Digested ePistle

 Famous First Words: In the name of the most holy... Treaty of Westphalia

Happy Birthday to Reader's Digest. Hope you enjoy these favorite RD jokes. A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.” / A guy walks into a dentist’s office and says, “I think I’m a moth.” The dentist replies, “You shouldn’t be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist…” The guy replies, “I am seeing a psychiatrist.” The dentist says, “Well then what are you doing here?” And the guy says, “Your light was on.”

..........Yes, they'll all come to meet me, arms reaching, smiling sweetly.........Joan Baez …..Green, Green Grass of Home ~~Joan sang this on the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour 3/30/69

On this shrunken globe, men can no longer live as strangers. --Adlai Stevenson

It is a cold Friday morning and I have just had my first COVID-19 vaccine shot. I went to the hospital where they checked my temperature and gave me a blank blue slip of paper to indicate I was allowed in as long as I was on my way to get a shot. Two of us went down on the elevator because 2 is all they allow. It is a big elevator, so 2 people can stand apart. The route through passageways and halls were clearly marked. I waited in a distanced line for about 30 seconds, maybe, certainly not long. All the people getting shots this morning were female. Hum? So were all the workers. The paperwork was just permission to be treated and I had to give my birth date a gazillion times. Since my first name is Mary and my last name is Smith, there are a lot of us in any file anyone looks into. (There are 16 local library cards issued to Mary Smiths.) They checked my paperwork, witnessed my signature and I went to another room to get my shot. Since it was very cold this morning (24°F), everyone had layers to remove before getting down to a bare arm – gloves, scarves, coats, sweaters, long sleeves, etc. I had to wait 15 minutes after the shot to make sure there was no immediate, horrible reaction. No one waiting with me had such a reaction – I'm so glad. Some people had to wait 30 minutes because they tended to be allergic to things. I did not even feel a pinprick, but I was assured that almost everybody has a sore arm for a day or two. So I'm half safe with an appointment to be double shot in 3 weeks.

Hope your weekend floats like a butterfly, Monarch that is, ePistlers

First Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: In the wild falcons live to be about 14 years old. That means that all falcons alive today were born in the 21^st century. You might say that makes them millennial falcons. --Submitted by HPF

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the highway. Looking at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, “Pull over!” “No!” the woman yelled back, “Cardigan!” / Two men were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car’s indicators are working. He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”

..........Natural child, terrible child.........The Doors …..Wild Child ~~The doors sang this on the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour 12/15/68

Trivia Questions: Happy Birthday to Hägar (the Horrible) who turns 28 today.

^ Know who created the Hägar the Horrible comic strip?

^^ Any idea who draws it now?

^^^ What do you know about Hägar's name?

^^^^ What other characters from the strip can you name?

^^^^^ How is Browne's illustration style described?

Big Hello: Moni - Chichewa https://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hello.htm

Second Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: We spent 738 billion dollars on defense in 2020 and the Capitol building was taken in 10 minutes by Duck Dynasty and a guy in a deerskin bikini. --Bill Sandifer --Submitted by rhb of ks

Max Picture of the Week: Max waiting for the super bowl and another Chief's championship t-shirt

Fake Library Statistic of the Week: According to patron stories, 14% of library items are returned before they are even checked out. https://www.facebook.com/FakeLibStats/?fref=ts

Sad after the funeral of a friend, my wife and I ducked into a Chinese restaurant for a pick-me-up. The feel-good session ended when I read the fortune cookie: “You will soon be reunited with a good friend.” / A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.” Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”

..........It's only old Jack and his icy breath he blows.........Donovan …..Little White Flower ~~Donovan sang this on the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour 11/17/68

Moonbeam: Language is a virus from outer space. –William S Burroughs

Meditation of the Week: Create a mental picture of yourself when you were playful, or think about positive memories of yourself as a child. Imagine your playful or childhood self, creating all the details you can in your mind.

Quote of the Week: The Earth is round. Two plus two equal four. Joe Biden and Kamala Harris won the 2020 election for President and Vice President of the United States. The election was not stolen, rigged, or fixed. These are the facts. They are demonstrable and irrefutable. --Opening paragraph of Smartmatic's $2.7 billion lawsuit against Giuliani, Powell, Fox News, Dobbs, Bartiromo, and Pirro.

