the other agrees to fall down. The relay races could go
forward...Each runner dropping the baton onto a porch and the next
coming out of the house to get it. And they actually tried to stage
corona-ready events, but it was a disaster when they moved the
parallel bars six feet apart. And the dressage horses were really not
into being ridden by video chat. --Peter Sagal Wait
Wait Don't Tell Me
3/28/20
Let
us develop a kind of dangerous unselfishness. --Martin Luther King
Jr
What
do you call the church cleaning lady? An angel duster. / Heck is
where people go who don't believe in Gosh.
..........there's
always free cheddar in a mousetrap, baby..........Tom Waits …..God's
Away On Business
^^^
Pony Express riders earned $100-$150 per month – a substantial sum
for the time.
Worthless
Fact of the Week: The International Chess
Federation stripped Bobby Fischer of his title and gave it to the
challenger, Anatoly Karpov of the Soviet Union, because the 32 year
old American failed to meet the deadline for formal acceptance of
federation rules for a championship match this year. Mr. Fischer, who
lived In virtual seclusion in South Pasadena, Calif., and who had no
telephone, could not be reached for comment.
Wicked
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Y'all
worried about paying bills, police controlling you, buying food,
getting unemloyment. Just relax. You've only been black for about a
week now. --MajinTaj
Weird
Word of the Week:
Onychophagist – one who bites their nails.
http://www.worldwidewords.org/weirdwords/ww-ony1.htm
Wacky
Uses for Common Products:
Pry apart two bowls or glasses. Dribble a few drops of Wish-Bone
Thousand Island Dressing down the sides, then slip the bowls or
glasses apart. http://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/wishbone.html
Preantepenultimate
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week:
About time we hear from Bill Gates. He's had experience with viruses
since Windows 95.
As
a 7th Day Adventist you find that everyone calls you “the
people that go to church on Saturday”. / When I was a kid I knew a
man who was expelled from the Mennonite church for wearing two toned
shoes. I thought that was pretty funny.
...........internalized
credulity of things that lack evidence.........Tombstone da Deadman
^^^^
The speed of the Pony Express didn’t come cheap. In
its early days the service cost $5 for every half-ounce of mail—the
equivalent of some $130 today. Prices were later reduced to just $1,
but they still remained too high for everyday mail. Instead, the
service was mainly used to deliver newspaper reports, government
dispatches and business documents, most of which were printed on
tissue-thin paper to keep costs (and weight) down.
Antepenultimate
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week:
Police now have the power to split up groups. Maybe start with
Nickelback. --Submitted by nc and mh
Penultimate
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week:
Another woman has come forward accusing Bernie Sanders of trying to
get her free healthcare. --Submitted by mm of mo
Science
Fiction Joke of the Week: Sci Fi
Conventions: How the designer for lady gaga gets his inspiration
Actual
Science Joke of the Week: Social science...It's like normal
science, only more talkative. / Plateaus: the highest form of
flattery.
Puck
the Brave Episode of the Week:
Here's our fearless Puck looking grumpy about sheltering.
How
do you fit 10 Amish men in a WV Beetle? Tell them you 're going to a
livestock suction. / How do we know that Adam and Eve were Mennonite?
Who else would be along in a garden with a naked woman and be tempted
by a piece of fruit.
..........ever
vigilant and patriotic patriarchs.........Roy Zimmerman …..Defenders
of Marriage
^^^^^
Despite its enduring place in Old West legend, the
Pony Express never turned a profit during its year and a half
history. Though hailed in the press for its efficiency and
adventurous spirit, the Pony Express eventually folded in October
1861, having lost as much as $200,000.
Month
of the Week: April is Confederate
History Month --I don't General Lee find war jokes very funny. /
Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome,
awful way to die. Now it's considered kid's stuff.
Final
Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: If
you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can't accidentally touch
your face. --Bill Hazard
Today's
Peace of History, April
3 1968: The Reverend Martin Luther
King, Jr. delivered his "I've been to the mountaintop"
speech in Memphis, TN. King was there to support sanitation workers
striking to protest low wages and poor working conditions. Martin
Luther King, Jr said "...I've seen the Promised Land. I may not
get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a
people, will get to the promised land!" He was assassinated the
next day.
Baptists
refuse to make love standing up lest God look down and think they are
dancing. / How many Baptists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It's a sin to screw anywhere, even in a light bulb.
..........tell
you if you sin's original.........Tom Lehrer …..The Vatican Rag
Masthead
of the Week:
Friday ePistle April 3, 2020, sEraphic ePistle. Online at:
http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/
Laughs, peace, and blasphemy. Exclusive editor: Christine Smith.
2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047
Moonbeam:
I'm not the type to sit on the porch and watch life go by. --Sally
Rand
Cost
of War:
As
of 4/2/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,015,114,956,314.
As
of 3/26/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,013,116,498,580.
As
of 4/2/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $958,417,987,765.
As
of 3/26/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $957,059,701,3459.
As
of 4/2/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $754,525,616,705.
As
of 3/26/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $752,817,832,468.
As
of 4/2/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $327,119,442,947.
As
of 3/26/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $326,731,311,289.
As
of 4/2/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,049,725,922,728.
As
of 3/26/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,055,178,773,417.
I
can remember, I can remember when Negroes were just going around as
Ralph has said, so often, scratching where they didn't itch, and
laughing when they were not tickled. But that day is all over. We
mean business now, and we are determined to gain our rightful place
in God's world. --Martin Luther King Jr Today's
quotes are all from King's I've Been To The Mountaintop speech
delivered 4/3/68 in Memphis.
Famous
Last Words: ...ratifications of all signatory states. North
Atlantic Treaty (1949)
..........from
the faith that you release.........Bad Religion …..Atheist Peace
Don't
join cults; practice safe sects. / Overheard
in an LDS sacrament meeting once "Alright everyone, stand up.
Now move to the left. Move back to the right. Put your finger on your
heart. Thanks, you can sit down. Now if anyone asks you how church
was today you can say you were uplifted, moved, and your heart was
touched."
May
Peace rule your reality
And
Joy manage your mind
prairie
mama
christine
Last
Laugh:
