ePistle of a Feather

 Famous First Words: Pour, oh, pour the pirate sherry... The Pirates of Penzance

The Christmas Bird Count is underway. When bird-watchers find a nest they get so egg-sighted. / A bird-watcher reminisced about her past. “I have many egrets”.

..........take a look at yourself.........Bo Diddley …..Before You Accuse Me

I believe in one thing—that only a life lived for others is a life worth living. --Albert Einstein

It is a cold (31°F), gray Friday morning. The sky is smeared with a cloud layer that prevents the rising sun from making much of an impact on the day. There is no wind to enhance the cold, nor does it seem to threaten rain. It is just a gray December day. Puck is sleeping under my feet and I am sipping Chocolate Hazelnut decaf and typing. Jeff is at work and Dashiell now has the stomach troubles that I have just gotten over. (...over which I have just gotten...Gee, it's fun to be an English major). The local murder of crows is in the backyard discussing their plans and making a great noise with it. It is very quiet in the house; Puck is not even snoring. There is only the furnace humming now and then. I stop and turn my head, the silence is wonderful. But, I digress, I have no place to go this morning, no errands, no appointments. I only have to sit here and write to you. What a small blessing this old year has given me. Hope it does the same for you.

Hope your weekend lasts all year, ePistlers

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: A sinkhole roughly the size of seven washing machines has closed the northbound lanes of State Line Road near 100^th Street in KCMO. --Americans will measure with anything but the metric system. --Submitted by FNOG

You're a bird-watcher, great, what's in the tree over there? Yeah, they're all birds. / An ornithologist I know took a trip to Germany to drive on the Audubon.

..........And I miss them groovy puddles on the floor.........John Hartford …..The Good Old Electric Washing Machine

Trivia Questions: Happy Hundred and Third birthday to the American Meteorological Society.

• ^ Do you have any idea who founded or where they founded the AMS?
• ^^ Who makes up the bulk of the society's members?
• ^^^ How did the MS help advance meteorological science in the early days?
• ^^^^ What certification programs does the AMS offer?
• ^^^^^ How many members do you figure the AMS have, more or less?

Big Hello: Tiervâ – Inari Saami (Finland) https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: It's so cold my teeth were chattering all night...and I wasn't even wearing them. ---Maxine.com

Image of the Week: The always lovely Plaza Lights

Fake Library Statistics of the Week: 67% of librarians are currently wearing every cardigan they own and the weird one at the library that doesn't seem to belong to anyone. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

A bird-watcher I know traded a seagull for a sausage and got sick. She took a tern for the wurst. / I met a girl who took care of owls for rich people who had them as pets. They called her Hootenanny.

..........I'm walkin' in the rain..........Del Shannon …..Runaway

Moonbeam: Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind. --Rudyard Kipling

Meditation of the Week: What can I know? --Immanuel Kant

Puzzle of the Week: This challenge came from listener Neville Fogarty of Newport News, Va. Think of a convenience introduced in the 19th century that is still around today. Its name has two words. Take the first three letters of the first word and the first letter of its second word, in order to get a convenience introduced in the 21st century that serves a similar purpose. Their names are otherwise unrelated. What two conveniences are these? --Sunday Puzzle 12/24/17

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: There's nothing like opening Christmas gifts to remind you that the people you're closest to in the world know absolutely nothing about you. --Submitted by INRITH

bird-watchers, are you tired of the same bird jokes every time someone finds out about your hobby? Well, toucan play that game. / There's a really big bird-watching event this weekend. It's the Superb owl.

..........I could fly 'neath the wings of the bluebird as she sings.........The Monkees (with Michael Nesmith & Davy Jones) …..Daydream Believer

^ The American Meteorological Society was founded in 1919 by Charles Franklin Brooks of the Blue Hill Observatory in Milton, Massachusetts. Its initial membership came primarily from the U.S. Signal Corps and U.S. Weather Bureau and numbered just less than 600.

Almanac: It is Friday, December 30, 2022. The moon went into the first quarter yesterday (12/29) and is in Aries. It is Bacon Day, National Bicarbonate of Soda Day, and Falling Needles Family Fest Day. Because it is the last business day of the year it is also No Interruptions Day.

Among those born on this day were Titus (39), Alessandro Piccinini (1566), William Croft (1678), Heinrich Ebell (1775), Theodor Fontane (1819), Rudyard Kipling (1865), Simon Guggenheim (1867), Alfred Einstein (1880), Dmitri Kabalevsky (1904), Bert Parks (1914), Bo Diddley (Ellas Bates, 1928), Skeeter Davis (Mary Penick, 1931), Russ Tamblyn (1934), Sandy Koufax (1935), John Hartford (1937), Del Shannon (Charles Westover, 1939), James Burrows (1940), Michael Nesmith (1942), Davy Jones (1945), Jeff Lynne (1947), Matt Lauer (1957), Tracy Ullman (1959), and Tiger Woods (1975).