Next Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: Without actually saying you have kinds, tell me you have kids: I can't sneeze without crossing my legs. / Petrified french fries in the backseat. --Submitted by #RHOZ

Week of the Week: Dump Your Significant Jerk Week (always the week before Valentine's Day) –Break Up Lines: Hey, baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back. / Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me? / I once believed in love at first sight. Now I believe in misery at six months.

Anyone want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale. / A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.” “So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the ramblers. “It’s easy,” replies the ranger. “They’re full of small bells.”

..........Stop, children, what's that sound.........Buffalo Springfield …..For What It's Worth ~~The guys sang this on the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour 2/26/67

^ Hägar the Horrible is the title and main character of an American comic strip created by Dik Browne and syndicated by King Features Syndicate.

Almanac: It is Friday, February 5, 2021. The moon was last quarter yesterday and is in Sagittarius. It is Adlai Stevenson Day, Shower with a Friend Day, Weatherman's (Weatherperson's) Day (how about, Weather Forecaster or Meteorologist), Western Monarch Day (the butterfly, not kings and queens), and National Doodle Day. Because it is the first Friday it is Wear Red Day (Women's Heart Disease), Give Kids a Smile Day, and Work Naked Day. Finland Runeberg the Poet Day (1804) and in Japan it is Martyrs Day (26 martyrs-1597). México celebrates Constitution Day (1857 & 1917) and in San Marino it is Liberation Day. In the ancient Roman calendar it is Nonae Februarius.

Among those born on this day were John Jeffries (1744), Margaretha de Neufville (1775), John Lindley (1799), Belle Starr (Myra Belle Shirley, 1848), Felipe villanueva y Gutiérrez (1862), Henri Hall (1866), André-Gustave Citroën (1878), Adlai Stevenson (1900), John Carradine (1906), Norton Simon (1907), William S. Burroughs (1914), Alan Hodgkin (1914), Zsa Zsa Gabor (Zsa Sari, 1917), Melina Mercouri (1919), Red Buttons (Aaron Chwatt, 1919), Robert Lynn (1924), Andrew Greeley (1928), Hank Aaron (1934), Barbara Hershey (1948), Christopher Guest (1948), Jennifer Jason Leigh (1958), Rose McKagan (Michael, 1964), and Bobby Brown (1969).

On February fifth Roger Williams arrived in Boston (1631), Leopold I signed a peace treaty with France (1679), the Wesley brothers arrived in Savannah, GA (1736), Georgia abolished both entail and primogeniture (1777), Barber of Seville premiered (1816), the Oregon Spectator became the first newspaper on the west coast (1846), South Carolina was the first state to ratify the Articles of Confederation (1778), the carbon glow light bulb was demonstrated (1879), Phoenix, AZ incorporated (1881), Morgan formed US Steel (1901), Mexico adopted its current constitution (1917), Reader's Digest was first published (1922), the National Wildlife Federation formed (1936), Glenn Miller recorded Tuxedo Junction (1940), The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour premiered (1967), Hägar the Horrible debuted (1973), and Kareem Abdul-Jabar became the first NBA player to score 38,000 points (1989).

Night Sky, 2/5: Before and during early dawn Saturday morning the 6th, spot the waning crescent Moon in the south-southeast with Antares some 4° or 5° to its lower right. http://www.skyandtelescope.com/observing/sky-at-a-glance/

Image of the Week: Kansas City and especially Union Station lit up for the Chiefs.

This Week: Saturday, February 6 – Barber Day & National Play Outside Day & Take Your Child to the Library Day

Sunday, February 7 – Ballet Day & Man Day & Popcorn Day & Super Bowl LV

Night Sky, 2/7: The sky's biggest asterism (informal star pattern) — at least the biggest one that's widely recognized — is the Winter Hexagon. It fills the sky toward the east and south these evenings. Start with brilliant Sirius at its bottom. Going clockwise from there, march up through Procyon, Pollux and Castor, then Menkalinan and Capella on high, down to Aldebaran, then to Rigel in Orion's foot, and back to Sirius. Betelgeuse shines inside the Hexagon, well off center. The Hexagon is somewhat distended. But if you draw a line through its middle from Capella down to Sirius, the Hexagon is fairly symmetric with respect to that axis.

Monday, February 8 – Clean Out Your Computer Day & Laugh and Get Rich Day & Opera Day

Tuesday, February 9 – Extraterrestrial Culture Day & Gŵyl Mabsant & National Pizza Day

Wednesday, February 10 – World Pulses Day & National Home Warranty Day

Night Sky, 2/10: After it’s good and dark, look due east, not too high, for twinkly Regulus. Extending upper left from it is the Sickle of Leo, a backward question mark. "Leo announces spring," goes an old saying. Actually, Leo showing up in the evening announces the cold, clammy, messy back half of winter. Come spring, Leo will already be high.

Thursday, February 11 – Be Electrific Day & Get Out Your Guitar Day & White Shirt Day

If I worked in a used record store, I would tell every customer that “all sales are vinyl”. / During the pandemic, my two granddaughters—six and eight years old—were being home-schooled by their mom. One day, the eight-year-old had a spelling bee with her sister. “Spell ‘elephant,'” the older one said. “Let her spell small animals, not big ones,” said her mom. The older sister paused, then said, “Spell ‘mosquito.'”

..........now here's a surprise.........The Who …..I Can See For Miles ~~The Who sang this on the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour 9/17/67

^^ Since Browne's retirement in 1988, his son Chris Browne has continued the strip.

Preantepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: No person who can read is ever successful at cleaning out an attic. --Ann Landers

Moonbeam: The face of “evil” is always the face of total need. –William S Burroughs

Late Night Snacks of the Week: The only reflecting Wall Street does in doing a line off a mirror. --Trevor Noah / You can tell we’re officially living in Joe Biden’s America, because just one month ago we were fighting for the soul of our nation. Now, we’re fighting for the soul of GameStop. --Samatha Bee / It’s like the hedge fund bros getting mad at people on Reddit. They’re not upset that people are making up some artificially inflated value to game the market, they’re just offended that people who aren’t in their country club are allowed to play now. --Stephen Colbert / McConnell said Greene's views were a cancer on the Republican Party. Well at least they can agree that whatever the cancer is, no one should be able to afford the treatment --Seth Meyers

Ollie's Very Own Picture of the Week: Ollie –member in good standing of the Beet Generation

Not So Late Night Snacks of the Week: Gamestop Explained: So you buy a dress for a hundred dollars. And I say to you, Jessi, can I borrow that dress? I'll give it back to you in one month. And you say, sure, it'll look good on you. So you give me the dress, and I run down to the store and immediately return it and get the hundred dollars. And then what I'm hoping is that a month from now, when I need to give you the dress back, I'll go down. It'll have been put on the clearance rack. I'll buy it for $17 - say, here, Jessi. Here's your dress back - and keep the difference. Peter Sagal Wait Wait Don't Tell me 1/30/21

A hungry man is not a free man. --Adlai Stevenson

A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are gross!” I said, “People who sell veggies are grocer.” / “Have children while your parents are young enough to take care of them.” – Rita Rudner

..........Well, I'm not going to point any moral.........Pete Seeger …..Waist Deep In The Big Muddy ~~Pete sang this on the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour 9/10/67

^^^ "Hägar the Terrible" was the nickname given to the late Dik Browne by his sons; Browne adapted the name to Hägar the Horrible for the purposes of alliteration. After his death, Dik Browne's sons changed the title of the strip to Dik Browne's Hägar the Horrible in tribute. The name is pronounced Hay-gar according to Chris Browne.

Antepenultimate Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: A new study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits...and people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims. --Submitted by INRITH

Weird Word of the Week: Cataglottism – French kissing, i.e. kissing using the tongue. World Wide Words: Cataglottism

Wacky Uses for Common Products: Remove makeup. A dab of Alberto VO5 Conditioning Hairdressing on a tissue or cotton ball gently removes makeup. Alberto VO5®: Wacky Uses

Puzzle of the Week: This challenge comes from listener Gerry Reynolds of Chicago. Name a national landmark (6,3). Add the name of a chemical element. Rearrange all the letters to name two states. What are they? Answer below NPR Puzzle Sunday 1/24/21 Answer below

A Hollywood producer calls his friend, another Hollywood producer, on the phone. “Hey, how are you doing?” he asks. “Well!” responds the friend. “I just sold a screenplay for $200,000. I also wrote a novel and got a $50,000 advance from the publisher. I have a new TV series airing next week, and everyone says it’s going to be a hit. I’m doing great! How are you?” “OK,” says the first producer. “I’ll call you back when you’re alone.” / “The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” –Demetri Martin

...........And my cool comes all undone.........Electric Prunes …..Here I Go ~~The Prunes sang this on the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour 4/16/67

^^^^ *Hägar's wife Helga *Lucky Eddie, Hägar's BBF *Hamlet, his son *Honi, his daughter *Lute, an inept bard *Hernia, Hamlet's girlfriend *Snert, the dog and *Kvack the German duck *Dr Zook, physician

Penultimate Funniest Things I Read of the Week: Coke was going to issue a special Tom Brady product for the super bowl, but it always tasted flat. / Tom Brady is so old when he orders a 3-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. / When Tom Brady was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.

Science Fiction Joke of the Week: How many ears does Spock have? 3: A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear. / Wolf changed his hair color to blond because it was a good day to dye.

Actual Science Joke of the Week: Chemists like nitrates so much because they're cheaper than day rates. / The most important rule in chemistry class is don't lick the spoon.

Answer to Puzzle of the Week: Hoover Dam + tin --> Vermont + Idaho

“Under quarantine, marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law. It took half a century, but hippies finally won.”– Ruth Buzzi,/ A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.” “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie. “I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

..........He loves his damned old rodeo.........Judy Collins …..Someday Soon ~~Judy sang this on the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour 12/31/67

^^^^^ Hägar the Horrible uses a clear, sparse editorial-style line drawing, with minimal foreground or background detail, shading or embellishment. Observers argue this is likely derived from Dik Browne's experience as a courtroom illustrator and illustrator of maps of important WWII battles prior to 1942, plus his experience as an illustrator (Staff Sergeant) attached to a US Army Engineer unit where he drew technical diagrams, maps and other documents requiring very clear depictions

Month of the Week: February is Fabulous Florida Strawberry Month. How does an elephant hide in a strawberry patch. He paints his toenails red. / What do you call it when a strawberry robs a bank? Strobbery.

Recreating Famous Painting With Anything You Can Find of the Week:

Final Funniest Thing I Read of the Week: The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral housewives, and now I have a new goal. --Submitted by cmr of ks

Today's Peace of History, February 5, 1830: America’s first daily labor newspaper began publication in New York City. George Henry Evans, a 29-year-old journeyman printer, was the publisher of "New York Daily Sentinel."

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?” “Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.” / A car hit an elderly man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”

..........One pill makes you larger.........Jefferson Airplane …..White Rabbit ~~The Airplane sang this on the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour11/10/68

Masthead of the Week: Friday ePistle, February 5, 2021, Digested ePistle. Online at: http://fridayepistle.blogspot.com/ Exclusive editor: Christine Smith. 2511 Morningside Dr. Lawrence, KS 66047

Something Good About 2020 of the Week: Deaths by terrorism fell for the fifth consecutive year.

Moonbeam: Man is an artifact designed for space travel. He is not designed to remain in his present biologic state any more than a tadpole is designed to remain a tadpole. –William S Burroughs

Cost of War:

As of 2/4/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,102,049,608,855.

As of 1/28/20 Military Costs of War since 2001: $3,099,998,995,739.

As of 2/4/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $1,017,499,893,855.

As of 1/28/20 Homeland Security Costs since 2001: $1,016,106,178,942.

As of 2/4/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $828,799,367,531.

As of 1/28/20 Interest on War Debt since 2001: $827,047,871,759.

As of 2/4/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $343,999,829,493.

As of 1/28/20 Veterans Care since 2001: $343,601,802,702.

As of 2/4/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,292,349,215,961.

As of 1/28/20 Total Cost of Wars since 2001: $5,286,755,692,057.

https://www.nationalpriorities.org/cost-of/

Patriotism is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime. --Adlai Stevenson

..........It gets sweeter, baby, as it grows.........Ike & Tina Turner …..River Deep, Mountain High ~~The duo sang this on the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour 4/6/69

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach, and now I’m the proud owner of aisle seven. / My favorite part of watching Jeopardy! is saying “I should be on Jeopardy!” every time I answer a $200 clue that happens to be about one of my three interests. – Laura Peek,

Famous Last Words: Amore e fede eterna si vegga in voi regnar. --The Barber of Seville (May love and faith eternal reign in both your hearts.

May Peace walk with you

And Joy hold your hand

prairie mama

christine

Last Laugh: