gElastic ePistle

Famous First Words: Zilah, one of the prizes... Opening line The Shiek

Did you hear that Xerox and Wurlitzer are merging? They are going to manufacture a reproductive organ. /
Computers can never completely replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity.

..........There's more to see than can ever been seen..........Rafiki & Company …..The Circle of Life

In the year 1840, the year of the organization of the Liberty Party, about 230 anti-slavery votes were cast in this county....

It is a cool (34°F), sunny Friday morning. The ePistle is late because I had a doctor appointment this morning. I have lost 19 pounds. I thought I had lost 6 or 8, but it was 19 and that's all I need to know to make this a great day. Hope you get wonderful news today too.

Hope your weekend gives you fun that is funny, ePistliers

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Britain is responsible for Independence Day celebrations in 63 countries. --Submitted by FNOG

Did you ever hear about the Norwegian who loved his wife so much he almost told her? / I got an A in philosophy last semester by proving that my professor doesn't exist.

From the year that brought you “8 months of March”, welcome to Tuesday, Part 4.

..........Plus a hint of sycophancy on the side.........Zazu, Simba, & Mufasa …..The Morning Report

Trivia Questions: Happy Birthday to the National Bowling Association !

^ Of the ten pins, which one is the kingpin?

^^ Know how many feet it is from the foul line to the head pin?

^^^ What is the average weight of a bowling ball?

^^^^ Any idea where the National Bowling Stadium is located?

^^^^^ Who won the 2019 PBA National Championship?

Big Hello: Salud – Breton (France) https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Secular Confectionist: I don't believe in a deity, but I faithfully observe all holidays that involve baked goods or candy. --Submitted by llr of ks

Fake Library Statistic of the Week: Every library has at least one cardigan that appears on the back of random chairs but belongs to no one. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, you're a pickle! What are you doing here?" The pickle says, "Well for starters, I'm celebrating the fact that I can walk." / A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. He told the bartender that the newt's name was Tiny. "Why?" asks the bartender. "Because he's my newt!" replied the man.

Finally! I get the “sleepy Joe” meaning. We elect Biden. We get some sleep.

..........mama wele le hay.........Lionesses …..The Lioness Hunt

Moonbeam: An unjust law is no law at all. --Augustine of Hippo

Naturally Occurring Mandala of the Week: Apple Pie

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Imagine how much sound a centipede would make if it wore tiny flip flops. --Submitted by INRITH

Week of the Week: National Split Pea Soup Week (9-14) --What's the difference between split pea soup and roast beef? Anyone can roast beef. It's much harder to pee soup.

An elephant and a giraffe were walking through the jungle when the elephant saw a turtle sitting on a log. He said, "Hey, you're the same turtle who bit me 45 years ago." And he kicked the turtle and it flew a hundred feet and bounced off a tree and into the river. And the giraffe said, "Wow, you've got quite a memory" and the elephant said, "I have turtle recall." / What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Unitarian: Someone who goes around knocking on doors but isn't sure why. / Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

My wife and I dined on lame duck ala orange last night. It was both timely and delicious.

..........When you're so edible..........Shenzi, Banzai, Ed, & Company …..Chow Down

^ The 5 pin is considered the kingpin because it is surrounded or protected by all the other pins.

Almanac: It is Friday, November 13, 2020. The moon will be new on Sunday and is in Scorpio. It is World Kindness Day. In Grenada and New Zealand it is Remembrance Day and in Laos they celebrate the King's Birthday.

Among those born on this day were Augustine of Hippo (354), Edward III (1312), Edwin Booth (1822), Joseph F. Smith (1838), Robert Louis Stevenson (1850), Louis Brandeis (1856), Robert Sterling (1917), Madeleine Sherwood (1922), Oskar Werner (1922), Richard Mulligan (1932), Joe Mantegna (1947), and Whoopi Goldberg (1949).

On November thirteenth Oliver Wendel Holmes published "Old Ironsides" (1830), the Liberty Party convened (US first anti-slavery party, 1839), Mt, Rainier erupted (1843), the PT Barnum New American museum opened (1865), the American Philological Association and the National Bowling Association were organized (1875), The Sheik with Valentino was released (1921), Hattie Caraway (D-AK) was appointed the first US female senator (1931), the first modern "sit down" strike in the US (Hormel, 1933) took place, Fantasia was released (1940), the draft age was lowered from 21 to 18 (1942), the supreme court struck down segreation on public transportation (1956), and the Vietnam War Memorial was dedicated (DC, 1982).

Night Sky, 11/13: Spot Altair high in the southwest soon after dark. Brighter Vega shines three or four fists to its right. Two distinctive little constellations lurk above Altair: Delphinus the Dolphin, hardly more than a fist at arm's length to its upper left, and smaller, fainter Sagitta the Arrow, slightly less far to Altair's upper right. Sky too bright? Use binoculars! http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Max Picture of the Week: Artist Max and his Clay

This Week: Saturday, November 14 – Diwali & Loosen Up, Lighten Up Day & World Diabetes Day

Sunday, November 15 – America Recycles Day & I Love To Write Day

Night Sky, 11/15: Draw a line from Altair to Vega, continue the line onward by half as far, and you hit the Lozenge: the pointy-nosed head of Draco, the Dragon. Its brightest star is orange Eltanin, the tip of the Dragon's nose, always pointing toward Vega.

Monday, November 16 – International Day for Tolerance & National Button Day

Night Sky, 11/16: Leonids Meteor Storm: up to 15/hour, midnight to dawn.

Tuesday, November 17 – Homemade Bread Day & Parents Day & National Unfriend Day

Wednesday, November 18 – Mickey Mouse Day & National Princess Day

Night Sky, 11/18: Jupiter and Saturn tilt down in the west-southwest during and after twilight. Get your telescope on them early, even in twilight, before they sink lower toward the southwest. But don't expect much.

Thursday, November 19 – Equality Opportunity Day & Great American Smokeout & International Men's Day

Viagra stolen. It’s in the news. Hardened criminals on the loose. / Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we've gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota.

This will not be a peaceful transition. Anyone who has had to pull a toddler out of Chucky Cheese knows this. --Submitted by pj of ks

..........meticulous planning, tenacity spanning.........Scar, Shenzi, Banzai, Ed, & Company …..Be Prepared

^^ Ten-pin bowling lanes are 60 feet from the foul line to the center of the head pin.

'Nother Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely. --Submitted by INRITH

Moonbeam: If we desire respect for the law, we must first make the law respectable. --Louis Brandeis

Late Night Snacks of the Week: Now, my blood pressure is within normal range – for a truck tire. You could roll my aorta over a gravel road, I wouldn’t feel a bump. --Stephen Colbert / It is genuinely hard to overstate the level of relief that has been flying around parts of this country, especially at the end of a truly draining week of constant electoral map news coverage that was basically the equivalent of watching security footage of a Best Buy for four straight days. --John Oliver / Why would the Democrats have cheated and stolen the presidency but given up the Senate and House seats on the same ballot? Are we supposed to believe there’s a universe in which Nancy Pelosi could’ve sent Mitch McConnell back to the exotic pets store he came from and she chose not to? --Jimmy Kimmel

Ollie's Very Own Picture of the Week: Ollie and the Great Green Bubble Bath

Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: Of the platypus, one thing I know. They lay eggs. But to mammals, they grow. But now here's a write-up that they also light up. Just turn off the light, and they glow. New research shows that the fur of the platypus glows green and blue under UV light. They theorize that the glow might help these nocturnal animals in low-light conditions such as raves. Now, last year, the same team of researchers discovered biofluorescence in flying squirrels, yet another triumph for the Northland College Department of Shining a Black Light on Everything. ...There should be a house music DJ named Platypus. Do we have that or no? --Peter Sagal Wait Wait Don't Tell Me 11/77/20

I saw now, for the first time, and I was surprised that I had not seen it before, that no National party in this country, whether ecclesiastical or political, is, so long as the system of American slavery endures, to be trusted on the question of slavery.

How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb? I’ll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. / How many pessimists does it take to change a lightbulb? Never mind. Nobody would get the joke anyway.

Live your life in such a way that the entire planet doesn't dance in the street when you lose your job.

..........yona, yona, yona..........The Company …..The Stampede

^^^ Bowling balls weights range from 6 to 16 lbs. Men tend to have 12-16 lb bowling balls and women average 10-14 lbs.

Preantepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: A Catholic, a woman of color, a teacher, and a Jew walk into the White House with a rescue dog... Submitted by gr of oh

Worthless Fact of the Week: DNA is the blueprint of a human being, and its strands contain the code that determines everything about who you are. All humans share 99.9% of their DNA. You had better hope you get a 0.1% that you like, because everything about who you are as an individual depends on it. http://www.genomenewsnetwork.org/resources/whats_a_genome/Chp4_1.shtml

Wicked Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Kids really overestimate how much parents want to guess things.

Weird Word of the Week: Shavetail – A Newly commissioned officer or any inexperienced person (US Military Slang) https://www.lexico.com/explore/weird-and-wonderful-words

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Make potpourri. Collect dried roses, juniper sprigs, tiny pine cones, strips of orange rind, bay leaves, cinnamon sticks, whole cloves, and allspice berries. Mix a few drops of rose, cinnamon, and balsam oils with orris root (available at your local crafts store). Add all ingredients and seal in a Ziploc Storage Bag for a few weeks to mellow, turning the bag occasionally. http://www.wackyuses.com/wacky/ziploc.html

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Remember when there used to be all these articles about how people in Europe live longer than Americans because they drink red wine and eat more olive oil or bullshit like that? Turns out it was universal healthcare the whole time. --Submitted by llr of ks

Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.\ James Brown goes to the pearly gates and meets St. Peter who takes him to a room where Jerry Garcia is playing with Jimi Hendricks and Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin is looking at sheet music. James Brown says, “I was worried maybe I was going to hell, but I guess not.” Jerry Garcia says “You think this is heaven?” Just then Lawrence Welk walks in and says “All right, one more time. ‘The Anniversary Waltz.’ And a one and two… …

Mike Pence should be quite relieved that he doesn't have to be forced to talk to women anymore. --Submitted by bm of mo

...........It's a problem free philosophy..........Timon, Pumbaa, Young Simba, Simba, and Ensemble …..Hakuna Matata

^^^^ The National Bowling Stadium is a 363,000 square foot ten-pin bowling stadium in Reno, NV. It is recognizable for an 80 ft aluminum geodesic dome in its facade built to resemble a large bowling ball.

Penultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Just remember: You never want to be the one who was born on second base but thinks he hit a triple. --Submitted by mgs of ks

Science Fiction Joke of the Week: What's ET short for? So he can fit in the spaceship.

Actual Science Joke of the Week: Remember kids, the only difference between screwing around and science is writing it down. --Adam Savage Mythbusters

Quote of the Week: My mother would say: “Don't sit around and complain about things. Do something.” So I did something. --Kamala Harris

You know the reason that farts smell is so deaf people can enjoy ‘em as well. / There was a man named Scraggs bought two dozen condoms a week. The drugstore clerk said nothing for months and finally she had to speak. What do you do with all those condoms? It’s simple, said Mr. Scraggs. I feed them to my poodle Now she poops in plastic bags.

The ticket eater at Chuck E Cheese would have counted them ballots already.

..........The leaves have fallen.........Nala and Company …..Shadowland

^^^^^ Ryan Mouw is a 39 year old right hander who won the 2019 bowling championship for the second year in a row.

Month of the Week: National Pomegranate Month – Pomegranate is not a fruit; it's a task. / What do you call a hand made of stone. A pomegranate

Recreating Famous Painting With Anything You Can Find of the Week: Mona Lisa by Artist Max

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Procaffeinating (n.) the tendency to not start anything until you've had a cup of coffee. --Submitted by llr of ks

Today's Peace of History,November 13, 1956: The US Supreme Court ruled segregation unconstitutional in public transportation. The case, Browder v. Gayle, was brought by four women, Aurelia Browder, Susie McDonald, Claudette Colvin and Mary Louise Smith, who had refused to surrender their bus seats to whites in Montgomery (months before Rosa Parks had done so), and had been arrested for violating Alabama law which required segregation on public buses.

Did you hear about the hurricane that hit New Jersey? It did $11 million worth of improvements. / The drag queen walks into a Catholic church as the priest is coming down the aisle swinging the incense pot. And he says to the priest, “Oh, honey, I love your dress, but did you know your handbag is on fire?”

The human body was not made to expend this much energy thinking about Pennsylvania. --Stephen Colbert

..........It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer.........Timon, Pumbaa, Simba, Nala, & Company …..Can You Feel The Love Tonight

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle November 13, 2020, gElastic ePistle. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Peace, puns, and bad jokes. Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047

Moonbeam: Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant. --Robert Louis Stevenson

Cost of War: As of 11/12/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,078,294,873,695.

As of 11/5/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,076,304,103,291.

As of 11/12/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $1,001,355,810,581.

As of 11/5/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $1,000,002,870,969.

As of 11/12/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $808,504,541,283.

As of 11/5/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $806,803,699,174.

As of 11/12/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $339,387,408,968.

As of 11/5/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $339,000,856,159.

As of 11/12/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,227,543,345,518.

As of 11/5/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,222,112,294,353.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

We have pursued slavery, hotly and unsparingly, into all its hiding places, whether in the Church or in the State. ~~Today's quotes are from literature written and released by The Liberty Party in 1840.

Famous Last Words: ...into thine hands I commend my spirit. --St. Nicholas, Bishop of Myra (aka Pope Nicholas and Nicholas, the Great) who died on this date in 867 CE

..........When will the dawning break….......Simba & Company …..Endless Night ~~Tonight's songs are from The Lion King musical which opened on Broadway on this date in 1997.

Rumor has it that Alec Baldwin is refusing to leave SNL. --Submitted by sb of ar

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. / The nice thing about Alzheimer’s, men, You enjoy the same jokes again and again and again and again and again……… --Pretty Good Jokes by Garrison Keillor

May Peace give you song

And Joy make you smile

prairie mama

christine

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