On December thirtieth Dido & Aeneas premiered (1689), the first coffee plant was sown in Hawaii (1817), the Gadsden Purchase was made (1854), the American Meteorological Society formed (1873), the Pirates of Penzance premiered (1879), Sun Yat-sen was elected the first president of the Republic of China (1911), the United Auto Workers staged a sit-down strike at Fisher Body (1936), Wake Up and Dream premiered (1929), California opened its first freeway (Arroyo Seco, 1940), Kiss Me Kate opened (1948), Skylab sent back first space photos of comet Kohoutek (1973), Gretaky set NHL record 60 goals by 39th game of season (1981), and the Vatican recognized Israel (1993).

Night Sky, 12/30: Cassiopeia is usually called a flattened letter W, but now it's a flattened M very high overhead around 7 or 8 pm, just a little west of north. Three hours later it will have turned around to stand on one end high in the northwest. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Fraternal Picture of the Week: Christmas Cookie Ritual

This Week: Saturday, December 31- Mahogany & Make Up You Mind Day & World Peace Meditation Day

Night Sky, 12/31: After the noise and hoopla at the turning of midnight tonight, step outside into the silent, cold dark. Shining high in the south will be Sirius, with the other bright stars of Canis Major to its right and below it. Sirius is the bottom star of the bright, equilateral Winter Triangle. The others are Betelgeuse in Orion's shoulder to Sirius's upper right, and Procyon the same distance to Sirius's upper left. The Triangle now stands upright, just about in balance on the point of Sirius. Happy New Year.

Sunday, January 1 – New Years Day & Copyright Day & Polar Bear Plunge Day & World Day of Peace

Monday, January 2 – National Science Fiction Day & National Buffet Day & Stop Spam Day

Tuesday, January 3 – Festival of Sleep Day & JRR Tolkien Day

Wednesday, January 4 – Earth at Perihelion & Trivia Day & World Braille Day

Night Sky, 1/4: Mercury and Venus pass each other this week very low in the southwest in twilight. Try it with binoculars about 30 minutes after sundown. Venus is by far the brightest at magnitude –3.9. Mercury begins the week 4° upper left of it on Christmas Eve. They pass 1.7° apart on the 29th, with Mercury now to Venus's right. Thereafter Mercury sinks away fast, while Venus continues creeping a little upward. During this time Mercury fades rapidly: from magnitude –0.3 on December 24th to +0.8 by the 31st, a loss of two thirds of its light in seven days.

Thursday, January 5 – National Bird Day & Monopoly Game Day & Twelfth Night

The only reason I took up bird-watching is so I can use the words tits and boobies in normal conversation. / After a decade of research it was determined that hummingbirds hum because they don't know the lyrics.

..........You've got me runnin', goin' out of my mind.........ELO with Jeff Lynne …..Don't Bring Me Down

^^ Many of the initial members were not practicing meteorologists, but after the dues were raised from $1 to $2 in 1922, the weather hobbyists began dropping their membership, and the Society moved toward a membership made up primarily of professionals in the field.

Preantepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: From now until early January we will be in the “I have no idea what day of the week it is” portion of the year. --Thoughts From Aisle 4

Moonbeam: Against a stupidity that is in fashion, now wisdom compensates. --Theodor Fontane

Video of the Week: The Christmas Decorations in the Biden White House (2:18) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=os58X8tevCQ

Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: After an exhaustive search, X AE A-XII, Elon's 2 year old son, will be the new CEO of Twitter. --Roxanne Roberts Wait Wait Don't Tell Me 12/24/22

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. --Albert Einstein

My friend George stood all day at the window watching the construction street next door. He needed a crane for his life list. / The sparrows used to put crow-tons on their salads.

..........Well, it's alright, if you live the life you please.........Traveling Wilburys with Jeff Lynne …..End Of The Line

^^^ The thirties and forties were a period of significant advancement in the atmospheric sciences, and the AMS made a substantial impact through the publication of fundamental contributions to science in the Bulletin, the production of books and monographs, and the organization of specialized meetings.

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I still don't know what I'm wearing to the living room for New Year's Eve. I might not even go. --Submitted by RHOZ

Weird Word of the Week: Limnophilous (lim-NOF-uh-luhs) – fond of or living in inland bodies of water such as lakes, pools, etc. https://mail.yahoo.com/d/folders/1/messages/84455

Dragon of the Week: Dragon on the wall of the Town Hall in Munich, Germany.

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Mousse your hair. A small dab of Barbasol shaving cream combed through your hair will keep it in place. If you use a blow dryer with shaving cream in your hair, you can make your hair stand on end. https://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/barbasol.html

Birds invest their money in the stork market. / Birds never review for tests. They just wing it.

...........'Cause I've made your reservation.........The Monkees (with Michael Nesmith & Davy Jones) …..Last Train To Clarksville

^^^^ The AMS administers two professional certification programs, the Certified Broadcast Meteorologist (CBM) and Certified Consulting Meteorologist (CCM) programs, and also offers an array of undergraduate scholarships and graduate fellowships to support students pursuing careers in the atmospheric and related oceanic and hydrologic sciences.

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: A new study shows that the most expensive vehicle to operate is a grocery cart.

Brief Movie Review of the Week: During the pandemic, my movie crush, Viggo Mortensen, wrote and directed a movie based on his relationship with his dad who had Alsheimer's. Jeff found a wonderful movie streaming service called Kanopy which is free if you have a library card, which, of course, I do. So I finally got to see Falling. I discovered that he also wrote the music too. Well, it's as depressing as all get out. The father in the movie was an asshole before he got old and grandpa Bray wasn't - so there wasn't much I could relate to.

Answer to Puzzle of the Week: Yellow Pages --> Yelp

Birds fly south in the winter because it's too far to walk. / Oliver Owl writes Hoo-dunnits. / That murder of crows stick so close together we call them velcrow.

..........And I'll never forget this night in the rain.........Del Shannon …..Two Silhouettes

^^^^^ The American Meteorological Society has more than 13,000 individual members in nearly 100 countries. Membership is an array of membership categories that accommodate a wide range of people including students, teachers, corporations and weather enthusiasts.

My Own Writing of the Week: Three's a match: I never liked maison a trois with two men. They were either afraid - somewhere deep in their souls - to touch each other lest "gay" somehow break out on them like chicken pox. Then it wasn't a threesome at all. It was just one woman and two demanding jerks. Or they were so glad to have an excuse to touch each other without actually having to “be” gay that I became superfluous.

But I do remember a long, wonderful weekend in the mountains of Arkansas with my dear friend and her dear friend and a can of Reddi-whip®. He'd built the house himself and it had windows pointing every direction that showed deciduous trees wet with the fall rain. Their autumn leaves gave the air a yellow glow. I don't remember much about him, but I remember her -- in Technicolor, long brown hair, and a smile the size of Rhode Island. She was a little bitty woman with two big sons. And the feistiest woman I ever knew.

From: Always Surrender by Christine Smith

Update of the Week: I was sick again this week. This time with intestinal troubles – both directions...all liquid. No one else in the house got it, so it wasn't contagious. The online doctor said that diarrhea usually lasts a day or two. So when it was still a problem on the morning of the third day, I bought el cheapo Imodium and it hasn't been a problem since.

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: If we found out reincarnation was real and had a way to verifiably track who a reincarnated person was in a previous life, how long would it take for companies to make sure you inherited debt from your previous lives. --Zullie --Submitted by MMS

Today's Peace of History:,December 30, 1901: The worst year in the 20th century for lynching in the U.S. ended with a total of 130 victims (105 blacks, 25 whites). Ida Wells-Barnett had been a teacher and newspaper editor in Memphis, Tennessee, where she wrote against the evils of lynching in her columns in The Free Speech and Headlight. Forced from the South by threat of violence, she continued her efforts in Chicago.

What's black and white and black and white and black and white? A penguin falling down the stairs. / Baby birds love to play peckaboo.

..........That keeps you in the back roads by the rivers of my memory.........John Hartford …..Gentle On My Mind

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle December 30, 2022, Feathered ePistle ~~This ePistle doesn't count. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith, Lawrence, KS

Moonbeam: I think serial monogamy says it all. --Tracey Ullman

Cost of War:

As of 12/29/22 State Department War Costs since 2001: $196,138,981,916.

• As of 12/22/22 State Department War Costs since 2001: $195,580,972,168.
• As of 12/29/22 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,106,940,052,104.
• As of 12/22/22 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,105,381,439,265.
• As of 12/29/22 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,124,754,566,619.
• As of 12/22/22 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,124,148,395,092.
• As of 12/29/22 Veterans Care since 2001: $2,816,153,444,512.
• As of 12/22/22 Veterans Care since 2001: $2,804,337,670,422.
• As of 12/29/22 Military Costs since 2001: $3,000,140,196,870.
• As of 12/22/22 Military Costs since 2001: $2,998,956,539,907.
• As of 12/29/22 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $8,244,135,713,548.
• As of 12/22/22 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $8,228,407,179,197.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them. --Albert Einstein

Famous Last Words: All thine. --Chorus Kiss Me Kate

..........Let me hear the choir sing.........Bo Diddley …..Pretty Thing

That bird, the one that's always out of breath, is a puffin. / Why wouldn't the rooster cross the road? Because he was a chicken.

May Peace preen you feathers

And Joy jubilate your voice

prairie mama

christine

Last Laugh:

Scented ePistle

 Famous First Words: Happy Festivus...for the rest of us !

Today, worldwide, there are many, many solstice celebrations that run for 3 to 12 days. Almost all of them involve candles. If you're going to make candle jokes, you need to be wick on your feet. / Puck got a scented candle for Christmas. It smells like a dead squirrel.

..........As the goat sails through the night sea.........PTKBO …..Io, Saturnalia

May you find peace in the promise of the solstice night, that each day forward is blessed with more light.

It is a frigid Friday (-4°F) with a wind chill of minus 23. The sky is devoid of clouds and the new rising sun makes the roof snow shine. The willow trees are relatively calm, but gusts of up to 16 mph make the branches dance and the wind chill drop so low. There are no birds at the feeder or in the air yet this morning. They must be waiting for it to warm up a bit before the venture out of what we hope are warm nests. The main streets are relatively clear and we could make it to the grocery without fear of sliding. I have a doctored cup of Nuttin' But Kisses decaf and a doctored biscuit for breakfast. The chocolatey steam from my cup brings warmth and cheer to my nose and my heart. So I play Jethro Tull singing Another Christmas Song and sit down to write to you; it's another reason to feel warm in a season of cold. Whatever your holiday, may it be merry and bright, ePistliers, and warm.

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Maybe I should've been giving all the naughty kids solar panels instead of coal. --Santa testifying before the Climate Change Committee --Submitted by ff of ks

I want a party candle that will burn for 2 hours smelling like Champaign and then change to a Time For The Guest To Leave scent. / One of the most stressful things about being a baby dragon is trying to blow out the candles on your birthday cake.

..........that showed me time outside my understanding.........Eliza McLamb ….Winter Solstice

Trivia Questions: Happy Birthday to the Metric Conversion Act !

• ^ Which president signed the bill into existence?
• ^^ What was the bill supposed to accomplish?
• ^^^ How were the tenets of the bill to be established?
• ^^^^ Which president abolished the Metrication process?
• ^^^^^ Which president tried to re-establish the spirit of the bill?

Big Hello: Kablaaw – Iloko (Philippines) https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Dear Jesus: For Christmas this year I'd like to try following your teachings without having your followers call me a socialist. --John Fugelsang --Submitted by 98%

Image of the Week: The new “grand boat” i,e. Tom and Kirsten's I don't know its name.

~~I believe the original lyrics were “been for a sail on a boat with no name...”

Fake Library Statistics of the Week: 20% of a librarian's Christmas spirit is gin. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

I searched eBay for something to light my candles. It said “no matches found”. / Neither a red candle nor a green candle burn longer. They both burn shorter.

..........Your tears are as pure as spring water.........Hamed Mahzarnia …..Shab E Yalda

Moonbeam: The low-lying mountains sleep at the edge of the world. The forests cover them like mantles. --Harriet Monroe

Meditation of the Week: Can you imagine a googolplex?

Puzzle of the Week: From listener Warren Bergmann, of Neenah, Wis. Many people carry _____ (4-letter word) in a _____ (5-letter word) to make _____ (9-letter word). You can rearrange the letters of the first two words (the 4- and 5-letter ones) to get the last word (the 9-letter one). What words are these?

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Actual Saturnalia Joke from the 5^th Century: Hereupon Evangelus said, “Servilius Geminus happened to be dining at the home of Lucius Mallius, then considered the best painter in Rome, when he saw Mallius' two ugly sons: “You don't make children,” he said, “the way you make pictures.” “That,” said Maiilus, “is because I make children in the dark, pictures in the light.”

Too many candles these days are quitting their jobs due to burn out. / I hear candles are always delighted to be put out.

..........The fairgrounds buzzing; it's a great show..........Mahanadhi ….......Pongal

^ The Metric Conversion Act of 1975 is an Act of Congress that President Gerald Ford signed into law on December 23, 1975

Almanac: It is Friday, December 23, 2022. Christmas Eve Eve! The moon is new today and is in Capricorn. It is National Pfeffernusse Day, National Roots Day, Festivus, and Human Light Celebration. In Egypt it is Victory Day.

Among those born on this day were Pieter Bockenberg (1548), Richard Arkwright (1732), Aleksandr Romanov (1777), Jean-Francois Champollion (1790), Joseph Smith Jr (1805), Thomas Malthus (1834), Harriet Monroe (1860), Don McNeill (1907), Helmut Schmidt (1918), Jose Greco (1918), Leonard Stern (1923), Robert Bly (1926), Karol Bobko (1937), Tim Hardin (1941), Harry Shearer (1943), Ronald Bushy (1945), Susan Lucci (1949), Eddie Vedder and Slash (1965), and Corey Haim (1971).

On December twenty-third the Peace of Arras was signed (1482), the Continental Congress took out a loan from France for $181,500 to finance the war (1776), Benedict Arnold was court-martialed (1779), Maryland voted to cede land for the District of Columbia (1788), A Visit from St Nicholas was published (1823), Turkey proclaimed its constitution (1876), van Gogh cut off his left ear (1888), L'apres-midi d'un faune premiered (1894), the first Keystone Kops film was released (1912), the Federal Reserve Act was sign into law (1913), BBC Radio began daily newscasts (1922), NBC set up coast-to-coast radio network (1928), Castro offered to trade 1,113 prisoners of the Bay of Pigs Invasion for $62 million worth of food and medical supplies (1961), Borman, Lovell, and Anders orbit the moon (1968), The Young and the Restless debuted (1973), Congress passed the Metric Conversion Act (1975), and Squeaky Fromme escaped from Alderson Prison (1987).

Night Sky, 12/23: Above Orion shines orange Aldebaran with the large, loose Hyades cluster in its background. Binoculars are the ideal instrument for this cluster given its size: its brightest stars (4th and 5th magnitude) span an area about 4° wide. (Fainter ones extend much farther.) Higher above, the Pleiades are only a little more than 1° across counting just the brightest stars. The main Hyades stars famously form a V. It's currently lying on its side, open to the left. Aldebaran forms the lower of the V's two tips. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Fraternal Picture of the Week: Christmas Dreamlike Image with reindeer

This Week: Saturday, December 24 – Eggnog Day & Christmas Eve

Sunday, December 25 – A'Phabet Day or No “L” Day & Christmas & Christmas Pudding Day

Night Sky, 12/25: Starting 20 minutes after sunset, use binoculars to look low above the southwest horizon for Venus. Once you get it, watch for Mercury 4° to its upper right (well less than a binocular field width), and a very thin fingernail clipping of a crescent Moon a similar distance to Mercury's lower right. The Moon is very new when seen from the longitudes of the Americas. Can you see the earthshine on the Moon's dark portion?

Monday, December 26 – Boxing Day & National Candy Cane Day & Thank-you Note Day

Tuesday, December 27 – Howdy Doody Day & Visit the Zoo Day

Wednesday, December 28 – Endangered Species Act Day & Pledge of Allegiance Day

Night Sky, : Jupiter blazes white high in the south in twilight, then sinks toward the southwest. At magnitude –2.5 it vastly outshines the background stars of dim Pisces. Look for the Great Square of Pegasus above it as the stars come out, and upper right of Jupiter as the evening advances.

Thursday, December 29 – Tick Tock Day & YMCA Day (the organization not the song)

A sexy candle is called a scandle. / How many Saturnalia Celebrators does it take to change a light bulb? None, those guys use candles.

..........Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able.........Dar Williams …..The Christians and the Pagans

^^ The act declared the metric system "the preferred system of weights and measures for United States trade and commerce", but permitted the use of US customary units in all activities.

Preantepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I think the new richest person should be required to buy Twitter now and this cycle should continue until none of them are rich anymore. --Elliot Downing --Submitted by 98%

Moonbeam: To be wild is not to be crazy or psychotic. True wildness is a love of nature, a delight in silence, a voice free to say spontaneous things, and an exuberant curiosity in the face of the unknown. --Robert Bly

Audio of the Week: Did Jesus Have A Baby Sister by Dory Previn ~~Did she whisper saviorette?

Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: It's COVID plus Flu plus a disease called RSV. It's the triple demic...tri demic. It sounds scary doesn't it, but it's very convenient, isn't it. We were so close to having to go home and visit our families for Christmas. --Tom Papa Wait Wait Don't Tell Me 12/17/22

With the turning of the wheel of time, let us keep our patience and rejoice in the winter solstice.

The Dad Jokes Candle smells like the groans of children. / If you have that candle, you should burn it. Otherwise it makes no scents.

..........You and I are caught in a fading light.........Howie Day …..Longest Night

^^^ The Act also established the United States Metric Board with representatives from scientific, technical, and educational institutions, as well as state and local governments to plan, coordinate, and educate the US people for the Metrication of the United States.

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Stop making fun of older kids who still believe in Santa Clause, there are grown men who still believe in trickle down economics. --Submitted by ff of ks

Weird Word of the Week: Tergiversate – wriggling and being evasive, trying to avoid giving a straight answer to a straight question http://www.worldwidewords.org/weirdwords/ww-ter1.htm

Dragon of the Week:

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Make pots and pans easy to clean. Before placing pots or pans on the barbecue grill, coat the bottom of the cookware with Barbasol shaving cream. When you finish grilling, the block soot will wash off the bottom of the pan with ease. https://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/barbasol.html

Our friendship is like this candle. If you forget me, I'll burn your house down. / When the last of your scented candle runs out, it's time for high-burn-na-shun.

...........Tonight while the moon is bright.........Louis Armstrong …..Cool Yule

^^^^ The Metric Board was abolished in 1982 by President Ronald Reagan.

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: 1876: Willie Nelson releases “Mamas don't' let your babies (Grow up to be cowboys)”. 1996 (literally 18 years later): Paula Cole releases “Where have all the cowboys gone?” Amazing the patterns you start to recognize when you learn the history they refuse to teach you in school. --Submitted by ks of ks

Science Fiction Convention of the Week: I could not find a science fiction convention this weekend. Why was Megatron not invited to the Republican convention?: Because Megatron was a trans-former.

Actual Science Conference of the Week: I could not find a technology conference this weekend. The JavaScript developer was sad because she did not Node how to Express herself.

Answer to Puzzle of the Week: Cash + Purse → Purchases

Everybody talks about how wonderful scented candles are but I'm pretty sure they're wicked. / When I stumbled on the rug, my purse flew out of my hand and knocked over the Christmas candle display. It was a waxident.

..........The holly wears a blossom as white as any flower.........Loreena McKennitt …..The Holly and the Ivy

^^^^^ Executive Order 12770, signed by President George H W Bush on July 25, 1991, citing the Metric Conversion Act, directed departments and agencies within the executive branch of the US Government to "take all appropriate measures within their authority" to use the metric system "as the preferred system of weights and measures for United States trade and commerce" and authorized the Secretary of Commerce "to charter an Interagency Council on Metric Policy ('ICMP'), which will assist the Secretary in coordinating Federal Government-wide implementation of this order."

Second Extra Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Prosthetic leg for sale. Would make excellent Christmas stocking filler. --Punny Pete --Submitted by sb of ar

My Own Writing of the Week: When I was 60 years old, I appeared in the Lawrence Kansas Anarchists Exposed Calendar (2004) in the nude. I was old and fat and it was so much fun. I wore only an Uncle Sam Hat. Bruce appeared also on a different page in a wizard hat. I bought 10 copies and gave them away as Christmas presents. I sent one to my daughter's family but my grandchildren refused to look at it. I sent copies to a few old boyfriends and even to one who was still in the queue. I was the oldest nude in the calendar. --My only Christmas piece

Quote of the Week: F**k the voting. Get right to the violence. --Roger Stone

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: None of the presents under the tree have neighed yet, so that's kind of disappointing.

Today's Peace of History, December 23, 1943: A 135-day strike by 23 conscientious objectors (COs) ended dining hall segregation at Danbury Federal Penitentiary in Connecticut. The number of conscientious objectors had increased from 15 in early 1941 to 200 by the time of the strike.

The candle factory in the neighborhood only made a few scents and was, therefore, never profitable. / There was a big fire in the Aroma Therapy Clinic, but things are much calmer now.

..........And I find it hard to explain.........Phoenix …..Winter Solstice

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle December 23, 2022, Scented ePistle. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Christine Smith, Exclusive Editor Lawrence, KS

Moonbeam: If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure? --Harry Shearer

Cost of War:

• As of 12/22/22 State Department War Costs since 2001: $195,580,972,168.
• As of 12/16/22 State Department War Costs since 2001: $195,033,808,489.
• As of 12/22/22 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,105,381,439,265.
• As of 12/16/22 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,103,853,171,352.
• As of 12/22/22 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,124,148,395,092.
• As of 12/16/22 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,123,553,932,213.
• As of 12/22/22 Veterans Care since 2001: $2,804,337,670,422.
• As of 12/16/22 Veterans Care since 2001: $2,792,751,051,326.
• As of 12/22/22 Military Costs since 2001: $2,998,956,539,907.
• As of 12/16/22 Military Costs since 2001: $2,997,796,117,289.
• As of 12/22/22 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $8,228,407,179,197.
• As of 12/16/22 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $8,212,991,023,476.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

May the long nights make the light sweeter.

Famous Last Words: ...and to all a good night. --Clements A Visit From St Nicholas.

..........When all your demons die.........Marilyn Manson …..Saturnalia

If you decorate with a lot of small candles, you can make the place look tea-rightful. / Are the people who live in Candleville called Candlites?

May Peace define your season

And Joy define your life

prairie mama

christine

Last Laugh:

What ePistle?

Famous First Words: You'll always be a part of me...I'll See You Again (Westlife) ~~Noel Coward's Motto Song

It is Philip K Dick's birthday! Dick is the most paranoid writer I have ever encountered. I, myself, am not paranoid. I'm just acutely aware of all the things that can go catastrophically wrong in life. / She was both paranoid and annoying. I call her Karenoid.

..........Lighting candles by the sea.........Tom Lehrer …..Hanukkah in Santa Monica

This is the season when people of all faiths are pushing back against the planetary dark. We string bulbs, ignite fires, and light candles. And we sing. --Anita Diamant

It is a cold (28°F) Friday morning. I have been to the doctor. This sounds so simple, but the street in front of my doctor's office has been under reconstruction since June and is not yet half finished. So it is through a sea of orange cones and closed intersections that I made it. He said we all have had flu and hot showers would help clear the crud from our lungs. Other than than, I'm fine. I am home now, brewing a pot of my new Christmas Coffee called Nuttin' but Kisses. It smells wonderful and I can hardly wait to taste it. A Thank You Shout-Out to the Ohio ePistliers for that. Oops, there's Puck barking at the door because even critters with fur coats aren't interested in staying outside. I slept through the night without coughing myself awake, the sun is shining from almost as far south and it can go, and the weather promises to make it up to freezing. December in Kansas – who can resist it.

Hope your weekend lights up your life, ePistliers.

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Today I'm going to give it my some. --Submitted by INRITH

Paranoia has reached absurd stages: I sneezed in front of my computer and the anti-virus started a scan all on its own. / How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?

..........Put on your yarmulke.........Adam Sandler …..The Chanukah Song

Trivia Questions: It is Barbie and Barney Backlash Day !

• ^ How old is Barbie these days?
• ^^ For that matter, how old is Barney (the children's tv dinosaur)?
• ^^^ What animal was Barney slated to be?
• ^^^^ How many Barbies are there altogether?
• ^^^^^ In the 1965 “Slumber Party Barbie” what book was included?

Big Hello: Ndeewo – Igbo (Nigeria & Equatorial Guinea) https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Netflix should have a category called: Easy to Follow while Knitting. --Rebecca Hains

Image of the Week: Pink Cadillac Menorah

Fake Library Statistics of the Week: 98% of books with a green cover are unavailable until January as they're being used for the library's book tree. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they aren't out to get you. / I don't know whether my paranoia is getting worse or whether that's just what they want me to think.

..........I am confused about all those N's and K's..........The LeeVees …..How Do You Spell Channukkahh

Moonbeam: Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings. --Jane Austen

Meditation of the Week: Why is there anything at all? --Ludwig Wittgenstein

Puzzle of the Week: From Joseph Young of St. Cloud, Minn. who runs the website Puzzleria! Name a symbol punctuation mark on a computer keyboard. Anagram to get the brand name of a product you might buy at a grocery, in two words. What is it?

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Instead of repaying my student loans, I'm returning my diploma. It didn't work. --Stahler --Submitted by bc of tx

Paranoia is so intense, we've started arming security cameras with weapons. / The influencer was diagnosed with paranoia because she believed nobody was following her.

..........Oh, I'll really end up in a royal stew..........Debbie Friedman …..The Latke Song

^ Barbie was born March 5, 1959; so she is 63 years old.

Almanac: It is Friday, December 16, 2022. The moon goes to the last quarter today and is in Virgo. It is National Chocolate-covered Anything Day, Barbie & Barney Backlash Day, and Free Shipping Day (Some years). In Bahrain it is National Day and México celebrates Posadas Days/Lodgings. Nepal commemorates Constitution Day (1962). Because it is the third Friday it is also National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day and Underdog Day

Among those born on this day were Catherine of Aragon (1485), Giovanni Maria Casini (1652), Georg Weimar (1734), Ludwig van Beethoven (1770), Jane Austen (1775), E.E. Barnard (1857), Walther Meissner (1882), Noel Coward (1899), Margaret Mead (1901), Arthur C Clarke (1917), G Randall Garrett (1927), Peter Dickinson (1927), Philip K Dick (1928), Liv Ullman (1929), Billy Gibbons (ZZ Top, 1949), William "the Refrigerator" Perry (1962), Benjamin Bratt (1963), and Billy Ripkin (1964).

On December sixteenth England's Henry VI crowned king of France (1431), English Parliament adopted the Bill of Rights after Glorious Revolution (1689), the Boston Tea Party was held (1773), the Republic of South Africa formed (1880), Dvorak's New World Symphony premiered (1893), Variety was first published (1905), and President Clinton named his Labrador retriever, Buddy (1997).

Night Sky, 12/16: The little Pleiades cluster shines high in the southeast after dinnertime, upper right of Mars by about a fist at arm's length. How many Pleiades can you count with your unaided eye? Take your time and keep looking. Most people with good vision can count 6. But with sharper eyesight, a good dark sky, and a steady gaze, you may be able to make out 8 or 9. Binoculars show several dozen. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Fraternal Picture of the Week: Christmas Elves ~~Elf Ollie is wearing dinosaur camo while Elf Max is sporting tan lines

This Week: Saturday, December 17 – Clean Air Day & Wright Brothers Day

Sunday, December 18 – First day of Hanukkah & Answer the Phone Like Buddy The Elf Day

Night Sky, 12/18: Have you ever watched a Sirius-rise? Find an open view right down to the east-southeast horizon, and watch for Sirius to come up about two fists at arm's length below Orion's vertical belt. Sirius rises sometime around 8 pm. now, depending on your location.

Monday, December 19 – I have no holidays for December 19^th this year. FREE DAY

Tuesday, December 20 – Games Day & Mudd Day & National Sangria Day

Wednesday, December 21 – Winter Solstice & Humbug Day & World Peace Day

Night Sky, 12/21: Mercury and Venus glimmer very low in the bright afterglow of sunset. Try for them with binoculars 20 or 30 minutes after sundown, just above the southwest horizon. Venus is by far the brighter of the two at magnitude –3.9. Mercury, 5° or 6° to Venus's upper left all week, is only mag –0.6. They both get a little higher and easier day by day.

Thursday, December 22 – Be A Lover of Silence Day & Forefathers Day

Thank you for calling the Paranoia Help-line. Please hold while your call is traced. / The opposite of paranoia is thinking you are following someone.

..........Dreidels to play with and latkes to eat.........Glee Cast …..Hanukkah, Oh, Hanukkah

^^ Barney first appeared April 9, 1992 and is 30 years old.

Preantepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: The goal of the future is full unemployment, so we can play. --Arthur C Clarke

Moonbeam: Extraordinary how potent cheap music is. --Noel Coward

Video of the Week: MC Flow – Pot In The Latkes ~~I was so damned high I felt practically biblical~~

A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. --James Keller

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books on paranoia. She whispers, “They're right behind you.” / My partner just left me because of my anxiety and paranoia. O, never mind, she just came back from bowling.

..........You got your macca-macca-bees.........Shira Kline …..Chanukah Bamba

^^^ Barney was originally intended to be a bear. After Sheryl Leach's son, Patrick, went to a dinosaur exhibit, the character became a dinosaur.

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Parents: Make sure to give your children all the attention they need, so they don't grow up to be Kyrsten Sinema --Jeff Tiedrich --Submitted by rhb of ks

Weird Word of the Week: Sabermetrician – a person who studies baseball statistics. http://www.worldwidewords.org/weirdwords/ww-sab1.htm

Dragon of the Week: Hanukkah Dragon

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Break in a baseball glove. Rub the center of the glove with Barbasol shaving cream, place a baseball in the glove, fold the mitt around it, and secure with rubber bands. Tuck the glove under the mattress overnight. https://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/barbasol.html

Talk about paranoid, he reads the fine print on money. / I called the paranoia hot line and they asked me how I got their number.

...........Nights and days, days and nights.........Indigo Girls …..Happy Joyous Hanukkah

^^^^ There are more than 170 Barbies with different skin tones and hairstyles for children to choose and see themselves in.

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Some people couldn't be nice even if a unicorn shoved a fairy wand up their a** while Judy Garland stood there singing Somewhere Over The Rainbow. --Submitted by RHOZ

Science Fiction Convention of the Week: Stranger Fan Meet 6 (17-18, Paris, France) Dedicated to Stranger Things https://comic-cons.xyz/event/stranger-fan-meet/

Actual Science Conference of the Week: International Conference on Science Technology and Management (15-17, Queens County, NY) Connect, Meet and Build a Strong Network. https://10times.com/icstm-new-york

Answer to Puzzle of the Week: Semicolon → Molson Ice

Congratulations on being justified in your paranoia about being laid off. / No, the real question is why aren't you paranoid?

..........that's small and made of clay.........Matt Stone …..Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel

^^^^^ In 1965 Mattel included the book “How to Lose Weight” with their Barbie.

My Own Writing of the Week: I fell in love with the Limey at first sight. Taller than me but not Apollo tall, he was lean and ginger-haired. I fell even before I heard that lilting accent. His thinning hair was almost orange and his skin was so white it was nearly opaque. I was standing behind him at an elevator and could not take my eyes off of the hair hanging down the slope of his back which was hidden behind a t-shirt. The shirt was blue and empty of wit or advertisement. It wasn't until the next morning that I discovered his delightful voice, he was in my SQL Server Training class. As we were all getting to know each other, he seemed to be shy ... class, lunch...not quite so shy, happy hour ...a little looser...dinner... my room, all shyness gone. He shed coat, tie, shirt, undershirt, pants, and briefs and was nude but for socks almost before I got the door secured and he had me down to my garter belt and dangling hose before we got to the bed. In memory it seemed like he never stopped kissing me while he managed this but I think that is not possible so I must remember it wrong.

He was also given to victory dances which were kind of fun and floppy. And he certainly was not at all shy about asking me to do things that I might have once thought I was too shy to do. We spent two wonderful nights together and then the class was over and we never saw each other again.

If I had been rich, I would have had beautiful young men sitting around my house all the time playing music or painting or reading. I wouldn't care much what they did, really.

From Always Surrender by Christine Smith

By the Way of the Week: So, last week, I put the ePistle on the Blogspot page and Blogspot told me that it was putting a “WARNING” to readers on it. It was late, I was sick. It took me a couple of days to get back to it. I changed a single word, replacing a uc with asterisks. The site reviewed it and let it stand even though there were graphic references not connected to a single word. So in the future you may find asterisks in the writing but the juice will still be there.

Quote of the Week: A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. --Herm Albright

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: I can't tell if that ugly holiday sweater is hurting my ears or my eyes.

Today's Peace of History, December 16, 1969: "War is Over! If You Want It, Happy Christmas from John & Yoko" posters begin appearing. https://www.beatlesbible.com/1969/12/15/john-lennon-yoko-ono-war-is-over-poster-campaign-launched/

Me: Librarian, where are the books on paranoia? Librarian: Who wants to know? / Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medication bottle that says: “Caution, may cause extreme sexiness”.

..........And a bag of chocolate coins.........They Might Be Giants …..Feast of Lights

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle December 16, 2022, What ePistle? Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047

Moonbeam: I was wise enough never to grow up. --Margaret Mead

Cost of War:

• As of 12/16/22 State Department War Costs since 2001: $195,033,808,489.
• As of 12/08/22 State Department War Costs since 2001: $194,453,743,807.
• As of 12/16/22 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,103,853,171,352.
• As of 12/08/22 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $1,102,233,023,167.
• As of 12/16/22 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,123,553,932,213.
• As of 12/08/22 Homeland Security since 2001: $1,122,923,853,082.
• As of 12/16/22 Veterans Care since 2001: $2,792,751,051,326.
• As of 12/08/22 Veterans Care since 2001: $2,780,470,817,901.
• As of 12/16/22 Military Costs since 2001: $2,997,796,117,289.
• As of 12/08/22 Military Costs since 2001: $2,996,565,946,855.
• As of 12/16/22 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $8,212,991,023,476.
• As of 12/08/22 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $8,196,649,357,096.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

The proper response, as Hanukkah teaches, is not to curse the darkness but to light a candle. --Irving Greenberg

Famous Last Words: Such ihn über'm Sternenzelt. Beethoven's Symphony No. 9

..........And we march on.........LeeVees …..Goyim Friends

My therapist says I'm paranoid. He didn't “actually” say that, but I know he was thinking it. / Paranoia is reality seen on a finer scale.

May Peace comfort you

And Joy sustain you

prairie mama

christine

Last Laugh: